leap83 Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I don't even know why this is the case. For the past couple of weeks, I've been doing great and in all honesty, I believe that I've gone a far way since joining these forums. But here's my thought process right now. When you go through a break-up, you'd think that the other person couldn't care less about you. You also believe that they will never change and that you'll find someone 100 times better - at least I believed all of that. This is the FIRST time in my entire life that I've actually been caught off guard - where this other person is ACTUALLY doing something to improve their life, ACTUALLY working on themselves, ACTUALLY doing what they said they would do. What makes it worse is the fact that in one way or another I brought about these changes - ie. this person did not believe that much in volunteering when we met (he believed that it's better to work and earn money) but now he's all out in terms of volunteering (something I've done for a long while and I actually go all out too - find causes I'm passionate about -well, he did the exact thing too). Not only that - he actually cares - about me, himself, issues he has.... Oy. I'm not wondering. It's hard not to notice these things. And frankly, now that I've started to notice them, I want to see how far he's willing to go. But I can't help that I feel odd. I can't really explain it, because my thought process is going way backwards now. It's not a bad thing necessarily. But it really makes me wonder... *sigh*
GrayClouds Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I don't even know why this is the case. For the past couple of weeks, I've been doing great and in all honesty, I believe that I've gone a far way since joining these forums. But here's my thought process right now. When you go through a break-up, you'd think that the other person couldn't care less about you. You also believe that they will never change and that you'll find someone 100 times better - at least I believed all of that. This is the FIRST time in my entire life that I've actually been caught off guard - where this other person is ACTUALLY doing something to improve their life, ACTUALLY working on themselves, ACTUALLY doing what they said they would do. What makes it worse is the fact that in one way or another I brought about these changes - ie. this person did not believe that much in volunteering when we met (he believed that it's better to work and earn money) but now he's all out in terms of volunteering (something I've done for a long while and I actually go all out too - find causes I'm passionate about -well, he did the exact thing too). Not only that - he actually cares - about me, himself, issues he has.... Oy. I'm not wondering. It's hard not to notice these things. And frankly, now that I've started to notice them, I want to see how far he's willing to go. But I can't help that I feel odd. I can't really explain it, because my thought process is going way backwards now. It's not a bad thing necessarily. But it really makes me wonder... *sigh* Leap even from the start one of your strengths was the ablity to distill things down to absolutes. Your sere able to make the decission ithe relationship was over and that was it. He gets not second chance. That mind set was helpful to get your started healing, I think what your experiencing now is a certain realization that sometimes life does not always fall into those absolutes. There can gray between the black and white. That the thing about break up they can teach us things about life that is total unexpected and seemingly unrelated. Maybe the odd feeling is the fact you are gaining some new found wisdom. It may makes things a bit more difficult but I suspect much richer.
Author leap83 Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 Leap even from the start one of your strengths was the ablity to distill things down to absolutes. Your sere able to make the decission ithe relationship was over and that was it. He gets not second chance. That mind set was helpful to get your started healing, I think what your experiencing now is a certain realization that sometimes life does not always fall into those absolutes. There can gray between the black and white. That the thing about break up they can teach us things about life that is total unexpected and seemingly unrelated. Maybe the odd feeling is the fact you are gaining some new found wisdom. It may makes things a bit more difficult but I suspect much richer. Yeah. I know what you're saying. And I have always stood by "no second chance" rule. However, now, I'm starting to feel differently about it. He's been pretty consistent with his actions - it's not like a one week thing; he's been keeping it up for 2 months now - and he's changing (slowly but surely). I'm against trying to change someone. That's why I'm not with him - because if he stayed the way he was, our relationship just wouldn't last (and if I were the same too, it would crumble so we both had something to do with it). However, both of us decided to change ourselves - because we both realized we needed to change our approaches and thoughts (not because of us or our relationship). And now, that I'm witnessing him changing, witnessing what he's doing, the person he's becoming - the second chance keeps popping in my head over and over again. I didn't hope for it before but today, for some odd reason, the hope was re-born. As I said, it's not a bad thing necessarily.... Just an odd thing.
Author leap83 Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 I forgot to mention that it is scaring me and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything.
GrayClouds Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I was referring to more then just your stance on the relationship, no matter what does or does not happen there. I think is some ways a long time core belief is being challenged. And that can be scary and overwhelming. If things are not just yes or no, black or white that makes life much more complicated and confusing. But once you embrace this new reality it also allows you more freedom and possibilities.
