jaclynxox89 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 So i am getting REALLY close with my coworker over the past 4 months. The thing is, he is married. He is 26, I'm 20. I'm not sure, but I believe his wife just married him for his citizenship. Though one of his friends say they married because they were in love, for awhile, until his wife started playing around with other guys. And he was really honest and commited so it wasnt his thing. So they are both "single" now...... but still legally married. We work in a restaurant, and it just happens that his wife works with us both... only on the weekends. And yes, it is true that she is playing around. Her boyfriend is the busboy!!! Everybody knows it, even her husband. Who is a cook so when they kiss or w/e, they are in the dining room. Here is the problem: We are sorta boyfriend & girlfriend now. I mean, we make out. we went out before and hang out, and yeah.. he told me he loved me last week. We just are not confirmed yet i guess. But its pretty much common sence. I just think that he wants our relationship a secret though. He is a real flirt, we work the weekdays together and all we do is talk and flirt and all that stuff... we work the weekdays without his wife. On the weekends, when we work with his wife, he is like a different person! He doesn't say Hi at the beginning of the shift... No goodnight. We dont talk at all. Just business. I know he isnt interested in talking to anybody on the weekends, so there is no point in saying anything. Sometimes it makes me feel uncomfortable, and hurt. like i said he is like a different person. Sometimes at the end of his shift, after he left, he will text me. On Sundays she leaves early, and 10 minutes after she leaves, or he comes up from his break, he will start talking to me again after Friday and Saturday of silence. It just makes me feel weird. If he knows that his wife is so cheating on him, and he did say he loved me. So what the hell?? They claim to be single! OMG. I would talk to him about it, but we are still like getting to know each other. He never mentions her, or his status. I dont want to be the one to bring it up. But as time goes by, we are getting closer.... on the weekdays =( If anything is on your mind, like if you have answers... like what is this supposed to mean?! or advice, please share I appreciate it. Thanks!!
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 You SHOULD bring it up. Don't be scared to talk about honesty and find out exactly what is going on. Have you actually "seen" his wife kiss someone else, or is it just rumours, people exaggerating? Anyway, this is a very odd situation ..
Author jaclynxox89 Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 haha so its not just me... lol i know its very odd. maybe on one of those days where we are more comfortable around each other, ill bring it up.. i hope i can.. yes, i have seen his wife making out with the busboy. she even talks about going out with all these guys and meeting up with people in front of EVERYBODY. shes just not commited to one person. thanks for your help=] appreciate it
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Well, the only thing I can think of, they are married for her to stay in the country. But if that is the case, they BOTH are being stupid about it..Making out in public, him having you as a girlfriend... It's just a bizarre situation. ASK HIM. I am surprised you haven't yet..I mean, to know that your wife is fooling around with someone at work and not care, not do anything, and that everyone knows - Yet he is being much more secretive with you, like he doesn't want her to know ..
lovekillsslowly Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Take this as some "motherly" loving advice. You are 20 years old. The same age as my daughter. And if my daughter came to me with this type of problem I would tell her the following: You have the rest of your life to find yourself involved in these kind of complicated situations. You also have the rest of your life to be spending it with the wrong person. Move on! You are worth more than being sent mixed signals and having all this confusion running through your veins. Go out with your friends and meet a nice truly, legitimate single guy!
Author jaclynxox89 Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 That is exactly how I feel... I dont get it!! But I will need to bring it up sooner or later, if he doesn't. if we are gonna get anywhere =/ i really want to. and he says he loves me. but sometimes, its like he doesnt show it. like she is more important. and nope, its him that is the one that would have married to stay in the country if anything. she is puerto rican, a US citizen.. so yeah. idk. thanks everyone for your help.
jj33 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Honey you are not gf and bf - he is married. And he is caught up in a terrible drama. Whether she married him for a gc or whehter they married for love doesnt matter. He hasnt had the guts to bring it up to you and you dont feel comfortable enough to bring it up to him - that is a red flag right away. Worse yet, he ignores you all weekend. The whole thing is a disaster. You dont need to be caught up in this drama. Tell him its over hes married and you dont want to be caught up in that situation. Its got nowhere good to go. Yes maybe they married and then realised it was a mistake but they need to stay married for a length of time but he hasnt had the guts to say anything to you. Its not looking good. If you live in a town big enough where there are other jobs available, find a new one and get out of hte circus they have created.
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 But the bottomline is, he IS married. Whatever is going on between them and their set up, they STILL are husband and wife. They live together, have sex too. (I doubt he'll admit that to you.) Anyway, if I were in your shoes, I would totally back off and detach. He isn't in a position to take you as his 'girlfriend' and make a committment to you. He's married!!
Lucky_One Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 He can't love you too much, if he can't say hi to you on a weekend. Of course he texts you after his wife leaves - he wants his ego hit, his smooch, and hopefully soon, he'll get his bj by the walk-in freezer. If you were my daughter, I would counsel you to run far far far away. He is married in some sort of dysfunctional relationship, and you do not need to be caught up in that in any way, shape or form. He's a cheat, he's a liar - and you need no further proof than to look at his marriage-for-citizenship ploy for starter's.
