What do i do?

[zoe1983]

I am just really worried about this situation that I am not sure if I am handling right. My fiance and I bought a townhouse about six months ago and will be married in another six months.

 

His friend, who we have both known our entire relationship, and who spent many months in the beginning of it trying to break us up, is about to be evicted. He lives with his baby mamma her three kids (only one of which is his) and the girl's grandmother. They are about to be evicted and they have gotten a hotel for the next two weeks and then supposedly her boyfriend will come back from deployment and pay for them to move into a rented house. The hotel room only has two double beds and his friend will have to sleep on the floor if he stays there.

 

Of course my fiance has offered to have him come stay with us for the two weeks, on the condition that I am ok with it. I just don't know what to say. I really don't like the guy and he is over 5 years older than me and still acts like a dumb kid (he is in his thirties). My fiance and I have worked our butts off over the last five years to get where we are now and meanwhile he has done nothing but party and take slacker jobs that don't pay much. We don't even have a guest room so he would have to sleep on the futon in our living room. He wouldn't pay us any money and I am also worried that if the deal falls through with the girl's boyfriend (which it always seems to do) that he will want to stay longer.

 

I am a very private person...probably antisocial when you come right down to it. I don't like the guy and don't want anyone living with us, let alone him. But I feel like the biggest B*itch in the world for telling my fiance no. I mean it is his house too right? I might feel differently if the guy was truly going to be homeless but I mean would two weeks on a hotel floor really kill him?

 

I just don't know what to do...I don't want to hurt the relationship I have with my fiance and I know I tend to be unsympathetic to those that refuse to help themselves.....

[Devil Inside]

Hey, your fiance gave you the clause...he said it was based on your approval. So if you don't approve say hell no.

 

I do have to say. It was kind of crappy for your fiance to not talk to you first and then tell your friend, "we decided as a couple it won't work out." It sucks he put you in the hot seat...but so be it...I say you tell him no.

 

Like you said. It would be different if the man was going to be homeless. Or if he was a great guy or something. He is thirty something...I'm sure he can work something out. If your fiance wants to do him a favor lend him an air matress or something.

 

Zoe stick to your guns on this one. Oh and talk to your fiance. You are a couple now, yo uneed ot make decisions as a team now...which means he should have consulted you before offering or saying yes.

 

Let me know how it goes.

[Ronni_W]

I agree with DI.

 

In my marriage, my now-ex was a total wuss (conflict avoidant) and it was always left to me to do the crappy stuff -- say no to family, friends and salespeople when WE, as a couple, wanted or needed to; "fight" with service people; etc., etc.

At the time, I didn't know any better so I never minded it. But as DI points out, it could end up with you feeling "on the hot seat" more often than you'll actually enjoy.

 

If your future hubby has difficulty saying no, I'd suspect that he is secretly hoping that you will say it for the both of you. Certainly, it doesn't sound as if having the guy move in will do your relationship any good -- it's not at all that you're being a "bitch"...it's that you are making a good decision based on what you believe and know to be in your and your betrothed's best interests.

[JaneInVegas]

who we have both known our entire relationship, and who spent many months in the beginning of it trying to break us up

 

This was the part that intrigued me - what were the circumstances he tried to break you up? Was it because of a particular incident, or did he just not like you ... or what? I guess if it were me (I'm somewhat anti-social and prone to not going out of my way for those who I have an uncomfortable relationship with) it would depend on how much he trashed on me, and why.

 

I have to agree with the others, though, it wouldn't kill him to stay in the hotel.

[zoe1983]

it wasn't really that he trashed on me. In fact its kind of a weird story. We all worked together when we met and I think that he had a thing for me a while before my fiance noticed me. He hit on me a few times and I turned him down flat. Then my fiance and I started dating and he was always telling me "oh i saw your boyfriend (now fiance) out with some chick last night" or "oh your boyfriend told me he hooked up with some chick last night". Then ten minutes later he would admit he was just joking or making the crap up. Caused a lot of silly fights in the beginning of our relationship when we were both young. Then when my fiance and i first moved in together he would show up every single night to "hang out". It was technically my fiancé's place so I didn't feel I had much say but it was sooo irritating!

 

Anyways he has actually pulled away from us in the last year because he found Myspace and started to spend all his time with random chicks he met on the internet. Except now he crashed his car (he was supposedly tired but I think drugs were involved) and his baby mamma got them evicted.

