was being drunk a good enough excuse

[BettyBets]

I've been with my husband 10 years this February and have two beautiful children, we just got married this summer. A week before our wedding he had a stag and cheated and contracted herpes, he told me two days before the wedding. I couldn't face the humiliation of calling off the wedding as our parents were both so excited and family had come in from different provinces.

He says this was the first time he's ever cheated. I just can't believe that he would choose to cheat a week before our wedding?! I'm so heartbroken, we had such a wonderful, respectful relationship. I was so happy. I always knew a a big wedding wasn't for me but when we started planning I got so excited. He was my best friend and now I feel like I don't even know him.

I feel like such a fool, I wasn't good enough for him to be faithful to. He says he was very drunk. He had started his stag in the morning playing golf and had been drinking continuously since about 12noon that day.

I regret so much now (I don't regret having my children), I've been with him since I was 19 and pretty such settled down with him when I was 24. I never really dated much, I feel like I wasted so much time with him because how can I stay with a cheater? I hate the feeling of being cheated on, like I'm boreing and not good enough.

One of his friends came in for the wedding to be his best man and was with him that night. He made a fool of me in front of this friend and I never want to see him again, plus I feel like he wouldn't have been so shameless with any of this other friends.

I also feel trapped because we built such a life together, we have our two beautiful children, a mortgage and a large amount of debt.

Was being drunk a good enough excuse to even try to work it out? Is it fair for me to never want him to hang out with his friend again? I'm so unhappy I feel like I'll never feel good with him again, I trusted him so much and it felt so good and now that's gone. Would separating help us reconcile?

[mark982]

being drunk don't cut it as far as excuses. but you seem more consirned about the cheating(which is a huge deal) than the herpes. myself i'd get the marriage anulled.

[foreal]

I just can't believe that he would choose to cheat a week before our wedding?!

 

Typical pattern. Aparentally life transitions often bring out the cheater in some people. New baby; death of mom/dad/child; marriage; mid life crisis. Makes no sense, but it is a recognizable pattern for many cheaters.

 

 

I never really dated much, I feel like I wasted so much time with him because how can I stay with a cheater?

 

It will be a difficult road. Some can do it, others can't. At minimum it will be a struggle for you even if he is now doing all the right things.

 

Was being drunk a good enough excuse to even try to work it out?

 

No- being drunk is no excuse and whether you work it out or not (imo) will be based on what happens now and going forward.

 

Is it fair for me to never want him to hang out with his friend again?

 

Yes, very fair. You have every right, the actually NEED at this point to have people around you who are friends to your realtionship with your H. If this friend is poison to that, Adios amigo.

 

Would separating help us reconcile?

 

Maybe- only you can decide....it will be most difficult on your kids though.

 

Betty, I am so sorry you are here. Have you two looked in MC? It would be a good place to start- even if your M doesn't work out, you have kids so it is imperative you two at least can be civil and do what you can to make this easier on them.

((betty))

[New Again]

So he found out within 5 days that he for sure had herpes? That's pretty fast. I don't know all the ins and outs of STD testing, but I'm pretty sure the only way he could possibly have found out that quickly is if he got a blood test within the first 24 (or 48?) hours and managed to get the results immediately.

 

Personally, I would be highly suspicious that he'd been cheating all along, and suddenly felt guilty with the onset of the wedding and decided to come clean.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Maggotface]

I know it is eating at you now, and it might always to an extent. I think the best thing to do is try MC for a while and see if it makes things better. Set boundaries, like no more drinking and absolutely no contact with whoever the woman was.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, BB.

Was being drunk a good enough excuse to even try to work it out?

You know, that is a question that only YOU can answer for you. For some, yes it would be enough to try to make a go of their marriage/relationship. For others, there would be no acceptable excuse.

 

There are many, many, many instances where couples have learned how to overcome infidelity, and have had long, happy, successful relationships. And many, many, many who cannot.

