nobleguy Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Erm, a bit of advice required really. The first time I went out on the town after my split I met a girl (she just randomly sat next to me on one of the sofas) and we chatted for a bit - turns out we both liked cars. I got her number without much effort - when I asked for it she just kind of said "Yeah, OK". Don't know why I did it because I was on a different planet emotionally, literally 5 days after breaking from an 8 year relatinship. Anyway, over the last 3 months we've bumped into each other a few times and she has always made an effort to come over and talk, and for me there is a tiny hint of something there. For example, going off to another bar but seeing me arrive as she leaves, then reappears 15 minutes later with her friends because the other bar was 'rubbish'. I saw her on Thursday and she made a point of introducing her friends to me, and made an effort to talk to mine (who were staring open-mouthed at me when the girls arrived, recognised me and came over immediately ). Thing is, I'm 36 and she is 18... I got a bit melancholy last night while out on the town and a bit drunk, and I texted her to see if she was around. She texted back a really nice message about how she hoped she hadn't shown herself up in front of my friends on Thursday (she was a little tipsy) and that she wished she was in town rather than where she atually was. That really lifted me and got me out of my sadness quickly - and she did the same about 6 weeks ago when we bumped into each other and told me within about 5 seconds that she had become single. She has made me happy from miserable in a split second on multiple occassions just by seeing her and being given her attention. I was miserable today about an hour ago and I cried for the first time in a few days, but after a few minutes I remembered her text last night and again it lifted me significantly. Am I just in a bit of a fragile state and looking for the first person that comes along to make me feel better, or do you think my feelings towards her could be genuine? What do people think about such an awkward age gap? I can honestly say I would be interested in her for reasons other than (as well as) sex. And does anyone think the signs she is showing are significant or is it possible I'm reading far too much into nothing? Confused...
Boundary Problem Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 If you were in an emotionally healthy place, she wouldn't catch your interest (other than finding her easy on the eyes). She doesn't need an emotionally unhealthy 36 yr old man in her life. Make the right choice for both of you. She isn't experienced enough. (that is my opinion - the men here might have a different opinion)
Art_Critic Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Thing is, I'm 36 and she is 18... That isn't a thing dude.. She isn't even really legal.. 18.. you do know that she is a teenager ?.... last year she was 17..highschool She doesn't need an emotionally unhealthy 36 yr old man in her life. Make the right choice for both of you. She isn't experienced enough. Agreed... OP I think this thread is evidence that you are not in a good place emotionally.. You need to get over your 8 year relationship , not run over an 18 year old's heart..
Ronni_W Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) You need to get over your 8 year relationship , not run over an 18 year old's heart.. The truth and reality is that an 18-year old will run steam-roll over the heart of an emotionally vulnerable/unstable 36-year old. I'd put money on it. Doesn't matter the genders. Uh, okay. That's what I did when I was 18, and he was 36. The coolest thing was that I could tell my "real friends" that he was exactly twice my age. He was good for a laugh, like that. I didn't do it purposely but...I was 18!!! What did grown-ups WANT from me? He was daft to even think about it, IMHO. Edited November 16, 2009 by Ronni_W
Author nobleguy Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 I think your responses are courageous in that you are telling me not what I want to hear, but what I already know deep down. I think it really shows where my head is at the moment. I've been out with a few women since the split (just to get back in the game and feel at least partly human again) but I felt absolutely nothing for them in any way at all. Not one ounce of feeling. But this girl stirs up some emotion in me for some reason, did the first time I met her and every time since, and I think in my desperate state I'm getting hung up on that. I've not explored anything further with this girl and I don't think I'm going to. I guess if I wait six months and she's still around and making me happy then maybe there is something to think about. I think by then I will have had a reality check. I think I will just do what I've been doing, talk to her when I see her, text every now and then and enjoy the (platonic) good feeling she gives in return. Thanks for the advice. It's what I needed.
Boundary Problem Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 You were going to do the right thing anyway, "nobleguy" talking about "she's too young". Good for you for taking a step back. She will understand completely and also respect you for it. I was a young girl once and I recall who did the right thing. Life is long.
Author nobleguy Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 Hee hee! The Noble bit is related to the car I drive not my morals . Except I suppose in my case the phrase does apply. No sense in going down a route that could end up in another period of wondering, questioning and feeling let down is there? Thanks all for your advice.
sean1970 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 The truth and reality is that an 18-year old will run steam-roll over the heart of an emotionally vulnerable/unstable 36-year old. I can attest to that... I was 37, she was 23... Lasted 2 years but but seems to have hurt me on many levels that have more to do with my age than the relationship I think... I was not ready when I started dating her.
