How has the affair scarred you?

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

I've just ended my affair with MM for something like the 5th time (affair lasted eight months, almost to the day).

 

What was different this time than past ones, though, is that the last time we hung out I felt, more so than I ever have, disrespect for myself. I let our dinner be pushed back hours since he had to be home with his kids and we were confined to his car afterward since I feel ashamed to bring him to my apartment when my roommate is home and of course his place is never an option.

 

Putting aside all the obvious reasons why engaging with a MM is stupid, I felt so degraded. So much disrespect for myself. I deserve better.

 

So I'm really trying to end it. I am afraid, though, about the emotional scars this affair has left on me. I find myself going on dates with men and not particularly caring one way or another about them. An old flame I very casually dated more than a year ago got back in touch with me and I just let it digress into a late-night hookup. I'm better that. But I've been so secondary to MM for the last eight months, it's almost like I've forgotten what it feels like to be number one in a man's life.

 

Sorry for the rambling...here's my question for everyone: whether you're two days of NC or two years... how have you changed as a person? Do you feel a loss of integrity that you haven't been able to get back? Has it caused you to be so completely jaded when it comes to healthy relationships, successful marriages or trust?

 

How do you recommend reconciling these feelings? Is it something you think you can ever recover from? Or is "recover" not the right word?

 

I appreciate anyone's thoughts or input...

[wheelwright]

Did you love your MM? Or was he filling a gap/role you needed? You might feel degraded if you were not being true to yourself, that's when I've had that feeling.

 

However, in your shoes, I'd say these feelings are healthy. They mean you won't repeat readily.

 

And they will fade as you live with things that are more 'who you are'.

 

I don't feel your (general) actions are degrading to you (general). It's how you feel about them. If they offend your values or whatever.

 

I feel if I align my actions with my values, I am going to be OK. And I hate it when I fail myself in this.

 

And we all do fail sometime. That's human.

[wheelwright]

I just realised you asked for personal experience, not so-called wisdom!

 

For me, I do not feel degraded because I acted according to my values about love, and my xMM did not make a fool of me.

 

However, I have had ONSs which I did feel degraded me, mainly because I didn't want to have them in the first place!

[learnfrommymistakes]

I've just ended my affair with MM for something like the 5th time (affair lasted eight months, almost to the day).

....

 

Putting aside all the obvious reasons why engaging with a MM is stupid, I felt so degraded. So much disrespect for myself. I deserve better.

 

Sorry for the rambling...here's my question for everyone: whether you're two days of NC or two years... how have you changed as a person? Do you feel a loss of integrity that you haven't been able to get back? Has it caused you to be so completely jaded when it comes to healthy relationships, successful marriages or trust?

 

How do you recommend reconciling these feelings? Is it something you think you can ever recover from? Or is "recover" not the right word?

 

I appreciate anyone's thoughts or input...

 

HI, perfectly timely and I think about this all of the time, I mean often! My affair caused deep damage to my emotional health, and has scarred me deeply in many ways. I did not have a ton of self love when it started, but I had even less from the affair. I felt dirty, like I was commiting a sin, like I was immoral, bad, and doing something I never approved of.

 

It led me to seek out a whole better and different life, because I was a bit wild when I met him, and needed to get my sh** together. It was because of this and several other scary things in my life, that I chose to do deep soul searching abt why I would ever let this happen, and what kind of person did this make me. I loathed myself, and also within that time, actually took a huge step with a religion, to turn my life around. NOT to be a saint, but to find the moral compass I needed.

 

Having the affair led me to want and seek out better quality men, who had integrity. What scarred me the most is no matter how great these single men were, I could not come close to the feelings i had for the exMM. I hated myself for this, and beat myself up daily. I even prayed to God, why cant i love a good, wonderful, positive and honest man, the way I want, and why cant i fall out of love with someone I should not be with. It tore me apart.

 

WHat it has done to me also..I trust no one, I trust nothing. I think all men will lie and cheat if given the opportunity. I know this is not true, but I have become a little crazy about trust and it has permanent effects on me and how i date, and how i behave. I have been with more good men than "bad" and i knew they were honest and trustworthy, yet i always had a sick feeling they could cheat, and lie..cause the exmm lied and it messed with me.

