Chinook Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Can anyone tell me what the likelihood is of the new relationship working out (between affair partners) when one of them has left their S/O...? Are there significant issues due to the loss of the primary relationship...? Should the new relationship be put on hold...? The reason I'm asking is I am trying to understand a situation that one of my close friends has found herself in. Her H has walked out, saying he still loves her but he also loves his OW too. He's flip flopped once already and my friend is besides herself. She keeps wondering whether he'll stay there or whether he'll eventually get a clue and come back. But then she's worried if he does come back, will he go again..!!
Citizen Erased Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 It would be incredibly difficult to maintain a relationship that started out in this way. How could you not doubt the fidelity of the cheating partner? "Once a cheater, always a cheater", right? It is so easy for people to get caught up with the affair that they don't actually see reality, how things will be after the fact. I'd imagine the husband of your friend is having a difficult time with the OW and is torn between what was once safe and happy for him and what he left his marriage for but is difficult. Things aren't how he imagined them to be. My heart goes out to your friend. She's truly better off without someone that can cause such pain to her.
learnfrommymistakes Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 It is nice if you to come here to help your friend. My opinion, and from what I see on forums and in real life, very rarely do the relationships between a cheating spouse and the person they are having an affair with, work out. On the other end, I have seen some people here rebuild their marriage after an affair, but I think the likelihood is that everyone looses. I could probably never trust a spouse that cheated, and certainly would not ever trust a spouse that left, says he loves the other woman, and the wife. As for "getting a clue and coming back" I would say that your friend is selling herself short waiting for a cheating spouse to come back and see the light. She desrves better, we all do. If her husband knows she will take him back, he probably has little motive to give up the affair person, even if she tells him you must cut off all contact with the OW, rarely do they, or perhaps some do, but if he is willing to leaver her and also say he loves the other woman, i doubt this affair will stop.....she should start taking care of herself and work on what she wants, he sounds like he will cause her a lot more pain, than good. Are there kids involved? best of luck and hugs to her, i feel badly she is hurting.. lfmm
LaGazelle Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 (edited) Chinook, from my experience with friends who were OW, and the ONS my husband had, such a relationship is highly unlikely to be anything remotely close to happy. There may of course be exceptions. If nothing else the OW will be plagued with insecurity for the duration of the relationship, which leads to whole host of problems. That insecurity if unresolved, is also likely to remain with her even after the relationship has ended, and pose problems for her in her future relationships. The H is likely to get his comeuppance too It is so nice of you to be looking out for your friend. One thing I would advise in her situation is to keep her cool and be her best self, and avoid cheap competition with the OW for her H's attention. I know it is the hardest thing in the world to pick oneself up in such a situation, but that is exactly what your friend needs to do. She will naturally want to have contact with her H, but she needs to be careful to send the right message - she needs to be short and sharp, and not appear needy or desperate, which so many women in such a situation understandably do. If her H goes back, as he is statistically likely to do, he should go back to a woman who has dignity and strength, and who can be an equal partner, someone he needs as much as she needs him, and more importantly someone who wants her MORE than she wants him. On the road to recovery there will undoubtedly be times when she will feel a sense of despair and have to rely on him for support and reassurance, but in order to secure the first steps to recovery and establish firm grounds for moving forward, she needs to remain calm and collected (even in her anger) in all contact with her husband. I wish her the best of luck. Edited November 17, 2009 by LaGazelle
Brokenlady Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Post-affair relationships are fraught with waffling and problems. Whether that relationship is successful or not has a lot to do with how the husband handles the situation. Right now, it sounds like he's still trying to have it both ways and sending both women mixed messages. I know that feeling very very well. See here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t209972/
Author Chinook Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 Ah I didn't follow up on this one either (just catching up what I've been missing). When the guy walked out, he left and didnt come back. My friend was devastated for a little while but she's improved a lot over the last few weeks. She has got two kids so that has kept her head straight. She's doing well with NC I think - either that or she just stopped talking about contacting him. I don't think he's going to go back - or at least I hope not.
HappyAtLast Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 (edited) I have been married to my affair partner for nearly 40 years. I realize that this is not "the norm" but it can and does happen. For that reason, I am not a proponent of someone advising another that their spouse will "come back." In my particular situation, this marriage has been more than I ever could have hoped for. I have never and would never even have considered hurting my wife by having an affair. Again, I am aware that this is generally the exception, but it does happen so I am always hesitant for folks to tell the betrayed spouse that their husband or wife will come back, or that they will regret leaving. It just does not always work exactly that way. Edited February 8, 2010 by HappyAtLast typographical error
Recommended Posts