Why do married people tell affair person its love?

[learnfrommymistakes]

This is an easy one. Married men almost always choose to stay with their wives in the end. It isn't that they necessarily like their wives better. They stay with their wives because it's just easier. Most people will do anything to make things as easy as possible on themselves, regardless of how it effects others. Don't make the mistake of thinking most people are complicated. Most people are simple. Their motives are simple, their minds are simple, the explanations for their actions are simple.

 

Yes I think this is true, and relevant. I realize most people will put themsleves first and that many people are way more simple than I realize. I am complicated and intense, to a degree...and I look way deeper into people and their actions always trying to seek the truth or validity or deception, rather than just accepting sometimes, what is...

 

I know my exMM (who is NOW divorced) was simple, damn simple, and realize he never saw the relationship in any way in the way that I did. I was the one questioning everything, him, his morals and judgement, my morals, and the list goes on. HE was enjoying my company, once a year, with as far as I can tell, no guilt or depth...just put it in a compartment and moved on, after the visit was done.

 

I held all the grief, anger, sadness, pain and deep moral conscience at the fact that I slept with a married man, regardless of the fact that he was separated when we met...I never could fully stop the deep feelings and question the whole thing, while he was fine to enjoy and go....

 

I have changed my morals and values a lot, always had them somewhat in tact, but having an affair made me question everything, and hate myself.

 

So sometimes I wondered how can this man do this to me and his wife, and walk away without a deep thought or care. AND the answer is HE IS SIMPLE and SELFISH. I am not blaming him, but I have to call a spade, a spade. It looks like a monkey, walks like a monkey, swings like a monkey...lol...it is a monkey.

 

I WISH there was a place on the web to call out some cheaters and liars and put their names out there so others wont get hurt from the same lies. I would never want to hurt anyone or be vengeful..but I think there are a lot of serial cheaters and bull**ers and sometimes I think they should be called out.

 

thanks for your response

lfmm

[foreal]

i

 

I WISH there was a place on the web to call out some cheaters and liars and put their names out there so others wont get hurt from the same lies. I would never want to hurt anyone or be vengeful..but I think there are a lot of serial cheaters and bull**ers and sometimes I think they should be called out.

 

There IS that place:

 

http://cheaterzzz.com/

[stillafool]

Hi

I am far from naive and have been around the forums and the block..lol..a few times. I post on the "other man/other woman" forums mostly.

 

I see so many similar stories it just baffles me how many married people have affairs which lead them to tell the "other person" they are in love, never felt this before, they wanted to be with the other person forever, yada yada.....crap...lol.

 

I realize people who cheat and have an unhappy marriage are ripe for enjoying something else and seeing it through rose colored glasses perhaps. So many other women post that their MM is madly in love, wants to Divorce their wives, wants the sun moon, and stars and that this affair person is their new soul mate etc.

 

BUT yet so many times, most often, when and if an affair is discovered, the married person will quickly toss their lover under the bus and lie like hell to the spouse. I know they are now faced with a whole new decision, life long decision, but why in the world would married men, especially...tell his affair person anything and everything she wants to hear, and profess undying love, and either not mean it, or toss her under the bus in a second?

 

I know they are covering their tracks and most often wont be honest when discovered...but it is just so f-ked up to do that to both being, the spouse and the affair person.

 

WHile I know some men and women (not picking on men) just care about themselves and will lie like hell to get laid or have a person on the side, i cant believe that normally good people would sink so low so often to just lie and say these things to another human being...and have no intention of doing anything about it....I know its all about self needs and pleasure or having an outlet or fantasy life, or because the spouse is this or that, no sex, no love..but I can tell you now, I would never pretent to love someone I did not, let alone confess my endless love telling somone everything they want to hear and more, and not mean it...

 

So many men and women tell the affair person I LOVE U, I WANT TO BE WITH U, I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS WAY, and then in the end they really dont mean it or could walk away and toss your ass under the bus in seconds. A cheater is going to lie, my xmm lied to me, his wife and probably every other women he met, and did tell me he loved me etc...

 

Why do people toy with hearts like they are silly putty? I just am so diselusioned about relationships. How do you tell someone you are madly in love with them and then go home and f-k your spouse and tell them you love them too? Its such a messy situation.