 

You might want to check the infidelity section at marriagebuilders.com (under 'quick clicks' in the right-hand side menu.)

I would suggest that you take your time before you decide what you want your next step to look like. Perhaps consult with an individual therapist, or a pastor/faith leader. As well, before deciding to separate, perhaps it will be useful for the two of you to have some couples' counseling...preferably with someone who specializes in infidelity.

 

I happen to be reading 'Forgive & Forget: Healing The Hurts We Don't Deserve' by Lewis B. Smedes. (He does not actually counsel to "forget".) I'm finding it quite informative, but there are many books covering the same subject matter. This one is available at amazon.com, and pro'ly also the library.

 

 

Yes, I do think it is unfair to blame some of your husband's behaviour on his friend (or anyone else.) I understand the urge to do that but, ultimately, I think it will help your healing and forgiving process to hold your husband 100% accountable for his own actions.

 

To me, though, it's also a good sign that you are looking to somehow find reasons to take some of the blame off him -- to me, it suggests that you are still open to finding a way to work through this and move forward WITH him in your life. Is that right?

 

Hugs. Sending Comfort and Guidance.

[Art_Critic]

Sometimes when trying to figure out the right thing to feel or think I have tried Role Reversal..

It works if the answer is right in front of you.

 

Flip it... if it had been you that cheated on him for the same reasons would it had been okay ?

[Boundary Problem]

So he found out within 5 days that he for sure had herpes? That's pretty fast. I don't know all the ins and outs of STD testing, but I'm pretty sure the only way he could possibly have found out that quickly is if he got a blood test within the first 24 (or 48?) hours and managed to get the results immediately.

 

Personally, I would be highly suspicious that he'd been cheating all along, and suddenly felt guilty with the onset of the wedding and decided to come clean.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

 

 

Agreed. Reality is you are dealing with cheating AND lying AND an STD.

 

They are all related in my opinion.

 

Telling you 5 days before the wedding was a set up and highly manipulative.

 

 

Add manipulative to the list above.

 

Everyone makes mistakes, but this isn't looking good.

 

The lying and manipulation will be the deal-breaker in my opinion.

[Space Ritual]

Well, being he said he cheated and got herpes a week before the wedding does that not mean that he would have to have gotten tested within the 5 days after he cheated and telling you two days before the wedding?

 

Unless of course he had an immediate outbreak which is unlikely.

 

So chances are he contracted it before the stag party. Of course some cases come up within a couple of days but most textbook cases of herpes has the patient showing symptoms after two to three weeks of initial infection.

 

So right there I would suspect he didnt cheat only at the stag party.

 

And no, drinking is never an excuse to cheat. Cheating, regardless of circumstances is a conscious decision.

 

I caught my fiance red handed cheating three weeks before our wedding. In my own house with one of my friends. How anyone could ever bow to pressure over a wedding because they didn't want to disappoint the family is beyond me. And no my wedding never happened thank god.

 

Well you entered into your nuptuals based on a lie. I am sorry but I cant have a ton of sympathy for you. I have some, but not too much.

 

If he was cheating before the marriage, and you married him anyway, chances are that he will cheat again. I mean all the crocodile tears and drunk excuses are indicative of someone who really doesent care about you.

 

Id dump him now Its not going to get any better.

[bentnotbroken]

Does drinking excuse killing someone in a car? Does drinking excuse physical abuse? Does drinking excuse sexual assault? For you does drinking excuse cheating? Not for me. And by the way, he is lying about when he contracted herpes.

[BettyBets]

Does drinking excuse killing someone in a car? Does drinking excuse physical abuse? Does drinking excuse sexual assault? For you does drinking excuse cheating? Not for me. And by the way, he is lying about when he contracted herpes.

 

 

Not that I want to defend him too much, he didn't have confirmed herpes when he told me. He said the condom broke and a few days later he started having a burning sensation when he would urinate, other systoms followed and the tests were confirmed two weeks later.

