thatguy90 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I dated a girl for a year and a quarter, we were really close, had made plans for the future, where we would live and different stuff. How we would handle going to different school's and everything. But then she broke up with me. its been about 3 weeks since she broke up with me. For these past few days, I have not talked to her, and she has tried once to contact me, i asked how she was, but i quickly left after that. She did ask me if I am trying to avoid her, i told her no I am not, I am just very busy, which actually is the truth, I have been keeping myself as busy as possible, my days are long and I actually sleep now. But I do feel bad since she did want to be friends, and she has told me that she does still care for me. I still do care for her. but I just don't want to come across as an ass for saying one thing and then turning on my word. This is the one thing that caused our relationship to falter, since i would say one thing, which would hide my true emotion from her, then latter say 2-4 days latter, she would find out about this(Please note I was going through many emotions since I was having back to back to back to back bad weeks...i had a lot of issues with the family). And I think a few weeks before we broke up, I came across that I wanted out of the relationship, because i became so frustrated that her best friend (which is also her ex-boyfriend) had been spending equal or more time with her than me, and was getting priority over me(well that's how it felt). It was my fault that i let him back into her life, she asked and I said sure, I don't care be friends with who ever, but it was my fault. Then I started saying, that she shouldn't be hanging around him so much, then she thought that i was saying that she couldn't have any friends, or that's what her ex-boyfriend was saying to her(I'm not sure I talked to him and he started ranting about that i was not letting her have friends). Which was not true, I was happy that she was making friends, I didn't care who her friends were, just that she kept it at a friend level and that they didn't go out of there way to buy stuff for her (which her ex did). I want her to know that, I am sorry for everything that I caused to her, to make her want out of the relationship and to feel smothered by my actions. I honestly didn't mind her going clubbing (because she was going with a few of her friends, but usually she would go clubbing with me). I am willing to work on the relationship, but only if she is willing to, I know you guys say that I should move on, and that the relationship was doomed, but it was my fault that the guy came back into her life, and that I didn't tell her my true feelings and kept my story straight. She lost trust in my words and felt that I wanted out of the relationship. I said a lot of stuff I did not mean to say to her, and that I would do anything to get those words out of her head and for her to remember why she was in love with me. I want her back, because she was fun, she had similar goals in life and that i honestly felt special when i was with her. She was everything that I have ever wanted in a girl, and more (this is not me being desperate to get her back, this is how i have felt for about a year or so). I don't know what I can do, I don't know what I should do ... I just ... I don't know ... I will not talk to her for the month... i have agreed to that ... but that is how far i have gone ... and from there i am not sure where to go... what to say ... what to do.
justforfun Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 You openly admit that you made a mess of this. You may have learned some lessons. But you can't really have made so many changes so quickly. Or developed the tools and resources to deal with your own issues should situations like this arise again. Have you thought about having a third party involved, a therapist, to help you work through this and develop the strategies to deal with those behaviors that you don't like and develop the necessary tools to deal with them in future?
Author thatguy90 Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Actually i have found a book which has been helping, but the relationship is over between me and her. I have found myself again, but the only problem is that, i want to show her that i am me again, but the problem is ... is that we just broke up ... and that i don't want to become friends again, just to have it help her deal with the break up. She asked for us to remain friends before we broke up, because as she put it " You are an amazing guy, and if this doesn't work out now, i want to be friends with you." I have contradicting emotions right now.
justforfun Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Actually i have found a book which has been helping, but the relationship is over between me and her. I have found myself again, but the only problem is that, i want to show her that i am me again, but the problem is ... is that we just broke up ... and that i don't want to become friends again, just to have it help her deal with the break up. She asked for us to remain friends before we broke up, because as she put it " You are an amazing guy, and if this doesn't work out now, i want to be friends with you." I have contradicting emotions right now. Now she is being amazingly selfish. She can't string you along like that. Cut her lose completely and focus on you and your healing. Eventually you will have moved far enough away from this relationship to see how selfish she is being. Your needs are what is important not hers. And well done for getting the book. You haven't completely found yourself again if you feel the need to share this with her. It shows that you are still linked to the relationship and not complete without some sort of connection, albeit brief. You've still got a long way to go but do it by yourself and work on your urge to make a statement to her. Because that does hint at you still somehow being attached.
