HeavenOrHell Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I'm so scared he's going to ask me to leave him alone now as I've sent a couple of upset/angry texts lately, or maybe he's seeing someone else, even though he said last week it will be a long time before he even knows if he wants to be with anyone else. I've gone cold inside and panicky. I don't know what to text back. I feel I want to get in there first and say it's ok I won't contact you again, before he says it to me. feels like he's dumping me all over again. I'm so frightened. He's been so keen to stay friends. But of course I wasn't going to send upset texts now and again, I've only sent about 4 upset ones since he left.
Sukichan Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I'm so scared he's going to ask me to leave him alone now as I've sent a couple of upset/angry texts lately, or maybe he's seeing someone else, even though he said last week it will be a long time before he even knows if he wants to be with anyone else. I've gone cold inside and panicky. I don't know what to text back. I feel I want to get in there first and say it's ok I won't contact you again, before he says it to me. feels like he's dumping me all over again. I'm so frightened. He's been so keen to stay friends. But of course I wasn't going to send upset texts now and again, I've only sent about 4 upset ones since he left. Go NC, hun, you need to heal. Don't let a couple of texts ruin all your hard work. Don't stay friends until you know you have no more feelings for him. It's not going to be easy for you if you still have feelings for him, knowing he doesn't anymore, and having constant contact with him if you were to stay friends. Stop texting him!
alphamale Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 you should decline the offer of a "chat" and stop contacting him
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 I know you're right, expecially if he wants to meet to tell me we need NC, it was him who wanted to stay in touch in the first place, but maybe now I've said a few home truths he won't be so keen
Sukichan Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 My ex wanted us to stay friends as well, at first, I agreed, but with NC going on, I've decided that it'll be too hard until all my feelings for him disappear, so NC is truly wonderful. Don't let him play you like a fiddle. You deserve to be loved and cherished. Go NC to heal, don't respond, don't even look at his text. If he desperately need to reach you, he'll find a way.
mickleb Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I think this is why we advocate NC so strongly here. Difficult as it is, it FORCES us to become self-reliant. You are still completely dependent on him for your contentment and stability. That's a lot of trust to place in someone who has broken your heart. In the 'best' of circumstances he could say he's made the biggest mistake of his life and needs you back. You should NOT make any decision about this in such a fragile state. You will not be thinking wisely, just completely emotionally and, possibly, desperately. This is with the 'best possible' scenario in mind. Anything less is likely to crush you further. You are NOT in a good place to do this. You are NOT a slave to his every whim or whiff of interest. I have to suggest that you take a few months of respecting yourself enough to get your HEAD around what has happened to you. This will allow your heart to BEGIN to calm down and your sense to process the situation fully. If he desperately wants you, after 18 years of commitment, he'll respect you, too. If he doesn't desperately want you, why would you want to hear one word that he has to say? (They'll only create MORE questions and more PAIN.) Sorry to be blunt. I just want you to be in a better, stronger place. x
teanoranges Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 (edited) Wow, I can understand where your fear comes from. Remember you have had such strength in this whole thing (or so it appears to me!) I think NC is a big thing and maybe you should stick to that if you have fears or sadness.. If you must talk, try your hardest to keep it civil. I know whatever happens, you'll pull through! Please keep us updated and good luck with it! Stay strong. on another note, mickleb's advice is really good!! Even in the best possible scenario, you should take some months to let it all settle Edited November 15, 2009 by teanoranges
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Thanks everyone, I wanted to talk to him just now as I knew I wouldn't sleep otherwise and I NEED to sleep tonight, he said he was really hurt by the text I sent, the one saying at least he has friends to turn to for hugs and support etc, he said he was hurt because it was like I was saying he doesn't deserve to be happy because he left me. I said I was sorry, I don't actually want to hurt him, and that I'm not sure if we should still meet up, he said he wants to but that my happiness is more important. I said I find it hard that I'm no more important to him than his other friends now, he said well you are my oldest friend. But I don't feel special anymore, well I'm not am I. He said he doesn't want any more texts like the one I sent yesterday, and that I must have other people I can turn to when I feel like that. Actually sometimes I DON'T have anyone else to turn to and I did want him to know how I was feeling. That made me feel incredibly lonely. Fact is he does have that group of friends who were mine, I said I don't have a group of friends to turn to like that. And how would he feel if it were the other way around, if he were in my shoes. Well I guess I've ruined any future hope of reconciliation, not that there was any anyway, now he just thinks I'm hurtful.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 I feel P***** off actually, I have a right to be hurt and angry, I don't blame him for leaving as such, I wouldn't expect him to if he's not in love with me anymore, but it's annoying if he says surely I have other people I can talk to about it, well often I don't and why shouldn't I tell him I am upset with him, did he think I was going to say no it's fine I don't mind you dumping me after 18 years, hope you find someone you love more soon! I feel at my loneliest and lowest again, back into the nightmare with no end. I love and need him and I feel so pathetic. I need to be special to him again.
