justme2781 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 my BF and her have joint custody, they split the week and share a sitter so i understand they will need to talk, but every day some times multiple times a day. There always seem to be issues with babysitters etc., and i think its kind of rude of him. i already have to accept she will be in his and my life as long as they have minor children and thats fine, but it seams excessive and i dont know how to broach the topic.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Oh, the joys of dating a man with children. How long have you been dating him, justme? You do realize - these children and their mother have been in his life longer than you have, right? IMO, it's not something you just jump in and tell a man - how to handle his children. You knew he had children when you first starting dating him. You knew they weren't yours - meaning another woman will be in his life for pretty much the rest of his life. If that's not something you can live with, then maybe a man without children would be a better fit. I really don't think you deserve to be making demands like that when you're not even engaged/married to this man.
Author justme2781 Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 considering they were married when i was in middle school yeah i get that they were there first. i just dont know how to tell if she is meddling too much, because i dont have children and dont have an ex husband. i was looking for someone who is in my position who may know what is appropriate. i like the children and do not want to be their mom, i have no desire to be their mom they have one, i just dont know how much talking on the phone etc is too much.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 i was looking for someone who is in my position who may know what is appropriate. I was married to a man for 4 years that had 5 children from his marriage just before ours. Does that qualify me, or no? I'm not sure what you consider equivalent to your situation. I also most recently dated a guy that is the primary for 3 children. i just dont know how to tell if she is meddling too much, because i dont have children and dont have an ex husband. i just dont know how much talking on the phone etc is too much. Can you help me, here? Meddling in what? Just the children's lives or yours? (I'm not trying to be a smartass, I'm being serious.) Have you asked him if the frequency was the same before you two started dating? How long have you guys been dating? Does she stick to the topic at hand (the children), or does she try to branch into other topics to keep him on the phone? Does he seem annoyed at all at the frequency? Who initiates the majority of the contact - him or her?
dreamergrl Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 If you can't handle it, move on. He's got kids. They aren't yours. The ex and him will talk. It's not rude. And don't give me the "I was asking for someone who's been in this situation blah blah blah crap" Because I'm a product of a divorced family where the Dad went with the new women and met her demands and let me tell you - it's no good for the kids.
Lucky_One Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 My XH and I used to talk a lot when our son was younger and during the first year or two post-D. We don't talk as often, but son has his own phone and deals with his dad on his own a lot more than he used to. If my XH's GF had gotten mad that we were talking about our kids, then it would probably tick me off as a mother. If your BF is divorced and if he seems committed to you and to your R, then why the angst about them talking? His XW has a BF, so it is doubtful that she wants him back - but, to be honest (and knowing that women can have a catty side - ha!) - if you are acting all irritated when they talk, then she may talk more than she needs to, just to show the new kid on the block (that's you) that she has some power/pull still with your BF.
Author justme2781 Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 I had that initial response because that first responder didnt answer my question. I think it IS rude when she calls every day that she has the kids and there is no emergency. They are not babies, they are 8 and 11 and while i think they need to maintain a good relationship for the kids i think she takes advantage of his generosity and it irks me. i dont want to tell him what to do, because it is a sticky situation but i wanted to know what is normal. it has nothing to do with my time with the kids, they are good kids and i do not pretend or want to pretend they are my kids. i do think i can have a say on how much he talks to his ex wife when he does not have the kids especially for trivial stuff.
Author justme2781 Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 If you can't handle it, move on. He's got kids. They aren't yours. The ex and him will talk. It's not rude. And don't give me the "I was asking for someone who's been in this situation blah blah blah crap" Because I'm a product of a divorced family where the Dad went with the new women and met her demands and let me tell you - it's no good for the kids. I dont demand anything of my boyfriend, expecially when it deals with the kids. i feel awful for them and would not do or say anything that would make any of this harder on them. i do think there is a line and i want to know if she crossed it. Perhaps a forum of strangers isnt the best place i was hoping there might be women or men in my position.
