baddogbad Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 First post! I won't ask you guys to go easy on me, I don't deserve it and its probably not what I need anyways. I'm hoping to gain some insight on my affair and resolve some questions I have that still linger although its over. I don't want to approach my AP with them, I doubt he'd tell me the truth anyways. If I sound a little nonchalant about this whole thing, I reassure you I'm not...that I understand the severity, my poor choices and how I need to take some time to look in the mirror and fix whats broke. I'll try to go into as much detail as possible, without writing a novel. Without further ado...the backstory... A little over two years ago, I met this man when he was hired at my office. I was single, he was in a new relationship. Slowly, we developed an working friendship. It was very approrpriate--we'd laugh and joke at work, but kept private lives private and didn't have much contact outside of our job. We got along well and had a similar sense of humor. It was over a year of this kind of interaction before the flirting began and he was now engaged at the time. I knew it was wrong and I was playing with fire, but I didn't stop it because I enjoyed the attention. We began to spend more time with one another outside of work. The flirting slowly progressed to more explicit conversations and eventually a PA. When we got in contact, we barely exchanged formalities before things got raunchy. I didn't know how his day went or what he was up to, but I knew his fantasies in great detail as he did mine and, on a few occasions, we acted on them. I was under no illusion that we were soulmates trapped in a cruel, cruel world. I knew what I was getting into...a purely NSA, sex for sex's sake deal. Although it was mutually beneficial between two consenting adults, he was engaged and it weighed heavily on my mind. I tried to break it off a few times, but relented to his objections. This went on for a couple months before things started to change. I am ashamed to admit, I accepted and was comfortable with the status quo--when we got in contact, it was merely to get our rocks off. No bonding, talking and certainly no "feelings" talk. So I became confused as he began to contact me to hold daily conversations, sometimes for 15 minutes and sometimes for an hour or two. Just talking, nothing sexual. We even began to spend some time with one another without the ultimate goal being sex and one one day in particular, we spent a few hours alone together doing activities and he never seized the opportunity to go at it. That day was a strange one for me and a turning point. For the next two months, it was different--we'd talk almost daily (he always initiated) yet still continued our PA when the oppertunity arose. He was never an open book, but began to let me in more and more. We still never had a conversation about what we felt (if anything) towards one another and where this was going, and I personally never showed him any signs that I was interested in anything more than what we were doing. Eventually, he married. We still continued our conversation routine, but devoid of sexual undertones. Long story short, one month into his marriage we found ourselves alone at work and the expected happened. This time, though, I declined. Seems my moral compass finally decided to show up to the party nearly a year too late. I told him I was done, I've done a lot of things I felt guilty over and I wasn't going to cross this line. I fully expected him to do anything to hang on to his cake, but thats not what I got. He said OK. It wasn't a big deal. All you had to do was tell me. Don't worry about it. ...Huh!? I thanked him for not giving me a hard time, we talked a little bit and left it at that. I was relieved that it didn't turn into a big fight, but also confused. How this ended still leaves me scratching my head. Was it really that simple? Does he not believe me that its over and was brushing me off? Was he saving face? In six months, I plan on leaving this job and moving on. Partly because of this, partly because I'm going towards a different career. Strangely, though, it hasn't been awkward since that day. Last week we were alone together at work (I tried to get out of it, no go) and he never tried to test the boundaries--he was very professional. Being completely honest and knowing full well its not the best idea, we still talk often. Mostly small talk and whats going on in our day. So much for not writing a novel. So have at it. Questions, insight, perspective, throw a couple stones...let me have it.
whichwayisup Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Why are you confused? This has gone well considering.. Anyway, he probably has seemed aloof about it all as he doesn't want drama, he doesn't want to deal with any fallout, my guess is, neither do you. It is what it is, the A is over, he's married, and now it's time to just let go, think of this as a good experience and move on with your life. Men are quite simple in some terms, and since this guy is keeping it professional, yet is fine with a casual friendship, question is, can you handle it? No more crossing lines, getting personal, sexual etc.. Question is, are you inlove with him? If so, I'm suggesting you do all that you can to let go of him and find a single guy to meet all your needs.
torranceshipman Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Good on you for ending it! I think it is either a) he is totally saving face and is really embarrassed at being shot down (hence the pretend nonchalance) or b) you hurt his ego big time! With the true nonchalance he showed toward having sex with you before getting M, whilst engaged and then (at least he hoped) when M...I'd guess he's a serial cheater and may just think hell, I just need to find someone else to mess around with now...
Author baddogbad Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 (edited) Men are quite simple in some terms, and since this guy is keeping it professional, yet is fine with a casual friendship, question is, can you handle it? Absolutely. I guess my confusion stems from the possibility of a casual friendship, weather or not that is his intention as well or if he doesn't believe what I said and wants something more at a later date. Believe me, I am glad it end the way it did. No drama, no shattering lives. I just don't want to naively start to walk down that road again. eta... I think it is either a) he is totally saving face and is really embarrassed at being shot down (hence the pretend nonchalance) or b) you hurt his ego big time!...I'd guess he's a serial cheater and may just think hell, I just need to find someone else to mess around with now... Thank you for your perspective. While relieved, I didn't expect that reaction at all. I think you're spot on, though. It may be years from now, but he will find a new AP. Edited November 14, 2009 by baddogbad
fooled once Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Good for you for realizing this was not something you wanted to continue. Glad it ended well and that both of you are professional about it. I guess it really was just an affair - nothing more, nothing less. Glad you didn't get too invested emotionally!
Author baddogbad Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 An update... If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. This break was too easy. The past couple of weeks went so well. Work was not awkward. We would talk daily and although the frequency was a bit strange, nothing in our conversations were inappropriate or suggestive so I didn't feel I was warranted in dropping him and rocking the boat. Yes, I admittedly was still attracted to him--he is a witty, handsome man. But I was working on it and even went out on a date and was actively seeking others. We both were acting like before, like the affair and sex never happened. We had such a great, truly platonic friendship for the first year and a half of knowing each other. Maybe it was possible we went back there again? No. He was working late Saturday night and I was working from home on the same project. He messaged me and we began to talk. Small talk, mostly. Then began to discuss more personal things--how he hates his job, is tired, so on. After listening, we started to crack a few jokes to lighten each other up. Then came the flirting. Then came the outright dirty talk...dumbfounded, I made an excuse and signed off. Even though I didn't want to. I haven't seen him since (work schedule difference). I'm still digesting all of this, all the emotions coming back--a bit different, though, with some anger and disappointment at myself and him. I know right now his life is very stressful between the hours he is working and at home (not with wife, but kid issues). No excuse, but could that have spurred this on? Or did he just not believe me when I told him I'm done? If he really wanted this to go on, why was his reaction to its ending so nonchalant? I now know the meaning of don't sh** where you eat--how do you go NC with someone you work with? Thats just the tip of the iceberg. I'm trying to wrap my brain around this still.
Recommended Posts