 

I have invisible tatoos I guess you could say, that scream BAD BAD BAD...you are a horrible bad person, and it took me a lot of therpay and work to change the way I felt about myself. I now have a moral compass, love for myself, and a better outlook. I will always have deep regret for being with another womans husband, it is not ok, it never will be. I take full responsibility for that, and I dont think i will ever get over the guilt and shame. I am on this forum trying to learn and heal and grow and move forward, and instead of beating myself up, learn how much i never want to do this again..and to gain insight into why others do this.

 

I live my life worried about all the possible lies this man told me, and his wife, and want answers...and want her to know...but would never want to hurt her. They divorced and i am not with him. Its an even bigger mess now....in so many ways.

 

SO to say the least, I am permanently scarred but used this pain to grow and evolve and become the best person i can be for others, family, myself and my relationships. It compelled me to not use a hard life as an excuse for bad behavior, but to say HEY something is wrong, this is wrong and to do something about it.

 

I used to pray for forgiveness often....now i live my life in a different, better way

thanks for this post, I have been meaning to do something like this, but held back..as i know some OW dont feel shame, some do, etc and I did not want to try and start a war, lol...but you put this out here in a good, helpful way, better than i could have, so thank you.

It is often through some big mistakes, that we see the light, and change. I use my bad decisions for ways to grow and change, and become a better person.

lfmm

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Did you love your MM? Or was he filling a gap/role you needed? You might feel degraded if you were not being true to yourself, that's when I've had that feeling.

 

However, in your shoes, I'd say these feelings are healthy. They mean you won't repeat readily.

 

I don't feel your (general) actions are degrading to you (general). It's how you feel about them. If they offend your values or whatever.

 

I appreciate both your wisdom and related experiences...so thank you!

 

Did I love my MM? I didn't let myself. And neither did he. He asked me once if I could ever see myself falling in love with him "in another universe" (our favorite thing to say: "in another universe, we would be together and so blissfully happy.) But, when comparing this to my other recent relationships, it was so much closer to love than they were. And that's sad.

 

He wasn't filling a need at all. I'm a very confident person who never has problems meeting or dating men. I still don't know why I am so drawn to him.

 

And they will fade as you live with things that are more 'who you are'.

 

Yes, I hope and do believe you're right. Obviously, NC is v. v. new. I'm grappling with feelings of missing him to profound guilt and disrespect for myself. Throughout the affair, I wasn't quite myself. And I'm beginning to realize that more every day...

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

WHat it has done to me also..I trust no one, I trust nothing. I think all men will lie and cheat if given the opportunity. I know this is not true, but I have become a little crazy about trust and it has permanent effects on me and how i date, and how i behave. I have been with more good men than "bad" and i knew they were honest and trustworthy, yet i always had a sick feeling they could cheat, and lie..cause the exmm lied and it messed with me.

 

Yes, apart from the personal, internal scars this affair has undoubtedly left on myself...I am so, SO jaded and skeptical of men overall. MM would tell me about his married male friends' affairs as well (he insisted we were different, whatever). This experience, paired with seeing men hurt my friends, it's just so hard.

 

I don't mean this as bashing the male species only. I am highly skeptical of the idea of marriage at all. I was never wedded (pun intended) to the idea to begin with, but now I'm seriously beginning to question why society has put this "burden" (coming from my jaded perspective, anyway) on our culture to be with one person our entire lives...

 

 

SO to say the least, I am permanently scarred but used this pain to grow and evolve and become the best person i can be for others, family, myself and my relationships. It compelled me to not use a hard life as an excuse for bad behavior, but to say HEY something is wrong, this is wrong and to do something about it.

 

thanks for this post, I have been meaning to do something like this, but held back..as i know some OW dont feel shame, some do, etc and I did not want to try and start a war, lol...but you put this out here in a good, helpful way, better than i could have, so thank you.

It is often through some big mistakes, that we see the light, and change. I use my bad decisions for ways to grow and change, and become a better person.

lfmm

 

I am sorry to hear you consider yourself permanently scarred... I fear that is where I will be too. I am just so fresh from the affair I'm dealing with the initial withdrawal (when analogizing this to an addiction) and wondering what the F*** I've been doing the last eight months.

 

I am also going to try to use my misjudgments, guilt and feelings of disrespect for myself and loss of integrity in a way that moves me forward both for my own emotional well-being but also the emotional well-being of future relationships (no matter how fleeting or serious they are).

