tami-chan Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 So, my husband and I are legally separated...divorce will be final soon , I hope. So far we are very amicable. We have also agreed to date other people but stbxh asked that I not be brazen about it especially when he is around since it apparently still hurts him...Kinda interesting, considering he is a serial cheater. My xOM/MM (now divorced) and I, as I have mentioned in other posts broke up in the Spring...but we still talk sometimes. He wants me back...but I feel that I need a new start...fresh start...with someone new... It has been quite a discouraging summer in terms of dating...the men who have asked me out are colleagues who are married! Hmm...are men really this vulturous? I think they asked me out not because I am a knocked out...but because I am separated and thus must need a man... and the flipside to this are well-meaning friends who seem to know a guy or two who is "perfect" for me...c'mon...what are the chances of a blind date being a hit....ugh... Finally, I recently met this wonderful guy...well-spoken, highly educated, passionate about life..and HOT ( I know, so juvenile...lol). I am fast falling for this guy, right? But I am trying to keep my cool...haha... We try to touch bases every day as much as we can-we both have very demanding jobs and arranging time to spend together is quite a feat...nobody's fault , of course...still when he does not call-even when I am unable to pick up the call-I feel like I miss him so much-yikes! I like seeing that there is a missed call on my cell phone and it was from him...go figure....I need to grow up...or be "cooler" about this...LOL.. Anyway, so tonight we were talking on the phone and he gets a call from his work...emergency...so he tells me , he will call me right back...and I wait and wait and wait-seemed like a long time...and told myself...nope DO NOT CALL HIM! well..I succumbed to my inner stalker and called...I let the phone ring twice and hung up. I hated that I did that....UGHHHHHH....anyway, he did call me back and apologized for making me wait-but by then, I was in tears and didnt feel like talking....I don't know whether I was mad that he made me wait for a relatively long time...or mad at myself for not having the patience..or just embarrassed for being such a nut-case....now I do not know what to say to him IF he calls me back.... My gosh, I have not been single since I was 17...and I have only had two relationships-my stbxh and my xOM....this single life..I don't know about this....
boldjack Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 You are very young, in terms of men. My advice is to not "date", just go out and meet men, big difference.. Have casual conversations, listen to music, dance, etc. Do this with friends, or alone, if you know a good bar for singles. Don't be rigidly tied to any concept that restricts your freedom to learn, and communicate. Most importantly, give yourself time to absorb culture, and understand your own feelings, both alone, and in the context of new relationships/experiences.
Author tami-chan Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 thanks for the reply...I cannot possibly go to bars alone (plus I don't drink)...I cannot even go to the movies or restaurant alone. When I was married, nobody seemed to care if I stayed home on nights I was alone (there were many, many nights, believe me)...now, my friends are worried when I am home alone...they are actually thrilled I met this guy... anyway, I really like this guy...but don't really know how to act around him it seems...Jesus, I feel like I am in junior high....
boldjack Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Tami, you should not fasten on the word "alone", any more than you should see just one guy......now! Maybe later, you will be experienced enough to form a LTR, but right now, you need repetition. To have more self-confidence, get rid of this immature "junior high", angst and gain experience understanding men, you should go out , meet them, and talk to them, Plural, not just one. And I'm not talking about sex here, I'm talking about communicating with a number of men. Understanding the Gender. Not dating, or being hit on.
boogieboy Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Youre saying you dont know about this dating thing because one time you NEEDED validation from a guy? Wow you latch on quick.
Author tami-chan Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Youre saying you dont know about this dating thing because one time you NEEDED validation from a guy? Wow you latch on quick. what do you mean "one time validation from a guy"? I sense some negative vibe from you...what's your problem?
