2sunny Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Likely to end? That's funny. It will end, just not by me not answering her call, and I've explained many times why. are you a man that is always so focused in on specific words and a firm stance that you don't address the obvious and consider alternative solutions? or even the bigger picture of the problem? i was merely trying to point out alternatives given the change of her not calling. heck, she may never call - but you are still sitting with a big issue if she doesn't. i think the main issue has been completely clouded by your expertise in avoiding certain questions asked throughout the thread. YOU have a BIG issue in your marriage - and YOU are avoiding addressing the real issue. are you a man that is willing to face that fact? and try to work through what would have caused such a faithful man for many years to even consider such a scenario as having another woman? if you're not willing to get to the bottom of why - you will surely find another alternative woman to be interested in.
Author grampi Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 are you a man that is always so focused in on specific words and a firm stance that you don't address the obvious and consider alternative solutions? or even the bigger picture of the problem? i was merely trying to point out alternatives given the change of her not calling. heck, she may never call - but you are still sitting with a big issue if she doesn't. i think the main issue has been completely clouded by your expertise in avoiding certain questions asked throughout the thread. YOU have a BIG issue in your marriage - and YOU are avoiding addressing the real issue. are you a man that is willing to face that fact? and try to work through what would have caused such a faithful man for many years to even consider such a scenario as having another woman? if you're not willing to get to the bottom of why - you will surely find another alternative woman to be interested in. I know exactly what caused this, it's called being married for 23 years and then having a different, attractive, younger woman showing interest in me. It's not a new concept and I'm not the only guy this has happened to. I also know what I need to do to address the issue with my marriage. It's called never allowing to let this happen again, and putting more effort into making my marriage more interesting and exciting. And if the OW never calls me again, this issue is over.
2sunny Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I know exactly what caused this, it's called being married for 23 years and then having a different, attractive, younger woman showing interest in me. It's not a new concept and I'm not the only guy this has happened to. I also know what I need to do to address the issue with my marriage. It's called never allowing to let this happen again, and putting more effort into making my marriage more interesting and exciting. And if the OW never calls me again, this issue is over. no, this is not why, and that is why i pointed out that you are missing the bigger picture - a piece of the puzzle is missing and you aren't even interested in finding it... so it is likely to happen again at some point. i was married 20 years... to a very attractive man. i too, am considered very attractive and extremely sexy. even though i never prompted it - men ALWAYS came on to me - and i NEVER for one minute considered their advances, never. your perception of this is skewed, i would only hope that you find a way to address the issue of WHY you even considered this OW. counseling can help - or if you are willing to be honest here - many great folks can walk you through a variety of reasons why this may have happened and how to change your perspective and actions to get the marriage back on steady ground.
hopeless4u Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Hi Grampi, I'm the OW and have been for 2 yrs, please, please, please do not take this any further. My MM had troubles in his M when we met, it sounds to me that your's is just a bit stale...that can be fixed so long as you stop now. How I wish now that my MM had taken responsibility at the beginning, its to late for us now to just 'walk away' but its not for you. Good Luck x
Author grampi Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 no, this is not why, and that is why i pointed out that you are missing the bigger picture - a piece of the puzzle is missing and you aren't even interested in finding it... so it is likely to happen again at some point. i was married 20 years... to a very attractive man. i too, am considered very attractive and extremely sexy. even though i never prompted it - men ALWAYS came on to me - and i NEVER for one minute considered their advances, never. your perception of this is skewed, i would only hope that you find a way to address the issue of WHY you even considered this OW. counseling can help - or if you are willing to be honest here - many great folks can walk you through a variety of reasons why this may have happened and how to change your perspective and actions to get the marriage back on steady ground. You're over-analyzing my situation and reading way too much into it. There is no deep seeded problem with my marriage. I got high by the attraction of another woman which temporarily made me lose focus of what's really important in my life. The high is over and my focus is back where it should be. It really is that simple.
JamesM Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I got high by the attraction of another woman which temporarily made me lose focus of what's really important in my life. The high is over and my focus is back where it should be. It really is that simple. And I agree. I have had a high similar to this a number of times. Most of the time the other lady never knew how much I appreciated being in her presence. On or two times, I could feel that a little push on my end could yield some unhealthy results. What I noticed every time is that being in the presence of the lady with whom I had the high, brought that high back even though when I was away from her, I just knew nothing would ever happen. Crazy how those knees were weak again. Point is...keep the resolve strong when with her. That is when the high will return. That is when the desire for that high to keep repeating can overtake even the best of intentions. Being close to you in age and being married for almost twenty years and desiring to have a passionate sex life back...I truly understand. If I were you, then I would want to meet again, too, but I am afraid that with me, it would be for two reasons: 1. Experience that high even if only slightly...and 2. Be certain that we left on good terms so that in the future...who knows what might happen. Best thing to do is...somehow contact her without having a meeting that could even possibly turn intimate. And by intimate, I mean not just physical but also where an emotional bond can be nurtured to life again.
