utwonderwoman Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Simple and to the point, been married 3.5 years (very happy or so I thought) and my dh will not have sex with me. When I ask him about it, he has lots of excuses. This cannot be normal right? Maybe we have had sex once in the last three months. Alarm bells are ringing in my head that he must be having an affair. He doesn't seem to be that interested in spending time together. When we are together, he just wants to watch tv and have a couple of drinks. When I try to talk to him, he seems annoyed that he has to pause the tv and take time out to listen to me. Although, where in the world would he find the time. He comes home every night after work, is with us primarily on the weekends, etc. An affair just seems like the most logical answer at this point. Men in their mid 30's just don't lose interest in sex right? I keep thinking of the old adage "if they aren't getting it at home, they are getting it somewhere". I am getting worried for my marriage and frustrated (I have needs too). He won't talk, just gets annoyed and shuts down. What can I do?
flsurfkarma Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I would think that something is a foot. Have you checked the cell phone bill or his computer to see if he is talking to anyone?
mem11363 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 in a sexless marriage go to the http://www.experienceproject.com there is a section on sexless marriages Simple and to the point, been married 3.5 years (very happy or so I thought) and my dh will not have sex with me. When I ask him about it, he has lots of excuses. This cannot be normal right? Maybe we have had sex once in the last three months. Alarm bells are ringing in my head that he must be having an affair. He doesn't seem to be that interested in spending time together. When we are together, he just wants to watch tv and have a couple of drinks. When I try to talk to him, he seems annoyed that he has to pause the tv and take time out to listen to me. Although, where in the world would he find the time. He comes home every night after work, is with us primarily on the weekends, etc. An affair just seems like the most logical answer at this point. Men in their mid 30's just don't lose interest in sex right? I keep thinking of the old adage "if they aren't getting it at home, they are getting it somewhere". I am getting worried for my marriage and frustrated (I have needs too). He won't talk, just gets annoyed and shuts down. What can I do?
Sparty97 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 whoa...back up...before you go all PI and invade the guys privacy and read his emails, etc. how about you ask him if he's having an affair first?
JaneInVegas Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 When my ex was about 35 years old, he already had erectile dysfunction. Yep, it was doctor diagnosed, and it was mostly to blame because of his stress level at work (high pressured corporate position) but he also had some underlying health conditions that weren't known about until I had FORCED him to go to the doctor because I had been losing my sanity. We had gone for 8 MONTHS with no sex, and I was miserable. Could it be an affair? ... of course it could be. But it could be a lot of different things. If you don't have any other reason to suspect an affair, I would make it a low priority concern. Oh ... and Sparty ... while I admire your honest approach in wanting to "ask him first" whether he's having an affair or not, do you really think the answer would have any merits? I mean really, HOW MANY men would say, "Why YES honey I'm having an affair, I've just been DYING for you to ask because I couldn't just tell you on my own, and whoo boy I'm so glad that's off my shoulders!" puh-leeeeze
Sparty97 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 When my ex was about 35 years old, he already had erectile dysfunction. Yep, it was doctor diagnosed, and it was mostly to blame because of his stress level at work (high pressured corporate position) but he also had some underlying health conditions that weren't known about until I had FORCED him to go to the doctor because I had been losing my sanity. We had gone for 8 MONTHS with no sex, and I was miserable. Could it be an affair? ... of course it could be. But it could be a lot of different things. If you don't have any other reason to suspect an affair, I would make it a low priority concern. Oh ... and Sparty ... while I admire your honest approach in wanting to "ask him first" whether he's having an affair or not, do you really think the answer would have any merits? I mean really, HOW MANY men would say, "Why YES honey I'm having an affair, I've just been DYING for you to ask because I couldn't just tell you on my own, and whoo boy I'm so glad that's off my shoulders!" puh-leeeeze So the answer is to go straight to monitoring his emails and cell phone? What if he isn't having an affair? Is it ok for him to be royally pissed for the invasion of privacy and lack of trust? If it was me and my wife was rooting through my emails I'd start talking to a divorce lawyer.