Author justme2781 Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 My XH and I used to talk a lot when our son was younger and during the first year or two post-D. We don't talk as often, but son has his own phone and deals with his dad on his own a lot more than he used to. If my XH's GF had gotten mad that we were talking about our kids, then it would probably tick me off as a mother. If your BF is divorced and if he seems committed to you and to your R, then why the angst about them talking? His XW has a BF, so it is doubtful that she wants him back - but, to be honest (and knowing that women can have a catty side - ha!) - if you are acting all irritated when they talk, then she may talk more than she needs to, just to show the new kid on the block (that's you) that she has some power/pull still with your BF. i dont care that they talk about the kids but i think my time with him needs to be respected and calling non stop over a moot issue is weird to me. she is very controlling, and i think she is trying to keep her control over him. i also dont want to get him into a position where she gets mad because she can get nasty, and the kids have already repeated things she has said about other adults that arent nice so i am sure she would have no problem with talking badly about me and it will be hard enough to establish some sort of relationship with his kids. they like me so far, they hate her bf. i just think concessions can be made, but again have never dated a man with kids or that was divorced for that matter so i was hoping some other people may have experienced what i did and would have helpful advice.
Author justme2781 Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 I was married to a man for 4 years that had 5 children from his marriage just before ours. Does that qualify me, or no? I'm not sure what you consider equivalent to your situation. I also most recently dated a guy that is the primary for 3 children. Can you help me, here? Meddling in what? Just the children's lives or yours? (I'm not trying to be a smartass, I'm being serious.) Have you asked him if the frequency was the same before you two started dating? How long have you guys been dating? Does she stick to the topic at hand (the children), or does she try to branch into other topics to keep him on the phone? Does he seem annoyed at all at the frequency? Who initiates the majority of the contact - him or her? She kind of meddles in mine, but i can understand her wanting to know the person that is hanging around her kids i dont really have a problem with that. It is more that she always seems to come up with a new issue when he doesnt the kids. Her one son gets ear aches and he gets whiney so she called and complained about how whiney he was . .he had already seen teh dr and received medicine. My Bf never calls her when he has the kids. ever. they hang out and he handles the whining or whatever may happen because it is his time with the kids. i understand if they have concerns about health of need new babysitters (she has fired 5) but you dont need to call several times a night to discuss it, especially since she makes all of the decisions whether he agrees or not. I think there is a control factor and i think he needs to respect our time together. He can be kind of a push over and it is hard to watch. I bite my tongue because for the most part it is none of my business and he is a grown man, but the constant talking on teh phone when i am there is just crazy! Also, the babysitter goes to her house and he picks them up from there on his nights so they see each other every day too which is fine! But any issues can be dealt with then i feel. I just dont want to overstep or make anyone angry . .its just a difficult situation.
phineas Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I had that initial response because that first responder didnt answer my question. I think it IS rude when she calls every day that she has the kids and there is no emergency. They are not babies, they are 8 and 11 and while i think they need to maintain a good relationship for the kids i think she takes advantage of his generosity and it irks me. i dont want to tell him what to do, because it is a sticky situation but i wanted to know what is normal. it has nothing to do with my time with the kids, they are good kids and i do not pretend or want to pretend they are my kids. i do think i can have a say on how much he talks to his ex wife when he does not have the kids especially for trivial stuff. what do you mean by she takes advantage of his generosity? Is he allready paying court ordered support plus some of his own? Is he strugling because of her?
