learnfrommymistakes Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Hi I am far from naive and have been around the forums and the block..lol..a few times. I post on the "other man/other woman" forums mostly. I see so many similar stories it just baffles me how many married people have affairs which lead them to tell the "other person" they are in love, never felt this before, they wanted to be with the other person forever, yada yada.....crap...lol. I realize people who cheat and have an unhappy marriage are ripe for enjoying something else and seeing it through rose colored glasses perhaps. So many other women post that their MM is madly in love, wants to Divorce their wives, wants the sun moon, and stars and that this affair person is their new soul mate etc. BUT yet so many times, most often, when and if an affair is discovered, the married person will quickly toss their lover under the bus and lie like hell to the spouse. I know they are now faced with a whole new decision, life long decision, but why in the world would married men, especially...tell his affair person anything and everything she wants to hear, and profess undying love, and either not mean it, or toss her under the bus in a second? I know they are covering their tracks and most often wont be honest when discovered...but it is just so f-ked up to do that to both being, the spouse and the affair person. WHile I know some men and women (not picking on men) just care about themselves and will lie like hell to get laid or have a person on the side, i cant believe that normally good people would sink so low so often to just lie and say these things to another human being...and have no intention of doing anything about it....I know its all about self needs and pleasure or having an outlet or fantasy life, or because the spouse is this or that, no sex, no love..but I can tell you now, I would never pretent to love someone I did not, let alone confess my endless love telling somone everything they want to hear and more, and not mean it... So many men and women tell the affair person I LOVE U, I WANT TO BE WITH U, I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS WAY, and then in the end they really dont mean it or could walk away and toss your ass under the bus in seconds. A cheater is going to lie, my xmm lied to me, his wife and probably every other women he met, and did tell me he loved me etc... Why do people toy with hearts like they are silly putty? I just am so diselusioned about relationships. How do you tell someone you are madly in love with them and then go home and f-k your spouse and tell them you love them too? Its such a messy situation. I do not want to get blasted by people..I am really not judging anyone I simply cant wrap my head around all the deceipt and lies ...or is it that you really do love the affair person and the spouse at the same time...what is it? I want to be able to learn to trust again, and thats my goal..btu so many people bull**** eachother its hard to know anymore...I dont trust any relationship really...I try and try but its always there. I would not profess this deep love to someone and mess with their lives and emotions just to have sex....i could not hurt a heart like that... So for those of you people having affairs with people that you tell them you love them...do you mean it or do you mean it only to get what you want and run back to spouse and live as is???? My brain is turning and burning...I probably know what the answers are, but damn, it seems so many peoples story are identical, its like everyone went to the same school of relationship hell, and passed with flying colors..lol arrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lfmm
2sunny Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 some men say anything to make sure they get what they're there for. maybe they learned that i they say they are falling hard or that they love the gal - she gives him the sex he wants, shows him the attention he is missing, gives him compliments, etc...
Author learnfrommymistakes Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 some men say anything to make sure they get what they're there for. maybe they learned that i they say they are falling hard or that they love the gal - she gives him the sex he wants, shows him the attention he is missing, gives him compliments, etc... Yeah 2 sunny, I get the simplistic, obvious answer, but it seems odd the intensity of the emotions and feelings, which seem very real, are real...but yet affairs almost never end up with the 2 people being together, so was it real love, was it just something exciting and new, an escape, a rush, or was it love..who knows. Affairs most often lead to devastation....but the level of words that get tossed around like they mean nothing, surprise me. I have only ever been in love once, and it was to a married man, and I felt horrible, I mean horrible, but I wondered how he could say some of the things he did without thought/concern and then go back and pretent it is not there. Some people can compartmentalize....men do it better than women. BUT also, for BS my heart just bleeds, because I would have a huge hard time ever getting over knowing my husband (I never had one..just saying....) told another women he was in love with her wanted to live with her, she was his soul mate..etc and then come and tell me you love me, and crawl in bed with me....BARF...that would just be something so devastating. I give people a lot of credit who can work past this, and learn and grow, and not let it consume them...really i do.. hugs to all on this Friday night lfmm
road Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 " but why in the world would married men, especially...tell his affair person anything and everything she wants to hear, and profess undying love, and either not mean it, or toss her under the bus in a second?" Say anything to get laid. Never looking to leave their BW.
