Here again!

[Chinook]

It's been 2.5 years since I posted about a relationship break up (hadn't dated all that time, wasn't ready). Two months ago I got into a relationship with a guy who is a friend of a friend. The relationship was fine... or seemed to me.

 

Wednesday last, I had a student come to my office and she needed referring to counselling for some significant traumatic issues she was dealing with. I was the wrong person for her to come to because I had dealt with the same issues when I was younger. Anyhow, I got her through the moment with me and referred her to a professional counsellor. After this, I felt really upset and re-living memories I really didn't want and some of the traumatic things associated with it. By the time I went home, I was shattered and emotionally wrung out.

 

During the evening I had a conversation over IM with my boyfriend. I was feeling lonely and isolated. I ended up asking him where he thought things were and whether he cared about me. His response was 'I don't know'. I know I shouldn't have asked really especially at such a fragile time. But I was looking for him to reach in towards me and offer some comfort and security. He couldn't.

 

Anyhow, I slept on this issue and it niggled and upset me. I realised I could possibly be on a hide to nowhere. I was supposed to see him on Thursday but I cancelled and asked him to give me a couple of days space. My intention was that I would take some time to pull my emotions back... to the same place his obviously were. I wanted to just take some time out for me so that I could deal with the situation without giving him hell over it or blaming him - afterall he was honest with how he felt and I was grateful of that.

 

Anyhow, as soon as I asked for space, he dropped contact. He literally stopped responding to anything. I had a hard time getting him to talk but eventually on Friday he said it was over. I was in shock. Our relationship is normally easy going and ticks along nicely. I had fully expected him to say 'okay hun, you take as much time as you need and we can sort out when you're ready'. But he didn't!

 

So I'm kinda struggling. Of course, like most people here, I've been through this a couple of times before and I'm hurting as usual - but I also know inside deep I'm wishing for him to change his mind. I don't think he will. But I can hope... or at least use that hope until I get through my initial no contact period. I've spent today weeping on and off and going over stuff in my head. I wish it was different but it isn't

[sandtiger86]

It hasn't been that long - did you apologize to him, and let him know how much you really care? He may have dropped contact to try and clear his mind, or maybe he was just respecting your wish for space. One thing I've learned is that you'll never get anywhere if you isolate yourself from someone you care about. I think you should've talked to him about what you were feeling, instead of asking him where he stood with you and further upsetting yourself.

On another note, I'm not sure why everyone here raves about no contact. No contact could work with a particular type of person in a particula situation, but if you choose no contact then you could be jeopardizing anything you had in the first place. I think (and this is coming from someone with relationship problems himself, so take this with a grain of salt) that it's sometimes better to swallow your pride and still let them know how much you care.

[Ronni_W]

Hey Chinook.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Nothing wrong with holding out hope, of course...as long as you're reasonably confident that it is not of the 'false' variety.

 

It sucks bigtime but, OTOH, probably better that you get to see this (less than compassionate) side of him now and not later. Maybe?

 

Sending hugs and good stuff.

[Chinook]

Sandtiger Er yea, I did talk to him about it. I didn't just ask him outright and he said IDK, there was a whole conversation around it. I didn't isolate myself and I did explain that I had felt alone and could he help me with that. I'm a pretty open person. I also explained to him that time out was needed so I could rebalance where I was ... and quite frankly, I didn't want to give him sh*t for that. I preferred that he could be comfortable that I'd be okay. But he seems to have used it as an opportunity to run. Given the circumstances, I really don't see what I had to apologise for really, I was talking to him and wanted him. I have explained that I wasn't having second thoughts and I think the world of him. So he knew exactly where I was. I know he's prone to snap decision-making which is why with a bit of reflection I'm hoping he'll rethink. As for the 'no contact' thing. He has already dropped contact with me - he's not replying to texts or emails - so really I'm not going to continue making a fuss because he's only going to get an impression of a slightly hysterical ex and I don't want that to come across.

