sandtiger86 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 This isn't about any particular break-up, but just a thought - I wonder how many people lose the one they love from no contact? I can't imagine that "no contact" works well for everyone, and a lot of break-ups have circumstances...everyone around here seems so quick to throw the NC card down on the table when giving someone advice. What if that other person thinks "wow, they must not even care..." and in return give NC. It could be a vicious game until there's absolutely nothing left but two hurt people.
JolliX Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 (edited) NC has helped me a lot so far. Access to contact would have meant I would know what she was doing, if she's progressing better than I am, give me access to mess things up (shame myself, look stupid, piss her off more, mess with progress she is working on, etc.) during my emotional waves when logic just isn't there (and don't say that it's easy to keep from saying someting stupid during those waves, because it is not). She broke up with me, and I reacted stupidly, looking desparate and shaming myself, and that did nothing. Since NC, I've been doing much better. I don't know what she's up to, but since I'm the on that was dumped, I can only assume she is better than I am (actually I know she is b/c someone found it proper to let me know how great a time she is having... something that I hoped to avoid from NC). But over all, just not having her to talk to, no attempt to contact, and no way to demean myself by accepting pathetic friendship status b/c I wasn't good enough for her is by far and large better for me than staying in contact with her. When she decided to dump me by text, and not talk about it, and then follow up by insulting me through more text telling me I wasn't good enough for her (when according to her I had done things for her no one else ever had or would), she's the one that ended it, so all I had left was to accept it. There was nothing to go back to (even though at the time I really wanted there to be something left, and kind of still do), so I needed to accept that. NC is to let the person that was hurt heal. It's not really a way to get someone back. Now I know the person that was hurt many times truly did love the one that hurt them, but if being treated like that is the only love you want, why bother at all with it? NC is spectacular for moving on, fixing yourself and any flaws you have found, and making yourself feel whole again. This all is just my opinion though. All in all, the way I see it is if both people equally loved each other, then the break up would not have happened, and they would have found a way to make it work. Breaking up happens for reasons, and much more often than not, those reasons are always going to be there, so moving on is what is left. Edited November 15, 2009 by JolliX
lilbelle Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 well, when their last words to you were... leave me the **** alone, no contact is obviously what he wants. this is respect for his wishes and helps me heal. it's tougher than contact I can tell you that. i would rather him spit on me daily than knowing I will never speak with him again. screwed up I know.
Sukichan Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I don't think that at this point, that anyone should care about what their ex thinks. They are the one who broke your heart, tore it into a million piece and left you to pick up the pieces while they walk away. NC helps you heal and move on, be stronger and find someone who won't do what your ex did to you. If your ex truly does regret their decision, they'll stop at nothing to let you know they've made a mistake.
Lamak Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Although NC seems like it's a horrible option for reconciliation, it's the best and only option. If you stay around your ex they'll want you less and less. If you go NC in the hopes that your ex will come back, you won't move on at all. If you go NC attempting to move on, most likely your ex will want another change by then. The thing is, by that point you most likely will be a better person who won't want them anymore.
teanoranges Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) Yea, I think NC is used for those who want to heal and move on and not for those looking to get the ex back thinking they'll miss them. When I had hopes doing NC, I was a reck. Now that I know its over, NC is really a great thing... the less contact with him, the less I even want to talk to him. I start focusing on my own life and dreaming up my own future, where I am in control and I don't have to worry about a cowardly guy who can't give me any affection. How can NC make you lose someone you already lost? If they want you back, they'll find a way to contact you. If they can't find the way (say you're NC'ing really good) then it probably means you've figured out the truth and are moving on. I think the fear of letting go is what makes people not want to try NC. I've done NC with friends that were really bothering me (albeit only a month- 3 months) but in that time we got a chance to cool off and see the truth in the situations. I'll tell you all the ones I 'lost' were ones I wasn't really friends with anyways.. the ones I kept, we picked up like nothing had ever happened. Edited November 16, 2009 by teanoranges
LovelyDaze Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 It's actually the opposite of what you've just said. Granted you are the one your ex dumped. If someone has dumped you, don't you think they should do the work into seeking your acceptance of contact? If they not only dump you THEN never call you again...then that person just told you all you need to know about their state of mind as far as you are concerned. Why would you want to try to convince someone that you are worthy to be in THEIR life after they basically stated that you aren't by leaving you? Think highly of yourself. Know that you are worth a phone call, a text, an e-mail, a visit, whatever kind of contact that will clearly tell you that even AFTER that ex left you ....you stayed on their mind. Begging, asking, manipulating and coniving never works in the end. Even if that person never comes back to you, it just leaves the door open to someone you will love and who will love you tremendously.
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