 

I am glad this thread has helped you. After all, affairs almost always end in some way or another. So a natural question we should be asking is how it changed us. And since affairs are in and of themselves bad, it leads one to think people are scarred...not positively changed. That's why it takes work to make those scars positive. Anyways, I digress...

[phoenixrising]

Good question...

 

I have always had a healthy sense of self-esteem, and still do - but I really question my "gut" feelings, which served me well until this relationship. I question whether the men I date are sincere. Words mean so little to me now - when a man says something nice to me I wonder if this is just part of the hunt/chase designed to lure me in. I feel very sad that someone I felt was my best friend for 4 years was able to turn of a switch inside and abandon me. I hurt when I think of what a fool I was to give my heart so completely to someone who had another woman in his life.

 

I am sadder, but wiser. I have loved (obviously one-sided) in a way few can say they have experienced. But I lost my innocence in the process. There is a scar - a big one. But as with all scars I'll use it as a reminder never, ever, ever to go there again.

[NoIDidn't]

(((ContemplatingTheEnd))) and (((LearnFromMyMistakes)))

[lovekillsslowly]

...here's my question for everyone: whether you're two days of NC or two years... how have you changed as a person?

I realize that there is nothing special about me and what I had to offer him. The self-confidence I use to have about myself has been knocked down to nothing because of his choice to end the A and work on his marriage.

 

I also have no idea who he really is. Is he the man who told me he wanted to "wake up next to me and smell me on his sheets...he wanted to cook with me and clean house with me...he wanted to run away with me." or is he the man who "still has feelings for his wife."

 

Do you feel a loss of integrity that you haven't been able to get back?

No. I wouldn't say I feel a loss of integrity. I feel like I was a d**n stupid fool to think that it would be different for him and I. And even more foolish to think that he would be different from all the other MM out there.

 

Has it caused you to be so completely jaded when it comes to healthy relationships, successful marriages or trust?

Most definitely. I didn't believe in "successful / happy / healthy" marriages before he came along. To me, that kind of happiness and love only happens in books and movies. Not in real life. Being involved with him confirmed that belief in me.

 

As for trust....that's completely gone out the window. I don't trust or believe anything that comes out of a man's mouth. I am very angry, very bitter, very confused and very hurt right now.

 

How do you recommend reconciling these feelings?

As for this moment in time I don't care to reconcil these feelings or make peace with them. To do that is setting myself up for more hurt and heart-ache and placing myself in another vulnerable situation. And I can't handle going through anything like this again anytime soon.

 

Is it something you think you can ever recover from?

No. I feel like he completely misrepresented himself to me...for 10 months he led me into believing he was someone he wasn't....or hell maybe he was that someone....who knows. All I know is that I will never, ever again get involved with a MM. No matter what they tell me me.

 

Or is "recover" not the right word?

I honestly don't know how you ever recover from something like this. Even if you get to the point that you can forgive the MM and move on with your life I still think that when you think back on the whole A you will always have feelings of anger, bitterness, sorrow, disbelief, and confusion.

[NowhereToHide]

I've just ended my affair with MM for something like the 5th time (affair lasted eight months, almost to the day).

 

What was different this time than past ones, though, is that the last time we hung out I felt, more so than I ever have, disrespect for myself. I let our dinner be pushed back hours since he had to be home with his kids and we were confined to his car afterward since I feel ashamed to bring him to my apartment when my roommate is home and of course his place is never an option.

 

Putting aside all the obvious reasons why engaging with a MM is stupid, I felt so degraded. So much disrespect for myself. I deserve better.

 

So I'm really trying to end it. I am afraid, though, about the emotional scars this affair has left on me. I find myself going on dates with men and not particularly caring one way or another about them. An old flame I very casually dated more than a year ago got back in touch with me and I just let it digress into a late-night hookup. I'm better that. But I've been so secondary to MM for the last eight months, it's almost like I've forgotten what it feels like to be number one in a man's life.

 

Sorry for the rambling...here's my question for everyone: whether you're two days of NC or two years... how have you changed as a person? Do you feel a loss of integrity that you haven't been able to get back? Has it caused you to be so completely jaded when it comes to healthy relationships, successful marriages or trust?

 

How do you recommend reconciling these feelings? Is it something you think you can ever recover from? Or is "recover" not the right word?

 

I appreciate anyone's thoughts or input...

