SummerLady Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Oh, the joys of dating a man with children. How long have you been dating him, justme? You do realize - these children and their mother have been in his life longer than you have, right? IMO, it's not something you just jump in and tell a man - how to handle his children. You knew he had children when you first starting dating him. You knew they weren't yours - meaning another woman will be in his life for pretty much the rest of his life. If that's not something you can live with, then maybe a man without children would be a better fit. I really don't think you deserve to be making demands like that when you're not even engaged/married to this man. I barely talk to my ex husband. I email him stuff about the kids and when we do talk its quick. No reason to have long drawn out talks and my kids are young. Plus why bother? email works wonders. Sounds like a bad dynamic. It can be corrected and she should be concerned. If they do not have a simple working arrangement on how to communicate it will be a circus. No demands needed, make suggestions and examples of how to streamline this, if not its drama all day......I know many divorced couples of young kids that don't talk everyday mulitple times a day but they have worked it out........This needs to be corrected in a way that it works for everyone, its possible.
Author justme2781 Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 I barely talk to my ex husband. I email him stuff about the kids and when we do talk its quick. No reason to have long drawn out talks and my kids are young. Plus why bother? email works wonders. Sounds like a bad dynamic. It can be corrected and she should be concerned. If they do not have a simple working arrangement on how to communicate it will be a circus. No demands needed, make suggestions and examples of how to streamline this, if not its drama all day......I know many divorced couples of young kids that don't talk everyday mulitple times a day but they have worked it out........This needs to be corrected in a way that it works for everyone, its possible. thank you, that sounds like constructive help. I know i have to tread lightly, but i know that he wants to make our relationship work so i think we will be able to come up with a compromise. Thanks!! beyond boundaries - not everyone has to b e miserable or cant change with changing situations. if he knows that it bothers me when she calls all of the time i think he will work on it. not everything bad has to be dealt with when you have a considerate partner. as for the single mom thing, thats just idiotic, many families have one person who contributes more to the family expenses, if we took that step he would not abandon me, which is what a single mother has to deal with and as i said his financial situation will improve when teh debt is paid. you sound like you have some unresolved issues in your past or your life, not everyone has to be miserable.
Boundary Problem Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 beyond boundaries - not everyone has to b e miserable or cant change with changing situations. if he knows that it bothers me when she calls all of the time i think he will work on it. not everything bad has to be dealt with when you have a considerate partner. as for the single mom thing, thats just idiotic, many families have one person who contributes more to the family expenses, if we took that step he would not abandon me, which is what a single mother has to deal with and as i said his financial situation will improve when teh debt is paid. I told you - you had the fighting spirit. I truly admire it. I just query why you have to deal with his problems and why he can't fix them himself. If you want to throw yourself into this project - be my guest. I just think you deserve better. But I wish you luck and I hope you find happiness with him.
hopesndreams Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 also he didnt CHOOOSEEE any of this. he didnt want to break up his family. i am sure he isnt positive about how to deal with her, this is his first divorce! i just wanted advice on what is appropriate from people who may know more than i do. He needs to stop yacking to her about everything under the sun. He is with you now and if he doesn't take your feelings into consideration it might be because he is still hung up on her. Yes, she took up with another man but he sees her as the mother of his children and he may also see her as something more. Sorry. Tell him to buck up and quit conversing with her. He sends the cheques to her, fulfills whatever is in the divorce agreement but he makes you priority over her. If he doesn't, then find someone who will. Yes, kids come first but in no way does that mean having a relationship that is p*ssing you off, and rightly so, with the ex.
Author justme2781 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 He needs to stop yacking to her about everything under the sun. He is with you now and if he doesn't take your feelings into consideration it might be because he is still hung up on her. Yes, she took up with another man but he sees her as the mother of his children and he may also see her as something more. Sorry. Tell him to buck up and quit conversing with her. He sends the cheques to her, fulfills whatever is in the divorce agreement but he makes you priority over her. If he doesn't, then find someone who will. Yes, kids come first but in no way does that mean having a relationship that is p*ssing you off, and rightly so, with the ex. you dont have to be sorry, i have had the same thoughts, he called her hun the other day on the phone!! lol i was like woah inappropriate and that is kind of what spawned this, but he tells me no its not true he doesnt like her and doesnt want to be friends with her, but they were together for a long time and it is understandable to still have feelings, but he says he loves me and all of his friends and family say that he is the happiest he has been in years but i dont want to be stupid about it. blah!!!! craziness!! its also interesting that whe she doesnt have the kids she doesnt call to talk about isues like babysitters but when she is with them she calls non stop. boundries - he is not a project, no one is perfect. he is the nicest man ive ever met and we are liek two peas in a pod, he is just too nice and too ameable to his ex IMO and i want to know how to deal with it without stepping on toes. if anything i am more of a project than he is!! lol. he is an incredible man, but i need to figure out if what he is doing is appropriate and if not how to deal with it. if i am unhappy i will leave, it just hasnt reached that point. every relationship as issues. he deserves to have another great relationship, we just need to figure out boundries that make us both happy if it is going to work. so i wanted some advice on what is appropriate because i may be overreacting at times. he deserves the benefit of teh doubt to a point, but as hopesndreams pointed out perhaaps there is more to meets the eye, and i dont want to be with someone who isnt really ready even if he thinks he is.
Recommended Posts