dzzz Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 How often would you and your AP meet up? Also were you ever intimate with your spouse and AP on the same day? When i found out about my W affair i asked these same questions and she claims they would meet every other week and that she would never have sex with both of us on the same day the thing is im having a hard time believing her because as you can imagine i no longer trust her. when confronted were you honest or did you lie?
mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 we were intimate whenever the opportunity was available. i had a strict rule about never on the same day (although i dont see why it mattered so much to me). and yes, i was very honest with H about it.
Heather1 Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 we don't get a chance to see each other that much, so pretty much every 3 months but talked or emailed every day. The same day? Do you really want to know those kind of details from your W? If she's not telling you the truth about that, it's to protect you from further hurt. It happened, you both probably agreed to NC of OM, and you want to work on your M. Further details will really not make things better.
lovekillsslowly Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 How often would you and your AP meet up? Our affair lasted 10 months and we would meet almost every day Monday thru Friday even if it was only for 5 minutes to just see each other, hug each other and talk. He called me several times throughout the day also. Also were you ever intimate with your spouse and AP on the same day? No. Never. When i found out about my W affair i asked these same questions and she claims they would meet every other week and that she would never have sex with both of us on the same day the thing is im having a hard time believing her because as you can imagine i no longer trust her. when confronted were you honest or did you lie? I never had to deal with the outcome of a confrontation because my H and his W never found out about our affair.
Author dzzz Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 i asked my wife these questions because i need to know whether or not she had at least enough respect to hold out on sex with me after she had been with OM had i known i would of never agreed to sloppy seconds. also by withholding important details to save me the hurt would not benefit either of us because she would then only be lying to me again which is what were are trying to avoid. the damage has already been done and for once i just want the truth no matter how painful. why would i ask a question that i wouldn't want answered?
skylarblue Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 How often would you and your AP meet up? MM and I usually meet 3d/wk, always the same days, same times. It’s not easy for him to get out so it’s usually when he’s “working”. Whenever he can get out beyond that we’ll hook up, but that’s not often. Also were you ever intimate with your spouse and AP on the same day?... when confronted were you honest or did you lie? When I started seeing MM I had a bf. Rarely did I sleep with him on the same day if I had slept with MM first. Not that I felt bad, but I thought my bf may know something because he had asked if I was cheating on him before. I said no. But I never slept with my MM on a day that I slept with my bf first. Or if I knew I was going to see MM, I wouldn’t sleep with my bf the day before either. I felt like I wanted to “save” myself for MM. Near the end of R with bf I stopped sleeping with him totally.
bentnotbroken Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 OP, these questions can only be answered by your wife. I know you want to know, but the truth is you can get general answers, but they won't be the answers you seek. If she isn't forth coming with you, then maybe you have to decide what you can live with and what you can't.
Heather1 Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Good point....we wouldn't know. You're both going through hell. I'm sure you want all the answers. Do you still love her? The questions should be more what caused her to do this in the first place. It's usually not about the OM. For me, it was this or a nervous breakdown & a divorce. I don't feel that way now.
Fallen Angel Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 (edited) How often would you and your AP meet up?? As often as possible, sometimes because of his work it is weeks in between, but generally he spends 2-5 nights a week at my house. Then is gone for a week or two working elsewhere, then back to my place. Even when he isn't in my town, he will drive down to be with me for a few hours. We speak on the phone and/or by instant message numerous times everyday. I would say we average three hours of phone time a day, even on days he is staying the night with me. If you are asking how often we have sex, it is NOT everytime we are together, in fact, I would say less than half, maybe a third of the time. Also were you ever intimate with your spouse and AP on the same day? This one does not apply to me, as I left my marriage several months before I was intimate with My MM. When i found out about my W affair i asked these same questions and she claims they would meet every other week and that she would never have sex with both of us on the same day the thing is im having a hard time believing her because as you can imagine i no longer trust her. when confronted were you honest or did you lie? When I left my marriage my now xH asked me if I had been intimate with My MM. I told him the truth, I had not. When my xH asked me again after several months had passed and I had been, I also told the truth, I had. Would I have told the truth if I was still in my M when I was intimate with My MM? NO, but I was in an abusive marriage and honesty would have gotten me hurt. But I am not a liar by nature, nor a cheater, hence waiting several months AFTER my separation to commence a PA with anyone. Edited November 14, 2009 by Fallen Angel
jj33 Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Fallen - that is a lot of time. How does he spend 3hrs per day on the phone with you when hes working and at your house at night? Doesnt he have to work?
hopeless4u Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 We see each other every day, we work together in the day and he comes to mine every night after work until about 7ish and tells his W he's working late, he also works away and stays at mine when she thinks he's in a hotel. He phones and txt's all the time when we can't see each other. I know this may surprise you but the sex isn't as often as people may think, in my case its about being close, snuggling up and trying to make the time we have together as 'normal' as possible. As for the same day, I am single so that doesn't apply to me but my MM tells me he hasn't slept with his W for over 18 months(how true this is I don't know) but I try not to think about that!!