betamanlet Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 So, my husband and I are legally separated...divorce will be final soon , I hope. So far we are very amicable. We have also agreed to date other people but stbxh asked that I not be brazen about it especially when he is around since it apparently still hurts him...Kinda interesting, considering he is a serial cheater. My xOM/MM (now divorced) and I, as I have mentioned in other posts broke up in the Spring...but we still talk sometimes. He wants me back...but I feel that I need a new start...fresh start...with someone new... It has been quite a discouraging summer in terms of dating...the men who have asked me out are colleagues who are married! Hmm...are men really this vulturous? I think they asked me out not because I am a knocked out...but because I am separated and thus must need a man... and the flipside to this are well-meaning friends who seem to know a guy or two who is "perfect" for me...c'mon...what are the chances of a blind date being a hit....ugh... Finally, I recently met this wonderful guy...well-spoken, highly educated, passionate about life..and HOT ( I know, so juvenile...lol). I am fast falling for this guy, right? But I am trying to keep my cool...haha... We try to touch bases every day as much as we can-we both have very demanding jobs and arranging time to spend together is quite a feat...nobody's fault , of course...still when he does not call-even when I am unable to pick up the call-I feel like I miss him so much-yikes! I like seeing that there is a missed call on my cell phone and it was from him...go figure....I need to grow up...or be "cooler" about this...LOL.. Anyway, so tonight we were talking on the phone and he gets a call from his work...emergency...so he tells me , he will call me right back...and I wait and wait and wait-seemed like a long time...and told myself...nope DO NOT CALL HIM! well..I succumbed to my inner stalker and called...I let the phone ring twice and hung up. I hated that I did that....UGHHHHHH....anyway, he did call me back and apologized for making me wait-but by then, I was in tears and didnt feel like talking....I don't know whether I was mad that he made me wait for a relatively long time...or mad at myself for not having the patience..or just embarrassed for being such a nut-case....now I do not know what to say to him IF he calls me back.... My gosh, I have not been single since I was 17...and I have only had two relationships-my stbxh and my xOM....this single life..I don't know about this.... I'm 34, I've been in relationships maybe for a total. 1.2 years of my entire life, combined. Perhaps you should learn how to be self sufficient?
Author tami-chan Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 I'm 34, I've been in relationships maybe for a total. 1.2 years of my entire life, combined. Perhaps you should learn how to be self sufficient? Self-sufficient? What exactly do you mean? Financially, I do not need my stbxh. I am a person...I am a social being. A normal person needs to be emotionally vested in another....check out Maslow's hierarchy of needs...besides why should I be alone? It is not like I do not have people asking me out. That is not my problem..well, it is not really a problem..I am being dramatic here lol..I am just saying being single is a pain in the rear...too may things to consider.
betamanlet Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Self-sufficient? What exactly do you mean? Financially, I do not need my stbxh. I am a person...I am a social being. A normal person needs to be emotionally vested in another....check out Maslow's hierarchy of needs...besides why should I be alone? It is not like I do not have people asking me out. That is not my problem..well, it is not really a problem..I am being dramatic here lol..I am just saying being single is a pain in the rear...too may things to consider. Wrong. A normal person at most "WANTS" to be emotionally invested, but doesn't NEED to.
Bejita463 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Wrong. A normal person at most "WANTS" to be emotionally invested, but doesn't NEED to. I agree with this. "Needing" to be in a relationship is probably not the safest path to happiness.
Author tami-chan Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 well...we disagree...I believe in Maslow's hierarchy of needs....<shrug>... So you think a hermit who has no emotional investment with other people is normal?
betamanlet Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 well...we disagree...I believe in Maslow's hierarchy of needs....<shrug>... So you think a hermit who has no emotional investment with other people is normal? Maybe normal isn't the right word, given that how many people are so messed up, that being messed up is "normal".. Being a hermit isn't even normal, nor is it ideal.... But it's no less messed up than constantly needing to be involved with someone because it's like saying that you're incomplete on your own, tha tyou need to be with someone else to be a whole person.. You don't see a problem with that?
hopesndreams Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 You're just finding it harder to date now that you are going to be single. If you weren't going through a divorce it would be much easier for you. You'll get the hang of it.
Author tami-chan Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Maybe normal isn't the right word, given that how many people are so messed up, that being messed up is "normal".. Being a hermit isn't even normal, nor is it ideal.... But it's no less messed up than constantly needing to be involved with someone because it's like saying that you're incomplete on your own, tha tyou need to be with someone else to be a whole person.. You don't see a problem with that? Ok...hmm..let's see I think yiou are stretching here...I am not "constantly needing to be involved"...I have been involved...since I was 17...until I was 32 to one person...it was not a conventional marriage, either...long , boring story... You are making a lot of assumptions here...I have no problem getting date...I get asked out on fairly regular basis but I won't/don't go out with just anybody. I finally found someone I like enough( a lot actually lol)....but I am acting like a high school girl with him, or at least I think so... Anyway, since you consider yourself a social reject(your words not mine) and have not had substantial experience dating....I do not know why you are saying these things to me...dude, lighten up...the way you are talking is a turn off because you have an attitude like you are better than anybody...er...I sense sour grapes...
justforfun Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 well...we disagree...I believe in Maslow's hierarchy of needs....<shrug>... That's not how I learned it. I think you are taking the meaning or intent and twisting it to suit your needs.
betamanlet Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Ok...hmm..let's see I think yiou are stretching here...I am not "constantly needing to be involved"...I have been involved...since I was 17...until I was 32 to one person...it was not a conventional marriage, either...long , boring story... You are making a lot of assumptions here...I have no problem getting date...I get asked out on fairly regular basis but I won't/don't go out with just anybody. I finally found someone I like enough( a lot actually lol)....but I am acting like a high school girl with him, or at least I think so... Anyway, since you consider yourself a social reject(your words not mine) and have not had substantial experience dating....I do not know why you are saying these things to me...dude, lighten up...the way you are talking is a turn off because you have an attitude like you are better than anybody...er...I sense sour grapes... My point is was that you used the word "needed" in reference to being in a relationship. You don't need to be. It's nice to be in one, but if you "need" to be in one, then you have a problem.