 

I do not want to get blasted by people..I am really not judging anyone I simply cant wrap my head around all the deceipt and lies ...or is it that you really do love the affair person and the spouse at the same time...what is it?

 

I want to be able to learn to trust again, and thats my goal..btu so many people bull**** eachother its hard to know anymore...I dont trust any relationship really...I try and try but its always there.

 

I would not profess this deep love to someone and mess with their lives and emotions just to have sex....i could not hurt a heart like that...

 

So for those of you people having affairs with people that you tell them you love them...do you mean it or do you mean it only to get what you want and run back to spouse and live as is????

 

My brain is turning and burning...I probably know what the answers are, but damn, it seems so many peoples story are identical, its like everyone went to the same school of relationship hell, and passed with flying colors..lol

 

arrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

lfmm

 

 

I think these people really do feel "in love" when they tell the OM/OW this but as you say sometimes they have rose tinted lenses on when caught up in an affair. I guess when the affair is discovered the lenses fly off and they see their life and what they are not ready to lose.

[learnfrommymistakes]

thanks foreal

I appreciate your insight, and support....it helps.

lfmm

[hopeless4u]

I believe my MM does mean it when he tells me he loves me and part of the reason he's finding it hard to leave his W is because in his words 'she's done nothing wrong' so I guess its easier all round if we suffer as its 'us' who put us in this situation not her.

Also I don't big him up all the time, when we are together its very normal, we do normal things like any other couple so for me its not about him getting what he wants and to be honest he probably does more for me than the other way round.

[Impudent Oyster]

Hi

 

.but why in the world would married men, especially...tell his affair person anything and everything she wants to hear, and profess undying love, and either not mean it, or toss her under the bus in a second?

 

Because if he tells you he loves you, you'll be putty in his hands.

 

. How do you tell someone you are madly in love with them and then go home and f-k your spouse and tell them you love them too? Its such a messy situation.

 

Because cheaters lie. It's what they do.

 

The question shouldn't be why do MP lie to their AP's, I think that's obvious, the question you should be asking is WHY DO YOU BELIEVE THEM?

 

If getting involved with a liar is a problem for you, I suggest you don't "date" people who have to lie just to be with you.

[Impudent Oyster]

.

So for those of you people having affairs with people that you tell them you love them...do you mean it or do you mean it only to get what you want and run back to spouse and live as is????

 

.

 

Who cares? Unless you plan to make a habit of dating married men?

[Impudent Oyster]

There is no doubt in my mind that my MM truly loves me. He might never leave his marriage, but he truly does love me.

 

My exSOs were serial cheaters. I dealt with continuing the relationship knowing what had passed. Their affairs were however short lived episodes.

 

How do you as a BS deal with continuing the marriage when you realize that your H has been deeply in love with the OW for many years? I don't understand that. My MM says he would eventually tell his wife about us if he decided to go for the marriage. How would she ever be able to get over us? Or would it be because she could not fathom the depth of our relationship?

 

 

Simple, my husband was not "deeply in love" with an OW for many years.

 

He had a brief fling that lasted less than 2 months. He freely admits he fell for her flattery and loved how she boosted his ego, but that also she was a "psycho" and the "biggest mistake of his life".

 

So, it wasn't that difficult.

[Samantha0905]

Spark

I agree, I always tell people that, since u are not doing the regular stuff, bills, raising kids, who cooks dinner, cleans hse etc, it is highly romanticized..though I do know some OW have very domesticated lives with their MM...

 

That's one of the things I contemplated when considering ending my affair. It's just not real. There's no way to know what it would be like in that situation, but one thing's for damn sure -- it wouldn't be like the fairytale-land we were sharing in the affair.

 

I can only speak for myself, but at the beginning of my affair I was so intoxicated by the romanticism, attention, sexual passion (plus running away from problems at home, as opposed to working on them as I should) that in my crazy thinking -- it was love. So for what it's worth, I don't think every married person who is having an affair is telling their affair partner they love them (or did tell them, if the affair is now over) as an intentional thought process to get what they want (i.e., sex, etc.)

