FeelingLonely98 Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 This thread sort of goes side by side with HoH's recent thread... On Day 73 after the D-day I started 100% indefinite NC. It's been 4 days since NC started. I know it is too soon now - BUT I was wondering if some of you out there can advise about how long REAL NC had to go for you before your feelings subsided enough. I want it to end NOW, but I was wondering if 30 days, 60 days, ... ??? I know everyone is different - just wanted to hear what I might be in for! (We have no kids together.) (Reminder --> I'm the BS with the 47 yr old STBXW that ran off with an 18 yr old child!) I hate this MF'ing rollercoaster! Any insight is greatly appreciated. PEACE!
USMCHokie Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Like you said, it's different for every person...first time love, it may take a LOOONG time...if the relationship lasted for a long time, it may take longer...if there is someone you have in mind to replace the ex, it may take shorter...there are just so many factors in play...but the thing is, one day your feelings will subside...so it's something to look forward to... But also, the feelings may come and go...a month ago, I thought I was doing great and not thinking about my ex...now, the feelings just randomly resurfaced...no catalyst, just random and out of nowhere...so yea, it's a rollercoaster ride, no doubt... But almost 4 months now, 2 months of complete NC...feelings still there...I've accepted that it's over between us, but I'm not quite over her yet...but I'm sure one day I will be...
Miguelrg Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 i'm at 9 months break up, 6 months nc Still have feelings so i think everyone is different, some never heal!
Lamak Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 It varies from person to person. Although you may get tired of feeling those feelings, one day it won't matter to you as much. I was NC for 4 months until my ex started up some drama with me and now it feels like day 1. Make sure to stay away from your ex!
jjaded1 Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I'm at just under 2 months....the past couple of days have been a turning point in that I've accepted that it really is over and there is no hope that he will contact me...I still miss him, but it hasn't been as painful as it was even a week ago...I feel like I don't even know him anymore.-& today would have been our 2 yr anniversary! His loss. The longer you go, the easier it gets...but healing time is going to be different for everyone
nobleguy Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I'm at just under 2 months....the past couple of days have been a turning point in that I've accepted that it really is over and there is no hope that he will contact me... That was my turning point too. 3 1/2 months. A week after it finally sinking in, I'm still down and out to a certain extent but I can feel myself getting slowly stronger. Acceptance is the key I think, but it's not something you can just decide to do when you want unfortunately. It just kind of happens for one reason or another.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 Acceptance is the key I think, ... TY all - Potentially the only I "have" to see her is next month at the court date when we both have to show. I'll do my best not to talk to her or look at her. If she brings her 18 yr old BF, though I will be piss*d off. (She's 47 !!! WTF) (Her pic is in my album - if you wanna see what a 47 yr old looks like that would leave a good M, let me know I'll make you a contact.)
adamt Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I lasted 5 months of NC and was improving. We bumped into each other and had a civil catchup chat. I felt ok at the time. But the following few days she was in my thoughts a lot more and i was replaying the relationship and catchup chat in my head and what other things i could have said. I still do have my moments of feeling lonely and wanting to share my thoughts with her. But i am now actively looking to date someone else and making progress. So what i've learnt is to stay in NC and don't get complacent and think you are fully over someone. I think until i find someone else who pushes the right buttons i wont have fully moved on.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 I lasted 5 months of NC and was improving. We bumped into each other and had a civil catchup chat. I felt ok at the time. But the following few days she was in my thoughts a lot more and i was replaying the relationship and catchup chat in my head and what other things i could have said. I still do have my moments of feeling lonely and wanting to share my thoughts with her. But i am now actively looking to date someone else and making progress. So what i've learnt is to stay in NC and don't get complacent and think you are fully over someone. I think until i find someone else who pushes the right buttons i wont have fully moved on. YIKES!!! I am not sure if I'll be ready to date someone soon or not. I was hoping for it to end before then. This is day 6 of NC now and it is VERY hard. I am in the low point of the rollercoaster ride now. Very depressed and sad. A card arrived yesterday addressed to the 47 yr old STBXW and her new 18 yr old BF. (The one she left the M for). I thought WTF!! Why is this coming here? I opened it of course and it was a TY card from a gal thanking them for visiting an apt. complex recently. (BARF) She is planning to live with an 18 yr old child. WITH her 20 yr old son. How horrible for her son to live with her and the 18 yr old piece of sh*t every nite hearing this old woman (his Mom) screw*ng a little boy in the next room that happens to be 2 yrs younger than him!!!!!!!! :(:(:(:(
USMCHokie Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 So what i've learnt is to stay in NC and don't get complacent and think you are fully over someone. I think until i find someone else who pushes the right buttons i wont have fully moved on. I agree with this...our minds tend to associate the warm fuzzies with the last person that we were with...or at least the last person that meant something to us...so until we find someone to replace that spot, I don't think we truly ever get over them...
