JolliX Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 For me one of the more tough parts of breaking up/being dumped is losing any connections and friends that you've made because of the relationship. First of all, there is losing any friendship you had with the ex (which hurts quite a bit), but to move on that is something that I've accepted. So what I'm finding now is that it really sucks to lose any other friends that I've made through the ex (i.e. friends of the ex that I became good friends with). With how ****ty the break up went, I thought for sure that all the friends I made through her would never talk with me again, and normally, I would have just given up on talking with them. This time, I decided to try to stay in contact with the people I met through her that I actually considered friends (and not just people that I communicated with because of her). I started with the person I thought least likely to hate me due to the break up. I IMed him, BSed for a long while, and he seemed perfectly fine with me. Several days of typical friend BS, and I finally had to ask him if he knew that me and my ex were no longer together. "I had no idea" was his reply. I told him I didn't want him not knowing that, and then one day not to talk to me, he just laughed and said that he hadn't even heard from my ex in weeks (odd, b/c this guy was one of her better friends that hung out with us all the time when we were together). That's all I mentioned of the break up to him, and he hasn't asked anything, and we still seem to be really good friends (going out drinking some time soon too ,etc.). I decided to try another person that I got along with really well. I wasn't as close of friends with him, but I genuinely got along with him. He talks to me, and seems to have no issue with it. I have no idea if he really even knew that me and the ex dated (one of her weird issues of "privacy" that dorve me isane, and lead to arguements, but nevermind that), so I never bothered to ask him if he knew we broke up. I figured if she told him, then fine, if not, then cool b/c it would be easier to keep him as a friend. The third person I contacted tongiht. He was a fellow geek that played a ton of games that I played, so we'd BS about them all the time. He responded, very short responses at first. He has a shorter temper and is very defensive of his friends, and he's refered to my ex as his second sister before, so I was almost positive that he was about to go off on me. Nope, he didn' go off, he just seemed distracted (CoD MW2 ended up being what he was doing). The guy is actually going to meet up with some of us to play some games too. So now comes more confusion added to the mix. With as pissed as she has been at me, combined with the fact that she dumped me and such a ****ty way and went off on me when I tried to talk with he in person, why are these friends of hers still talking to me? Almost every time I've been through a breakup (well a bad one), the friends I have made through an ex have always gotten her side of the story and have hated me. If they got the story I assume that she's giving out, why would they talk to me? Or why would she not be telling her friends that we're broke up? First thing I did was tell my friends, so 1)they wouldn't ask me questions about how she was doing, 2)contact her about stuff, 3)find out on their own and act as bull headed friends and give her additional ****. I'm just very confused about all this. Very glad these three friends still talk to me, but very confused.
teanoranges Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Sometimes people can be grown-ups and respect a break-up. Though, if no one knows the story later it could change? BUT I find that people are willing to have their own opinions of people and usually are fine with talking as long as you're not obsessively talking about your ex and trying to ask what she's up to. I still talk to people that know my ex, though not as much because of the distance. I think it also helps that these friends of his are super-close.
Author JolliX Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Past asking the one guy if he knew me and her broke up, I haven't mentinoed the ex, the relationship, or asked about her at all. After today, I don't want to know anymore about what she is doing anyhow.
Ronni_W Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 It sounds as if you are dealing with people who are intelligent / logical / rational / mature / confident enough to trust their own assessments of other people, and to be able to separate individuals from their relationships and relationship issues. It would probably be a safe bet to assume that these three guys (and perhaps others as well) have grown to know and like you for you, and were not just tolerating you because you were dating their friend. If they got the story I assume that she's giving out, why would they talk to me? Because they like you. AND. Just because she is their friend does not mean that they don't also know her flaws, weaknesses and "shadow/dark" side. Even if she is telling whatever horrible stories about you, does not mean that all her friends are gullible enough to just swallow it without question or applying what they know about her AND the person of whom she is speaking. Go ye now in clarity, and just nurture and enjoy these friendships. (Cos if you keep being confused by them and questioning them, your own lack of trust and confidence in yourself and the friendships will surely sabotage them.)
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