Lizzie60 Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 How often would you and your AP meet up? Also were you ever intimate with your spouse and AP on the same day? When i found out about my W affair i asked these same questions and she claims they would meet every other week and that she would never have sex with both of us on the same day the thing is im having a hard time believing her because as you can imagine i no longer trust her. when confronted were you honest or did you lie? I have not read the whole thread... but to answer your question.. chances are she will NOT tell the whole truth... because she doesn't want to hurt you even more than you're hurting right now.. Don't ask any more questions.. move on... if you decide to forgive her.. then leave her alone, don't put her into 'defense mode' or she'll feel constraigned (sp) to lie... I never cheated on my partners so that would not apply to me.. but I've had more than one MMs on the same day. (one in the afternoon and one in the evening).. would I lie about it.. if they ask me.. yes. In my case, I see it as 'it's none of their business' I don't ask them when they had sex with their W.. Don't torture yourself with this.. move on and be happy.. life is too short.
Fallen Angel Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Fallen - that is a lot of time. How does he spend 3hrs per day on the phone with you when hes working and at your house at night? Doesnt he have to work? He does work, but he spends a lot (A LOT) of time driving. He has huge commutes almost daily. And he also calls me when he is doing his paperwork for work, he is the supervisor, so he has a lot of paperwork time and if he is working out of town staying in a hotel, then we talk before and after work.
lovekillsslowly Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I just want to second what hopeless4u said about it not being all about the sex. During the 10 months our affair was going on, even though we saw each other almost everyday Monday thru Friday (and sometimes at night too) we only had sex 6 times. It was never about the sex. It was about spending time together....just being with each other. Talking about our day, our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our sorrows. It was way more about the emotional connection that has been missing from our marriages for many years than it was about the physical connection. We had both been married for 20 years when we got involved with each other. Our marriages were both in a rut. And rather than choose to try to work on making our marriages better and take them out of the boring, routine, daily ritual they had become we chose to turn to each other and feel alive and excitement again. For those people who are able to go to their spouse...tell them everything that's wrong and seek help or to work on improving their marriages rather than turning to someone else to get what they are missing I applaud them. If that is what they really want...to improve their marriage and make it better than that's great. But for he and I, at the time, we just didn't care anymore about our marriages. And by not caring it made it so much easier to turn to each other than to work on what was broken at home. I am by no means a marriage counselor. And I am definitely the last person to take advice from on how to improve your marriage. But if I were in your position, and if I really wanted to make my marriage work, I would ask your spouse what emotional connection might be missing from your marriage and do what you must to bring that back to both of you. I can almost guarantee that this affair your W was involved with had nothing to do with sex. For most women it doesn't. It goes much deeper than that.
ann09 Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 This is just me and in no way refective of how I feel about everyone else in the world. I am married and have been having an A for some time now. I could never sleep with my H - I am too in love with OM (who is single btw). I am in the process of separating from my H - as I can't take living like this anymore. But sex to me isn't a casual thing. I can't imagine having it with 2 people - whether on the same day or different days. The thought sickens me. Maybe it's because I am in love with only one of these men.
Author dzzz Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 i assumed everytime the OM/OW met up it would lead to sex ... i guess not
lovekillsslowly Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Yes you're assumption was wrong. I know that men are very visual. And I'm guessing you have been torturing yourself with a lot of visual, intimate thoughts going through your head about your wife and her AP when there was more to it than that. My xMM use to tell me "if this was just about us meeting up and having sex it would be so much easier. If that's all there was to our relationship it would be easier to deal with. But it's not about that. It's about so much more than that. And that is what makes it so hard." Talk to your W. Find out what is missing emotionally that she is craving from you. If you can figure that out and work on that part of your relationship I'm sure things will get better for both of you and she will never be inclined to do this to you again. I wish you both the best.
Spoiled Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 i assumed everytime the OM/OW met up it would lead to sex ... i guess not No, my xMM and I met several times without having sex. When we did it was an all day event. I never slept with both men in the same day. Although sleeping with someone else was awful on my part and could have exposed my H and I to stds, I never allowed my H to perform oral with me or kiss me for days after being with xMM. There are some things about my sexual relationship with xMM that my H is unaware. I did exclude details about things we said while making love, the bjs, positions, and the aspects of the experience that really excited me. My H reached a point in which he did not want to know any further.
Spoiled Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Yes you're assumption was wrong. I know that men are very visual. And I'm guessing you have been torturing yourself with a lot of visual, intimate thoughts going through your head about your wife and her AP when there was more to it than that. My xMM use to tell me "if this was just about us meeting up and having sex it would be so much easier. If that's all there was to our relationship it would be easier to deal with. But it's not about that. It's about so much more than that. And that is what makes it so hard." Talk to your W. Find out what is missing emotionally that she is craving from you. If you can figure that out and work on that part of your relationship I'm sure things will get better for both of you and she will never be inclined to do this to you again. I wish you both the best. So true. My A was far more emotional and I miss the conversations, text messages, emails, e-cards, and lunch dates more than anything. The sex was very passionate and fulfilling but it was everything else that really kept me involved months after d-day. During my initial attempts of no contact, my xMM assured he would never try to see me again but wanted to remain in LC via emails and phone because we were so emotionally involved.
hopeless4u Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I do understand where you are coming from, I was a BW 10yrs ago(which makes what I am doing now even harder to bare but thats another thread!) My xH only had a brief A(1month at most) but the images of what they did kept me awake at night (it probably didn't help that I caught him in the act) but I understand as I asked him for details at the time because if he didn't tell me my mind made it up anyway! He told friends that he couldn't understand why I wanted to know as it would just hurt me more so I suspect your W is in the same place he was. If it helps, my xH still regrets what he did as I left him, not for what he did but for the lies he told when I suspected and he didn't end it. I hope you both can find a way to get past this.
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