sandtiger86 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 (I'm sorry, this may be a bit lengthy) Backstory: A guy messaged me on Facebook a few months back. Said he could swear he recognized me from somewhere, I said not that I know of, etc. etc...we ended up talking all night (and the next night) until about 4 in the morning. He gave me his number, I gave him mine, and we began txting. We talked every day, and of course it got to the point to where he wanted to get more personal and talk on the phone, maybe meet up for a date. I got scared (because my one and only ex hurt me so bad 2 years ago, and I was strong on the idea of being anti-datist). He completely understood, and said txting is fine until I'm ready. We continued to txt everyday, getting to know each other, and actually ended up running into one another at a concert (and then went out to eat)...I couldn't believe how great he was in person. After that, we began to call one another and he was so anxious to meet up and go on another date. Yet again, though, I let the idea of being involved with someone and putting my heart out there get the best of me, and continued to make up excuses why I couldn't see him (I had to work, family business suddenly came up, etc). He actually understood, and we continued to talk. He said that no one has ever made him want to stay up until 4 in the morning talking, and that something about me just intrigued him...we talked for 2 months, said good morning to one another every morning, sweet dreams every night, all the mushy stuff. But eventually my walls began to hurt his feelings until he was quiet all week. After a couple of days of him being distant I realized that I wanted to try harder for him and that he was special enough for me to want to date again, so I told him "If you want me to leave you alone, I will...but I miss you and I'm sorry that I said I couldn't see you last weekend". His response was a shock (for some reason.), and it stung. "It's not that I want you to leave me alone...I met someone earlier this week, and we've been a couple of dates, which is why I've been quiet." He proceeded to explain that I hurt him with my excuses, and that he felt an amazing connection with me - but that he's just not formatted in a way that he can talk to me the way he used to and continue to someone else. He said that he felt this new person deserves a chance. When I told him I understood but I couldn't be in contact with him due to how much it hurt, he pleaded for me to still be his friend so he could get to know me more ("You hurt me before...please don't do it again by not being my friend even :(" were his words). ...So I stayed his friend. We called each other still. I wrote him a lengthy letter explaining how I felt about him and apologizing for the stupid things I did when I had him. He and this other person have been together for a month now. Sometimes he mentions how they're inconsiderate (how they once told him to hurry up while they were being intimate, and how when he found out he was having a surgery they didn't even have much of a reaction). When he found out I was talking to someone else (a rebound, of course) he txtd immediately and asked why I didn't mention anything to him, and that I could do way better. The whole thing might sound silly, but I've really never felt this way about anyone. I want the chance to show him the real me in a relationship, not the person with walls put up. But I fear my chance may be gone forever. I'm not sure if I should just move on, and do no contact to get over it (if I can) or to keep showing him that I'm here and I still care while his new lover continues to do little things that don't sit right with him. I'm terribly heartbroken, and although we only met in person once, I feel like we got to know each other and shared something special.
Author sandtiger86 Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 I would very much appreciate any guidance or advice on my situation...or maybe just a caring word. :-/
Ronni_W Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Hugs, sandtiger. I don't think it is fair of him to guilt you into a friendship. It doesn't matter what his reasons are, and saying "you should be my friend now cos you hurt me before," is just plain, manipulative crap! If trying to do a friendship with him is too hard on you, then you have a SELF-obligation to just stop. In your position. I think all you can do is tell him that the way things are is too emotionally draining on you, and aks him to get in touch with you if/when he is available and willing to re-open the idea of possibly getting involved romantically with you. You could also say that you do understand that he felt hurt when you were in self-protective mode, but that he will have to forgive you for that *IF* there is any hope for any type of relationship in the future, whether romantic OR platonic. In the meantime. Learning skills like assertiveness and how to set good emotional boundaries for yourself can empower you to feel more confident about "risking" your heart again. You could check books like 'Boundaries: Where You End And I Begin' or 'Where To Draw The Line', both by Anne Katherine. Best of luck.
NoneoftheAbove Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Hello sandtiger, im sorry you are going through this it sucks i know but there is nothing we can do to make them come back. You need to go NC and never look back, he left you for another girl? he's a coward for doing that i know how you feel dear. In time everything will be fine just hang in there.
teanoranges Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Cowards, that's the perfect word to describe them. Even more of a coward and insensitive person for not understanding that you will be hurt and being friends just doesn't cut it.
Author sandtiger86 Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Thanks Ronnie W...I never seem to know what I have until it's gone, but I want to get over that (this is the second time it's happened with someone), but I can't control it. It almost as if I'm emotionally shut off until my "oh ****, this person isn't there anymore" alarm goes off. Then it's too late. Noneoftheabove, he left for another guy. I'm a guy...we're gay...lol And thank you for the compassion, in any event.