Sukichan Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 But I don't feel special anymore, well I'm not am I. . You are special, don't tell yourself you're not. Just because your ex couldn't see it, doesn't mean you are not special. You are unique, beautiful inside and out. No one can tell you otherwise. You have to believe it yourself as well. I know that at times like this, you're feeling pretty ****ty and not special, but at the end of the day, you have to realize that just cause he doesn't see it, doesn't mean anyone around you doesn't. I'm sure you have people who love and care for you.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Thank you, it hurts because he thought I was special for 18 years, now I feel I cant even text him when I'm in tears like anymore, like he doesn't want to know cos it makes him feel guilty. I cant stop crying now and I want to text him and I can't. I feel really desperate, if I cant turn to him I don't have anyone this time of night. I feel so weak and pathetic. And he was always the one I would turn to when upset and now it feels nowhere to turn. You are special, don't tell yourself you're not. Just because your ex couldn't see it, doesn't mean you are not special. You are unique, beautiful inside and out. No one can tell you otherwise. You have to believe it yourself as well. I know that at times like this, you're feeling pretty ****ty and not special, but at the end of the day, you have to realize that just cause he doesn't see it, doesn't mean anyone around you doesn't. I'm sure you have people who love and care for you.
Sukichan Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Thank you, it hurts because he thought I was special for 18 years, now I feel I cant even text him when I'm in tears like anymore, like he doesn't want to know cos it makes him feel guilty. I cant stop crying now and I want to text him and I can't. I feel really desperate, if I cant turn to him I don't have anyone this time of night. I feel so weak and pathetic. And he was always the one I would turn to when upset and now it feels nowhere to turn. Now's your time to be your own person. You can't rely on him anymore, he's no longer there. I find that writing my feelings down in a journal really helps me. It's tough at night, I can give you that. But you know what? You'll slowly realize that he is not your whole world, and shouldn't be, actually. If you cannot be happy on your own, how can you be happy with someone else? It's normal to feel weak and pathetic or whatever. If you need to cry, let it all out. Everyone grieves differently, so if crying helps you, do it, let it all out. My ex is the one I turn to for everything, but he decided to walk out, so who am I going to rely on? Me, myself, and I. I should have realized this earlier. I know it's very difficult and you just want to curl up in a ball and wake up and all this will be a nightmare, but you know what? Things happen in our lives for a reason. One day, you'll look back at this, and realize what I mean. I'm sorry if I'm giving bad advice, I'm only 19...
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 Thank you hun, it's good advice I'm still crying but going to have to try and sleep.
Sukichan Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 My thoughts are with you, I hope you sleep well. Take a hot shower and drink some hot tea, it soothes the tension on your body and it calms you down a bit. You can always talk to me when you need to =)
Ronni_W Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 One day, you'll look back at this, and realize what I mean. I'm sorry if I'm giving bad advice, I'm only 19... Sukichan, HoH is absolutely right -- your advice is incredibly mature, wise, insightful and heartfelt . Is there perchance a counseling or other 'helping profession' career in your future? HoH, I hope that the hot shower and tea helped you get some restful sleep, and that you are feeling calmer and more confident. Your buds at LS do think you're special, and we do care. Sending comfort and LOTS of hugs.
LostInLA Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Thank you, it hurts because he thought I was special for 18 years, now I feel I cant even text him when I'm in tears like anymore, like he doesn't want to know cos it makes him feel guilty. I cant stop crying now and I want to text him and I can't. I feel really desperate, if I cant turn to him I don't have anyone this time of night. I feel so weak and pathetic. And he was always the one I would turn to when upset and now it feels nowhere to turn. I have been exactly here!!! And I did the same things!!! I said mean things to my ex in person, on the phone and via text. You are angry and hurt and have every right to be!! However, you are going to feel like CRAP if you keep on sending him messages. I know it's SOOO hard but keep on resisting! You can do it! For now, when you are upset, get a pen and paper and write! No typing! Just write! It does not matter what you write, it doesn't even have to make sense or be complete and perfect sentences, but it WILL help get your anger and upset emotions out. Another thing you can do when you get upset is to pretend that your ex is sitting in an empty chair, look at the chair and really picture him there and then say what you would say if he really was there. Get upset, yell, cry and berate the imaginary him! This is a therapeutic method that I have learned recently (but have yet done as completely as I would like to). Take some deep breaths. Hug yourself. Take a hot shower. Get a favorite stuffed animal to hug. Make yourself some warm soup or tea. Really treat yourself with kindness right now. And remember, you are not alone! You can post here when you need, and if it is possible, maybe try to find a therapist in your area to talk to. Mine has helped me out SO much!
nobleguy Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 If he desperately wants you, after 18 years of commitment, he'll respect you, too. If he doesn't desperately want you, why would you want to hear one word that he has to say? (They'll only create MORE questions and more PAIN.) I would follow that to the letter personally. Do you really want to hear something that might twist your mind up all over again? Like you really need that at the moment.
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