IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I just wondered if for some reason her H became suspicious. Maybe she's had the similar thoughts running through her head.
JamesM Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I just wondered if for some reason her H became suspicious. Maybe she's had the similar thoughts running through her head. Or maybe she will contact him when he reaches town this weekend.
hollaballoo Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I'm of the impression that the best thing to do is tell your wife exactly how you feel, and it's gonna kill her to hear it but I guarantee she'd rather know that then have you cheat on her. Give her a chance. Not that she's lacking or anything, but let her know you're worried and you don't want to cheat. She might be really hurt at first but you can develop a plan together to revive the excitement. I think cheating happens in most marriages, but it doesn't mean it's not preventable. I think having those thoughts and emotions isn't where you're wrong, it's when you keep it a secret from your wife because by then you are emotionally cheating on her.
Author grampi Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Or maybe she will contact him when he reaches town this weekend. That's possible as she knows I'll be in the area this weekend.
Author grampi Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 I'm of the impression that the best thing to do is tell your wife exactly how you feel, and it's gonna kill her to hear it but I guarantee she'd rather know that then have you cheat on her. Give her a chance. Not that she's lacking or anything, but let her know you're worried and you don't want to cheat. She might be really hurt at first but you can develop a plan together to revive the excitement. I think cheating happens in most marriages, but it doesn't mean it's not preventable. I think having those thoughts and emotions isn't where you're wrong, it's when you keep it a secret from your wife because by then you are emotionally cheating on her. If I had been intimate with this woman, there would've been no way I could've gone without telling my wife. The guilt would been overwelming. As I've stated earlier, while many believe what I've done is emotional cheating, I do not. I wasn't in love with this woman. We spent time together socially at my friend's house one night, I saw her at her place of employment for roughly 10 minutes, and I spoke with her on the phone twice. That's it. Should I go running to my wife to tell her about having a dream about being with another woman? It doesn't happen often (it's happened maybe 2 or 3 times since we've been married). Or should I tell her I've been unfaithful every time I see an attractive woman on TV? How about when we're out in a resteraunt having dinner and I think our waitress is attractive? I suppose you could catagorize all of these things as emotional cheating as well. What I'm getting at is there's got to be an up side to telling her about something like this and I don't see one. All I see is a HUGE down side. It would make her distrust me while I'm away. I know the advice you give is generalized because none of you know my wife, but I do and I know nothing good would come from telling her about this. I think the best thing for me to do is to not tell her, never allow myself to get into another situation like this again, and put more effort into making my marriage more exciting. Then maybe, MAYBE, sometime down the road, after I've had a good amount of time to prove to myself and her that I've overcome this problem, I'll tell her. Telling her now is not a good idea.
JamesM Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 As I've stated earlier, while many believe what I've done is emotional cheating, I do not. I wasn't in love with this woman. We spent time together socially at my friend's house one night, I saw her at her place of employment for roughly 10 minutes, and I spoke with her on the phone twice. That's it. No, I do not think you need to tell your wife. Many people have a more intimate relationship with a coworker. And if we all revealed what is in our hearts when we look at other women (or women men), then very few marriages would survive. IMO you have not had a relationship with this woman. While you have told us what is in your heart, it appears that nothing has really happened based on what you tell us. BUT...as you know, you are on a precipice. What happens next will either be nothing...or you will have some nice stories for us to analyze and criticize you and perhaps even yell at you for. Now wouldn't you like to provide us with some "fun times?" Just kidding.
Author grampi Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 No, I do not think you need to tell your wife. Many people have a more intimate relationship with a coworker. And if we all revealed what is in our hearts when we look at other women (or women men), then very few marriages would survive. IMO you have not had a relationship with this woman. While you have told us what is in your heart, it appears that nothing has really happened based on what you tell us. BUT...as you know, you are on a precipice. What happens next will either be nothing...or you will have some nice stories for us to analyze and criticize you and perhaps even yell at you for. Now wouldn't you like to provide us with some "fun times?" Just kidding. No, actually I'd like to come back in this forum after this weekend is over and be able to say I ended it.