Author justme2781 Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 what do you mean by she takes advantage of his generosity? Is he allready paying court ordered support plus some of his own? Is he strugling because of her? they have shared custody, he pays her for half the babysitter, clothes and medical insurance to her and she buys the clothes and pays the babysitter. He pays her a flat amount for clothes and has no say and does not get receipts (doubtful that it all goes to them), he pays out of pocket for the medical insurance when it is being deducted from her check before taxes, so he is paying more than his fair share. I think he pays way way too much. But thats their business. It just irks me that he does whatever she says and doesn't stand up for himself, he let her have the house, he is very generous and she knows if she pitches a fit she will get her way. He always takes them on her weekends for a coupe hours when she feels overwhelmed and i cant tell you the last time she returned the favor, or she will get the babysitter and make him pay half. its a very lopsided situation. he definately should have more spending money than he does but again thats not really my business until we share finances.
phineas Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 they have shared custody, he pays her for half the babysitter, clothes and medical insurance to her and she buys the clothes and pays the babysitter. He pays her a flat amount for clothes and has no say and does not get receipts (doubtful that it all goes to them), he pays out of pocket for the medical insurance when it is being deducted from her check before taxes, so he is paying more than his fair share. I think he pays way way too much. But thats their business. It just irks me that he does whatever she says and doesn't stand up for himself, he let her have the house, he is very generous and she knows if she pitches a fit she will get her way. He always takes them on her weekends for a coupe hours when she feels overwhelmed and i cant tell you the last time she returned the favor, or she will get the babysitter and make him pay half. its a very lopsided situation. he definately should have more spending money than he does but again thats not really my business until we share finances. I don't fault you. My wife left me for another man. I'm strugling to pay my mortgage & i'm giving her some money so my kids don't go without electricity. It sucks. It really does. I've got two women friends & the one tells me it isn't fair & complains how men are treated in situations like this. The other just seems to get annoyed that i'm giving her anything. This boggles my mind because usually women are up in arms if a man isn't supporting his children financially & both freinds don't think I should be giving her anything.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 She kind of meddles in mine, but i can understand her wanting to know the person that is hanging around her kids i dont really have a problem with that. It is more that she always seems to come up with a new issue when he doesnt the kids. Her one son gets ear aches and he gets whiney so she called and complained about how whiney he was . .he had already seen teh dr and received medicine. My Bf never calls her when he has the kids. ever. they hang out and he handles the whining or whatever may happen because it is his time with the kids. i understand if they have concerns about health of need new babysitters (she has fired 5) but you dont need to call several times a night to discuss it, especially since she makes all of the decisions whether he agrees or not. I think there is a control factor and i think he needs to respect our time together. He can be kind of a push over and it is hard to watch. I bite my tongue because for the most part it is none of my business and he is a grown man, but the constant talking on teh phone when i am there is just crazy! Also, the babysitter goes to her house and he picks them up from there on his nights so they see each other every day too which is fine! But any issues can be dealt with then i feel. I just dont want to overstep or make anyone angry . .its just a difficult situation. they have shared custody, he pays her for half the babysitter, clothes and medical insurance to her and she buys the clothes and pays the babysitter. He pays her a flat amount for clothes and has no say and does not get receipts (doubtful that it all goes to them), he pays out of pocket for the medical insurance when it is being deducted from her check before taxes, so he is paying more than his fair share. I think he pays way way too much. But thats their business. It just irks me that he does whatever she says and doesn't stand up for himself, he let her have the house, he is very generous and she knows if she pitches a fit she will get her way. He always takes them on her weekends for a coupe hours when she feels overwhelmed and i cant tell you the last time she returned the favor, or she will get the babysitter and make him pay half. its a very lopsided situation. he definately should have more spending money than he does but again thats not really my business until we share finances. Oy. This sounds EXACTLY like my XH. And you know what, OP? It never gets better. You will eventually take over the role of telling your BF (or if you get more involved, future DF/DH) how to deal with his X. This will cause contention and friction for the life of your relationship. Given how the X is with her phone calls, it's not likely to lessen even after the kids turn 18. And the financial stuff will also become a sticking point - especially if you mix finances (given the chance again, I would NOT mix finances with a SO ever again). OP - I was in your situation. Very, very, very similar. And my POV is that it will not improve. If this is already feeling like it's pushing you two apart, it will not get better. If anything, you need an uninvolved FOURTH party like a counselor to help you guys find a healthy balance. The way it is now is just going to look like possessive, jealous new GF trying to control him.