9Lives Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 This thread sort of goes side by side with HoH's recent thread... On Day 73 after the D-day I started 100% indefinite NC. It's been 4 days since NC started. I know it is too soon now - BUT I was wondering if some of you out there can advise about how long REAL NC had to go for you before your feelings subsided enough. I want it to end NOW, but I was wondering if 30 days, 60 days, ... ??? I know everyone is different - just wanted to hear what I might be in for! (We have no kids together.) (Reminder --> I'm the BS with the 47 yr old STBXW that ran off with an 18 yr old child!) I hate this MF'ing rollercoaster! Any insight is greatly appreciated. PEACE! Honestly, the first month and a half suck like hell for real. The second month gets better and better and better if you are really trying to get them out your system
soheartbroken Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 FL98: You're right. It's different for everyone, and I don't know that it's useful for us here on LS to compare ourselves. I think what NC does is to reduce the anxiety aspect of the grief. At least that's what it does for me. I'm at 3 months NC (4 months post-split), and I've noticed progress in the anxiety department. On the other hand, the sadness and depression still remain, and NC can sort of put your ex on an untouchable pedestal...but not really in your case because you've seen her true colours now.
Boundary Problem Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 throwing myself into a new absolutely consuming task/relationship/activity is what worked for me. Or else I would obsessively think about it. Then one day I woke up and realized it wasn't a big deal anymore. At all.
patkirk Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Just hit 3 months total NC, feelings have completely subsided, I hardly think of her anymore really. The first couple of weeks were pure hell, many a times I almost buckled and tried to contact her but glad I didn't. At one month I still hoped we'd reconnect but now at month 3 I'm literally terrified of any contact from her because it would definitely send me back to day one, I'll promptly delete any correspondence from her, I just don't care what she has to say at this point.
nobleguy Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 On the other hand, the sadness and depression still remain, and NC can sort of put your ex on an untouchable pedestal... Yes. I'm feeling about as low today as I ever have and I'm 3 1/2 months into the split. NC is of limited help to me as I have to have contact because of the children. An absolute killer seeing her regularly.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Just hit 3 months total NC, feelings have completely subsided, I hardly think of her anymore really. The first couple of weeks were pure hell, many a times I almost buckled and tried to contact her but glad I didn't. At one month I still hoped we'd reconnect but now at month 3 I'm literally terrified of any contact from her because it would definitely send me back to day one, I'll promptly delete any correspondence from her, I just don't care what she has to say at this point. I'm only at day 7 now! I'm thinking my feelings might subside sooner than yours because of the coldness and almost mean inconsiderate way the STBXW handled all of this - all the while I was super nice and dignified to her! Not sure if you know my "story" - I have plenty of threads if you have plenty of time! LOL. Yes. I'm feeling about as low today as I ever have and I'm 3 1/2 months into the split. NC is of limited help to me as I have to have contact because of the children. An absolute killer seeing her regularly. We have no kids together so it should be easier for me to maintain NC. I'm at 3 months NC (4 months post-split), and I've noticed progress in the anxiety department. Good for you and something for me to look forward to. I know I won't be the same - but there is hope. On the other hand, the sadness and depression still remain, and NC can sort of put your ex on an untouchable pedestal...but not really in your case because you've seen her true colours now. I believe her "true colours" that I'm seeing (that everyone is seeing!) is not my true W. She is in this "fog" and she is a totally different person. She may stay in this fog and be a different person the rest of her life, who knows? But I (and many others!) think the fog will lift eventually (soon? I mean she is 47 and the AP is 18!!!) but it will probably be too late to come back to a GOOD M. I've decided that since there is really no need to talk to her anymore (I have all divorce papers ready to file and will deliver them this Wednesday) - I've decided I will never initiate contact with her again. I need to to do this for my sanity! Plus every time I ever spoke to her she said it annoyed her and turned her off because I "always talk about the same thing". I am determioned to do this 100%. Now if she contacts me I will tell I her I do not want to talk to her unless it is about what happened in our M or what she did to me. Of course in a diplomatic cordial way. I do NOT want to be her "friend". Thoughts? Advice? PEACE!
