jjhart Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 My girlfriend of 1 year broke it off with me and said we were going in different directions. It was weird. I talked to her once about 10pm and she called me back 2 hours later telling me she couldnt sleep, then she broke it off. She asked if i wanted to come over and talk about it. I yelled at her and said no, there wasnt a goddamn thing to talk about. I am really feeling lost. In the weeks after the breakup, i really was getting eaten alive, no sleep, no food, beating myself up over what went wrong, and a misguided idea, that I really needed to tell her how i felt about her. Literally, i had plans to surprise her the next day, and really tell her how i felt about her. A year is a long time, we had been on again off again at first, but I figured out basically the week before that she was the one for me. So i broke a rule. i called her, told her i had to get some things off my chest. I told her how i felt about her, how i cared for her, and then the conversation descended into me asking what the hell happened. Her reasons went from going in different directions, to saying she didnt know what she wants. The last reason struck a nerve. After a year, she knows me, knows what i am about, who i am and what i stand for. A girl gives you that excuse after a year, I believe she was interested in another guy, and broke it off with me to date him. Our phone conversation became me being pissed off and her apologizing for hurting me. She said, "well i am glad you called, i will call you in a couple of days ok?" She hasnt called, i want to talk to her so bad right now, i cant stand it. Right now i love her and hate her at the same time. If she calls, i dont think i can resist picking up the phone. The "I dont know what i want" excuse is driving me insane, and killing my confidence. I am trying to move on, trying to remember that this wasnt all my fault, and trying not to think about her. I dont know what else to do.
Ronni_W Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I'm sorry that you're hurting. saying she didnt know what she wants ... she knows me, knows what i am about, who i am and what i stand for. She did not say that she doesn't know YOU, or what YOU are about, or who YOU are, or what YOU stand for. "*I* don't know what *I* want" is about *ME*. It's her wondering if she knows HERSELF, and what SHE is about, and who SHE is, and what SHE stands for. Once she figures out all that stuff about herself, if you still want to be part of her life, you would actually be wiser to try to offer some understanding and support through her SELF-discovery. I know that is very difficult when one is angry and hurting, though. So, you could also try to work through those feelings of yours first and then see how you feel about being able to offer her something...well, more inspiring than your anger and hate and low self-confidence. Sending hugs, and healing.
ADF Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 My girlfriend of 1 year broke it off with me and said we were going in different directions. It was weird. I talked to her once about 10pm and she called me back 2 hours later telling me she couldnt sleep, then she broke it off. She asked if i wanted to come over and talk about it. I yelled at her and said no, there wasnt a goddamn thing to talk about. I am really feeling lost. In the weeks after the breakup, i really was getting eaten alive, no sleep, no food, beating myself up over what went wrong, and a misguided idea, that I really needed to tell her how i felt about her. Literally, i had plans to surprise her the next day, and really tell her how i felt about her. A year is a long time, we had been on again off again at first, but I figured out basically the week before that she was the one for me. So i broke a rule. i called her, told her i had to get some things off my chest. I told her how i felt about her, how i cared for her, and then the conversation descended into me asking what the hell happened. Her reasons went from going in different directions, to saying she didnt know what she wants. The last reason struck a nerve. After a year, she knows me, knows what i am about, who i am and what i stand for. A girl gives you that excuse after a year, I believe she was interested in another guy, and broke it off with me to date him. Our phone conversation became me being pissed off and her apologizing for hurting me. She said, "well i am glad you called, i will call you in a couple of days ok?" She hasnt called, i want to talk to her so bad right now, i cant stand it. Right now i love her and hate her at the same time. If she calls, i dont think i can resist picking up the phone. The "I dont know what i want" excuse is driving me insane, and killing my confidence. I am trying to move on, trying to remember that this wasnt all my fault, and trying not to think about her. I dont know what else to do. Statements like "we're going in different directions" and "I don't know what I want" are just smoke and mirrors. 9 times out of 10, it means the person has met someone else but doesn't want to come out and say so. It never ceases to amaze or depress me the lengths people will go to to spare themselves a difficult conversation. I wouldn't contact this woman again. It sounds like you are over, and keeping in contact will just be a torment to you.
Author jjhart Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 Ronni, i really hope thats true. But i dont think its a voyage of self discovery for her. I am reminded of the phrase "Girls dont jump ship, until there is another ship to jump to". ADF, that was my first reaction, because i thought it was smoke and mirrors as well. Either way, i need to move on. Worst part is, whatever the reason she told me, i would have probably had the same reaction. wish it was the truth, and i hope it was the truth what she told me. but i am doubting that. Cant help being angry, i cared about her.
guuunot Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 dont worry brother, gotta take it one step at a time, im goin through the samething as you. and i know its tough. . . . verrrry tough. but its reality and you just gotta face up to it. its what i always tell myself.