 

My affair has scarred me in many ways. I feel like I lost a part of myself, and haven't gotten it back... I probably never will.

 

I no longer trust my judgement. I'm amazed at how I believed everything that he told me. I'm surprised at how I allowed myself to go along with it all. I don't think I'll ever regain my integrity fully... in the back of my mind I will always be a cheater - not something I would have ever thought I would be.

 

And often there are feelings of rejection that you can't quite get over. The feeling that you could never quite measure up to the woman that he loved more than you. Not a great thing for one's self esteem.

 

Affairs suck. Plain and simple.

[MizzBlue72]

Well, I can put this very plainly.

 

1. I am still in the A, and hate it each more everyday.

2. I still feel like a dirty little secret - every minute of every day.

3. Tried NC for a day here and there - failed miserably every time.

4. Do you ever recover? God - I hope so.

5. How did this scar me?? I will never, EVER even think TWICE of doing this again ... EVER. I think A's change ALL of this in one way or another - and I am really hoping that this is for the better.

 

Affairs cheat SO many people - the people involved, the innocent family ... they also cheat the OW. We put our lives on hold and here we sit on a Sunday night, posting this on a forum.... ugh.

 

OW DO deserve to have more. We SHOULD be able to demand that we are the primary love ... and NOT accept the crumbs that we are fed WHEN the MM/MW find the time for us.

[MizFit]

I think I'm one of the exceptions to the rule...I wasn't missing anything when I went into it and I'm not scarred coming out of it.

 

I miss him...I love him...it's only been 3 or 4 days since he's taken the decision to go back and give his all to the M, but I don't hurt any more than I did when I broke up with anyone else. I do because the love is deeper, but the reactions and thoughts and healing processes are all the same.

 

He has some tremendous work ahead of him and I hope it works out best for him.

 

As for me...I'm sad and lonely and miss him dreadfully, but I'll take the time I need to heal and when I'm ready I'll move on. If I said there wasn't a secret piece of me wishing he'd come back I'd be lying, but he knows how it would have to be done if it's ever to resume. The first of that is for him to do everything he can to fix the mess he created.

[let'shaveitright]

Hi contemplatingtheend,

your post really moved me because I got a lot of identification from your last time together with him.

I am on day 6 of nc and getting stronger every day. The last evening we saw each other I also had that feeling of acute disrespect for myself, a real reality check of what was happening to me. He called his wife to explain he would be late. Usually he would have got out of the car or move to another room to do this, in his words 'you don't need to hear this, its not fair on you'. But this night he just did it in front of me and then went on to initiate a conversation about his day using the exact words he had spoken to me minutes earlier!!

Anyway, back to the point, I have learnt and I will grow from this experience. I have learnt that I need to take responsibility for my own self-esteem, I have forgiven myself for wanting to love and be loved, I am grateful for knowing that I can experience intense emotions with another human. I am grateful that I do have a sense of what is right and what is wrong - albeit after a lot of pain. I have learnt that i need to take my time to get to know somebody. I am certain that in time I will look back on this experience and understand its place in my destiny.

I wish you strength, courage and lots of self-love x

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Hi contemplatingtheend,

your post really moved me because I got a lot of identification from your last time together with him.

I am on day 6 of nc and getting stronger every day. The last evening we saw each other I also had that feeling of acute disrespect for myself, a real reality check of what was happening to me. He called his wife to explain he would be late. Usually he would have got out of the car or move to another room to do this, in his words 'you don't need to hear this, its not fair on you'. But this night he just did it in front of me and then went on to initiate a conversation about his day using the exact words he had spoken to me minutes earlier!!

Anyway, back to the point, I have learnt and I will grow from this experience. I have learnt that I need to take responsibility for my own self-esteem, I have forgiven myself for wanting to love and be loved, I am grateful for knowing that I can experience intense emotions with another human. I am grateful that I do have a sense of what is right and what is wrong - albeit after a lot of pain. I have learnt that i need to take my time to get to know somebody. I am certain that in time I will look back on this experience and understand its place in my destiny.

I wish you strength, courage and lots of self-love x

 

Oh gosh, that's horrible. He never spoke with his wife on the phone in front of me like that but I can imagine how that must be an emotional slap in the face for you. The last few times we've talked on the phone I could hear his two sons (young, ages 3 and 6) in the background saying "Daddy, Daddy." That hurts too. What the F*** am I doing being involved with a man whose life I don't know anything about? I was "dating" him for eight months...yet I've never met his children (obviously) or any of his friends.