Author thatguy90 Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Ok ... well right now, I am more myself, yes still emotionally attached to her, I know how selfish she is being. I have offered her to read the book, there is a chapter for exactly what she has done. anyways ... i just still want to clear my head ... i vent alot right now ... because i am totally frustrated with her ... since she did leave me ... i realized my mistakes ... i just wonder if ... in time ... I let this go ... don't talk to her ... get over her ... and if i want to be her friends ... where would it go?
justforfun Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 The friends part? I wouldn't recommend it, but that's just my opinion. What would you be trying to achieve? I mean you can't really be friends long distance. So, you would only thing you would achieve would be maintaining a connection somehow. Just my opinion, as i said.
Author thatguy90 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Well right now, I found out she likes another guy, and I am not going to be friends with her, because before we broke up i realize now that she kept breaking promises and right now I feel like she has stabbed me in the back. I don't know, she asked me to be friends with her, but honestly i just don't know why she wants to be friends. My logic is that if i cant be your boy friend(which is basically a best friend, just more emotionally attached) then how can i be your friend (which is just below a best friend, and not emotionally attached). Like right now, i will just give it time, and honestly if she wanted to be friends, she wouldn't mind waiting a month or two so that i can get emotionally unattached to her. But even now I am still leaning towards not being friends because i feel like at a friend level she has stabbed me in the back enough times that she has to realize what she has done, and apologize and fix things because I am not going to fix anything, because i haven't done anything wrong.
justforfun Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I think it's time to completely cut all ties with her and move on. It will take time but make that your end goal.
Author thatguy90 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Well basically that is what i have come to, I have cut all ties to her right now.
justforfun Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Good for you. Now accept the process of getting through this difficult phase. But you are making the only right decision in this situation. And don't forget you always have this board to bleed all over (LOL)
Author thatguy90 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Thanks, I need to vent on one last thing, she likes another guy, when i found out i was very well, upset and quickly went offline from msn when i found out. She sent me an email trying to explain everything, like she said that she likes this guy but he doesn't like her back. she said she doesn't care and they wont change anything because of that. But then she goes on and says that she has done alot to hurt me, and that she wants to make it better, and that she wants me to accept her apology. She broke a promise to me, and hurt me alot. Right now i haven't responded for a specific reason that I don't know what to say to her, because i say that i accept, deep down inside of me says that I am still hurt and that i cant right now till i get better. Is that the right thing to do?
justforfun Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Vent away! This is the right place to do it! Firstly, why are you talking to her on MSN? Didn't do you much good did it? Surf the net...download the StumbleUpon toolbar, go for a walk, eat a monster size chocolate bar. Whatever but don't contact her. Don't think about not contacting her ever. Just every time you feel the urge then do something else. Fight each urge as it comes. And why is she even telling you? She knows she has hurt you and now she is twisting the knife. That's really unhealthy and doesn't say much good about her. It appears that she has issues that you, unfortunately, were caught up in. Accept her apology graciously and move on. It will get easier and you will get over her. The difficult part is now. But don't be afraid to mess up. You will. That's human nature. But make sure you are asking yourself why. Btw, I didn't comment on something that you said before that was quite brilliant.... My logic is that if i cant be your boy friend(which is basically a best friend, just more emotionally attached) then how can i be your friend (which is just below a best friend, and not emotionally attached). Just wanted to pint out what an excellent point you made there. Thanks, I need to vent on one last thing, she likes another guy, when i found out i was very well, upset and quickly went offline from msn when i found out. She sent me an email trying to explain everything, like she said that she likes this guy but he doesn't like her back. she said she doesn't care and they wont change anything because of that. But then she goes on and says that she has done alot to hurt me, and that she wants to make it better, and that she wants me to accept her apology. She broke a promise to me, and hurt me alot. Right now i haven't responded for a specific reason that I don't know what to say to her, because i say that i accept, deep down inside of me says that I am still hurt and that i cant right now till i get better. Is that the right thing to do?
