toofar Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I had prepared a long message but somehow deleted it. I'm having immense problems understanding how s/o has cut me out of their life. We were together 5 years. Co habiting for 4 (apartment will have to be sold). All my memories are..us. Ex must be in same boat. A few weeks ago, the bombshell was dropped. The reason, completely unfounded to me - we just weren't working anymore. This makes no sense..purely because of s/o actions in the prior months. I made all the standard mistakes, because I didn't know of this site. Pleading. Lots of it. After all, my life was just about to go down the pan. Gradually, I contacted less. All the while, i would get responses, but they would be angry/impersonal/short. I don't really know if there is a question in here. I suppose I'm venting, but even after gaining some perspective through time, im still sitting here saying WTF? How have swept five years under the rug? You appear senseless. You don't seem to care at all. You haven't contacted me once. WTF? why? what happened. Even if somehow someone else entered your life - why do I now represent nothing. Why are YOU being cold? What did I do? I should be cold. Why do you refuse to acknowledge my questions or what I have said? Why do you refuse to look at your behaviour and dismiss me - citing that I must just accept it. AHHHHH. wtf
nobleguy Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I have no answers to your questions I'm afraid. There are always reasons for a break up but it often takes time to find them, if you are lucky enough to find them at all. Sorry to hear you are going through this. Keep posting with more info, more vents, more questions. There are very good people to supoport you here.
mickleb Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I have no answers to your questions I'm afraid. There are always reasons for a break up but it often takes time to find them, if you are lucky enough to find them at all. Sorry to hear you are going through this. Keep posting with more info, more vents, more questions. There are very good people to supoport you here. Ditto. Feel for you, toofar. x
Author toofar Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 thanks for your responses it doesn't make sense. How, in the space of 8 weeks do you go from saying you can't imagine your life without that person in it .. and loving them more than could ever be explained.. to not loving at all. I'm not just remembering distorted things... I quote. You know, I couldn't make this stuff up. I couldn't imagine saying these things, unprompted, to my long term partner if I didn't mean it. I didn't ask to hear these things.. they were inflicted on me. I say inflicted because now it's all I have, words, cards, texts, emails... and I just keep milling it over and it simply makes no sense. Yet, if I question any of it, it's met with coldness and anger.. no explanation, only dismissal. Just deal with it seems to be phrase of the week. I wish I could step into exs mind and see how they feel. Understand why they have shut down and how they can present such a cold impenetrable front
mickleb Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Have you read 'He's Scared, She's Scared'? It *might* shed some light. I can understand why you have so many questions. x
Gucci Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 i cant tell you how he could just break up with you after 5 years together, there are too many possibilities...mine broke up with me after almost 4 yrs (however its a bit on the side of a mutual break up) but i do have some comment on the he doesnt care enought to call you not even once.. i think deep down he misses you but whats the point to tell you about it? maybe he choose not to express it so it wouldnt lead you on...and maybe he thought a clean break would do best for the both of you...you know..maybe he couldnt handle talking to you because he still has feelings for you im sure he knows how much pain you are in...and like i say the cleaner the break up is...the better chance you would move on faster..for him too? in my situation...he want to be friends with me...i told him i cant be friends with him while i still have feelings for him..yet he keeps calling and texting..saying he misses me and wish things could be simple like we first started to date....but i think thats very selfish of him to express those feelings...it keeps me hanging..i ignored most of them..and now in total NC..he doesnt call or text anymore...maybe he accepted that its better this way too... i think both of us have this urge to get back together but i have no hope that it would ever work out, at least for the next few years...so it is really really sad and depressed for me because we cant even work on it and to have a chance..so its best that we just end all contact and get on with our life and start to heal.. i wonder when i will get over him...its been 1.5 month now...i went from a living corpse to i thought i was feeling better...but now again i feel so depressed why i cant just get what i want (which is to be with him happily)...so it like a roller coaster ride..really wish everything will pass soon..feel like im just getting through the days..but not living it sorry i ended up venting about my own problem. but i hope you will feel better soon...its better you start to heal now.. wait till he come back to your himself (but dont just wait for him start to try to get over him now if he doesnt come back...you are that much closer to moving on) and if he really does come back...if you think you can work things out..then try again... but to be truthful...i think if one person walked out...he could do that again...and i wouldnt be able to trust him like i did before...the environment of the relationship would be different... try to be happy...i really hope you will feel better soon
Gucci Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 forgot to mention this.. after we broke up...only in the begining..i couldnt help but to tell my ex that i miss him througg text.. now i learn to control myself...even i have an intensive urge of wanting to express my feeling...i hold it in..coz...really no point to tell the other person...it would just make things that much harder.. so i thought maybe your ex is doing what i am doing? gosh..i miss him terribly...