 

As for whether or not a MM/MW means it when they tell an affair partner they love them, well --

 

They mean what they say as much as someone who is lying and cheating in their marriage can mean it while telling it to someone who is willing to have a relationship with a liar and a cheater. They mean it as sincerely as they can while caught up in the heat of passion and escapism of an affair.

 

I personally think both the MM/MW and the OW/OM are liars and cheaters. At the very least, the OW/OM is lying to and cheating themselves when they convince themselves there is nothing wrong with their actions. I've heard many on here say they did not make an oath to the MM/MW's spouse. You can paint that up in as pretty a way as you want in your mind to alleviate guilt, but you are doing great emotional harm to another human being.

 

It's hardly a foundation for healthy love.

 

 

There are single men and women out here in the world why waste your time, wasting your time!

 

Agreed. If you are available, date only those who are available to date then you won't have to wonder why your MM/MW is running home to their spouse.

 

If you are married, keep your vows. Then you don't inflict great harm onto the person you vowed to be faithful to until death do you part.

[Impudent Oyster]

It's funny because these OW on this board are kinda pathetic to believe the lies of these men who are serial cheaters and fall for it every time. and yet come here and complain why isnt he gonna leave his marriage! I just sit back and wonder why are these women so weak? He knows your weak that's why he chose to chase you for an affair!

 

No one puts a gun to your head and makes you sleep with a married man, but once you know he's married. You have a choice to either continue or not. And if you go into the affair with open eyes wanting to be the OW, you deserve what you get!

 

 

I have to quote this because it's so true, yet if I were to have posted this myself, I would no doubt have gotten an infraction, so, thank you Barracuda for saying what I am not allowed to.

[wheelwright]

I am an xMOW who people might say was played.

 

But what CB and IO said about the OW knows what they are letting themselves in for, and have to bite the bullet should one arrive. That I agree with. You can't blame it on being duped. We already knew the situation is complex, and that the MM may not choose love, even if he does really love you.

 

However, I like to think, and anyway feel, that the feeling love just can't be faked between two people. If when he says he loves you you know it is true in your soul, then it is. If you didn't feel this, and after DDay and buses you can see it wasn't love, then it wasn't. Most know this feeling of having been used some time.

 

If you felt it in your soul, and then DDay and the bus still happens, then you will have a hard time sorting out your head. But you will know on some level if it was true, or if you were used.

 

Of course, we have to be sufficiently self aware to know the difference between fantasy and a true soul meeting.

 

When I suffered infertility, I thought (hoped) many months that I was pregnant. Only to be disillusioned. When I finally was with child, I just knew it in my soul.

 

So we can fool ourselves, but the real thing is unmistakable. Regardless of whether there is a baby in the end.

[learnfrommymistakes]

ImOyster

No, to clear the air, I was not planning on...nor did I plan to date a married man. I never thought it was acceptable, or fine, ok or even in the slightest bit good. When I met him he was separated and not living with his wife, and had no intention of going back, it was over. So as far as I knew, I was doing nothing wrong...

 

He did end up going back to her, without telling me, then all **** hit the fan. I struggled and struggled with everything, and i wont get into it here, but decided to see him about a year later when he said his marriage was ending. The stories I was told led me to be willing to see him here and there...only when i thought they were splitting up. I had never been in that situation before and believed him. Not cause I am naive or pathetic, but because I had no experience with separated men and know what we had. I had something chemical and unexplainable and being someone who dated a lot, and never felt any of that...i was floored and confused...

 

So no, i never did plan on dating a married and never would again. I broke it off more times than I could count because of what this was doing to an innocent person, his wife. I tried and tried to do no contact and it worked several times till it did not. Then I did NC, again, but always ended up staying in touch here and there.

 

I fell hard, and i had never fallen for anyone like this. I was and am not naive and I am not one who wants to interfere in someone elses life. I was weak, stuck and sick. I mean really I was sick, (physically I was very ill) and I was not making good decisions. I said goodbye so many times it was pathetic and dated a lovely man for 2 years where i did not see/mess with the ex mm. I was with a fantastic man who loved me, and i loved..but i was not in love with him like i was the exMM. It sucked. I wanted it to work with my xBF because this was real, healthy and good..but it just did not work. No one was more sad than I..but the cold hard truth is that all the time I still loved the mm, no matter what came and went. This caused me way more pain than joy, way more...it devastaed me to have feelings...like that.