Author thatguy90 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 But I have to say one thing, I did tell her that i wanted to be friends. But now I want to tell her that I don't want to be friends, since I have been completely and constantly hurt by her. I want to say " (Insert name), I have tried moving on with you as a friend, but right now I can't see us being friends. I think we have to go our separate ways in life, and if in time our paths cross again, I will be your friend. But only in time." Like I think I should at least tell her that, since i did agree, or should i just remain with the no contact?
justforfun Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 But I have to say one thing, I did tell her that i wanted to be friends. But now I want to tell her that I don't want to be friends, since I have been completely and constantly hurt by her. I want to say " (Insert name), I have tried moving on with you as a friend, but right now I can't see us being friends. I think we have to go our separate ways in life, and if in time our paths cross again, I will be your friend. But only in time." Like I think I should at least tell her that, since i did agree, or should i just remain with the no contact? That sounds like a really good thing to say. I'm not thinking of her, I'm thinking of you. That gives you a kind of closure, a good reason to cut off contact. In my opinion you should go ahead. How about emailing it to her?
Author thatguy90 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Well not right now, as odd as it sounds. I will give my self time and space, and not communicate with her. Because if she responds in a few days, it at least it shows she is thinking about it. Like right now, I wont respond because its very much a match of ping pong, the emails are going back and forward, basically accepting appologies and stuff, and I am tired of it at the moment, because I am not sure if she means it or not. She did break a big promise to me, like it was one of the main reasons why she broke up with me, it was that she wanted not to have a boy friend, and liking a guy basically broke that promise, because it means that she is thinking about it, and that she wants one just not while she is really busy. This has hurt me to the core and basically, I don't know if she is really sorry, or just trying to keep the friendship afloat. what do you think?
Author thatguy90 Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 But my only question, is she trying to make me Jealous? she likes attention from guys, and i don't know. I thought about it for a second, but I know I wont be running back to her right away, because if she was trying to make me Jealous she is doing it way to soon. Anyways, I have come together with what I will tell her "Dear (insert name), these past few weeks apart has taught me a lot. I have tired moving on as a friend but it has not worked out, I keep getting hurt by your actions. With all the special moments which we have had together, just to be friends right now hurts to much. We can't be friends, but sometime in the future we might be able to." I also want to tell her that just before we broke up that I was willing to work on the issues which caused me to be insecure with her hanging around a friend, and other problems, but just as i was going to say that she broke up with me. Should i even bother telling her that?
Author thatguy90 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 Well just an update, so we talked in person about her email and everything caught up and different stuff. We talked about her liking the other guy and what will happen between the both of them, basically that apart of her wants to date him, but the other part doesn't want to date him since she doesn't want a relationship. Also then we talked about our relationship and what went wrong between us, and well she talked about the future and everything, and how she wants to be with me in the future and that I am perfect for her when she wants to settle down. I realized that we made our relationship very serious, and that might have scared her away from it, because we were really serious about it, and that she probably felt that she was just going to lose her chance to experience life a bit. I now know why she decided to leave, and that right now I can't really do/say anything to change her mind about us. The only thing I can do now, is be me, do what I want to do without thinking about her. And enjoy life, and be happy with what I have, and maybe ... its a maybe ... she will come back to me.
justforfun Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Wow! I obviously didn't give her enough credit. Quite the manipulative little B!tc# isn't she.
Author thatguy90 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 Why do you say that? Please explain.
Author thatguy90 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 As odd as this will sound probably ... she is telling me the truth ... she looked me in the eye and said you are so perfect there is nothing wrong with you. I think she just wants some space ... to experience life ... and if fate brings us back together ... then we will be back together ... that is the only way i can look at it. I will go out and experience life, and do different stuff. But here is the thing, she said that I had changed a little while ago, due to different stresses in my life. We both have alot on our plates, and dealing with a ex termly serious relationship is to much for both of us to handle, right now.
Author thatguy90 Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 The only thing i need to add ... is that if she meant it ... she would want to get back together with me ... because ... it would just make sense to be with the perfect guy ... I will just wait a bit ... till next year to either make a move or anything ... and if you say she broke it off and that it is her choice to want to get back together... well she did sorta ... i asked for a break before we broke up ... and well i think the ball lies in both our courts when it comes to getting back into a relationship or not. But the best thing I can do right now, is to give her space, wait a little bit, focus on different stuff, get back to normal, and try to be indifferent about anything that comes up with her. and to respect her and what she decides to do, and for me to decide what I want right now ... from her ... from myself ... and everything in between.
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