Boundary Problem Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Being the second spouse is not easy. But I sense you aren't comfortable with the role you are in. 1. You and your partner haven't converted him to using email or text communication with his ex. Why is that? My ex and I email about 3 times a day back and forth making sure arrangements are in place for our son and to make sure the other person is having an ok day and to communicate about lessons and messages from the teacher. Just because we are ex's doesn't mean we aren't still friends. 2. Are you genuinely interested in his kids and helping them and integrating them into your life? 3. You have opinions on how your partner and his ex deal with money, but you are going to "wait" before you bring up those issues. Wouldn't his child support obligations to his first family come ahead of a financial obligation to the two of you? Even if he is paying more than mandated, those are his children. Which brings me back to my original question. You are the second spouse. My impression is that it doesn't sit comfortably with you - to be honest. Hoping to change the existing situation doesn't sound realistic given the nature of the relationship between your partner and the mother of his children. Is this a role that you are comfortable in, given the situation "as is"?
hopesndreams Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 How long has he been your bf? Were you seeing him while he was still with the W or while he was separated?
Author justme2781 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 How long has he been your bf? Were you seeing him while he was still with the W or while he was separated? he was separated (which i didn't like, but my state has a separation requirement for divorce, i still was weary of it). we have been dating for 8 months. she was with her BF when they were married.
Author justme2781 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 I don't fault you. My wife left me for another man. I'm strugling to pay my mortgage & i'm giving her some money so my kids don't go without electricity. It sucks. It really does. I've got two women friends & the one tells me it isn't fair & complains how men are treated in situations like this. The other just seems to get annoyed that i'm giving her anything. This boggles my mind because usually women are up in arms if a man isn't supporting his children financially & both freinds don't think I should be giving her anything. I agree, taking care of your kids is one thing but i think some people take advantage of it. he is just so nice and he does anything. i think she is a litle jealous that he has a serious GF and that she cant have her cake and eat it too.
Author justme2781 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Being the second spouse is not easy. But I sense you aren't comfortable with the role you are in. 1. You and your partner haven't converted him to using email or text communication with his ex. Why is that? My ex and I email about 3 times a day back and forth making sure arrangements are in place for our son and to make sure the other person is having an ok day and to communicate about lessons and messages from the teacher. Just because we are ex's doesn't mean we aren't still friends. 2. Are you genuinely interested in his kids and helping them and integrating them into your life? 3. You have opinions on how your partner and his ex deal with money, but you are going to "wait" before you bring up those issues. Wouldn't his child support obligations to his first family come ahead of a financial obligation to the two of you? Even if he is paying more than mandated, those are his children. Which brings me back to my original question. You are the second spouse. My impression is that it doesn't sit comfortably with you - to be honest. Hoping to change the existing situation doesn't sound realistic given the nature of the relationship between your partner and the mother of his children. Is this a role that you are comfortable in, given the situation "as is"? They are his children, but if he is paying for half of the clothes etc, he should have a say in what is bought so they can both save money. he buys all high end stuff and quite frankly the amount designated is incredibly high and i cant imagine it all goes to them. she got their old house redone, the pool etc and claims that she has no money. while he is in an apartment and paying half of the debt she rang up. i have no problem in the world for him paying for his children, but he should see the receipts and have a say in what is bought with his money since they are in a joint custody agreement, i think he just keeps quiet to keep the peace. the guilting about them being his children is ridiculous, he takes care of them very well as he should, but that doesnt mean she should take advantage of him. This is not the ideal situation from me, i dont like being second, but he is perfect for me in every other way so i guess i have to take the good with the bad. when it comes to finances for me, he doesnt pay for anything of mine, i take him out, i have bought him clothes, but i do worry about a future when he is being taken advantage of.