2sunny Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 You're over-analyzing my situation and reading way too much into it. There is no deep seeded problem with my marriage. I got high by the attraction of another woman which temporarily made me lose focus of what's really important in my life. The high is over and my focus is back where it should be. It really is that simple. okey dokey then, good luck with it all... you seem to have it all worked out.
Author grampi Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 And I agree. I have had a high similar to this a number of times. Most of the time the other lady never knew how much I appreciated being in her presence. On or two times, I could feel that a little push on my end could yield some unhealthy results. What I noticed every time is that being in the presence of the lady with whom I had the high, brought that high back even though when I was away from her, I just knew nothing would ever happen. Crazy how those knees were weak again. Point is...keep the resolve strong when with her. That is when the high will return. That is when the desire for that high to keep repeating can overtake even the best of intentions. Being close to you in age and being married for almost twenty years and desiring to have a passionate sex life back...I truly understand. If I were you, then I would want to meet again, too, but I am afraid that with me, it would be for two reasons: 1. Experience that high even if only slightly...and 2. Be certain that we left on good terms so that in the future...who knows what might happen. Best thing to do is...somehow contact her without having a meeting that could even possibly turn intimate. And by intimate, I mean not just physical but also where an emotional bond can be nurtured to life again. I'm not at all interested in any type of a future with this woman, leaving on good terms yes, but a possible future, no way.
JamesM Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I'm not at all interested in any type of a future with this woman, leaving on good terms yes, but a possible future, no way. I believe you. After this many posts on your thread, I think you will probably not allow yourself to contemplate anything with her if you meet her either, but still...why place your self by the fire if you do not want to get hot...or burned?
Ms. Joolie Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 There is no deep seeded problem with my marriage. I got high by the attraction of another woman which temporarily made me lose focus of what's really important in my life. The high is over and my focus is back where it should be. It really is that simple. Good to hear! And of course you are not alone... not that I know personally, but it is a common problem heard about. And then you'll look back and be proud of keeping your marriage in place, and the man that you are. I do know an excellent professor blogger friend, and she confesses to having had to deal with the urge to have extramarital affairs when she was younger. (she's about 70 yrs) And she is a brilliant and accomplished woman, with strong values, one of the people I admire most. It just happens. You either give in or not, and it only shows what you value, that's it. ahhhh.... life!
Author grampi Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 I believe you. After this many posts on your thread, I think you will probably not allow yourself to contemplate anything with her if you meet her either, but still...why place your self by the fire if you do not want to get hot...or burned? It's looking more and more like meeting with her in person to break it off isn't going to happen. She still hasn't called.
The Way I Am Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) I say I want to end this with her in person and I'm criticized. I say I'm fine with it if she just stops calling me and it ends that way and I'm critcized for that. You people need to make up your minds. It's going to end one way or another, but apparently to you people there is no right way of doing it and I'm going to get critcized no matter how it's done. I think those responses are because your logic itself is a circular. You want to end it old school and see her in person. You say you're unwavering and there will be no danger in meeting face to face. Then you say if she ends it by no contact, that's "safer". If what you said first is true, what's "safer" about it? I say this genuinely and without judgment, because I hope that you'll see it yourself: Your argument is full of holes. While it's not important that your argument make sense to us, it is important to make sure that those holes aren't an indication that you're fooling yourself. (I'm not saying that they are. I'm just saying that's something you should think about. Don't just assume "I'm a strong person." You've already discovered that you're not as strong as you once thought you were by letting this women in as much as you have. You were strong enough to stop it before it went too far (kudos for that), but a year ago, would you have believed you were strong enough to resist any sort of temptation?) I totally agree with you on the idea that if she doesn't call, you should leave it at that. It seems a bit silly to call someone just to tell them not to call you again, no? Also, if she does call, I still stick to the advice that you should handle things how your wife would want you to. I don't say that with any judgment or preconceived notions in mind. I don't know what your wife would want, as I've never met her. Some women/wives (though I imagine very, very, very few) might agree with you on what the best way to handle it is. However, if you took that suggestion as an attack or as an argument against going to see the OW in person (instead of a suggestion to reflect on the matter), that itself might be indicative that you know how your wife would want you to act, and it's not the way you've chosen. I'm sorry if you see anything I've written here as berating or judgmental. All I'm trying to do is offer you suggestions to help you decide how to handle your situation and not make a mistake. I have great respect for the fact that you've decided to end things before they got out of hand. I just fear that the way you've decided to end it isn't "safe". If you believe it is, I hope you're right. Here's hoping she doesn't call! Edited November 18, 2009 by The Way I Am
Author grampi Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 I don't think she's going to call me again. I think she would've by now if she was going to. The longer it goes without hearing from her, the more disinterested I become. In fact at this point my desire to meet with her in person to end it has even vanished. If she calls again I will end it over the phone, but I really don't think she's going to call. I guess what would be really wierd is if she completely forgot about me, and then 2 or 3 months down the road she comes across my phone number and calls. My response to that would probably be something like "why are you calling me now?" I guess that's the only real down side to just letting it end with NC as there would then be no official ending of the situation. I'm not real crazy about that.