Author toofar Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 thank you for the name of that book mikleb. I will try to pick that up. Anything to help get off this merry go round. gucci, your situation sounds very sad. It's a shame we don't have a magic wand. You have given me a different perspective. It's almost as if s/o has put nc in place. I see that this may help to get over someone quicker. I can't help but think I am making the process easier on the ex. This is not what I want.. I have expressed that though. It's strange that we can be in such different places suddenly. I never saw this happening. Even now I can't believe it. There are practicalities that need sorting though. Apartment must be sold etc. How does that happen? s/o has mentioned this several times but not actively done anything. I don't understand this either. I worry that I spend too much time looking at this site. it seems to be the only thing that provides comfort. I just can't get a grasp on any of this
LostInLA Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 My ex broke up with me after 10 years and it was similar...it was like...what happened overnight??? Seems that way...but it's possible your ex felt that way for a while but couldn't muster up the courage right away... Anyways, I've been on the other end of this, after a 3 year relationship in my early 20s and I was very immature about it at the time and completely cut off all contact with the guy I broke up with just because I felt waaay too guilty AND I didn't want him to get any ideas that we were ever going to get back together because I simply fell out of love with him. I still feel bad about how I handled it to this day. So it's possible your ex might feel too guilty to even face you. Just a thought.
ADF Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 There has to be more to this than your ex is telling you. Saying that it just isn't working anymore is nonsense. That's like saying, "I need space" or "It's not you, it's me." Bull! She's hiding something. Never underestimate the lengths people will go to in order to avoid telling a difficult truth.
Bobbe Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 My ex broke up with me after 10 years and it was similar...it was like...what happened overnight??? Seems that way...but it's possible your ex felt that way for a while but couldn't muster up the courage right away... Anyways, I've been on the other end of this, after a 3 year relationship in my early 20s and I was very immature about it at the time and completely cut off all contact with the guy I broke up with just because I felt waaay too guilty AND I didn't want him to get any ideas that we were ever going to get back together because I simply fell out of love with him. I still feel bad about how I handled it to this day. So it's possible your ex might feel too guilty to even face you. Just a thought. My ex did the same thing, still does.. I had the change to talk to her once, she said she was so cold and ignoring me because she didn't want me to think there to be a change at getting back together. Also, she just can't cope with it right now. The dumpee is not the only one who has some processing to do. So OP, I suggest you give the both of you time & space. You can talk about it when both of you are less emotional.
soheartbroken Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Same boat Toofar. 5 years down the the drain. Not a peep from her in 3 months. Along the lines of what Bobbe was saying, although I'm not in my ex's head, I think part of the reason for her silence is not wanting to give me any hope. I find this patronizing and cowardly. I don't need her to do what she thinks is best for me.
wondering_girl Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 hi too far, i just wanted to let you know i'm in the same boat as you as well, im sorry we're all going through this, i feel like crap and i hated that he made me question my self-being and what was wrong with me when he did this..... ya know, for me - it was 4 yrs, and just like everyone here i guess, all i got is his silence. we had a petty argument then he shut me off for two months then apologize then wants space... i'm sorry i can't say any advice but all i can say is that we're all here for you, i wish i have the answers for all of us but i don't. *HUGS************
Author toofar Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 I know that there are far worse things happening in the world, but it's pretty sickening to think that so many of us are being treated so cruelly.. probably by the one person you expected it least. I see what you're saying.. guilt/not wanting to give hope. I think part of the problem here is that this whole 180 which just leaves us in confusion.. and this ability to cut out the s/o multiplies the situation. Yes, if there was someone else we'd be distraught.. but it would make some sense of their actions. The dumpers sing this tune thinking they are doing us a favour by not contacting. Rubbish. I find myself feeling the whole relationship has been devalued.. what, we aren't worth a text? It's strange.. I'm almost jealous of those who have been dumped and are still getting a regular call.. I guess then I would feel like I was still in their mind- even if for the wrong reasons. I feel like s/o may have tried to cause such a wreck that there is simply no way of going back. But still.. how do you deal with the practicalities? would make more sense to do this when you have nothing else to sort. I noticed ex returned to get mail.. clearly deliberately opened a package of mine.. this again seems weird.
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