wiseup Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I am out of the fog!! I can finally say this without any hesitation. My xmm threw me under the bus the end of March and it was quite a few dark months for me. Five, to be exact, which is pretty long considering our "relationship" was pretty brief. I too, spent hours wondering if he'd ever contact me, what he would say, etc. And then it happened, 5 months later, he contacted me, after telling me that he promised his w that he won't. Actually the exact words he used were that he would never contact me again so that he wouldn't be an obstacle of me moving on. How very noble of him. And how very little his words mean even to himself. Ever since the beginning of Sept., he has made several attempts of contacting me online. You'd think at least I deserved an apology of sorts. He did break my heart, after all. I was in love w/ him and he abandoned me, twice. Even though it wasn't wise of me to put myself in that situation. But no, no apologies, no heartfelt concern for me. Just small talk trying to see if he's still got that "power" over me. Oh also, he contacted me cuz he needed me. He needed my professional opinion to help him get something. Funny now he remembers me. Funny that he doesn't counsel with his w, who is the kind of girl that makes her hubsand do all her schoolwork for her. But I digress. I have told him several times that I don't think it's a good idea of us talking again. He said that it's just a friend thing, from friends to friends, from grad students to grad students. Then it suddenly dawned on me. I have changed tremendously during the past 8 months whereas he hasn't at all. He just wants to use me, for an ego boost, for an emotional crutch, for my professional opinions. Even after I ignored him from time to time, making a strong point that I don't wanna talk to him. He'd stop for a while and contact me in a few weeks like nothing had ever happened. He would drop me a line like hey, how's it going. Like I'd have completely forgotten about my own words, like him. For those of you still in the dark, I just want to say that I am completely over him. I also want to let you know that you will too when you realize if he hasn't left his w yet, it means he's just not that into you. This is not to say he doesn't have feelings for you. I'm sure he does. Just like my xmm, I'm sure he still likes me, more or less. And that it kills him for him to realize that I don't care for him any more. But he's the one that abandoned me. He's the one that's not making sacrifices for me. And now I have moved on and he is the same old him. Too bad. At least I learned something from all this. Oh, did I mention that I have a wonderful bf now? Someone who treats me like a queen. As a matter of fact, in a few hours I am having dinner w/ him and his mom for the very 1st time. He makes me wonder what do I see in xmm. Seriously, I cannot believe that I used to settle for so little. For the crumbs he threw my way. And the reality is I am so much better. There are someone out there who is so much more successful and so much better than him that loves me and spends time w/ me and does not go home to sleep w/ another woman. We now spend about 4 nights a week together. A good balance, IMO. I tell my bf about all the pathetic attempts made by xmm. We'd get a good laugh out of it. We'd laugh how pathetic he is trying desperately to get back the control he used to have over me and how he realized what he has lost. He (my bf) even said that he reminds him of the song "My girl's ex-bf" by relient k. "He's a guy that you should feel sorry for He had the world but he thought that he wanted more I owe it all to the mistake he made back then I owe it all to my girl's ex-boyfriend" So girls, get out of the fog ASAP! I used to think that my xmm is good too but now I know he really isn't. He is manipulative, extremely selfish and he doesn't have a backbone. This is not someone I want to spend the rest of life with. And there are someone better out there for every one of us. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you'll be happier. I am really happy now. I can truly say this. I have a great bf and more importantly, I have my self-esteem back.
NoIDidn't Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 As of this post, 74 views and no responses. I, for one, am glad that you are out of that hormonally-induced haze we call "the fog". It takes a while to get those hormones out of your system. The "in love" hormones are NO JOKE. And even for couples NOT in an A, it generally takes about two years to normalize. You still have time to go - but are on a great track. Don't be surprised if the feelings return every now and then. Intense dealings have a way of creeping back up on you every now and then.
learnfrommymistakes Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 thank you wiseup SO nice of you to come and post your experiences and triumph> I am delighted you are out of the fog and think that it is wonderful you met someone kind and supportive...he sounds great. WAY TO GO. I hope you have many more wonderful dinners together....your post is encouraging, and thank you. My xmm is divorced but we are not together, he is coming for a visit and i thinnk this will be goodbye. I cant take it any more...and i am ready also for the fog to lift, this is no way to live a healthy life...I have dated wonderful men, who were great to me, so it should not be as hard as it is to walk away from someone who does not respect or treat you with dignity and grace.....BUT we all learn in our own time. WAY TO GO, YOU MADE MY DAY lfmm
1Angel Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 The "friend to friend thing" is a play on emotional or even professional closeness so you'll have sex again. Good for you not falling for it. Your situation is different but it reminds me of married guys who befriend other women, become their confidant only as a lame try to get in their pants eventually. If a guy tries to have emotionally too close for comfort chats with ya throw a business card of a marriage counselor to him and RUN AWAY in the other direction as fast as you can. Glad to hear you found a new guy who treats you well. That's the way it should be right.
Author wiseup Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Went straight to talk about his problems. No response. Then he talked about it some more including a question "Has this ever happened to you?". No response. Then he went offline. This is actually getting quite amusing to me. I can't believe after all he's done to me, he still expects me to be his friend, to hold his hand whenever something tough comes up. Did I think I'd get to this point even 3 months ago? Absolutely not. Now not only do I blow him off, I actually feel good about it. I couldn't care less what's going on in his world. I don't care about whatever problems he has. As a matter of fact, I just changed to status to "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." Proud of myself. Hope all the OW would get there some day.
Boundary Problem Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 He is manipulative, extremely selfish and he doesn't have a backbone. This is not someone I want to spend the rest of life with. What an excellent post. I'm so happy you found happiness with your boyfriend. It is great that he is supportive of you. I think the quote above sums up why they find themselves in this situation (at least the MM that was chasing me for a while). Decent man, very lonely. And just not strong enough to do what it takes to allow himself to be happy. It is like they are living life on the sidelines and they want you to come sit on the bench with them.
1Angel Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 IM Went straight to talk about his problems. No response. Then he talked about it some more including a question "Has this ever happened to you?". No response. Then he went offline. He's pathetic! Good for you ignoring it.
torranceshipman Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) Hy WiseUp, what a great post - one of the best I've ever seen on this board! So many true words spoken. I too am going home for dinner with my fabulous boyfriend tonight, and I too wonder how I could ever have (years ago) been involved with a crappy guy is a situation similar to your previous one....I really hope that some OW people will take your story to heart... Edited November 18, 2009 by torranceshipman typo
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