 

I take full responsibility for my actions, bad actions..and hellish nightmare this caused ....I also have been on the other end, was dating a man who I cared for a lot, he went to the military for boot camp, we were fairly serious..he came back 4 months later, supposedly to stay with me, and he was engaged to someone else...so i have been at the other end. Same story, men telling both women he loved them, and couldnt wait to be with them, yet neither knowing he was messing around.

 

It all sucks. I have so much guilt and if you read a lot of my posts, will see that more often than not, i take the side of a BS or at least I sure as heck am not doing pep rallys for OW or OM. I have developed way better morals since this happened, thank God and made some collosal mistakes. My biggest regret has always been that i was slept with another womans husband..no matter what lies he told or i believed..i got sick to my stomach about it, and tried to limit my contact. I was human, weak, vulnerable and fu** up beyond comapare. I dont judge other women, i am here to learn about behavior and actions and what goes on in men and womens mind who cheat or whom are cheated on. I have been on both sides and dont ever want to be there again.

 

I know why BS would hate OW or dislike them very much in general. I get that. I also know there are a lot of good, decent women who had affairs....and i have met some of them here, online. They seem like strong, kind and sensitive people, not all OW are horrid people trying to break up someones homes. I surely was not that person, but i was broken...

 

I am sorry to anyone on here, and in life who has ever been cheated on. It sucks,

lfmm

[Impudent Oyster]

ImOyster

No, to clear the air, I was not planning on...nor did I plan to date a married man. I never thought it was acceptable, or fine, ok or even in the slightest bit good. When I met him he was separated and not living with his wife, and had no intention of going back, it was over. So as far as I knew, I was doing nothing wrong...

 

He did end up going back to her, without telling me, then all **** hit the fan. I struggled and struggled with everything, and i wont get into it here, but decided to see him about a year later when he said his marriage was ending. The stories I was told led me to be willing to see him here and there...only when i thought they were splitting up. I had never been in that situation before and believed him. Not cause I am naive or pathetic, but because I had no experience with separated men and know what we had. I had something chemical and unexplainable and being someone who dated a lot, and never felt any of that...i was floored and confused...

 

So no, i never did plan on dating a married and never would again. I broke it off more times than I could count because of what this was doing to an innocent person, his wife. I tried and tried to do no contact and it worked several times till it did not. Then I did NC, again, but always ended up staying in touch here and there.

 

I fell hard, and i had never fallen for anyone like this. I was and am not naive and I am not one who wants to interfere in someone elses life. I was weak, stuck and sick. I mean really I was sick, (physically I was very ill) and I was not making good decisions. I said goodbye so many times it was pathetic and dated a lovely man for 2 years where i did not see/mess with the ex mm. I was with a fantastic man who loved me, and i loved..but i was not in love with him like i was the exMM. It sucked. I wanted it to work with my xBF because this was real, healthy and good..but it just did not work. No one was more sad than I..but the cold hard truth is that all the time I still loved the mm, no matter what came and went. This caused me way more pain than joy, way more...it devastaed me to have feelings...like that.

 

I take full responsibility for my actions, bad actions..and hellish nightmare this caused ....I also have been on the other end, was dating a man who I cared for a lot, he went to the military for boot camp, we were fairly serious..he came back 4 months later, supposedly to stay with me, and he was engaged to someone else...so i have been at the other end. Same story, men telling both women he loved them, and couldnt wait to be with them, yet neither knowing he was messing around.

 

It all sucks. I have so much guilt and if you read a lot of my posts, will see that more often than not, i take the side of a BS or at least I sure as heck am not doing pep rallys for OW or OM. I have developed way better morals since this happened, thank God and made some collosal mistakes. My biggest regret has always been that i was slept with another womans husband..no matter what lies he told or i believed..i got sick to my stomach about it, and tried to limit my contact. I was human, weak, vulnerable and fu** up beyond comapare. I dont judge other women, i am here to learn about behavior and actions and what goes on in men and womens mind who cheat or whom are cheated on. I have been on both sides and dont ever want to be there again.

