BootsElectric Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 (edited) A little backstory, well not that little, sorry. I've been seeing my girlfriend for almost a year now. Things have been always great between us, we got to the level of telling each other how much we love the other, and there's never been any friction between us. She is older than me and is in the process of finishing grad school. She always made it known that she would be moving when she finished at the end of october (1 1/2 hours from where I still live). We had made plans for the future, she would move down, I'd follow in a few months, get a place together, all that jazz. Fast forward to the end of last month, I spend a few days getting her moved down. Halloween morning she tells me she feels off and wants to get a pregnancy test. She takes two, both are positive. At this point I was scared (I'm only 21) but am willing to accept my part of the responsibility. She's always mentioned she doesn't want kids, so I didn't worry about that, she makes it known she's going to get an abortion. On the way home the next morning we finally start to talk more. I tell her basically I've got her back covered 100%, I'll do whatever I need to, however I can help. I jokingly tell her I'm prepared for her to hate me. She responds along the lines "I don't hate you, but I do feel incredibly turned off whenever you touch/hug me." The wind is knocked out of my sails, but whatever, I chalk it up to hormones. So, it's now been a couple weeks. She still has class a couple days a week and she has stayed with me twice so far. Asides from that she called me crying last week because her sister had been antagonistic about the pregnancy, so I immediately made the drive down to try and cheer her up, and help her however I can. But I feel really alone since finding out, as if all her feelings for me have changed. I can literally count the number of times we've had physical contact since then. 1. A hug when she left my house last week, and 2. a hug when she left my house on thursday. I tried to kiss her goodbye last week but she shrank away (she's never done that before.) She also hasn't told me she loves me in weeks now too. Today we talked for a minute and I mentioned I missed her, an awkward silence ensued, I felt pretty horrible afterwards. I can understand getting grumpy, I probably would be if I was pregnant too, but at this point I'm already getting tired of her poor attitude towards me. I love this woman, and therefore have been going out of my way to show her that I still love her, and to support her the best I can and I've received nothing but coldness. The abortion is planned for in two weeks, I don't see all these weird feelings suddenly going away when she's no longer carrying a fetus. I can't help but feel this is going to be the end of our relationship. Thoughts, opinions greatly appreciated. She wishes to keep this a secret from her/my friends, I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Edited November 15, 2009 by BootsElectric
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Sounds to me like your relationship went through/is going through a major test and is falling apart. I'm sorry to hear that. Things don't sound like they were very strong. While that's hard to admit after a year of being together, it's hard to ignore the facts. I think she was just faced with a major trial by fire when it comes to you two as a couple and she couldn't deal with it. No, things will most likely NOT go back to "normal" after the abortion. I'm a woman. I deal with PMS, hormones, and was pregnant once for 10 weeks (miscarried) - don't let that be a good excuse for poor behavior - that's pathetic. She's being the way she's being because she CAN. It sounds to me like you are being permissive of her behavior because A) you feel guilty about your part in getting her pregnant, and B) you're afraid of losing her. You're not helping her on either count. I think at this point, what would serve her is strength.
Boundary Problem Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 (edited) I'm only 21 She's always mentioned she doesn't want kids. she makes it known she's going to get an abortion. "I don't hate you, but I do feel incredibly turned off whenever you touch/hug me." Asides from that she called me crying last week because her sister had been antagonistic about the pregnancy I tried to kiss her goodbye last week but she shrank away (she's never done that before.) She also hasn't told me she loves me in weeks now too. The abortion is planned for in two weeks 1. How old is she? 2. Before this experience - Why did she not want children? 3. Is it possible she decided she does want children, but just not with you? 4. Would you have income for the next 15-20 years to support this child in a good standard of living, had she chosen to go ahead with the pregnancy? 5. Why is the sister expressing antagonism towards the pregnancy? 6. How come she got to tell her sister and you have been silenced? If you give me more information here, then I'll have more insight into her frame of mind. Edited November 15, 2009 by Boundary Problem
Johnny M Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 How did she get pregnant? Did she forget to take the pill?
Boundary Problem Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 How did she get pregnant? The old-fashioned way, Johnny
Johnny M Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 The old-fashioned way, Johnny Are you OP's girlfriend?
mbeewood Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Make sure she gets an abortion. Otherwise you're completely ****ed. God I hate the laws regarding babies, you shouldn't have to pay for a kid you don't want.
Bejita463 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Make sure she gets an abortion. Otherwise you're completely ****ed. God I hate the laws regarding babies, you shouldn't have to pay for a kid you don't want. I'm not against abortion, but as many reasons as there are for abortions, this is not one of them. Keep things in your pants if you are worried about the potential financial repercussions of letting fly the love-yogurt.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 letting fly the love-yogurt. Wow. "love-yogurt" How do guys come up with such unappealing names for sex-related parts/pieces?
Bejita463 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Wow. "love-yogurt" How do guys come up with such unappealing names for sex-related parts/pieces? Someone recently told me that their child had spilled some of their yogurt on the floor, and my response, naturally, was that I'd recently had that problem myself. I'm mature.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I'm mature. Pretty much all men are. To include the ones more than a decade older than me with advanced degrees, respected careers and children of their own.