JaneInVegas Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Did you read the 1st half of my post? I said it very likely could be something other than cheating. My point is that asking someone if they're cheating or not is completely pointless. So how do you find out the truth? Well, that's for each person to decide on their own, abiding by their own conscience. If all it takes is for someone to look through your emails for you to go crying to a divorce lawyer, you might want to work on those overkill privacy issues you have. My guy has all of my passwords, and he regularly uses my cell. I could care less, I have nothing to hide. Just doesn't seem worth the effort it would take to even bother picking up a phone to call a lawyer, much less follow through. Then again ... that's just me ...
hiscamilla Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Hi, utwonderwoman. First of all, I'd just like to say I understand how saddening your situation must be for you. My marriage was similar - he couldn't get enough of us together until we married and then lost interest almost entirely.When I tried to talk with him about our situation, he said it was my problem, I was over-sexed, there was more to a marriage blah blah and he was older than me so had less of a drive in that direction.After the first few months, he refused to discuss our problem anymore or see a colleague for a health check- he was a doctor. Eventually , after 8 years of this misery and puzzlement, he left for a woman he'd been having a long-term emotional affair with. About 3 months after that, he collapsed and it was found he had prostate cancer which had spread to his bones- symptoms of this illlness had been present for most of our marriage , hence my concern, which he chose to ignore. So was it the illness that caused the problems ? Yes- physically, certainly a large part of the situation we found ourselves in. But having emotional affairs (yes others came to light after the split) and being so in denial re the possiblity of a health problem sure didn't help. Please do everything you can to find out the root cause of whats going on with your husband - that action could save your husbands life/ your sanity/ your marriage. You both deserve to have love and consideration of each others needs within your marriage respected and attended to.Sounds like a man in denial of some personal troubles to me. Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best. You are right to be frightened and worried. "If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, well, ....it's most probably a duck ! "
cheergirl Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 oK, this situation is quite painful as it was to me... After we got together he just stopped fancying me...I couldn't understand it and it caused a great deal of humiliation, anguish, resentment, exasperation on my part... It feels awful to not be found attractive by one's partner. He was supportive, affectionate and perfect in every other way...Our relationship became more like a sister brother thing; yet to everyone else it appeared normal...We made it appear normal. When I asked him why he'd just say sadly "I don't know..." I had an affair to feel better about myself...Ended up hurting that person because I was (still deeply) in love with my man... In retrospect, I think maybe all the chaos of my teenaged daughter going wild in the house was a big turnoff for him... Mum is one person/ sweetheart is quite another, perhaps he saw too much of the bitchy mum and it killed his passion...This is what I thought... He died a month ago 48 yrs old..it was cancer...I try to console myself and reason maybe that had something to do with it...I'll never know...He was a proud totally top-dog Ultra-Alpha male type and I don't know how he could have dealt w/any sort of dysfunction... He kept himself busy right up to the end, business, busines, business... Did he go off me because there was something wrong w/him physically or because there were aspects of my personality he couldn't deal with.... These are the questions I would have liked to ask him:(.... Sorry to go on about myself... Your chap sounds disinterested and dismissive...You need to talk together honestly. It's cruel to be treated this way....It will destroy you in the end....
mem11363 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Reasonable cause is a good concept. If sex stops totally AND your partner does not offer a medical explanation then you have reasonable cause. I would so NOT be pissed at my wife if she checked my comm status. I have never cheated - nothing to hide. Why get divorced because she had a moment of fear/anxiety. Of course I would never ever deny her sex - unless I had severe untreatable ED So the answer is to go straight to monitoring his emails and cell phone? What if he isn't having an affair? Is it ok for him to be royally pissed for the invasion of privacy and lack of trust? If it was me and my wife was rooting through my emails I'd start talking to a divorce lawyer.
frustrated_one Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 In my case it is because I have gained weight. I have talked to my hubby directly and this is the reason. He did not want to tell me because he did not want to hurt my feelings. Not sure if this applies to in your situation, but thought I'd throw it out there. Simple and to the point, been married 3.5 years (very happy or so I thought) and my dh will not have sex with me. When I ask him about it, he has lots of excuses. This cannot be normal right? Maybe we have had sex once in the last three months. Alarm bells are ringing in my head that he must be having an affair. He doesn't seem to be that interested in spending time together. When we are together, he just wants to watch tv and have a couple of drinks. When I try to talk to him, he seems annoyed that he has to pause the tv and take time out to listen to me. Although, where in the world would he find the time. He comes home every night after work, is with us primarily on the weekends, etc. An affair just seems like the most logical answer at this point. Men in their mid 30's just don't lose interest in sex right? I keep thinking of the old adage "if they aren't getting it at home, they are getting it somewhere". I am getting worried for my marriage and frustrated (I have needs too). He won't talk, just gets annoyed and shuts down. What can I do?
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