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I wrote him a lengthy letter explaining how I felt about him and apologizing for the stupid things I did when I had him. You never had him. Sorry to be blunt about it, but this guy did everything right and all you did was push him away. And for what? For the chance that you might have your heart broken? An "anti-datist"? I just don't get it. Look at what happened: you got your heart broken anyway. And sorry to say, that's your own fault. I'm not saying you should throw your heart out to anyone within reach, but after connecting with this guy several times and even meeting him, you had no reason not to jump back in the saddle and start dating again. Breaking up sucks. Getting hurt sucks. All that stuff is true, but you know what? Being alone sucks even more. You'll never find someone to care about if you're going to sit around guarding your feelings to the point where you're living inside an emotional fortress. No one's going to sit around for weeks and months with a battering ram, trying to lay siege to all the emotional walls you've built around yourself on the off chance there's some great prize in the middle. Not gonna happen. This guy got tired of waiting, and so he met someone else. I can't say I blame him. While I do feel badly for you and wish you success in future dating, I can't say I feel too much sympathy for you in this situation. You made your bed and now you have to lie in it. Stop making such a big deal out of dating and getting hurt. Open up a bit, and let some people in. I get the impression you've shrouded the concept of dating someone with a lot more mystery and drama than you really need to. Let it go, and start enjoying yourself. That's my advice.
Author sandtiger86 Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 You never had him. Sorry to be blunt about it, but this guy did everything right and all you did was push him away. And for what? For the chance that you might have your heart broken? An "anti-datist"? I just don't get it. Look at what happened: you got your heart broken anyway. And sorry to say, that's your own fault. I'm not saying you should throw your heart out to anyone within reach, but after connecting with this guy several times and even meeting him, you had no reason not to jump back in the saddle and start dating again. Breaking up sucks. Getting hurt sucks. All that stuff is true, but you know what? Being alone sucks even more. You'll never find someone to care about if you're going to sit around guarding your feelings to the point where you're living inside an emotional fortress. No one's going to sit around for weeks and months with a battering ram, trying to lay siege to all the emotional walls you've built around yourself on the off chance there's some great prize in the middle. Not gonna happen. This guy got tired of waiting, and so he met someone else. I can't say I blame him. While I do feel badly for you and wish you success in future dating, I can't say I feel too much sympathy for you in this situation. You made your bed and now you have to lie in it. Stop making such a big deal out of dating and getting hurt. Open up a bit, and let some people in. I get the impression you've shrouded the concept of dating someone with a lot more mystery and drama than you really need to. Let it go, and start enjoying yourself. That's my advice. I know...you're absolutely right. I did this to myself, and I'm really feeling the consequences. I wish I wasn't so stupid and blind to my heart. I guess all I can do is use this as a major learning experience. I can't help but wonder if I love him, if it's possible to love somebody after a couple of months of serious talking and having only met in person once...of course, I would never tell him that - I'd look like a creeper. lol It's just hard knowing that he could've been the one and I let him get away because of my own fortress. I don't think I can do no contact, he's too important to me. I think I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all. Me not speaking to him again would only prove me to be an even more unsuitable person than I came off as in the first place, right? I showed him my tough side, but I want him to see my soft side. I want to meet him again in person (and he said he would love to hang out again), at least one more time before I make any kind of decision. I know that'll be setting myself up for hurt (his bf could show up, he could say something I don't want to hear, etc.), but something in me just tells me not to give up on him.
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Sandtiger, I still think you have a pretty good chance of getting this guy. But not as his friend. Staying friends with an ex is one of the worst ways to get him interested in you romantically, and although this guy is technically not an ex, he's also a lot more than just a friend. I'd play no contact with him right now. Be honest with him first. Tell him that you really do like him, and that you're sorry you didn't make a move sooner. Wish him luck with his new girlfriend (even though you don't!) and let him know he should call you if things between them ever change. If he says "why can't we just be friends?" tell him "Because that doesn't work for me." No further explanation necessary. If you do this, chances are good he'll come around. He doesn't sound too enmeshed in his new romance yet, and if it's not appealing to him he may be willing to dump it in order to have a shot with you. Just make sure that he DOES dump it. Right now what he's trying to do is have his cake and eat it too... he wants to see you casually (i.e. date you and sleep with you) when his girlfriend's not around, and then see which relationship option is best for him. Don't play that role. Be strong. You've already admitted that you screwed up, and that's a good start. Now keep your chin up and let this guy come back to you. If he doesn't, that's cool too - at least you learned something for next time. Good luck! Oh, and by the way, I do think you can fall in love with someone as quickly as you described. I did.
Author sandtiger86 Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 Thank you for the advice. I called him last friday morning, because I knew he was having his surgery (he didn't answer, but I didn't expect him to), so I left him a voicemail telling him he's in my thoughts and I know he'll pull through just fine. He never got back to me all weekend (I know he's probably not feeling well, and his new guy is taking care of him I'm sure...not an opportune moment to call me). So he knows how I feel, and I've done my part. I'm not going to say another word until he decides to get back to me. I'm just going to leave things alone, and let it play out without me bothering him for some time.
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