Author learnfrommymistakes Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 " but why in the world would married men, especially...tell his affair person anything and everything she wants to hear, and profess undying love, and either not mean it, or toss her under the bus in a second?" Say anything to get laid. Never looking to leave their BW. Well like I said, besides the obvious answer, all he wants is to get laid..BUT many a married man/women has had an affair that is very complicated, deep, and they have everything to loose...either at work or home etc..and a lot of people risk their entire marriage, what for a quick peice of ass...? YES a lot of people who cheat do it just for that, but it is easy to get laid, and many people find themselves involved in way more than a lay....feeling develop...they fall in love, deep, etc...but at the same time, run back to tell the wife/hubby ..I LOVE YOU, he/she was just a fling, it meant nothing...bla blah blah.... So to get laid, simple, but men/women stay in complicted affairs that are tough...so getting laid is not really the main thing or original thing anymore, its ONE of the things. It still may be the main thing, but boy does it get complex. And yes I do believe someone can have deep feelings for a spouse and another person, usually one is a deep emotional connected and the other passion....but still...people go through a lot of trouble and bulls** to carry on an affair, long term. interesting and troublesome lfmm
Lucky_One Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I think that there are many EMAs that feel deep love, but with the MP(s) never meaning to leave their marriages. So yes, while they risk the marriage, they trust in luck, and if they are caught, then they beg and pray to stay in the situation that they never wanted to leave in the first place. But in many cases, I do believe that there is love. But love, alas, isn't always enough.
jennie-jennie Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 There is no doubt in my mind that my MM truly loves me. He might never leave his marriage, but he truly does love me. My exSOs were serial cheaters. I dealt with continuing the relationship knowing what had passed. Their affairs were however short lived episodes. How do you as a BS deal with continuing the marriage when you realize that your H has been deeply in love with the OW for many years? I don't understand that. My MM says he would eventually tell his wife about us if he decided to go for the marriage. How would she ever be able to get over us? Or would it be because she could not fathom the depth of our relationship?
whichwayisup Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2486582&postcount=1 I think this poster sums it up as to why (most) married folks have affairs, and have no intention of leaving their marriages. Feelings of love or not, the married person is getting ALL their needs met, so it comes down to, if they can selfishly get away with having two people, they'll do it.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 It's funny because these OW on this board are kinda pathetic to believe the lies of these men who are serial cheaters and fall for it every time. and yet come here and complain why isnt he gonna leave his marriage! I just sit back and wonder why are these women so weak? He knows your weak that's why he chose to chase you for an affair! No one puts a gun to your head and makes you sleep with a married man, but once you know he's married. You have a choice to either continue or not. And if you go into the affair with open eyes wanting to be the OW, you deserve what you get! It's kinda pathetic! There are single men and women out here in the world why waste your time, wasting your time!
road Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 "BUT many a married man/women has had an affair that is very complicated, deep, and they have everything to loose...either at work or home etc..and a lot of people risk their entire marriage, what for a quick peice of ass...? YES " Glad you are smart enough to answer your own question. Some WH want to stay married, just a taste of something new. Once they had that sample their done. Some WH want to stay married, just something new and extra, they like, they're getting away with it so why stop it. Some WH want to stay married, just on a ego trip to be able to bang as many OW on the side as they can. They're getting away with it so why stop it. Why do WH do this? It's fills a want for them. Wanting something does not make it good. How do WH do this? Because OW will let the WH use them.
Lizzie60 Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 If someone ask you this question, what would you answer: 'Who do you like most, your children or your OP'? I think the question is quite clear for most men and women... For a lot of MM/MW... it's out of the question to put their own happiness BEFORE their children's... it's that simple IMO. I know, I should say... I'M ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN... that if there were NO children involved.. gosh this would be sooo much easier.. MOST MM/MW would then leave for their AP.... That said.. I still think that MOST MW would leave for their AP as oppose to MM.. men on the other hand, and for some reason.. don't like complicated situations... if they're comfortable with their W (she's like a 'buddy'), even if they truly love their OW.. (obviously not enough to leave) they might just leave it as it is... because they just hate 'trouble'. Women are more emotional, therefore would leave ... as men are more physical, therefore would be satisfy with sex on the side.. Children make it a whole lot harder to leave.. so much harder..