Bejita463 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Pretty much all men are. To include the ones more than a decade older than me with advanced degrees, respected careers and children of their own. Heh, I am passably successful considering my age, and I like to consider myself relatively intelligent despite my lack of fancy pieces of paper. Even considering those things, something I have learned in my few years as an adult is that I don't get paid more for acting my age. So, taking that into context... why should I?
Author BootsElectric Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 1. How old is she? 27 2. Before this experience - Why did she not want children? She always said she wanted to wait until much older, not right when she's starting her career. 3. Is it possible she decided she does want children, but just not with you? I've never doubted the honesty of her words about kids, no, I highly doubt this. 4. Would you have income for the next 15-20 years to support this child in a good standard of living, had she chosen to go ahead with the pregnancy? I'm going to be starting a new, well paying job in own career next summer, so yes. 5. Why is the sister expressing antagonism towards the pregnancy? Personal reasons, her sister has been trying to get pregnant for a years now has been unsuccessful. 6. How come she got to tell her sister and you have been silenced? She never explicitly told me "Don't tell anyone!" I just assumed she would wish this was kept quiet.
Boundary Problem Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I think she is making the decision for "both of you" (meaning you and her). And I think a small part of her resents having to end this pregnancy. She is trying to make a decision that won't ruin your life and to a lesser extent hers. I was raised that if the man isn't 125% ready to have the child - ie begging you to get pregnant - you end the pregnancy or don't get pregnant in the first place. Sounds like she might have the same values. Do you see how her having to be the 'strong' one here has caused a shift in the dynamic in your relationship? If the man isn't in control, it becomes less attractive to us. The next month is a very emotional time for her. I don't have too many suggestions for you. Maybe you should post a thread in the Coping section for some advice on how to support her without smothering her or making her angry. Sensitivity comment - the views I have expressed here are my own and if I have offended anyone I apologize.
Author BootsElectric Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 Thanks for the insight, Boundary Problem. I am however, unsure about the control issue. I have always had the stance in the past that it's the woman's choice. Being as young as I am, isn't the fact the first thing I did when we found out was re-affirm the fact I would support her if she wanted to keep it or not, show my strength of character? Let's be honest, I'm not going to beg and plead for her to keep the child. She has been 100% against keeping it, it's not an option to her, at least as far as she's revealed to me in the past. Perhaps she feels differently inside, but the woman's insight into child rearing is out of my knowledge league. I very well may be wrong, I'm just not sure how I could've been stronger so far, or what I should change in the future.
Krytie TV Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 No, a guy shouldn't have to pay for a kid he doesn't want. The end. Then he has to pay for not having the kid. That is, use protection. If he passes on that right, he loses all rights (apart form his opinion) once the seed is sown.
Boundary Problem Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Thanks for the insight, Boundary Problem. I am however, unsure about the control issue. I have always had the stance in the past that it's the woman's choice. Being as young as I am, isn't the fact the first thing I did when we found out was re-affirm the fact I would support her if she wanted to keep it or not, show my strength of character? Let's be honest, I'm not going to beg and plead for her to keep the child. She has been 100% against keeping it, it's not an option to her, at least as far as she's revealed to me in the past. Perhaps she feels differently inside, but the woman's insight into child rearing is out of my knowledge league. I very well may be wrong, I'm just not sure how I could've been stronger so far, or what I should change in the future. Hi BootsElectric, 1. I don't see what you could have done differently. 2. There is an outstanding issue of birth control and I'll leave it to you to consider how to prevent an unplanned pregnancy in the future. In time, you may reknit as a couple. I think it would be very painful for her to see you with another woman right now. Sometimes we just go through these things. You handle the situation as best you can and ultimately you will have to move on once you are sure she is OK. This might take her a while to come to peace with what has happened. Maybe see if there is an online support group she could join. So she gets to express some of her feelings.
Sam Spade Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) I think she is making the decision for "both of you" (meaning you and her). And I think a small part of her resents having to end this pregnancy. She is trying to make a decision that won't ruin your life and to a lesser extent hers. I was raised that if the man isn't 125% ready to have the child - ie begging you to get pregnant - you end the pregnancy or don't get pregnant in the first place. Sounds like she might have the same values. . Haha, that's pretty good rule of thumb. Spread the word! Some girls have the delusional idea that if they get pregnant their guy will "shape up" . But in reality, if that happens, he'll end up resenting both her and the baby. I'ms at about 102% . I'm pretty sure it's time for a baby, so I could give him (or her) a hard time once he (or she) is a teenager . Edited November 16, 2009 by Sam Spade
Bejita463 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) No, a guy shouldn't have to pay for a kid he doesn't want. The end. Then keep it in your pants, or don't go into battle without armor. The end. Women have all the power they want when it comes to a kid, if they don't want the kid they can get rid of it, if they want it they can keep it and force you to pay thousands and thousands of dollars over the next 18 years. What a bunch of BS.That sounds like a pretty good reason to ensure you are responsible for your own actions. If you do not do this yourself, you give the woman the power to make that decision for you if she desires to do so. I don't see a problem, save that there has to be a law requiring a guy to take care of his responsibilities because he will refuse to do so of his own free will. Edited November 16, 2009 by Bejita463
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