leap83 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 A bit of a background: Been broken up for 3.5 months; at the end, the break-up was mutual - we both needed to work on the issues from our past. I didn't believe he was actually going to start changing and thought he was leaving me for another. Last phone convo was not good because my insecurities played the worst out of me. Stayed away from the phone for the past 2 months. We e-mailed each other and talked since that point in time. No grudges; no bad feelings; no anger or resentment between us. Caught off guard: I didn't think he would start changing his habits. When I started witnessing these things, at first, I was skeptical. Then everything became a whole new reality. He's been volunteering tons for the causes he believes in (I told him to do this while we were together) and bonding with his friends and family. His thoughts are still all over the place but he's slowly, but surely changing. This whole change process could take him months, but so far, I'm impressed. Me: I've been working on my issues as well. Went back to therapy to deal with my past. Meeting up with the other ex of 4 yrs tomorrow for a cup of coffee (NOT the guy I'm talking about). I've already received my closure in a way - I have forgiven him completely (no anger, resentment, hurt feelings = no more insecurities, trust issues, etc.). I have been heavily involved in volunteering and school. I've read self-help books and changed my thought process quite a bit. I fully understand why this particular relationship ended. Trouble and support: I need people who have been in a similar situation. I have NOT given a second chance to a guy since my ex of 4 yrs (I gave him more than enough chances and then swore I would never do that again). I lack patience - one of the reasons why this relationship didn't work. I don't want him as a friend so I'm being friendly right now and the same applies for him. However, I'm terrified that I will lose patience. How do I learn to be patient? What do I do? Goal: To see him in December. Not to get back together, but to go for a cup of coffee and re-connect. I want to take this very slowly. I'd like to get to know him better and then take it one step at a time. Considering that we have this amazing connection, I'm scared everything will get rushed. So I need guidance on how to be patient and how to act. This is all new to me. Since I'm terrified, I'm worried I will sabotage whatever we have left. Please don't tell me to go NC. I already did. I'm passed that stage. Right now, I need help on how to become a patient person and how to handle this situation since I've never been in it. Remember that he's CP so I have to be careful with the way I word sentences right now. All I want is to re-connect right now and take it from there.
Ronni_W Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 leap, I also used to have much less patience than I do, now. But it's not that you won't ever act impatient again, even after you've practiced and practiced. There is a good article at: livestrong.com , and then search "developing patience" (Have to do it that way cos I keep getting in trouble with the headmaster for posting live links .) The site itself is horrid on the eyes, so I copy and paste the articles into a word.doc For my own "impatience recovery", I asked my partner and others for their help...to let me know when they start to perceive that I'm becoming impatient. I found that useful, but more importantly to become aware of the things that cause me to feel irritated, aggravated and annoyed. For me, it's mostly perfectionism and holding others to a too-high standard / unrealistic expectations and not being more considerate of others' limitations, needs and own goals. And practice, practice, practice. And forgive yourself when you don't quite hit your mark. Best of luck -- you can do it...and you will need to be VERY patient and compassionate with, and forgiving of, your Self
HeavenOrHell Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Hi, not sure if this is useful or not and I can't really help with the patience problem, but my ex left me because my life was so busy I ended up not having time for him/us and he felt neglected, I didn't start to change things, ie to get more of a balance back in my life again to include us properly until it was too late, his feelings for me had changed by then. But I have made changes and kept them and will continue with them, but now I'm not doing it for him/us, I'm doing it for me as I needed more of a balance in my life whether he is in it or not. Also, he can see I've made changes and kept to them. What I am saying is...it IS possible to make changes like this and KEEP to them long term. I wish you all the best
Author leap83 Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 Ronni: Thanks for that. I will read it tonight. Well, I tend to get inpatient in terms of time. I have never been the person who takes things very slowly. I don't rush things but I like "rhythm" lol. If you know what I mean. I'm trying not to have any expectations right now and if I have them, then they are very low and highly achievable. Do I act as though nothing happened between us? I feel like starting from scratch and acting as we are just getting to know each other. Would that be weird? Heaven: I understand that it is possible. But rarely do people want to change. From what I have seen so far, when someone is comfortable or even when they're not, they don't reach outside of the circle of comfort and into the new.