Author tami-chan Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 You're just finding it harder to date now that you are going to be single. If you weren't going through a divorce it would be much easier for you. You'll get the hang of it. thanks..I just want to date the right person, don't we all? Serial dating is really not my thing...I guess I could, but it just does not sit well with me.
justforfun Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I sense sour grapes... I sense that you came on here looking for validation and you're upset because you didn't get it. Anyway, so tonight we were talking on the phone and he gets a call from his work...emergency...so he tells me , he will call me right back...and I wait and wait and wait-seemed like a long time...and told myself...nope DO NOT CALL HIM! well..I succumbed to my inner stalker and called...I let the phone ring twice and hung up. I hated that I did that....UGHHHHHH....anyway, he did call me back and apologized for making me wait-but by then, I was in tears and didnt feel like talking....I don't know whether I was mad that he made me wait for a relatively long time...or mad at myself for not having the patience..or just embarrassed for being such a nut-case....now I do not know what to say to him IF he calls me back.... That's not behaving like a 17 year old. That's behaving like an adult with issues that clearly need addressing. In all honesty, I would be surprised if he sticks around once he realizes the extent of your issues.
Author tami-chan Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 That's not how I learned it. I think you are taking the meaning or intent and twisting it to suit your needs. Perhaps....<shrug>
justforfun Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 thanks..I just want to date the right person, don't we all? Serial dating is really not my thing...I guess I could, but it just does not sit well with me. I think you're going to have to take a fresh look at that. Because 'you' isn't likely to work out for you. Latching onto the first available man regardless of his feelings isn't how it's done. You aren't a teenager anymore and you need to stop acting like one. Act like a grown woman and learn how adults approach finding a new partner. And in fact stop racing to find the next partner because you clearly need to retrain your behavior before you get into looking for someone new.
justforfun Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Perhaps....<shrug> Shrug, shrug, shrug. That's really not the reaction one would expect from a grown woman. I have a teenager that does that. It's extremely immature.
Author tami-chan Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 My point is was that you used the word "needed" in reference to being in a relationship. You don't need to be. It's nice to be in one, but if you "need" to be in one, then you have a problem. I don't think I said I need to be in a relationship...will you quote that, please? I think I said as social beings we need to be vested emotionally to other people....
Author tami-chan Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 I sense that you came on here looking for validation and you're upset because you didn't get it. Validation for what? That's not behaving like a 17 year old. That's behaving like an adult with issues that clearly need addressing. I guess so, huh? thanks! In all honesty, I would be surprised if he sticks around once he realizes the extent of your issues. If he doesn't...well...there are many more, right? there will be one or two who will be willing to deal with my crap...lol..I am sure of it...
Author tami-chan Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 I think you're going to have to take a fresh look at that. Because 'you' isn't likely to work out for you. Latching onto the first available man regardless of his feelings isn't how it's done. You aren't a teenager anymore and you need to stop acting like one. Act like a grown woman and learn how adults approach finding a new partner. And in fact stop racing to find the next partner because you clearly need to retrain your behavior before you get into looking for someone new. Whoah...are you ok? you are like just attacking me...anyway, he is not the FIRST available man who has asked me out. There are several. He is, however, the first that I took a fancy to.... If I just wanted to be with someone..I could just be with my xOM/MM who got divorced and wants to marry me...he is good-looking, a very successful lawyer in DC..who loves me to pieces!
justforfun Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I don't think I said I need to be in a relationship...will you quote that, please? I think I said as social beings we need to be vested emotionally to other people.... But you were quite adamant the Maslow's hierachy of needs related to a romantic relationship. You overlooked that those emotional needs are met by a sense of belonging that can be satisfied large social group, such as clubs, office culture,religious groups, professional organizations, sports teams, or small social connections (family members, intimate partners, mentors, close colleagues, confidants). It might be a good idea for you to explore these many options before jumping into a relationship. That would give you an opportunity to develop a sense of self and distract you from these obsessive behaviors.
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