 

I wish you strength as well. We stopped talking on Friday the 13th (after first meeting on Friday the 13th in March....ironic). If you're on Day 6 and already feeling stronger that's good! How long did the affair last?

[OWoman]

I am glad this thread has helped you. After all, affairs almost always end in some way or another. So a natural question we should be asking is how it changed us. And since affairs are in and of themselves bad, it leads one to think people are scarred...not positively changed.

 

None of my As were "in and of themselves bad", IME. But clearly I'm just one participant and the MMs in each case may have a different view.

 

I wasn't changed through any of my previous As, but this last one has definitely led to some changes. So - how have I been "scarred" by it?

 

Well, for a start, I've lost some cynicism about love. Instead of viewing every attachment as some hormonal rush that can be approximated through chocolate (or other chemicals) in the absence of a warm body to participate, I've come to accept - and experience - that a particular blend of chemicals in my brain allows me to enjoy and form an attachment to a particular human being in a combination I'd call "love".

 

Secondly, it softened my hardline antagonism toward marriage. While I still believe that the system is based on exploitative economic principles, leading to conservative and oppressive social formations, I've compromised in allowing myself to participate in it with a sole view to it enabling myself and my H to be together.

 

Thirdly, it lessened my vitriol towards "the family" as a social institution. Being welcomed into my H's extended family has allowed me to see the supportive, sustaining and generative potential that the structure of a family can still offer in modern societies, and to strive for this potential with the blended family that we formed through the A.

 

Fourthly, it's given me more faith in the capacity of "the person in the street" to judge for themselves based on the evidence in front of them, rather than opting for knee-jerk conservative prejudices. Nowhere - aside from on LS - have I encountered the slightest hint of disapproval; everyone has accepted the way things happened and turned out as being for the best. This despite personal histories of their own "betrayals" or losses. I have been impressed by the capacity of the human spirit to rise above the constraints of damage-to-self in consideration of the life path of another. I draw real inspiration from that.

 

So yes, I'm pretty scarred and damaged as a result...

[let'shaveitright]

Contemplatingtheend - it lasted 6 months (almost to the day) and like you I tried to break it off many times, he even left his wife for two days - perhaps in a desperate attempt to keep us both? But all of those times was like white knuckling it. I hadn't reached my own particular rock bottom yet - being degraded like that and being so obviously taken for granted on our last evening together was as low as I was prepared to go. I also found out that he had taken another woman out for coffee during our first break-up of a week - he didn't hang around long did he?! I read on here somewhere that I was just a tool that made his marriage more bearable, that, combined with the awareness that if he could lie so easily to his wife (don't forget I actually heard him and he was convincing) he could just as easily do it to me just made the fairy tale bubble burst - thank god. You've come this far CTE, keep it in the day x

[lovekillsslowly]

Hi let'shaveitright ~

 

I know this is off the topic but I have to tell you whenever I see your screen name let'shaveitright I read it as let shave it right instead of let's have it right. LOL!!

 

It always makes me smile no matter how down in the dumps I may be so thanks for that!!

 

Amazing how one little apostrophe can bring a smile to my face!!! LOL!!!

[let'shaveitright]

hehe, i just realized that myself this morning - good advice in itself anyhow!

glad it makes you smile

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

None of my As were "in and of themselves bad", IME. But clearly I'm just one participant and the MMs in each case may have a different view.

 

I do acknowledge that for some people, affairs can work out and not be "bad." My affair with MM was "bad" because we developed feelings for each other in this "relationship" that I like to compare to a never-ending dead-end road.

 

Well, for a start, I've lost some cynicism about love. Instead of viewing every attachment as some hormonal rush that can be approximated through chocolate (or other chemicals) in the absence of a warm body to participate, I've come to accept - and experience - that a particular blend of chemicals in my brain allows me to enjoy and form an attachment to a particular human being in a combination I'd call "love".

 

That's so true. You can't pick who you have chemistry with. I realize, though, that you can make sure to not act on that chemistry if, say, someone is married or otherwise unavailable. That's where I erred. Obviously. But you're right -- you can't pinpoint it and is caused by things we can't pinpoint. At least in my experience...