 

I know why BS would hate OW or dislike them very much in general. I get that. I also know there are a lot of good, decent women who had affairs....and i have met some of them here, online. They seem like strong, kind and sensitive people, not all OW are horrid people trying to break up someones homes. I surely was not that person, but i was broken...

 

I am sorry to anyone on here, and in life who has ever been cheated on. It sucks,

lfmm

 

Lmm...if he was separated then I understand, I assumed you knew he was married when you got involved, like 99% of the OW who post here.

 

I don't hate OW, but I do hate the entitled attitude some of them have, along with the attitude that they didn't do anything wrong since they "didn't make any vows to anyone" and a true belief that they're "really good people who can't help who they love" baloney...that attitude galls me.

 

So to get back to your question, why would a MP tell the OW they love them? Lots of reasons, but affairs aren't real, neither are the feelings, words, etc. uttered in them. Affairs are based on lies, that's what sustains them, so it would be a bigger surprise, IMO, to find honesty in an EMA than to wonder about the dishonesty.

 

Face it, once they see the light of day most of them are over. Unless the AP's lie even better to keep it secret.

[WalkInThePark]

During all of the post-A aftermath and spillage of details, my H cried twice. Once when he told me they had sex and once when he told me he told her he loved her. He said she always said it first (maybe 3-5 times) and he responded in kind....and it was always during sex. He said, "what else was I going to say?!! I wanted the sex!"

 

Do you want to be married to a man who treats a woman like that? Never mind that she is the horrible OW... She's human too.

[Impudent Oyster]

Do you want to be married to a man who treats a woman like that? Never mind that she is the horrible OW... She's human too.

 

 

Treats a woman like WHAT?

 

If she knew that he was married, then he knew exactly what kind of woman he was with. She didn't have any qualms about sleeping with him knowing he had a wife, right? That says everything about a persons character, or lack thereof.

 

Why respect someone who doesn't respect themselves? A person who gets treated well does not get involved with married men. That right there means you volunteered to come last.

[RedDevil66]

I believe they mean it, at the time. Unless the cheater is a total douche and just out to get laid, then there are no lies, just what they feel at the time.

As we all know, feeling DO NOT represent reality in any way, shape or form

Then when push comes to shove and the cheater needs to chose or gets "caught" is when they realize their feelings were not what they thought they were

 

The married guy I was seeing told me how much he loved me etc. He meant it, at the time, then when I left my 11 yrs relationship and was free to "be with him" (God how dumb was I), he ran for the hills. He didn't even want to talk to me. He started to see someone else.

 

The sort of love felt based on deceit is not in ANY way real love. It's selfish, feed my ego and my empty life love. Real love does not cheat or lie, but it takes a strong, spiritually well adjusted person to know the difference between real love and empty love

[RedDevil66]

They 'LOVE' the way they feel.

 

Some may think they "Love" the OP, but love is an action word.

 

Think about it.....how do you define love?

 

True love is filled with selfless actions.

 

The love actions my WW and I have done for one another are countless!

Neither WW or OM have demonstrated ONE SINGLE love action.

It was talk and bull****.

Flattery, flirting, sex are not love actions at all.

That's the easy part.

That's the part that get single people into dating.

 

That is NOT the part that sustains a marriage and demonstrates true LOVE.

 

For example, a true LOVE action would be respecting a prospective affair partner and staying away from them. If true love was involved, sex would not be a part of it. We can sacrifice sex for true love. Example...spouse gets sick and can't have sex for 6 months. You stay by their side without the sex. That's love. If it were TRUE love with an affair partner....

They would simply express their undying love.....tell their spouse they are in love with someone else....get divorced.....and remarry. All before engaging in sex. Sex and love are NOT synonymous.

 

If the affair partners are spouting LOVE to one another....they don't understand LOVE......Love is a RESULT of mutual respect, trust, and loyalty.

 

They LOVE the way they feel....simple.

 

agreed and well said, but only once a cheaters get to the end of their affair do they realize this reality

[her_halo_slipped]

Sometimes I think parties involved in an affair do fall in love. Is that so hard to believe? Someone obviously believes in loving two men because a song was penned....."Torn between two lovers".