 

Ronni: Hi! Thanks lady. I'm not sure it's a lack of compassion. He's quite a bit younger than I am (I'm 39 and he's 25). I know it's a significant age gap and we have both commented on it previously - but he was alot more mature and his viewpoint mirrored mine in a lot of things. I think he's probably in self-protect mode at the moment. I think at that age I saw a 'break' as the precursor to a breakup so I'm sure that's what he's probably been thinking. That said, I've since explained that the time out was for me and my mixed up head and that I cared about him a great deal. I dunno, it just feels like it was an ideal opportunity to run away

[Ronni_W]

He's quite a bit younger than I am (I'm 39 and he's 25).

Sounds delightful and delicious!!! I must admit pangs of envy.

My first instinct was, "Oh, that's different then." But then that other voice went, "Is it really?"

So I'm left asking myself: (In your shoes), Why would I excuse the guy just because of the age difference between us? After all, HIS age does not change my expectations or emotional needs.

 

Bottom line is you felt vulnerable, you needed him, he wasn't there...and then he bailed on you even more.

 

So then, (in your shoes again) it would depend on what I was envisioning as far as the type of relationship I had hoped/planned with him. I do know that there is a LOT that I would be able to overlook and "forgive"...depending on why I got with him in the first place. Know what I mean?

[LovelyDaze]

Hey Chinook,

You are living my life as far as relationships go. I always am completely devastated over a breakup. My last one is unique because the ex says he STILL hopes we get back together despite the fact that he is now engaged to his brand new girlfriend!

I can see it from a third person point of view just knowing he is an epic a-hole. Not just to me but more so for his fiancee' that he constantly tells me and our mutual friends that he is not sure about. I feel sorry for her more than myself.

Ya, it feels good to know he still wants me in some sort of f'd up way but I am taking the smart way out. NC for me. I can't go back to a guy who dumps me for a girl he barely knows, gets engaged to her and still contacts me to spill his guts when they fuss and fight.

 

I just tell him to work things out with her and cut the convo short. I actually support his latest debacle of a relationship. Perhaps he will grow up and be ready to have an honest relationship...it just wont be with me.

[Chinook]

Ah I didn't catch up with this after the initial 'few days break'. Turns out the guy was already seeing someone else... and when I asked for a coupla days break, that was his easy way out. Nice eh.

[Ronni_W]

No. Not nice at all. Sorry it ended up that way.

Here's wishing for something much brighter and better as this New Year rolls along.

BIG hugs.

[You'reasian]

Anyhow, as soon as I asked for space, he dropped contact. He literally stopped responding to anything. I had a hard time getting him to talk but eventually on Friday he said it was over. I was in shock. Our relationship is normally easy going and ticks along nicely. I had fully expected him to say 'okay hun, you take as much time as you need and we can sort out when you're ready'. But he didn't!

 

So I'm kinda struggling. Of course, like most people here, I've been through this a couple of times before and I'm hurting as usual - but I also know inside deep I'm wishing for him to change his mind. I don't think he will. But I can hope... or at least use that hope until I get through my initial no contact period. I've spent today weeping on and off and going over stuff in my head. I wish it was different but it isn't

 

A woman may say a sentence that has 10 different meanings, that she feels free to pick and chose from according to the situation at hand. You expected him to react a certain way when telling him you need space - but you didn't accurately assess his personality you thought he was a feeler, perceiver rather than a thinker,judger tsk tsk

 

That being said, when a woman says "I need space" is often interepreted in all 10 different ways - which boils down to "I think we're almost done"

 

He terminated.

Edited February 6, 2010 by You'reasian

[Chinook]

Ronni - ah that was back in November. I was just doing catch-up. Been asked out and currently dating a guy from high school days - it's going really well at the moment

 

You'reasian - This boiled down to an actual mis-match in expectations which was then used as a vehicle to do a runner. That's okay, everything happens for a reason and if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't be dating the guy I am now.

[Ronni_W]

...currently dating a guy from high school days - it's going really well at the moment

Oh hey...that's too cool! First time that I can recall where my wish came true almost instantly . We are doing good co-creation now, lady!

So let's try another one, why not?

Here's wishing that things continue to roll along brighter and better.

Cheers.

[Chinook]

Aw thanks Ronni!