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 It reminds me of the Dorothy Parker poem: Unfortunate Coincidence By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing, And he vows his passion is Infinite, undying --- Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying. But, sometimes it isn't a lie. It is truth with an expiration date. In other words, at the time people mean what they say but when that time passes, so then does the 'truthiness' (thank you Colbert) of what they say. I think that is the case with most things in regards to truth: it can only be so in a certain context. So, does MM love OW? Sure. It doesn't necessarily mean that it will stick when the context changes though.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 They 'LOVE' the way they feel. Some may think they "Love" the OP, but love is an action word. Think about it.....how do you define love? True love is filled with selfless actions. The love actions my WW and I have done for one another are countless! Neither WW or OM have demonstrated ONE SINGLE love action. It was talk and bull****. Flattery, flirting, sex are not love actions at all. That's the easy part. That's the part that get single people into dating. That is NOT the part that sustains a marriage and demonstrates true LOVE. For example, a true LOVE action would be respecting a prospective affair partner and staying away from them. If true love was involved, sex would not be a part of it. We can sacrifice sex for true love. Example...spouse gets sick and can't have sex for 6 months. You stay by their side without the sex. That's love. If it were TRUE love with an affair partner.... They would simply express their undying love.....tell their spouse they are in love with someone else....get divorced.....and remarry. All before engaging in sex. Sex and love are NOT synonymous. If the affair partners are spouting LOVE to one another....they don't understand LOVE......Love is a RESULT of mutual respect, trust, and loyalty. They LOVE the way they feel....simple.
foreal Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Some cheaters want an Affair, not divorce. Saying, "I wuuuv you" to the Ap helps them get laid. Saying 'I wuuuv you" to the BS helps them stay M.
aeh Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 During all of the post-A aftermath and spillage of details, my H cried twice. Once when he told me they had sex and once when he told me he told her he loved her. He said she always said it first (maybe 3-5 times) and he responded in kind....and it was always during sex. He said, "what else was I going to say?!! I wanted the sex!" Out of all the things he has told me, this is the detail he continues to go back to and express the most remorse about.....for some reason, when I think about this, it doesn't phase me in the least.............not sure if it's because I don't think he loved her and it's never once crossed my mind that he actually did..or because I just don't care......
PhoenixRise Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I think sometimes the MP is telling the truth when they say they love the AP. I think when it is real love they feel for the AP, they leave the marriage to build a life with the AP. I also think sometimes the MP just loves the AP in the context of the affair. Compartmentalization. They love the AP IN the affair setting only. They have no intention or desire to make the relationship anything other than what it is.....an affair. Would they ever want to introduce the AP to their children, parents, business associates, friends, etc.....NO. They love how they feel in the affair, they love how the AP makes them feel, and they love that they have NO obligation to give the AP anything other than words that describe their feelings. AND we all know that some WS just say what they need to to get laid.
PhoenixRise Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 How do you as a BS deal with continuing the marriage when you realize that your H has been deeply in love with the OW for many years? I don't understand that. My MM says he would eventually tell his wife about us if he decided to go for the marriage. How would she ever be able to get over us? Or would it be because she could not fathom the depth of our relationship? We wives are just an evil bunch Jennie. We just love standing in the way of true love. That is why we do what we do.
Spark1111 Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Learning....I think they love the way the OW/OM makes them feel...and they choose the OW/OM based on whatever they NEED to FEEL that their partner, or themselves, has stopped providing...whether it be attention, flattery or affection. If you provide that missing element.....then they do believe they love you at that moment in time. I do not believe they BELIEVE they are lying. Why? Because they want to give back to you what they think you need from them. You tell him he's wonderful, misunderstood, unappreciated by all but you. He tells you he has never felt this way before and he loves you. No one is discussing the car insurance, the in-laws, taking the sick kid to the doctor after work. It wouldn't be special then; highly romanticized and unrequited, fueled by secrecy and undying passion. It would be too much like....being married.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 "I think sometimes the MP is telling the truth when they say they love the AP. I think when it is real love they feel for the AP, they leave the marriage to build a life with the AP." Absolute hogwash. It feels like love.......it's lust, validation, and mirroring. Happiness comes from within. Affair partners become happy from the outside, from external validation. Marriages with affair partners VERY seldom work out.... Let's look at the VERY few cases where they do work out, ....think about it. The affair partners are older, failed in a previous marriage, shamed. If the affair partners fail in their marriage, it was all for naught. Then they have to face family etc. that THEY are the problem....not the ex. Who wants to be the failure. All of these are STRONG motivators to stay together......but still mostly fail. WHY....because it wasn't about LOVE......