Fallen Angel Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 That is exactly how I feel... I dont get it!! But I will need to bring it up sooner or later, if he doesn't. if we are gonna get anywhere =/ i really want to. and he says he loves me. but sometimes, its like he doesnt show it. like she is more important. and nope, its him that is the one that would have married to stay in the country if anything. she is puerto rican, a US citizen.. so yeah. idk. thanks everyone for your help. So, if he leaves his wife for you, he has to leave the country, and you expect him to do that? If he gets caught by immigration in a marriage of convienence, he gets deported, (and being in the open about you in his life would be enough to prove that his marriage was for citizenship) and you still wish him to be open about you? Perhaps part of the deal is that she is allowed to lead the life she wants to (HER being in EMAs will not get him deported) but HIM engaging in that behaviour puts his staying in the country at risk , so maybe he agreed to NOT engage in EMAs. Her marrying him for him to stay, puts him at risk for deportation and HER at risk for prosecution, so maybe they agreed he would stay OPENLY faithful, despite what she does openly. If you REALLY loved him, you would not want to put his citizenship at risk by engaging in such blatant disregard for the rules by which he is allowed to stay here. Just my opinion. *shrug*
fooled once Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 So i am getting REALLY close with my coworker over the past 4 months. The thing is, he is married. He is 26, I'm 20. I'm not sure, but I believe his wife just married him for his citizenship. Though one of his friends say they married because they were in love, for awhile, until his wife started playing around with other guys. And he was really honest and commited so it wasnt his thing. So they are both "single" now...... but still legally married. We work in a restaurant, and it just happens that his wife works with us both... only on the weekends. And yes, it is true that she is playing around. Her boyfriend is the busboy!!! Everybody knows it, even her husband. Who is a cook so when they kiss or w/e, they are in the dining room. Here is the problem: We are sorta boyfriend & girlfriend now. I mean, we make out. we went out before and hang out, and yeah.. he told me he loved me last week. We just are not confirmed yet i guess. But its pretty much common sence. I just think that he wants our relationship a secret though. He is a real flirt, we work the weekdays together and all we do is talk and flirt and all that stuff... we work the weekdays without his wife. On the weekends, when we work with his wife, he is like a different person! He doesn't say Hi at the beginning of the shift... No goodnight. We dont talk at all. Just business. I know he isnt interested in talking to anybody on the weekends, so there is no point in saying anything. Sometimes it makes me feel uncomfortable, and hurt. like i said he is like a different person. Sometimes at the end of his shift, after he left, he will text me. On Sundays she leaves early, and 10 minutes after she leaves, or he comes up from his break, he will start talking to me again after Friday and Saturday of silence. It just makes me feel weird. If he knows that his wife is so cheating on him, and he did say he loved me. So what the hell?? They claim to be single! OMG. I would talk to him about it, but we are still like getting to know each other. He never mentions her, or his status. I dont want to be the one to bring it up. But as time goes by, we are getting closer.... on the weekdays =( If anything is on your mind, like if you have answers... like what is this supposed to mean?! or advice, please share I appreciate it. Thanks!! he is USING you. You are 20 years old. He is MARRIED. He has a wife. He ignores you and treats you as a stranger when his wife is around. HE IS MARRIED. Whether he says he is legally seperated or not, the point is, he is married. Does he live with his wife? Does he sleep with his wife (well, then again, he won't tell you the truth on that one). Doesn't matter that she plays around on him. He chooses to accept that because he has NOT gotten a divorce. UNTIL he is divorced, stay away from him and stop making out with him. He is married. You are 20. Find a single man who does not have a wife of any kind, except maybe an 'ex wife'. You also say you are still just getting to know him, but he is telling you he loves you? Sounds like he just really wants to have sex with you. May advice - Stay away from him
fooled once Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 That is exactly how I feel... I dont get it!! But I will need to bring it up sooner or later, if he doesn't. if we are gonna get anywhere =/ i really want to. and he says he loves me. but sometimes, its like he doesnt show it. like she is more important. and nope, its him that is the one that would have married to stay in the country if anything. she is puerto rican, a US citizen.. so yeah. idk. thanks everyone for your help. again, you barely know him since you won't bring up things. You and he have no 'future' unless he is divorced. I just can't say enough how really bizarre this is. If you enjoy spending time with him and making out -- go for it. Just don't expect a long term relationship with him because HE IS MARRIED. He is playing games with you.
Author jaclynxox89 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 thanks everybody. you guys really helped me alot, look at things in a new way. last night at work i looked at him in a new way. and i was a lot less flirtier and more quiet. it would really be nice if he wasnt married, then maybe we could get somewhere. he even told me once, i wish i met you before. like, outside of "where we work" lol... at first, i didnt understand what he was saying. then later on, i figured out he was talking about his wife. he wish he met me first. but it is what it is. i have no idea how to move on, ive never been close with anybody like this before, never had a bf. but i know i have to. thanks everybody for your advice... i dont have parents that i can go to for this kinda advice, so this is the only type that ive had... and u helped:)
fooled once Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Just remember, he isn't your boyfriend. There are plenty of single guys out there. Stop looking for a boyfriend at your job. Those situations rarely work out too well. You are young. Go out with friends. Get involved in an activity - you will find someone who can focus JUST on you and you won't have to share him with a wife.
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