 

Secondly, it softened my hardline antagonism toward marriage. While I still believe that the system is based on exploitative economic principles, leading to conservative and oppressive social formations, I've compromised in allowing myself to participate in it with a sole view to it enabling myself and my H to be together.

 

Thirdly, it lessened my vitriol towards "the family" as a social institution. Being welcomed into my H's extended family has allowed me to see the supportive, sustaining and generative potential that the structure of a family can still offer in modern societies, and to strive for this potential with the blended family that we formed through the A.

 

Fourthly, it's given me more faith in the capacity of "the person in the street" to judge for themselves based on the evidence in front of them, rather than opting for knee-jerk conservative prejudices. Nowhere - aside from on LS - have I encountered the slightest hint of disapproval; everyone has accepted the way things happened and turned out as being for the best. This despite personal histories of their own "betrayals" or losses. I have been impressed by the capacity of the human spirit to rise above the constraints of damage-to-self in consideration of the life path of another. I draw real inspiration from that.

 

Wait...so it sounds like you have grown to be less cynical overall than before the affair? I've become immensely more cynical of everything: marriage, men, trust, love, chemistry, etc., etc.

 

How do you feel that?

 

I've read some of your posts and I know you represent a somewhat minority view on here...one that I wish I could adopt to some extent.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Contemplatingtheend - it lasted 6 months (almost to the day) and like you I tried to break it off many times' date=' he even left his wife for two days - perhaps in a desperate attempt to keep us both? But all of those times was like white knuckling it. I hadn't reached my own particular rock bottom yet - being degraded like that and being so obviously taken for granted on our last evening together was as low as I was prepared to go. I also found out that he had taken another woman out for coffee during our first break-up of a week - he didn't hang around long did he?! I read on here somewhere that I was just a tool that made his marriage more bearable, that, combined with the awareness that if he could lie so easily to his wife (don't forget I actually heard him and he was convincing) he could just as easily do it to me just made the fairy tale bubble burst - thank god. You've come this far CTE, keep it in the day x[/quote']

 

Well that sucks that he got coffee with another woman. Clearly a bad sign, as I'm sure you realized. I'm so glad you've had the affair "bubble burst."

 

I don't think I would say that mine went that far. My ex-MM was, as ironic and twisted as it sounds, SO good to me. Aside from his obvious negative of being married, he was better to me than all the men I've been dating these past eight months. He asked about my life, my family, my job, etc. He genuinely cared about me.

 

So when I sent him the e-mail saying that the day after we last saw each other I woke up feeling more disrespect for myself than I have since we started seeing each other, he called me in literally like 10 minutes and immediately said that he never wants to make me feel that way.

 

He sent me another e-mail 10 minutes after we got off the phone saying: "You deserve the world. And in another universe, I would be glad to give it to you."

 

While I am sure that is something that MM say to OW ALLL the time, it just hit me. I cried. At work, since that's where I read it. We never seriously entertained the thought of him leaving his wife. That was just not realistic for so, so many reasons. But we did talk a few times about this "alternate universe" we both yearned for. Sigh.

 

Day Three of no contact.

 

Sorry for the digression... Thank you for your words of encouragement! I wish you the same strength as well.

[CarbonCopy]

Yes, apart from the personal, internal scars this affair has undoubtedly left on myself...I am so, SO jaded and skeptical of men overall. MM would tell me about his married male friends' affairs as well (he insisted we were different, whatever). This experience, paired with seeing men hurt my friends, it's just so hard.

 

I don't mean this as bashing the male species only. I am highly skeptical of the idea of marriage at all. I was never wedded (pun intended) to the idea to begin with, but now I'm seriously beginning to question why society has put this "burden" (coming from my jaded perspective, anyway) on our culture to be with one person our entire lives...

 

This is exactly how I feel.

 

I didn't have much trust in men before my affair, and now after it I don't know if I'll ever fully trust a man again. This sounds horrible, but I fully expect to be cheated on when I'm in a relationship again -- whether it be because of "karma," because he can't control himself, because I drive him to it, whatever. I'm expecting it.

 

And as for marriage... ha. I'm not saying marriage doesn't have its place in society, but I think too many people get married for the wrong reasons and to the wrong people because society says marriage is something you "should do" -- this is why there are so many divorces, so many affairs, and so much general unhappiness.

 

So yeah, I'm scarred.