 

Let ya into a secret, methinks this one will work out. We fit really well and we've already navigated through a couple of crises and managed that pretty well. It's pretty nice

[You'reasian]

Ronni - ah that was back in November. I was just doing catch-up. Been asked out and currently dating a guy from high school days - it's going really well at the moment

 

You'reasian - This boiled down to an actual mis-match in expectations which was then used as a vehicle to do a runner. That's okay, everything happens for a reason and if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't be dating the guy I am now.

 

Maybe this will be the one

[Chinook]

Maybe this will be the one

You know... I think you could be right

[Beeotch]

It's been 2.5 years since I posted about a relationship break up (hadn't dated all that time, wasn't ready). Two months ago I got into a relationship with a guy who is a friend of a friend. The relationship was fine... or seemed to me.

 

Wednesday last, I had a student come to my office and she needed referring to counselling for some significant traumatic issues she was dealing with. I was the wrong person for her to come to because I had dealt with the same issues when I was younger. Anyhow, I got her through the moment with me and referred her to a professional counsellor. After this, I felt really upset and re-living memories I really didn't want and some of the traumatic things associated with it. By the time I went home, I was shattered and emotionally wrung out.

 

During the evening I had a conversation over IM with my boyfriend. I was feeling lonely and isolated. I ended up asking him where he thought things were and whether he cared about me. His response was 'I don't know'. I know I shouldn't have asked really especially at such a fragile time. But I was looking for him to reach in towards me and offer some comfort and security. He couldn't.

 

Anyhow, I slept on this issue and it niggled and upset me. I realised I could possibly be on a hide to nowhere. I was supposed to see him on Thursday but I cancelled and asked him to give me a couple of days space. My intention was that I would take some time to pull my emotions back... to the same place his obviously were. I wanted to just take some time out for me so that I could deal with the situation without giving him hell over it or blaming him - afterall he was honest with how he felt and I was grateful of that.

 

Anyhow, as soon as I asked for space, he dropped contact. He literally stopped responding to anything. I had a hard time getting him to talk but eventually on Friday he said it was over. I was in shock. Our relationship is normally easy going and ticks along nicely. I had fully expected him to say 'okay hun, you take as much time as you need and we can sort out when you're ready'. But he didn't!

 

So I'm kinda struggling. Of course, like most people here, I've been through this a couple of times before and I'm hurting as usual - but I also know inside deep I'm wishing for him to change his mind. I don't think he will. But I can hope... or at least use that hope until I get through my initial no contact period. I've spent today weeping on and off and going over stuff in my head. I wish it was different but it isn't

 

 

Do you truly love this man?

 

The feeling I get from your post is not this sense that you loved him and it as an awesome relationship...you describe it in a rather "blaah" way like "it was fine" and it just didn't come off as if you truly want this relationship or it was great. Maybe you should assess yourself and figure that out. If you're on a ride to nowhere, you may have already knew deep down...

 

Also Im sorry about your emotional pain w/ regards to your other issues.Maybe you should seek some help processing those things as you advised that young lady. I dont think it is a good idea to "hide", repress or ignore one's emotional trauma and pretend to be normal because eventually it will come out (as you have seen). It is unfortunate that your ex couldnt be there for you, it is overall a hard situation but you want someone who will stick by you and be certain of his feelings towards you. But maybe this gives you a chance to look into those issues and build yourself up....

[Beeotch]

It hasn't been that long - did you apologize to him, and let him know how much you really care? He may have dropped contact to try and clear his mind, or maybe he was just respecting your wish for space. One thing I've learned is that you'll never get anywhere if you isolate yourself from someone you care about. I think you should've talked to him about what you were feeling, instead of asking him where he stood with you and further upsetting yourself.

On another note, I'm not sure why everyone here raves about no contact. No contact could work with a particular type of person in a particula situation, but if you choose no contact then you could be jeopardizing anything you had in the first place. I think (and this is coming from someone with relationship problems himself, so take this with a grain of salt) that it's sometimes better to swallow your pride and still let them know how much you care.

 

Question: HE said he doesnt know how he feels about her. Why should she apologize for needing time to herself to think about this revelation?

 

If someone doesn't know how they feel about you and potentially may be avoiding saying they dont feel as you do....it is a bit desperate and dangerous to just sit around pacifying them hoping they will change their mind.