Author learnfrommymistakes Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 Some cheaters want an Affair, not divorce. Saying, "I wuuuv you" to the Ap helps them get laid. Saying 'I wuuuv you" to the BS helps them stay M. TRUE DAT'..lol I think people do confuse sexual intensity and passion with love. Who knows if these MM and OW or MW and OM are really in love in the beginning when they start to feel that electricity and spark. All I know is that mm and mw will go through one helluva lot of bull*sh and trouble then just to get laid..I mean a lot of trouble...even when the "A" person becomes a complication not just a luxury, they stay in the A. What baffles me is how many people in affairs will keep their mouth shut at all costs, the single person in the affair...and not tell the spouse hey your hubby is a cheating II*^&(Y^ or whatever, or your husband was in my bed last night, or xyz. EVEN when the cheating spouse denies and denies to the wife that he is having an affair, and puts the other women through hell.....the other woman keeps the secret at all costs.... would we do this with a single man...probably not, we would dich his ass...fast. Why is it that OW and OM put up with way more bull* dating a married person than they would a single one, funny hah? love is blind... i realize that the ow does not want to loose the mm so they keep their mouths shut, but i am surprised at how many ow and om are willing to live like for so long and not spill the beans...want to tell, want to get caught etc. Its bizarre what one does for "possible" love or for real love or just for a lay. Its a hell of a lot of effort to live this way...isnt it? You know i felt a different way for my exmm than for anyone else that i ever met, ever, on the very first date/time i laid eyes on him. He was separated so I did not have any defenses or worries being that i never dated a separated guy and if i knew peeps who were separated, they never got back together, it was a mini divorce. BUT when i laid eyes on my ex, i was smitten beyond, but not because he was so damn hot, but because the way i felt around him..just sitting next to him, and i am not like that. I crave space and freedom, but it was magnetic. Was it love, I thought so, but surely not the type of love a real marriage and commitment has, that is the real deal, day in day out..maybe it was infatuation all along, tho I know i loved him..hmmm.....head scratch lfmm
Author learnfrommymistakes Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 blindside i happen to agree with a lot of what you said, or can certainly see the validity in it. I think some A people and Married people do fall in love with the other, real love..but it is born from lies and dishonesty to a degree...in most cases..and its hard to sustain love through lies..right? i would never ever EVER trust the exmm i was with...never..lol He lied abt being with his wife, getting back with her, and lied to her about me, that all leads up to LIES...one lie + one lie = hell no i dont trust you...lol
howcouldInotknow Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I think many married people do love their AP but love is a big complicated emotion. There are so many factors other than love that go into making a relationship work. I know through all the cheating my parents did not love each other nor did they want to be together anymore but they stayed together until I finished college and went their separate ways. Things aren't always as simple as they appear. If you saw my parents together you would have never known they hadn't slept together for close to 6 years. There were a lot of things my parents aquired in their time together. My dad had a successful business that my mom had been there from the beginning and helped him build. They finally got a divorce when my mom decided she wanted to be happy. She stopped caring about things, her children were adults, and she walked away with nothing after 30 years of marriage because she couldn't live that way anymore. My parents stayed together out of duty and obligation also out of comfort.
Author learnfrommymistakes Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 Spark I agree, I always tell people that, since u are not doing the regular stuff, bills, raising kids, who cooks dinner, cleans hse etc, it is highly romanticized..though I do know some OW have very domesticated lives with their MM...
foreal Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 LFMM: Just another thought---- I think the MP says the I love yous not just for the getting laid.....they could get a hooker if it was just about sex. I think they say the L word, along with all the gushy mushy stuff (I can't get you out of my mind; you complete me blah blah blah) as a way to keep the adoration coming from the AP....and at the time as others have said here, they are feelin' it!! The MM gets off to the validation the AP gives them right? I mean who wouldn't love to have someone tell you how awesome you are, how wonderful you make them feel, how smart, funny, hot and sexy you are-while there's no screaming kid in the other room! MM (some) actually knows he's a liar, a cheat a deplorable person for putting himself ahead of everyone else, including the AP. But gotta keep the AP on the line, otherwise, he/she may wise up and realize, "this guys a real *******" and stop all the loving adoration- that is a drug, it feels good- to end that would be like cutting his arm off! Of course, there are MP and AP who share true love. But as long as there are 3 (or 4, if both are married) people in the R, not sure how 'true' it is...but it takes all kinds- and people have different levels of tolerance. WHY do AP put up with this crap from MP? That's a great question... perhaps b/c he/she too is hooked on the loving adoration etc....it goes both ways... I hope you are doing better. Hang in there and remember, he IS an Ahole and not deserving of your admiration.
ADF Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 This is an easy one. Married men almost always choose to stay with their wives in the end. It isn't that they necessarily like their wives better. They stay with their wives because it's just easier. Most people will do anything to make things as easy as possible on themselves, regardless of how it effects others. Don't make the mistake of thinking most people are complicated. Most people are simple. Their motives are simple, their minds are simple, the explanations for their actions are simple.
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