[Boundary Problem]

Not that I want to defend him too much, he didn't have confirmed herpes when he told me. He said the condom broke and a few days later he started having a burning sensation when he would urinate, other systoms followed and the tests were confirmed two weeks later.

 

 

 

The days don't add up.

 

Let's face it, if you didn't have children together, you would be g-o-n-e.

 

 

The thing with cheaters is that they can bring home things far worse than herpes. You need to assess the situation carefully.

 

At our core, we are all selfish. If he knows he "was forgiven" for cheating once, well, what is his incentive to toe the line? Which exposes you to more risk....

[confusedinkansas]

So he found out within 5 days that he for sure had herpes? That's pretty fast. I don't know all the ins and outs of STD testing, but I'm pretty sure the only way he could possibly have found out that quickly is if he got a blood test within the first 24 (or 48?) hours and managed to get the results immediately.

 

Personally, I would be highly suspicious that he'd been cheating all along, and suddenly felt guilty with the onset of the wedding and decided to come clean.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Took it upon myself to do a little reading - Here are a few stats.

Doesn't take away what the husband did -

• Herpes doesn't take 24 hours to diagnose. Doctors know almost immediately by scraping the infected area. (yeah, i know gross)
  
• Without symptoms, some tests are known to detect infection as early as 5 to 7 days after infection, though it is not conclusive until 28 days.
  
• It is thought that about half of adults in the United States likely have herpes antibodies
  
• Mayo Clinic experts warn that up to 90 percent of people infected with HSV are unaware. Their symptoms are so mild that they go undetected.
  

Betty - this is a horrible that has happened- But I would suggest you read everything you can get your hands on about herpes. It is not a death sentance.

As for what to do about the marriage - It's your call girl. How much do you love this man? Can it be fixed? Can the marriage survive this? Only you can answer these questions.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Without knowing too much about herpes, his excuse sounds plausible with exceptions...

 

"Not that I want to defend him too much, he didn't have confirmed herpes when he told me. He said the condom broke and a few days later he started having a burning sensation when he would urinate, other systoms followed and the tests were confirmed two weeks later."

 

Did you read the test results to confirm that he got tested when he said he did?

 

I don't believe the broken condom. It's possible....but I have never had that happen in 100's of uses.

 

Regarding the drunk thing. It doesn't excuse it, But I think it makes it easier. There was no emotional connection. Futhermore, having sex at a stag is an old ritual. A terrible one. He likely wanted to seem cool for the guys. I don't sanction it at all. I have been to bachelor parties with sex and without sex, it happens quite often.

 

Also, for your sake, it wasn't candlelit dinner with a romantic lovemaking session. It was drunken sloppy sex. He got an STD an gave it to you. He can hardly reflect on it as a fond memory. You know damn well that he must feel like an idiot. If this has been his only case of cheating, this incident may serve as ........"If I cheat, I can put my wife and myself in great danger".

 

What has his attitude been like? Is he very remorseful?

 

Yes, a drunken ONS is FAR better than other scenarios. I have been through this with my WW. She had a ONS many years ago. I forgave her. Her later long term affair was MUCH more devastating.

 

So, the question is.....will you be able to trust him down the road. Is this him or was it a drunken fluke. Is he very remorseful and want to work on your relationship?

[bigguy]

They're both lying..... Tell your man that you want to have sex with his friend and you want your husband to watch!!! Payback is a bitch!! They are both laughing at you, so tell him you want to pleasure his friend, after indulging in a lustfull night and having your man watch this so-called friend enjuy his wife......the friend will be gone and your husband won't stray any longer!!

[Dexter Morgan]

betty

 

being drunk is in no way shape or form an excuse to cheat.

 

in fact, its exactly the opposite. being drunk brings out the true person.

 

if someone cheats when drunk, it just means they would have liked to have cheated while sober...they just didn't have the guts.

 

drinking lowers inhibitions. And when inhibitions are down, those that would have wanted to cheat in the first place will...those that won't, won't.