amtz Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 As hard as it seems, at this point just focus on YOU and be a better person. Eventually people that act stupid only make fools of them selves. Perhaps she will never notice how nice you were or maybe she will, but remember you did things right! And that my friend will be rewarded sooner or later I have had long relations, short relations and to me it has taken me tops 3 months to get over it (Hope my current brake-up is no exception). One though really took me a year not as intense as day one but the pain was there simply because I did things totally wrong, I didn't go out for a whole year no social what so ever... From school to work, work to gym, gym to bed 7 days a week). Posting and venting here helps a lot bro! Will pray for you
nobleguy Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I'm feeling about as low today as I ever have and I'm 3 1/2 months into the split. NC is of limited help to me as I have to have contact because of the children. An absolute killer seeing her regularly. LOL! Except yesterday when she cried because I have the kids this Xmas. It made me remember that she does have feelings and that she has been hit hard by this as well. I'm not pleased she was upset, it's just good in some ways that it's not just me I suppose. When I dropped the little ones off this morning I glanced back to her (don't usually) and she re-opened the almost closed door and gave me a wave goodbye with a kind of sad/sorry face. She must have been checking to see if I would look to open the door again. She also has not introduced the new boyfriend to the children. I have this funny feeling that she has found life is not going quite to plan and that life in the greener grass is actually the same old everyday struggle, even more so now my support is gone. Add to that her admission about thinking about 'us' again recently, I honestly think she is beginning to regret it. Too late... Maybe the LC works in my favour from time to time
aloneinseattle Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Been almost 4 months, of NC. I am in a new long distance relationship. And the feelings are still there for my ex, I miss her still but will never contact her again. My new relationship is rocky been fighting a lot lately, I am short with her, because of all my frustrations. So getting into another relationship in my case is not always the answer. I have a friend he is 85 years old and he told me he still loves his ex wife he left 40 years ago and same amount of time of NC for him (she is still alive).....So go figure. I just hope that is not the case on my part. Good luck and keep up the NC its the only defense we have.
mmk1 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I tell ya, it is true that everyone is different and everyone will have a different "a-ha" moment where cutting the emotional ties finally happens. It happened to me recently when I went out on a date with someone smarter, funnier, hotter and younger than my ex. It helped me get past the thought that my ex was the best I would ever do. Even if this R does not work out, I know I can find someone as good or better that hopefully will treat me better as well. It will be different with everyone, but hang in there and don't contact your ex. You cannot break the emotional ties with an ex by staying in contact. They already have broken the ties and you need to as well. Good luck!
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 Did I break NC? Last night I was looking for some tissue paper for a gift bag present for someone. I found a couple of storage boxes under the bed - one was her stuff. Apparently I overlooked it when I packed all her stuff for her a few months ago. Well, in this box were more of the 16 years of cards the STBXW gave me. I read them all. Quotes: - "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" - "I will always love you" - "You make me the happiest woman in the world" - "I can't wait to be your wife" - "I feel so safe in your arms" - "...grow old together..." There were maybe a 100 of these. Some were older, some more recent. I guess I am a sap. I always saved them all. Anyways, when I packed her stuff a few months ago I had already packed a big box with nothing in it but sentimental stuff about us (photos, framed pics, mementos, souvenirs of trips, cards, wedding album, ETC.) I didn't want them anymore (I couldn't keep them, too painful). Maybe she will toss them when she moves all the boxes to her apt. in a few weeks? Maybe keep them? (40 boxes of her stuff in storage). So I find MORE cards last night. Like I said I read them all. I packed ALL the sentimental cards in her box of stuff, except for 3 of them. Her son, my step-son will take it to her later today. He's already gone off to school and will see her later. BUT, I picked 3 especially heartfelt cards and put them in an envelope. On one of them she even wrote that the card had our wedding vows on it. I attached a little note to the cards saying something like "Please read these cards. It can be like this again. It can be better. But you need to come home. Everything would be different. You can be happier here than anywhere." (I really believe that in the right mindset by her, this can absolutely be true.) I slipped that envelope into a stack of her mail from the last few weeks. She will open it when she goes through her mail. I was doing good with the NC (16 days today). But stumbling upon those cards was heartwrenching. Helped me remember how much I mean (meant?) to her. Damn, I wish I never saw them. So, maybe this is a last ditch reaching out to her, IDK. I will probably regret sending the envelope with the note. I screwed up huh? I will not call her, email her, text her, see her, ... so THAT type of NC will continue. Not asking for a did I do the right thing or not post, just would appreciate your opinions. PEACE! (And Happy Holidays to ALL) (I am VERY thankful I found this site and have received what felt like life-saving advice at times. THANK YOU!)
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 OK - no more posts by me that include the # of days of NC, the # of days since D-day, since walk away day, ... !!!!
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