Len Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Hi, I have been searching this site lately looking for some insight yet I have not been able to find that insight so thought I would ask. I am a 41 year old man and I got together with my ex I when we were both 22. We had been friends since childhood and I had always kept a protective eye out for her. We lost touch over the years and then oneday I got a call from her telling me she was in trouble and needed help. She had become involved with drink and drugs and been raped. I set her up in a small apartment and helped her regain her confidence and self esteem. Eventually, about a year later we became more than friends, I found a bigger apartment and we moved in together. A year later I bought a house for us and we lived a very happy life together for a long time. She was could be very jealous and insecure and hated being alone but it rarely bothered me, and in 8 or so years I can count any arguments we had on one hand. During the 9th year I fell ill and almost died. For a while she had to stand on her own two feet while I got myself better, I was too tired and ill to to do little but reassure her I would be better soon, but she fell into a depression, hit the bottle and a few weeks later she left to stay with her mother. Her drinking became worse, she fell in with the wrong crowd, got into drugs and began sleeping with another man. She ended the relationship, she hated me for falling ill, blamed me for her depression, drinking and her cheating. Eventually I discovered she was also telling people I abused her and so we parted on sour terms. We have had no contact at all for ten years until about 5 weeks ago I saw her in town. I thought about it for a while and figured life is too short for grudges so I walked over to say hello. She took one look at me, told me to f**k off and walked away. I have got to admit even after ten years that hurt. I have always understood she was a weak person, I can understand her hitting the bottle in times of stress and I can even understand her running off to another man, but why the hate? Any insight would be most welcome, thankyou.
Lamak Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 She probably couldn't cope with the fact that the only person who was there for her got ill. She then began to deal with her problems the best way she could, drinking and drugging. She probably lied as a way to justify her actions. She probably told you to leave her alone, because she believes her own lies. Don't let it bother you, you did the best that you could. You can't save people with issues.
Ronni_W Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Len, I'm sorry that happened to you. Given all that you did and tried to do for her, you certainly deserved much better from her. It's impossible to say why she has such a hate-on for you. Whatever is going on in her mind about it is obviously seriously distorted. Perhaps you have come to represent every person, situation and event in her life that she blames for her lack of happiness and success. Blaming is so much easier and more convenient than having to take responsibility and hold one's self accountable. And perhaps hating you is easier and more convenient than having to examine her relationships with her parents, other childhood caregivers, siblings, etc. However it got there, it's misplaced/misdirected hate. Even though she is putting it on you it does not properly belong to you, you do not deserve it, and you do not need to allow it to enter into your 'inner space' and self-image. It sucks that she does not have he capacity, and is unable, to tell you how grateful she is for all your help and support over the years. But that doesn't mean that you didn't do a wonderful thing. You're obviously a warm, caring, compassionate, forgiving, lovable and loving person. Sending hugs...and gratitude.
Space Ritual Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 As a recovering alcoholic/drug addict (9 years now clean and sober) it is painfully obvious that she harbors resentments ofr some sort of abandonment on your part. It matters not to her that you were ill or almost died. In her mind you checked out on her. If she had been in any type of successful recovery she would have had to come to terms with these issues at some point. In essence, she would have had to progress through Steps 8 and 9 sucessfully. It is clear that she is nowhere near that, if she is even in recovery. I am afraid that you did all you can do for her all those years ago. Most likley she is still drinking and using and never really hit a rock bottom. many of us in recovery (myself included) went through a series of what we though were Rock Bottoms before we get it and decide to get better. She is beyond your help, or anyone else's but her own surrender at this point. To her, your happening upon her was an instantaneous look in the mirror at everything she has lost and rather than suck it up in front of you and try to put a brave face she reacted in a true addict's fashion. You were the only thing good to happen to her in recent memory and she blew it and couldn't take the reminder. Don't feel too bad. You are still alive and hopefully thriving. She has the lonely road of denial and resentment ahead of her. Just be glad she didn't drag you down with her.
Author Len Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Thankyou for the replies. Space Ritual, you have pretty much confirmed what the conclusions I came to years ago. Even as she left she told me she could never forgive me and I spent a long time blaming myself before I figured out what that meant. She did hit rock bottom after we split, lost her job, her home and had a kid with a local smackhead. I once saw her from afar about two years after we split and could barely recognise her, dressed in rags and looking twice her age. When I saw her the other week she looked good and healthy and I guess I thought she may have been capable of a sorry or a thankyou. Ronni, that is probably the nicest thing anyone has said to me in over ten years. Thankyou very much. You are also very insightful as although I shouldn't expect it, I have just realized a little bit of gratitude from either herself, her family or any of our old friends is all I have ever wanted. Once again, thankyou.
Ronni_W Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 although I shouldn't expect it, I have just realized a little bit of gratitude from either herself, her family or any of our old friends is all I have ever wanted. Once again, thankyou. Len, That's not an unreasonable expectation. Perhaps unrealistic, given her life experiences and resulting level of self-awareness and social skills...but NOT unreasonable. In terms of others acknowledging your 'good stuff', yeah...it surprises me, too, that people can't do it for others more often. If you're open to it and it will offer something positive, think of me as a "new friend", and know that my gratitude is honest and heartfelt. In any event, you're most welcome. Sending Love and Blessings, R
Author Len Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 If you're open to it and it will offer something positive, think of me as a "new friend", and know that my gratitude is honest and heartfelt. In any event, you're most welcome. Sending Love and Blessings, R I am the one who should be grateful. Thankyou Friend, you are very kind.
Recommended Posts