mickleb Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I think this is why I was worried about you earlier, leap. Because I know that, if I knew my ex had been really trying hard to improve himself, it would have completely scuppered my healing. I was forgiving his actions until I decided (for myself) that he was absolutely not doing anything of the sort (he may well be - I have no idea). That day, I got angry and I stayed there for a while, as it helped me move. And I knew I had to. Because the basic fact remained - he had gone. He screwed over all the trust we had because he didn't know what else to do, basically. Your ex didn't mean to (presumeably) but he has hurt you very deeply. You have to continue to move with your own life, away from this event. It will take him a long time to do the same. It is possible that once he has made significant changes in his life and you are in a different place (emotionally, completely) that you'll reconnect and be able to forgive and forget and try again (if you want). If you don't break away from each other (IMHO) you are putting off COMPLETELY dealing with the damage done. He is and you are. (That's how I see it.) I hope this makes sense and is of some use to you. x
Author leap83 Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 I think this is why I was worried about you earlier, leap. Because I know that, if I knew my ex had been really trying hard to improve himself, it would have completely scuppered my healing. Yes. It would. I really didn't think he was going to go out there and start working on himself. He's a very ambitious/determined man, so I don't know why I thought he wouldn't do anything. What makes it worse is the fact that he's taking all of my advice - indirectly, this makes me feel very happy (it means he was listening to me and I wasn't just talking to the walls, which I thought I was at the time.) He's also reading the book I've given him - otherwise half of the things wouldn't make one bit of sense. I was forgiving his actions until I decided (for myself) that he was absolutely not doing anything of the sort (he may well be - I have no idea). That day, I got angry and I stayed there for a while, as it helped me move. And I knew I had to. Because the basic fact remained - he had gone. He screwed over all the trust we had because he didn't know what else to do, basically. I'm sorry that you went through this. To be quite honest, this guy has been nothing but honest with me. At the time, I didn't see that because of my own insecurities but now everything is much clearer. He was honest. And now I think if I just listened to him at the time when he was telling me that he needs to get himself into order this whole thing would be much easier to handle. If I trusted him, this would have been quite easy. Now I trust him. Your ex didn't mean to (presumeably) but he has hurt you very deeply. You have to continue to move with your own life, away from this event. He has hurt me - yes. But not deeply. It was a very superficial wound. At first, I thought it dug deep, because I didn't trust him, I thought he was being dumb, leaving me to go and be with someone else, etc. All of these thoughts (negative) hurt me. I hurt myself for not trusting him. And I didn't trust him because of my past insecurities. When I look at us now and how much we've both grown in the past couple of months, it amazes me. It will take him a long time to do the same. It is possible that once he has made significant changes in his life and you are in a different place (emotionally, completely) that you'll reconnect and be able to forgive and forget and try again (if you want). If you don't break away from each other (IMHO) you are putting off COMPLETELY dealing with the damage done. He is and you are. (That's how I see it.) What scares me, mickelb, is the fact that we're already reconnecting. All of the volunteering is putting us back together. I've already forgiven him. I don't hold a grudge at all. I forgot half of the things he said at the time we were together. Now I concentrate more on the good things, rather than the bad. His problem was commitment - now, he's fixing that and committing to different tasks. He's shown a progression in the right direction. If I saw him now, I wouldn't feel angry at all or hurt. I would be in complete peace, which is really odd and new to me. I believe he's dealing with his life right now. He shouldn't be thinking about us. Maybe he is, maybe he's not. I believe he is thinking of me and very happy to hear from me, but is not sure yet how I feel and right now is not the time to discuss that but focus on HIMSELF. I hope this makes sense and is of some use to you. x It does make sense. Read the comments above. In the end, this whole process of him dealing with his issues is going to take more than a couple of months. I'm expecting that he's going to be working on himself for at least another 6 months. However, there is a great possibility we can reconnect on some level at the end of this year and become close again (not in a relationship). Hope is not good. That's what people have been saying. But now I see the light at the end of the tunnel. All I can say is this: I'm impressed by the work he's done. I'm impressed by his actions. I thought I would never be able to say that. But here I am.... Saying it loudly.
Author leap83 Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 I forgot to mention: I hope that when he's done working on himself, he doesn't forget about me. As pathetic as that sounds.....
GrayClouds Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 leap, It does not sound pathetic, it sounds caring. For yourself, for the love that you put into the relationship, and for him. No matter how much any of us heal, there will be very few that does not have that thought in the back of our minds.
Author leap83 Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 leap, It does not sound pathetic, it sounds caring. For yourself, for the love that you put into the relationship, and for him. No matter how much any of us heal, there will be very few that does not have that thought in the back of our minds. That is very true GC. I'll take it one step at a time. I believe we're on the right path to building back either a friendship or potentially a relationship. But I don't want to think about the future but focus at this particular moment. All I know right now is that he's working on himself and his issues. I know that he still feels sometimes lonely and that his feelings boomerang. I know that he's been boding with his friends and family. I also know that he cares about me (since he replies to my e-mails and is there for me whenever I need him). So, we'll go from here. I feel like a part of me has been awakened. It's an incredible feeling of confusion and happiness.
mickleb Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I'm (kind of) glad you have admitted to considering the possibility of being in a relationship with him, again. Not because I think you should be (I have no idea, really) but because this seemed to be what you were fighting in this thread. I think you have the right attitude - live in the now. None of us know what the future will bring we do have the power to make choices that are as informed as possible. Continue to work on yourself (this thread is evidence that you are doing this), dealing with how you feel about CP. Know your behaviours / triggers / unhealthy responses and then, if the situation ever presents itself, you will feel more confident dealing with it. I want to just repeat, though, that your friendship with him and analysis of his progress COULD be a way of holding onto something that is unhealthy for YOU. It could be difficult for you to commit to someone else (one day) if he is in the picture. Hoep you're feeling stronger today. x
Author leap83 Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Well, I'm not necessarily friends with him as I'm being "friendly." There is a fine line between being friendzoned and having the potential to possibly build a relationship with him, so I'm being very cautious. I do want us to work out - probably more so as a couple than as friends. This is the thing: I have never done something like this. And I don't know how to do it. So, I'm going to post another thread. Hopefully some people have been in the same situation and can give me some guidance. It is VERY detrimental that I get this guidance now because the last thing I want is to ruin this relationship (I have this tendency to sabotage stuff that is good in my life). I'll post the thread in second chances. I'm going to need support for the next couple of months.
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