2sunny Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 i have to commend you grampi, you have been on the firing line here - and you never ran away. it is unusual (and i admire your perseverance) for a new poster to stick it out when folks are pointing out coulda, woulda, shoulda situations to someone new - and for them to stick around and interact with a group of people who want the best for the end result - even though reality is hard to face. your integrity shows throughout your posts despite your admission to temptation with this new woman. in long term marriages we all have moments of being tempted, i'm just glad you had the good sense to come here and be honest about where that temptation could have taken you. to do the right thing in life is hard when faced with such a pull of chemistry, and much to be admired. my hope for you is that you can now find that same spark with your wife that you once had - for a happy and fulfilled marriage. if that was accomplished then this whole thread will be worth the while of a little temptation turned around into something that you learn from - thus bringing an ideal outcome from a little mishap.
Author grampi Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 i have to commend you grampi, you have been on the firing line here - and you never ran away. it is unusual (and i admire your perseverance) for a new poster to stick it out when folks are pointing out coulda, woulda, shoulda situations to someone new - and for them to stick around and interact with a group of people who want the best for the end result - even though reality is hard to face. your integrity shows throughout your posts despite your admission to temptation with this new woman. in long term marriages we all have moments of being tempted, i'm just glad you had the good sense to come here and be honest about where that temptation could have taken you. to do the right thing in life is hard when faced with such a pull of chemistry, and much to be admired. my hope for you is that you can now find that same spark with your wife that you once had - for a happy and fulfilled marriage. if that was accomplished then this whole thread will be worth the while of a little temptation turned around into something that you learn from - thus bringing an ideal outcome from a little mishap. I appreciated the kind words, and why should I flee from the site? While some have been harsh on me (I deserved most of it), I did get a lot of good advice in here. I might as well be candid and let you all know how this turns out. That's the least I can do after 11 or so pages worth of posts.
2sunny Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I appreciated the kind words, and why should I flee from the site? While some have been harsh on me (I deserved most of it), I did get a lot of good advice in here. I might as well be candid and let you all know how this turns out. That's the least I can do after 11 or so pages worth of posts. after years of being here - the norm is for posters to run from the reality and never post here again. or they get so angry if someone points out the possibilities that could be considered for healthy growth - that they don't return. any new perspective hurts - or is painful or difficult to admit - much less to take action with it all... to give consideration for personal growth takes courage and strength - especially when coupled with temptation on your back. stay strong and thanks for the updates!
RedDevil66 Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 If I had been intimate with this woman, there would've been no way I could've gone without telling my wife. The guilt would been overwelming. As I've stated earlier, while many believe what I've done is emotional cheating, I do not. I wasn't in love with this woman. We spent time together socially at my friend's house one night, I saw her at her place of employment for roughly 10 minutes, and I spoke with her on the phone twice. That's it. Should I go running to my wife to tell her about having a dream about being with another woman? It doesn't happen often (it's happened maybe 2 or 3 times since we've been married). Or should I tell her I've been unfaithful every time I see an attractive woman on TV? How about when we're out in a resteraunt having dinner and I think our waitress is attractive? I suppose you could catagorize all of these things as emotional cheating as well. What I'm getting at is there's got to be an up side to telling her about something like this and I don't see one. All I see is a HUGE down side. It would make her distrust me while I'm away. I know the advice you give is generalized because none of you know my wife, but I do and I know nothing good would come from telling her about this. I think the best thing for me to do is to not tell her, never allow myself to get into another situation like this again, and put more effort into making my marriage more exciting. Then maybe, MAYBE, sometime down the road, after I've had a good amount of time to prove to myself and her that I've overcome this problem, I'll tell her. Telling her now is not a good idea. Gramps, I'm on your side with this one, I really am, but the part I bolded above makes no sense. If this was all the contact you had with her, then why were you so adamant about "breaking it off" with her in person. What was there to break off? Maybe that's why she never called because this was just a little flirting and you took it as so much more?! Please don't take this wrong, I'm just trying to understand where you're coming from And no, if this is all the contact there was, no need to tell your wife. But if the contact was intimate in any way, I think you need to tell her.
Author grampi Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 I'm sorry to report (to those of you who were hoping for a big, dramatic ending) the OW never called, so it goes without saying there was no meeting. That's it, it's over....just like that. In fact, just to eliminate the open ended thing, if she even tries to call me I won't answer the call. That's about as final as it gets.
Lizzie60 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Good.. I was hoping she wouldn't call... :bunny::bunny:
jerseyboy Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Count yourself lucky Usually it ends just after the guy has completely screwed up his marriage. Put those feelings and energy into romancing your wife some.
LostInLA Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Glad to hear how things have played out. Apologies for seeming harsh, but my intention was only for the best for your marriage.
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