Ronni_W Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 But this girl stirs up some emotion in me for some reason, NG, It is youth, vitality, vibrancy, freshness, limitless potential, endless possibility, hope, new beginnings; it is LIFE, an aliveness, joie de vivre... It is incredibly attractive! How could it not be? Problem is, in 6 months she will still have you for breakfast. It's unfortunate for us old farts (which you are, to her -- to me, you're a spring chicken )...but we'd be wise not to lose sight of it. Best of luck through your healing/recovery.
sean1970 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 NG, It is youth, vitality, vibrancy, freshness, limitless potential, endless possibility, hope, new beginnings; it is LIFE, an aliveness, joie de vivre... It is incredibly attractive! How could it not be? Problem is, in 6 months she will still have you for breakfast. It's unfortunate for us old farts (which you are, to her -- to me, you're a spring chicken )...but we'd be wise not to lose sight of it. Best of luck through your healing/recovery. Where were you 2 years ago? It was all those things and more... I have struggled with wondering if it was a low self-esteem or somehow natural to feel somewhat inadequate when I was with her (not initially but over time this happened).
Author nobleguy Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Part of me wants her to have me for breakfast. And lunch and dinner too. Then I wake up
wendy37 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 aww nobleguy..u have been giving me such brilliant advice and im going through the same thing as you...bless u...u seem like me in some ways...we can both give advice to others yet suck at our own in what we should be doing our selves with our own break ups..bless you xx
Author nobleguy Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 (edited) aww nobleguy..u have been giving me such brilliant advice and im going through the same thing as you...bless u...u seem like me in some ways...we can both give advice to others yet suck at our own in what we should be doing our selves with our own break ups..bless you xx Aww, thanks It means a lot that my advice means something. And yes, I see the obvious action for everyone else but myself LOL! How's it going by the way? There is a guy here at work that has had this long-distance girlfriend for about 3 1/2 years - he's 30 and it's his first relationship, and she has so clearly lost interest (or never cared at all) that I just want to scream at him to do what needs to be done. He even has another girl interested in him and she is going to lose interest sometime soon. Can he see it? Nope... I think we all live for hope don't we? No matter how crazy... Hey! Only just noticed...you're in Herts. Edited November 17, 2009 by nobleguy
melodymatters Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Personally, I think if everyone listened to LS, there would be maybe 3 relationships in the whole world ! Most relationships DON"T end in marriage, and thats ok ! Three of my closest friends are ex BF's, and i'm so glad to have them in my life ! So what is " she eats you for breakfast", "You eat her fro brunch" yada yada. Why not enjoy the time, and whatever happens, happens !?! She doesn't sound like she was raised in a convent and I went out with many guys in their 30's when I was late teens. Last R was a marriage where I was 18 yrs older than the guy. ( he died, we didn't break up) I say, be honest with her, make sure she's being honest as well, take things slowly with a strong friendship componant and just enjoy each other for the allotted time. " people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime" Whichever this turns out to be, it's all good.
Author nobleguy Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Hmmm. Can anyone guess which bit of advice stands out for me? Yup... Why not enjoy the time, and whatever happens, happens !?! I say, be honest with her, make sure she's being honest as well, take things slowly with a strong friendship componant and just enjoy each other for the allotted time. " people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime" Whichever this turns out to be, it's all good. I don't know. Think I'll just keep chugging along, bump into her here and there as I have been and see if anything develops - then see if it feels right at the time.
Ronni_W Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Part of me wants her to have me for breakfast. And lunch and dinner too. Then I wake up No, no, no -- you do not HAVE to wake up until "the morning AFTER" The caution is just to not go serving your heart on a platter to any 18-year old. BE her breakfast, lunch and dinner...and in-between meal snacks, too. Why not? Just know that that is ALL that you are. I mean...don't let her toy with you, either; make sure that you are treated with dignity and respect...and treat her the same way. And remember to use condoms, for Lawd's Sake!!!
wendy37 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 yay im in herts...and your in bucks.. yes i know what you mean by wanting to scream at people that u can see are either being mugged off and taken the p*** out of yet here me and you are having the same done to us..it sucks...my ex has been texting me like nearly all day saying what i am (mentle abuse) nasty ****e! but here i am happily thinking what an arse! the man makes no sence atall..very lala! but i cant see it..i can hear it but not see it...as for this 18 year old..it wont work hun..u need to heal and even though ive been out on dates im just not ready yet dread xmas and new year.... Hey! Only just noticed...you're in Herts.