I think it is possible especially if a PA has developed from a long term EA. Strong feelings, yes love, quite possibly does occur. And not just for the sole purpose of getting laid. I mean usually you are getting laid before the "I love you" line so why bother with it?

And remember love can be like a chamelon. It is mutable and means different things to different people.

[Spark1111]

Two years post DDay, lots of intensive IC for my WS:

 

The conclusions:

The mutual attraction was off the charts for both of them.

They met while at hugely low points in their lives.

They believed no one else wanted them, or needed them.

His feelings felt very real to him at the time. Can't speak for her.

He needed to rescue someone because he couldn't rescue himself.

Six months after he realized she would never be the one, he continued to see and lead her on because he loved the way she made him feel about himself.

He did hurt her and feels guilty about it.

He believes, NOW, they both used each other, to meet their own unmet needs at that point in time.

 

Did he lie to her? Well, at the time he didn't think so.

 

Was he confused? No doubt about that.

[2sure]

I dont want to belittle any one else's relationship because...who am I to do that?

 

But I can tell you about something I learned along the way when I was OW to various men:

 

For the affair to be complete, for it to satisfy whatever their needs were...the love element was key. Now, my role as OW in each of these affairs was intentional. During each affair I was with them exclusively, I enjoyed them very much AND they paid my rent, bought me cars, vacations etc. You get the picture...but thats not the point.

 

Certainly each of them had to know in their hearts just as I did...that it was what it was. BUT they still professed LOVE for me. I sure didnt require it and I know that at the time they thought they meant it.

 

Like I said, the whole being in love with each other thing seemed to be a big element in the satisfaction they received from the affair. But clearly it wasnt real , not on my part (I never said it) and not on theirs (although I'm sure they felt the same way about their next OW)

 

Just my experience

[Dexter Morgan]

"Why do married people tell affair person its love?"

 

because clothes seem to come off easier when the L word is uttered. and sometimes the clothes just come off without it just as easy

[Lucky_One]

Treats a woman like WHAT?

 

If she knew that he was married, then he knew exactly what kind of woman he was with. She didn't have any qualms about sleeping with him knowing he had a wife, right? That says everything about a persons character, or lack thereof.

 

Why respect someone who doesn't respect themselves? A person who gets treated well does not get involved with married men. That right there means you volunteered to come last.

 

That doesn't speak particularly well of the man, either.

[Snowflower]

We wives are just an evil bunch Jennie. We just love standing in the way of true love. That is why we do what we do.

 

PR, this is too funny!

 

Sadly though, this is often how 'the wife' is perceived by many (not all) OW...especially after d-day.

 

The poor MM...he must have to stay in the marriage because the wife is so evil...and doesn't know what true love is.

[MadMission]

Whether or not WH was really in love...matters not.

He felt it was true love....experienced it as real...believed he was in love with OW.

That is all I need to know.

[learnfrommymistakes]

PR, this is too funny!

 

Sadly though, this is often how 'the wife' is perceived by many (not all) OW...especially after d-day.

 

The poor MM...he must have to stay in the marriage because the wife is so evil...and doesn't know what true love is.

 

Hi, you may be right but in my case, I felt sorry for the wife, big time. She seemed like a good person and he did not trash her, they had marriage issues, they split (when i met him) got back...etc. He said she cheated thats why they separated. I never ever had any reason not to like her, nor did i necessarily believe him..it seemed like the case of two people living like roomates, and just growing apart. The reason i kept ending this time and time again was exactly because i thought it was horrible to do to his wife. i did not once feel sorry for him, but always for her, for being lied to, he lied to us both, so he looked foolish not her.

 

When they were separated for the second time, i felt horrid for her, she was "by his account" miserable and dying to get back. I actually sided with her and tried to get him and her to seek counseling...and/or get on forums/support groups. My heart broke/breaks for her (tho i dont know her at all)....my stomach turns and aches for him, they are divorced and i trust him/respect him LESS now, believe me.

 

Hope this was not threadjack..i never know the boundaries..just want to point out that some OW care deeply abt the effects/lies to the spouse and abt the spouse. I would probably side with her if we ever met

 

have a good day

lfmm