Ronni_W Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 The thing is, having and wanting your preferred "rhythm" is perfectly fine. It only becomes a prob if/when you kind of try to 'influence' or 'help' OTHERS to change their preferred rhythm to match yours. Do I act as though nothing happened between us? I feel like starting from scratch and acting as we are just getting to know each other. Would that be weird? I don't know about "weird"...but I do wonder how possible it would be. I mean, I can't envision what it might look like, in practice...can you? I do agree, though, about wanting there to be a "blank slate" on which you can write a brand new story. But I think maybe that is more of a mental endeavour, where you (and he) just make the decision to not think or talk in terms of all the crappy stuff that happened and how you (and he) USED TO act and react. Kind of. Instead of, "You're doing it AGAIN," you want to train yourselves to just say, "I don't like when you do that; it makes me feel <whatever>."
name witheld Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 yes I think that people can change. Depends on what exactly (ie small changes ok) and for what reasons. I have made some changes in my life after Girl left me a few months ago and I have heard that she has noticed. Hopefully with time her skepticism will fade too. One thing to remember is that both parties are responsible for the failure of the relationship. So you have to be prepared to work on things too.
Author leap83 Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 yes I think that people can change. Depends on what exactly (ie small changes ok) and for what reasons. I have made some changes in my life after Girl left me a few months ago and I have heard that she has noticed. Hopefully with time her skepticism will fade too. One thing to remember is that both parties are responsible for the failure of the relationship. So you have to be prepared to work on things too. I don't know if you read my full post or not, but we're both working on ourselves. We also both started to work on ourselves as soon as the relationship ended.
Author leap83 Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 The thing is, having and wanting your preferred "rhythm" is perfectly fine. It only becomes a prob if/when you kind of try to 'influence' or 'help' OTHERS to change their preferred rhythm to match yours. I don't know about "weird"...but I do wonder how possible it would be. I mean, I can't envision what it might look like, in practice...can you? I do agree, though, about wanting there to be a "blank slate" on which you can write a brand new story. But I think maybe that is more of a mental endeavour, where you (and he) just make the decision to not think or talk in terms of all the crappy stuff that happened and how you (and he) USED TO act and react. Kind of. Instead of, "You're doing it AGAIN," you want to train yourselves to just say, "I don't like when you do that; it makes me feel <whatever>." Ronni, here's the thing. It's not THAT kind of patience. We never fought. Ever. We had one argument and it was at the end because we both hurt and hated the fact we needed to break-up. It's the patience of taking things slowly. I know that it'll take him at least another 6 months to get his issues in order. I'm near the end of resolving my issues. His actions don't annoy me because with me, he was very respectful and caring. How do I establish the line of communication again? Do I phone him up before we even meet up and chat a bit? Or do I just phone him up to see how he's doing and then mention the fact that I'd like to meet up? Which one is better? Would it be weird if I just called him up and right away mention the meeting? I really don't know how to go about this. I'm known to screw up things so that is where my worry is stemming from.
Ronni_W Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 leap, sorry but I'm not really getting it. [cos] To me, there is only one kind of 'patience'. That is, I don't equate arguing / fighting / disagreeing with a lack of patience. That said. It seem to me as if...is there any chance that you are rushing the meeting because YOU are ready; because YOU are "near the end of resolving [your] issues"? Cos I'd tend to want to watch out for that...that definitely would be a sign of impatience on your part. IMO. See where you've set your "Goal: To see him in December"? -- I'd want to make sure that your 'schedule' also takes into account HIS normal/preferred rhythm and HIS readiness. Know what I mean? In terms of when/how to connect with him. Kind of depends on the above. Maybe a meet-up by about March will be more mutually advantageous? In which case, the odd text or email; maybe a weekly 'joke' or inspirational-type message, being interested in what he is up to (EXCLUDING where he is in his own self-awareness process.) To me, that might be a wiser strategy and it will cause you to put the brakes on any "Okay I'm ready now so we'll be getting together in December"-type of vibe that may be going on in your mind, heart and body. I mean, I know it's not exactly like that. But it also comes across that maybe it's more like that than you might be aware of at the moment. Am I making sense? Cos it feels more like my brain knows, but my words aren't being too clear. Feel free to ask for clarification, of course.
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