Ronni_W Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 jj, The thing is, sometimes it's okay to just believe what people tell us about themselves. Anger is one of the stages of grieving, so it's not unnatural to be feeling that way. But underlying anger is sadness. It would be okay to get in touch with your sadness, too. When you're ready, and not for anyone other than yourself...it is part of the healing/recovery process. Also, of course, that you definitely do have the power to change the way you feel. It's not easy without having the skills and practice, but it's still within your own power and control to learn how, and to master, your own emotions. In my experience, there are more than enough boys who also don't jump ship until they have another ship to jump to. But. I don't particularly like to think of people as "ships" -- I mean, if she's just a ship, and her next guy is just a ship...then that makes you a ship, too. And your next girl. And me, and my current, and my next, ad nauseaum infinitum. What is the point of thinking like that? Like I said before, I know it's tough sledding at this point. Wishing you brighter days ahead.
Author jjhart Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 Thanks for the input everyone, i needed feedback like this to get moving on. Thank you.
Space Ritual Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Just do yourself a favor, JJ. Delete her from your life, and the sooner the better. Block her email address, delete her phone number form your phone and block the number form calling you. If you are on a social site like FB or Myspace and she is there, block her from viewing your page. and whatever you do DO NOT VISIT HER PAGE. There will always be something in light of the recent breakup that will tear you apart, like a comment from a mutual friend or another guy. Or if she posts a pic of her out having fun with some guys arm around her. Many a NC has been broken over a social site post, so don't even go there if you don't have too. Otherwise you will be waiting for Mafia Wars to pop up and you will find yourself going over to her page and getting angry. I know its hard and difficult to accomplish, but it is possible to do. I am living proof of it. I received that advice two years ago and I can safely say I'm happier now than Ive ever been. So once again the only way to make the pain go away faster is to make her INSIGNIFICANT TO YOUR HAPPINESS, Sure there will be times you will think about her, but if you delete her form your life they will get less frequent and at a faster rate.
Author jjhart Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Thats solid advice, unfortunately, i already saw her facebook page and yeah, i found stuff to upset me. I deleted it, nontheless, there was stuff on there, even one post day before we broke up that ticked me off a little. I deleted her.
adamt Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 If someone was really into you they wouldnt be confused about what they want. the reasons they use are just lip service. its their actions after breaking up that tells the story. you will just have to accept that you will not get the answers you want. even if you get answers you will have more questions. just have to keep NC and let time begin to help you to let go
Author jjhart Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 Trying to do exactly that. Tough to get her out of my head. just cant believe someone can suddenly turn off the feeling like that, unless they were never there. Getting over this woman has been harder than any other before. Fought the urge to drive past her place today.
BCCA Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Trying to do exactly that. Tough to get her out of my head. just cant believe someone can suddenly turn off the feeling like that, unless they were never there. Getting over this woman has been harder than any other before. Fought the urge to drive past her place today. I can certainly sympathyze; the girl I was with for about 5 years said pretty much the same crap, she just wanted to be alone, didnt know what she wanted, blah blah blah...its totally BS. Most people just arent going to be honest during a break. At that point, they care very little about whether you believe them or like what they had to say, so they just say what it takes to end things, and run away. I know how badly it sucks to get a half assed excuse for the split, but like my dad told me when it happened to me - thats all the effort she felt like making for you. Just stay away from her, stay NC, and work on making yourself happy. You'll be fine.
adamt Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 (edited) Trying to do exactly that. Tough to get her out of my head. just cant believe someone can suddenly turn off the feeling like that, unless they were never there. Getting over this woman has been harder than any other before. Fought the urge to drive past her place today. It will have been gradual over time. it wont have been an instant decision. the chances are she will have been thinking about it for a while, possibly not got the courage to breakup and hoping the spark came back. Staying NC will help clear your head and you will reflect on the relationship better and possibly see warnign signs she was starting to check out of the relationship. only time it is sudden is if there is someone else or you have a big arguement, I still cant get my head around how my ex was wanting to get a house together. how i was her best ever boyfriend(she is 36) then 3 months later she split up with me.she said we had very little incommon. so how did we last 3 years then? for months i had so many questions wizzing around my head constantly. Keeping NC allowed me to keep it all at the back of my mind. I remained in NC for 5 months then bumped into her. had a catch up chat then for the next week she was back in my head again. now i am ok again. trying to move on and actively dating other women. nothing serious just hoping someone comes along who pushes my buttons. I cant emphasise enough how important staying in NC is. Work on yourself. you will hit rock bottom but then you can begin to rebuild yourself. My way out was goign to the gym. i lost 20lbs and now in good shape for a 38 year old. people notice. I get interest from younger women. which boosts my ego Edited November 17, 2009 by adamt
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