CaliGuy Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 You're not emotionally in a good place for a relationship. She's not emotionally ready for a serious relationship. I agree with Art. This is a disaster waiting to happen. Under normal circumstances I would say it COULD work out, but that requires two emotionally healthy and mature people to make it happen (regardless of age). That doesn't appear to be the case here.
Ronni_W Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 You're not emotionally in a good place for a relationship. She's not emotionally ready for a serious relationship. Cali, I agree 100%. But is that the only option these days? - a "(serious) relationship" or nothing? It wasn't like that back in my days (about a century ago) -- and I'm kinda really glad it wasn't. Or is it perhaps that now that it's been given a label (FwB), it has just become totally unattractive and unappealing? I mean, way back when, we just called it "dating" -- doesn't that happen anymore?
CaliGuy Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Cali, I agree 100%. But is that the only option these days? - a "(serious) relationship" or nothing? Most women, regardless of age, don't want "flings" so yes, I would say that if one isn't committed then I'd say don't tread down that stream. It wasn't like that back in my days (about a century ago) -- and I'm kinda really glad it wasn't. Or is it perhaps that now that it's been given a label (FwB), it has just become totally unattractive and unappealing? I mean, way back when, we just called it "dating" -- doesn't that happen anymore? If you know me, you know that I am totally against FWBs. Whether it's by label or a silent agreement, I think they are destructive and do not lead to happiness or fulfillment. In fact, I think it leads to feeling more empty than ever. Sex without love is an act and nothing more. Pointless and senseless.
Ody Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) I think Ronni's points are the best. I suggest letting her steamroll you and enjoying the ride. Wear your rubbers and try to keep your wits about you rather than foolishly listening only to your emotions and your little head. Likewise be a gentleman and classy about not leading her on, manipulating, or allowing false expectations to flourish. Eighteen is fine, although I think the absolute lower limit. Plenty of people have relationships nowadays that are neither super serious or completely about the sex. A lot of people just prefer to be private about it, and others are discreet so people don't call them "sluts" (women), "players" (men) or "shallow" (both). But it happens all the time and FwB is just a silly little catch phrase. Edited November 18, 2009 by Ody
Author nobleguy Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 Hmmmm. Two completely contrasting views emerging here. I'm not that surprised really - it is a tough one. I was expecting more negativity, so thanks to you all. I was expecting a bit of a beating on this one I have to admit. I should say I'm a long way away from any kind of sexual relationship with this girl. I'm not even 50% sure yet if she considers me in that way. She just always seems pleased to see me, sorry to leave me, includes me in her circle of friends, wants to be included in my circle and just generally makes me happy to see her. She's a really positive force in a world seemingly full of indifference right now.
Ronni_W Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Sex without love is an act and nothing more. Pointless and senseless. Okay, I'm sorry. But you sounded just like my grandmother for a sec there, Cali. I do get what you're saying; and I do agree that having sex with someone you find totally unattractive and unappealing is pointless and senseless -- and soul-sucking, too. And I'm glad that I didn't give up my virginity in an FwB. And one-night-stands were never my thing, either. (Do they still call it that?) <sigh> I don't know. Maybe I have a broader definition of that thing you're calling "love". Maybe mine is "weird" or distorted. It never left me feeling "empty", though. So...I really don't know. She's a really positive force in a world seemingly full of indifference right now. Then you would be a fool -- a FOOL, I say -- to not enjoy it in ways that are mutually supportive, encouraging and uplifting. How you've explained it, the VERY LEAST is that she is offering you friendship at this time, of whatever type, quality and quantity. I say just keep your wits about you, my good man. And take comfort, strength and happiness where, when and how the Universe sees fit to present it to you. But...that's just this old broad's perspective
Author nobleguy Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 Then you would be a fool -- a FOOL, I say -- to not enjoy it in ways that are mutually supportive, encouraging and uplifting. I agree. Nothing wrong with being made to feel genuinely good is there? Whoever he or she is. How you've explained it, the VERY LEAST is that she is offering you friendship at this time, of whatever type, quality and quantity. I say just keep your wits about you, my good man. And take comfort, strength and happiness where, when and how the Universe sees fit to present it to you. But...that's just this old broad's perspective Yeah that's my perspective. If nothing more intimate develops then I'm certainly not going to go home and cry about it.
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