Author grampi Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 Is she married also Grampi? Yes she is.
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 It's looking more and more like meeting with her in person to break it off isn't going to happen. She still hasn't called And honestly, how does that make you feel? Anxious, worried, concerned? Sad? Angry? Relieved? Wondering why she hasn't called you? I just ask what kind of emotion do you feel about this.
Phateless Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I don't think she's going to call me again. I think she would've by now if she was going to. The longer it goes without hearing from her, the more disinterested I become. In fact at this point my desire to meet with her in person to end it has even vanished. If she calls again I will end it over the phone, but I really don't think she's going to call. I guess what would be really wierd is if she completely forgot about me, and then 2 or 3 months down the road she comes across my phone number and calls. My response to that would probably be something like "why are you calling me now?" I guess that's the only real down side to just letting it end with NC as there would then be no official ending of the situation. I'm not real crazy about that. Dude, you only wanted to see her for your own benefit. This is a good turn. Just let this whole thing go.
Author grampi Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 And honestly, how does that make you feel? Anxious, worried, concerned? Sad? Angry? Relieved? Wondering why she hasn't called you? I just ask what kind of emotion do you feel about this. A little uneasy, simply without officially ending it, it kind of still leaves the situation open ended. That's not how I wanted to leave it, but if she doesn't call I guess that's how it ends.
littlebittle Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 What if you just emailed her and said something like, "Hey, I haven't heard from you in awhile and I think that is a good thing. I didn't want things between us to go any further and hopefully you feel the same way. I love my wife and she is the person who I want to be with. It was nice knowing you." I don't know, but in your own words. That way you're shutting it down yourself and you don't have to worry about this popping up somewhere down the road. You could also just call her and say it. Not a big deal.
GorillaTheater Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 What if you just emailed her and said something like, "Hey, I haven't heard from you in awhile and I think that is a good thing. I didn't want things between us to go any further and hopefully you feel the same way. I love my wife and she is the person who I want to be with. It was nice knowing you." I don't know, but in your own words. That way you're shutting it down yourself and you don't have to worry about this popping up somewhere down the road. You could also just call her and say it. Not a big deal. <puts on lawyer hat> Never send an email or text that you wouldn't want to see on the front page of the local paper. You want it to end. Apparently, so does she. All is well (other than figuring out how you got off track). Just leave it alone. I understand "old school"; that's how I consider myself as well. But I also understand that you don't poke a snake with a stick.
Phateless Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 What if you just emailed her and said something like, "Hey, I haven't heard from you in awhile and I think that is a good thing. I didn't want things between us to go any further and hopefully you feel the same way. I love my wife and she is the person who I want to be with. It was nice knowing you." I don't know, but in your own words. That way you're shutting it down yourself and you don't have to worry about this popping up somewhere down the road. You could also just call her and say it. Not a big deal. That's GUARANTEED to restart communication and cause drama. Terrible move. Just leave it alone, go NC.
CarrieT Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 What if you just emailed He's already told us that he does not have her email address.
littlebittle Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 ha, sorry, i didn't really pay attention to the 90 pages in this post or whatever. yeah, or he could not contact her. it was just an idea, since he seems so concerned about it. whatevs, i don't care.
2sunny Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 anything in writing is risky for two reasons (at least)... she could potentially show it to someone else - even if it's years down the road. someone could easily end up seeing it besides her - if anyone else has access to her email account. this is always a risk - and not worth taking. i think letting it go is the best way at this point. obviously something has changed on her end as well that has her thinking that meeting isn't a good plan, otherwise she would have found a way to reach you. i just hope it doesn't mean that her husband found out you were both communicating to some degree and shut the whole thing down - it happens! i recommend looking into WHY this was a consideration for you in the first place. this will help you never to give this scenario consideration again in the future... and to possibly find in depth ways to reconnect with your wife, so that the intimacy and passion can be re-established.
Author grampi Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 anything in writing is risky for two reasons (at least)... she could potentially show it to someone else - even if it's years down the road. someone could easily end up seeing it besides her - if anyone else has access to her email account. this is always a risk - and not worth taking. i think letting it go is the best way at this point. obviously something has changed on her end as well that has her thinking that meeting isn't a good plan, otherwise she would have found a way to reach you. i just hope it doesn't mean that her husband found out you were both communicating to some degree and shut the whole thing down - it happens! i recommend looking into WHY this was a consideration for you in the first place. this will help you never to give this scenario consideration again in the future... and to possibly find in depth ways to reconnect with your wife, so that the intimacy and passion can be re-established. As I stated earlier, if she doesn't call me, there will be no more contact between the two of us......period. I will not try to contact her.
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