nobleguy Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I just picked the kids up from my ex and she had her whole family round and the place was alive with talk and activity. They barely acknowledged me. It must be great to have such support. I'm incredibly jealous about it, the fact my brothers, mum and dad are all miles away and that all 'our' friends are her friends now. I've had no visitors at all since breaking up yet she appears to have someone for every day and then some. Plus a boyfriend for her other needs. I'm really really down and teary today...
Ultiman Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I just picked the kids up from my ex and she had her whole family round and the place was alive with talk and activity. They barely acknowledged me. It must be great to have such support. I'm incredibly jealous about it, the fact my brothers, mum and dad are all miles away and that all 'our' friends are her friends now. I've had no visitors at all since breaking up yet she appears to have someone for every day and then some. Plus a boyfriend for her other needs. I'm really really down and teary today... I feel for you man, Ive been going through the same exact thing. Im always thinking my ex is out having the time of her life plus her huge family is always supporting her etc. while im at home doing nothing. And there really isnt much I can tell you to help you feel better because when people would try to comfort me i would just ignore them. But i can tell you this, Find someone a friend a family anyone and just hang out and talk with them. It will do wonders.
Author nobleguy Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 I feel for you man, Ive been going through the same exact thing. Im always thinking my ex is out having the time of her life plus her huge family is always supporting her etc. while im at home doing nothing. And there really isnt much I can tell you to help you feel better because when people would try to comfort me i would just ignore them. But i can tell you this, Find someone a friend a family anyone and just hang out and talk with them. It will do wonders. I had a good guy move into town the very week I split and we started going out a lot. It was a real life saver for me (literally) to have just that one person to lean on and to go out with. The problem is that he is my ex's brother, and he's suddenly stopped talking to me because (I'm assuming) of arguments between me and the ex. I have a few other friends that I socialise with but not that I would feel comfortable going round and opening up to. And she dragged me up here three years ago because she grew up here and missed the place. Hence my family is miles away and I know almost no-one.
Boundary Problem Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) I used to work at a swimming pool for many many years as a lifeguard. And the men in the community would all sit around the hottub and sauna and shoot the breeze about anything. They would sit on the pool deck for hours. Many were retired. Eventhough I was young at the time - I enjoyed their company and they had great stories. Is there a local community pool in your area? How about that? Some sort of community group that you could quietly join in? curling? cross country skiing club? Surprisingly some of that stuff is fun and a great way to stay fit. I'm editing to add this: I don't know your backstory, but I wouldn't put up with rudeness from my ex. And her family should be treating you with respect, you are the father of her children. When you are ready, you will have to deal with that. Usually once the divorce dust settles (ie the money problems are sorted out) then people start being human again. Edited November 16, 2009 by Boundary Problem
Author nobleguy Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 We've both basically been really horrible to each other over emotional elements of the split (strangely the money and child access were agreed without a problem), me especially (angry at being in real love with a woman that left me) and I think it's just gone too far for them to continue seeing me as someone worth knowing. Certainly for now. I kind of deserve it, but her brother initially going on about not getting involved and being completely neutral turned out to be crap (as usual from their family). I joined an Internet social group that goes on on the town fairly frequently and those nights are good. So I'm not completely alone, just feel it sometimes, especially when I see what the ex has in place to get her through it all. Plus the constant contact because of the children and the fact she has a new boyfriend (while still romanticising about us - what a head-***k that is ) aren't helping right now.
Boundary Problem Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 She is not treating you with compassion and respect. When you start seeing her actions for what they are, and what they reveal about her - then some of your love will start to fade and it will get a bit easier. What do her actions say about her values?
Author nobleguy Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 I think she doesn't know what she wants. She's been on and off regularly. Regularly hinted there had been a chance of a reconcilliation before the latest of our many argument had exploded and finished. I think she wanted to be free of me but has found the reality of life on her own harsh. I always did everything in terms of the bills (including paying the ALL for nearly eight years), writing cheques, getting the cars serviced, organising this and that, etc, etc, etc. I think she believes she has me on a string and that if life really takes a turn for the worse I will be there for her to clean the mess up and support her again. She's a stinking user is what she is
Boundary Problem Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I think she doesn't know what she wants. She's been on and off regularly. Regularly hinted there had been a chance of a reconcilliation before the latest of our many argument had exploded and finished. I think she wanted to be free of me but has found the reality of life on her own harsh. I always did everything in terms of the bills (including paying the ALL for nearly eight years), writing cheques, getting the cars serviced, organising this and that, etc, etc, etc. I think she believes she has me on a string and that if life really takes a turn for the worse I will be there for her to clean the mess up and support her again. She's a stinking user is what she is As I said, she isn't treating you with compassion and respect. And that says a lot about maybe how little she respects herself? Because this behaviour is all taking place in front of the children. Her conduct is very deliberate. Very deliberate. Very self-motivated. I don't see a problem with a woman saying "I'm done" and ending a marriage. But to then keep a husband who loves her on a string in a town where he doesn't know anybody (no emotional support) are the actions of someone who is indifferent to you - to be honest. Therein lies the answer - if she is indifferent to your feelings, then it means she doesn't love you. You deserve so much better. You really do. If someone is indifferent to you, then don't you have to assert yourself to insist that she treat you with respect in front of her family and the children. If you earn back her respect by asserting yourself, who knows what might happen.
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