 

Honestly the part that I think bothers me the most is that it wasn't the friend that asked to stay with us. My fiance offered before he even asked! I mean he said he had to ask me first but still..why offer??!? I love my fiance but he has a bad tendency to take in what I consider strays!

 

The part that confuses me the most is that my fiance has spent the last couple of years working his butt off to make up for a lot of mistakes he made as a teenager and I just dont understand why he insists on spending time helping people that refuse to help themselves!!!

[Ronni_W]

The part that confuses me the most is that my fiance has spent the last couple of years working his butt off to make up for a lot of mistakes he made as a teenager and I just dont understand why he insists on spending time helping people that refuse to help themselves!!!

Just a guess: Because, due to his own life experiences, your fiance knows how important it is to get a break when one has managed to totally eff-up one's life. You're seeing "people who refuse to help themselves" and he's seeing "someone who will be okay if I just help him out like I was helped / like I wish I would have been helped."

That is, he is demonstrating his compassionate, empathetic, caring side -- and maybe he just needs some help to bring some balance to that and not go over-extending himself (and you); some kind of "reality check" that just always giving to others does also have the potential to be detrimental to his own, and your mutual, happiness and success.

[mem11363]

It was totally wrong of your man to discuss this with his buddy without talking to you first.

 

Guess what - he is going to be sleeping on the floor either way. So let him borrow the futon and sleep on the floor at the hotel. You should not have your lives disrupted because this guy and his wife have totally mismanaged their financial situation.

 

The appeal of your floor vs the hotel is the free food and maybe the rides/car he can borrow. Which is an even bigger imposition.

 

Why did your H think that a guy who tried to break you two up would be welcome in your house?

 

You are NOT being a biatch at all. I think ANY visitor to your townhouse has to be someone you both feel good about.

 

 

 

I am just really worried about this situation that I am not sure if I am handling right. My fiance and I bought a townhouse about six months ago and will be married in another six months.

 

His friend, who we have both known our entire relationship, and who spent many months in the beginning of it trying to break us up, is about to be evicted. He lives with his baby mamma her three kids (only one of which is his) and the girl's grandmother. They are about to be evicted and they have gotten a hotel for the next two weeks and then supposedly her boyfriend will come back from deployment and pay for them to move into a rented house. The hotel room only has two double beds and his friend will have to sleep on the floor if he stays there.

 

Of course my fiance has offered to have him come stay with us for the two weeks, on the condition that I am ok with it. I just don't know what to say. I really don't like the guy and he is over 5 years older than me and still acts like a dumb kid (he is in his thirties). My fiance and I have worked our butts off over the last five years to get where we are now and meanwhile he has done nothing but party and take slacker jobs that don't pay much. We don't even have a guest room so he would have to sleep on the futon in our living room. He wouldn't pay us any money and I am also worried that if the deal falls through with the girl's boyfriend (which it always seems to do) that he will want to stay longer.

 

I am a very private person...probably antisocial when you come right down to it. I don't like the guy and don't want anyone living with us, let alone him. But I feel like the biggest B*itch in the world for telling my fiance no. I mean it is his house too right? I might feel differently if the guy was truly going to be homeless but I mean would two weeks on a hotel floor really kill him?

 

I just don't know what to do...I don't want to hurt the relationship I have with my fiance and I know I tend to be unsympathetic to those that refuse to help themselves.....

[Devil Inside]

I just dont understand why he insists on spending time helping people that refuse to help themselves!!!

 

Here is your chance to model what enforcing boundaries and limits look like.

 

Zoe he sounds like a nice guy. Which has its perks as well. Being kind and generous are not bad things.

 

Like I said before, and others have reiterated, make sure that the two of you establish the boundaries for you as a couple now. This was a decision that effecting you as a couple, not just him. This is your home...your as in the two of you...so it is a decision that involves you both. You love this man, he seems like he has great qualities, so now is the time to work on not letting his lack of boundaries effect the boundaries as you two as couple.

 

This is a task that is totally workable by the way. Good luck!

[catmandoo]

your fiance's friend sounds like a loser and needs some tough love. Your fiance should tell his friend no and he never should have offered without speaking to you first. Don't get mad at your fiance, though, it sounds like he's just a nice guy wanting to help someone in need.