meconfuzed Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Hey everybody, looking for some advice from my internet freinds, been married 2 years love my wife but we have our fair share of problems. It started years ago when she wanted to move to find a job, I landed a good job and she wanted to go but we stayed in hopes of her finding one. She landed a few temporary positions that got her experience but its such a political atmosphere (school job) around here you have to know people to get the job. I was about to budge and say okay we tried it lets move but now I make a good buck at my job, like where I am at and really don't want to leave my family and friends and I am in excellent position for promotion in the near future. So on top of this she is getting baby fever and wants to try to have a kid in a few months. I'm not ready for kids yet but how do I say no when I feel responsible for her career not taking off. Worse yet I am afraid if we start a family she will not pursue her career which cost us over $50,000 and a lot of hard work! Am I being the jerk? Should I just agree to her family plan even though I am not ready? Will I ever be ready for a kid? Should I move to the first place she finds a job even if it's somewhere I don't want to live? Where will I find a job if we move? Am i going to be miserable? I don't know why I am so afraid of kids. I want to have a house and her to have a career before we start our family but she doesn't want to wait because she is 28 and she's afraid she's going to have problems conceiving when she gets older. I can't change our previous decisions, am i being unfair jerk or she just thinking irrationally because she has no career and wants to replace it with a family? I can't bring myself to agree to move and have kids next year, it's just not what i want to do but I need to comprimise but how do you do that when they are two life altering decisions? Life sucks sometimes.......I hate being an adult
mem11363 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Man to man - YOU NEED to keep a good job and be able to at least be an equal contributor to the marriage finances. This might not be a PC statement but unless you are marrying a woman with a powerhouse career who wants a stay at home dad, you need to work your career persistently and effectively. As for what she has to earn and kids you need to ask yourself some questions? - How good is SHE at managing money? Is she a spender or a saver? - How much money have you two saved? And you have to factor in credit card debt. Meaning if you put 6K in a 401K last year and ran up 10K in credit card debt then you saved -4K. And that means you are living beyond your means even BEFORE the child. - Are you a spender or saver? Before having a kid you need to have a budget that: - Allows you to save AND - You know she will be happy with I married a saver. She wanted to be a SAHM and it worked GREAT because she is so good with money. I would never have married someone who lived beyond their means. It creates to much tension in the house. And then the sex gets infrequent. Next thing you are broke/heading towards bankruptcy and celibate. For a man that will drive you mad and shorten your life. And this is not about how she "feels" or you "feel" about saving. This is about what you actually have done in the last 2 years. Make sense? A marriage that is full of: - Kids - Love - Plenty of money (this is not about how much you earn - this is solely about living below your means) - Plenty of sex Is the most joyous thing in the world. Hey everybody, looking for some advice from my internet freinds, been married 2 years love my wife but we have our fair share of problems. It started years ago when she wanted to move to find a job, I landed a good job and she wanted to go but we stayed in hopes of her finding one. She landed a few temporary positions that got her experience but its such a political atmosphere (school job) around here you have to know people to get the job. I was about to budge and say okay we tried it lets move but now I make a good buck at my job, like where I am at and really don't want to leave my family and friends and I am in excellent position for promotion in the near future. So on top of this she is getting baby fever and wants to try to have a kid in a few months. I'm not ready for kids yet but how do I say no when I feel responsible for her career not taking off. Worse yet I am afraid if we start a family she will not pursue her career which cost us over $50,000 and a lot of hard work! Am I being the jerk? Should I just agree to her family plan even though I am not ready? Will I ever be ready for a kid? Should I move to the first place she finds a job even if it's somewhere I don't want to live? Where will I find a job if we move? Am i going to be miserable? I don't know why I am so afraid of kids. I want to have a house and her to have a career before we start our family but she doesn't want to wait because she is 28 and she's afraid she's going to have problems conceiving when she gets older. I can't change our previous decisions, am i being unfair jerk or she just thinking irrationally because she has no career and wants to replace it with a family? I can't bring myself to agree to move and have kids next year, it's just not what i want to do but I need to comprimise but how do you do that when they are two life altering decisions? Life sucks sometimes.......I hate being an adult
Ronni_W Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 You're so right that being a "good" adult is plain hard work! Hugs. Am I being the jerk? Should I just agree to her family plan even though I am not ready? Will I ever be ready for a kid? Should I move to the first place she finds a job even if it's somewhere I don't want to live? Am i going to be miserable? I suspect that you know that you are the ONLY person who can answer all your questions. You may even find it useful to have a few sessions with a therapist, to help you work through all of it and find out the root(s) of your fears, doubts and uncertainties. Now. If you HAD to guess...pretend your very life depends on you giving a really quick answer to this next question, in context of your post/questions...give the FIRST answer that comes into your head. If you absolutely HAD to guess... ...are you being a jerk? If your answer is 'no', then therapy can still be helpful to guide you through the self-reflection that is necessary to find your answers (and you can stop reading here .) If your answer was 'yes', you are being a jerk -- and again for the next question, just give the FIRST answer. Ready? If you are being a jerk, then what kind of jerk are you being? (E.G., spoiled, selfish, immature, controlling, etc.) And once you've figured that out...then stop acting like that! A therapist will be able to help you work through it. Best of luck. It is difficult; it's okay to be kind to yourself and be lighthearted even as you're trying to figure-out this thing called "life".
soserious1 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 She stayed because you found a decent job that you're happy in, she'll need to stay again in a place where her job prospects are poor because you're comfortable and really don't want to move. Now one of your primary objections to starting a family is that her career isn't good and she has student loan debt? What does she get out of this other than a sense of being a totally hopeless loser stuck in a situation she can't win?
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