Author justme2781 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 as for the relationship with his ex wife, it has changed . .they are divorced! lol. she has to get used to him not being around for her personally anymore. the kids are one thing, and they should be amicable for the kids sake. i feel awfly for them, when we started dating i asked him over and over and over if there was a chance they would reunite and i wanted him to try if there was for their sake, but there isnt. and there should be boundaries.
phineas Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I agree, taking care of your kids is one thing but i think some people take advantage of it. he is just so nice and he does anything. i think she is a litle jealous that he has a serious GF and that she cant have her cake and eat it too. My wife lately has been trying to find out if I have someone. I tell her nothing about me or my personal life. It's none of her business. I don't. just friends but the last time I had a friend over she called the damn house 5 times in 2 hrs for stupid reasons asking me stupid questions that have nothing to do with anything. My friend asked me if she always calls like that & it dawned on me. No, no she doesn't. I wonder if it had anything to do with a strange car in my driveway? Nothing to wonder about at all. Sound familiar?
Boundary Problem Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 This is not the ideal situation from me, i dont like being second, but he is perfect for me in every other way so i guess i have to take the good with the bad. when it comes to finances for me, he doesnt pay for anything of mine, i take him out, i have bought him clothes, but i do worry about a future when he is being taken advantage of. If you have to buy this man's clothes for him - how on earth would he be able to pay for your child(ren), should you choose to start your own family with him? Aren't we getting to the root of the problem here? There isn't enough left over for you, when it is all said and done, if the situation (and his way of dealing with conflict) stays "AS IS". And I can tell you this is a not an uncommon problem. The first family gets the lion's share of the fiscal lifestyle (based on the marital lifestyle) and the second family takes what is left over. That is the law in my jurisdiction, because the second family is a 'choice', the judges almost see the second family as a luxury item. I'm not saying that is right or wrong - it is reality. So - from the way you convey yourself - I sense this whole situation is rubbing you the wrong way. Oh - and he CHOOSES to deal with the situation this way. He hasn't fallen into this situation. So assume no changes are made - is this what you want out of your life? If you had children with him - how would you be any different than a single mother?
Author justme2781 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 he will need to clear up some of the marital debt before we think of having children he will then have extra income, and i am just starting my career and will make a lot more in the future, so i am not worried about affording another child. they didn't have a judge they just agreed on something together, but he is paying more than need be from their agreement. i buy him clothes because i want too, he doesn't like to shop. i am not worried about us financially, i just think he is being taken advantage of there is a difference, if in the future we share finances it will be a greater issue not because we cant make it but because its not right. he choses to not argue with her, but he has a new life now and i want to know what is appropriate, is anyone going to tell me that?? besides the one person who suggested the emails and texts, i may bring that up.
Author justme2781 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 also he didnt CHOOOSEEE any of this. he didnt want to break up his family. i am sure he isnt positive about how to deal with her, this is his first divorce! i just wanted advice on what is appropriate from people who may know more than i do.
Boundary Problem Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 You have all the information. You just don't like it. He will do anything to avoid conflict. It is a core part of his personality. You can't change his core personality. He doesn't make decisions the same way that you do. You cannot prop this man up to be something he isn't. He is what he is. He has accorded them a standard of living and I don't see a judge stripping it away. It is called "status quo". Take it or leave it. It sounds like you are going to infill financially (almost like being a single mother yourself) and constantly deal with her intrusions (which grate upon you). I'm not sure it is within you to constantly have to deal with mismanaged problems. You have a fighting spirit within you. You are a mere spectator in their divorce set-up and you are deluding yourself it you think you can "clean house" and get it properly set up if given the reins over time. It doesn't matter what "we" (People on the forum) think. Perhaps I agree with some/all the points you are making, maybe I don't. The bottom line is that he has made his choices and you have to decide if you can live with them 'as is'. He doesn't have the strength to take this mess on. He just doesn't.
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