whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 This new information does change things..Alot. So this isn't a single OW who has fallen for you, in hopes to have you one day.. SHE is married just like you so with that being said.. DO NOT MEET HER PERSON. End it by phone next time she calls. I said it, sadintexas has said it and so have others.. You are giving this MW (married wife) MORE respect and care than your own wife. I hope this is the case as this would certainly be a much easier (and safer) ending than having to meet with her again. Then why on earth did you say you wanted to end it person if you KNOW that it would be easier and safer to do it by phone? I hope now you see that it is an emotional affair. And, that I wasn't judging you, neither is anyone else. We were and still are harsh because you do have blinders on and honestly, I think deep down you know what's what, but can't admit to yourself, let alone to anyone here. And that's OK you owe us nothing, but you DO owe yourself and especially your wife honesty.
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 She does know that I will be back in her area this weekend though and I suppose she could still call me sometime this week. Here's to hoping she won't. OK, this doesn't make sense, unless what lizzie said is true, your ego is hurt because she has some power here and you thought YOU would be the bigger and stronger one to end it (first).. Not to be the dumper.. Just a question and if want to answer, thanks and if not, that's OK too... You say she can call you but you can't call her. Why can she call you? Aren't you worried about your wife? And, yes, another bit of proof for you so you can see that this friendship wasn't just a friendship..Because if it was, there would be no problem with you calling her if her H was nearby. Emotional affair..
Author grampi Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 I have stated many times that I'm fully aware of my mistake. Whether she's married or not is irrelevent. Wrong is wrong and I'm working to right things. Continuing to berate me for my mistake at this stage of the discussion is pointless. Can we stop beating the dead horse now?
Author grampi Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 OK, this doesn't make sense, unless what lizzie said is true, your ego is hurt because she has some power here and you thought YOU would be the bigger and stronger one to end it (first).. Not to be the dumper.. Just a question and if want to answer, thanks and if not, that's OK too... You say she can call you but you can't call her. Why can she call you? Aren't you worried about your wife? And, yes, another bit of proof for you so you can see that this friendship wasn't just a friendship..Because if it was, there would be no problem with you calling her if her H was nearby. Emotional affair.. The reason the calling arrangement was made like it was is because she is with her husband every night, while I live alone in an apartment during the week (my job requires me to be away from home during the week). Therefore I can accept her calls basically anytime during the week, while she cannot accept mine. As far as this being an ego thing, wouldn't I WANT her to keep calling me so I could be the one breaking it off if my ego was a concern? I believe the fact that I'm hoping she DOESN'T call me proves it's not an ego thing. And can any of you people make up your minds? You berate me for saying I want to end it person and you tell me to just cut off all contact with her, then when I say I hope she doesn't call me anymore, you berate me for not wanting to deal with the issue. You're all talking in circles.
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I have stated many times that I'm fully aware of my mistake. Whether she's married or not is irrelevent. Wrong is wrong and I'm working to right things. Continuing to berate me for my mistake at this stage of the discussion is pointless. Can we stop beating the dead horse now? You're right..And I'm sorry that I've been harsh with you. The thing is, why wouldn't see call you again? Unless the last time you two talked or saw eachother things got weird. And yes, it would be good if she just disppeared and it was just "done", but I highly doubt that's going to happen because in these types of situations, people need to have some sort of closure. Even though it ending has to happen because you're married, she's married, for some reason one or both parties reach out to have that 'last conversation' to start the closure/grieving/healing process. while I live alone in an apartment during the week (my job requires me to be away from home during the week How are you going to keep yourself busy and focussed on your wife and marriage if you're apart from her all week? What is going to fill in that hole that the MW left? I just say this because you're used to that extra zing in your life and you will more than likely miss her and have some sort of withdrawal.
sumdude Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 (edited) And can any of you people make up your minds? You berate me for saying I want to end it person and you tell me to just cut off all contact with her, then when I say I hope she doesn't call me anymore, you berate me for not wanting to deal with the issue. You're all talking in circles. Because we want you to man up and make the call. Tell her that it's all over and you won't be in contact anymore. Otherwise you're being passive, hoping she'll it do, hoping it'll just go away by itself or... something else. Spade's a spade anyway you look at it. Edited November 17, 2009 by sumdude
Author grampi Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Because we want you to man up and make the call. Tell her that it's all over and you won't be in contact anymore. Otherwise you're being passive, hoping she'll it do, hoping it'll just go away by itself or... something else. Spade's a spade anyway you look at it. I say I want to end this with her in person and I'm criticized. I say I'm fine with it if she just stops calling me and it ends that way and I'm critcized for that. You people need to make up your minds. It's going to end one way or another, but apparently to you people there is no right way of doing it and I'm going to get critcized no matter how it's done.
sumdude Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I say I want to end this with her in person and I'm criticized. I say I'm fine with it if she just stops calling me and it ends that way and I'm critcized for that. You people need to make up your minds. It's going to end one way or another, but apparently to you people there is no right way of doing it and I'm going to get critcized no matter how it's done. The consensus here has been pretty consistent. A face to face meeting.. bad idea. A phone call or other sort of clear message from you to her.. good idea. Situations like this bring a lot of emotions to the surface. People here have been burned at times. So you're going to get a few radical responses from some folks. You are also emotional about this and understandably so. Otherwise you wouldn't be so defensive. I really do wish you well and hope you get past this confusing chapter of life to find contentment and a renewal of your marriage.
Author grampi Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 You're right..And I'm sorry that I've been harsh with you. The thing is, why wouldn't see call you again? Unless the last time you two talked or saw eachother things got weird. And yes, it would be good if she just disppeared and it was just "done", but I highly doubt that's going to happen because in these types of situations, people need to have some sort of closure. Even though it ending has to happen because you're married, she's married, for some reason one or both parties reach out to have that 'last conversation' to start the closure/grieving/healing process. How are you going to keep yourself busy and focussed on your wife and marriage if you're apart from her all week? What is going to fill in that hole that the MW left? I just say this because you're used to that extra zing in your life and you will more than likely miss her and have some sort of withdrawal. I don't know why she wouldn't call me again, but I do know she said she was going to call me last night and she didn't. Maybe she had a change of heart? There was no wierd or unpleasant conversation between us, so I don't know why she didn't call. Maybe she simply couldn't. I just don't know. As far as my wife and I being apart during the week, there isn't much I can do about that if I want to keep my job and as much as I make, I couldn't replace this job with another that pays as well. We're trying to sell our house so we can move to this area, but the poor housing market is killing us and we aren't having much luck with that. I agree, things will be much better for us as a couple once we do get moved in here.
Author grampi Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 The consensus here has been pretty consistent. A face to face meeting.. bad idea. A phone call or other sort of clear message from you to her.. good idea. Situations like this bring a lot of emotions to the surface. People here have been burned at times. So you're going to get a few radical responses from some folks. You are also emotional about this and understandably so. Otherwise you wouldn't be so defensive. I really do wish you well and hope you get past this confusing chapter of life to find contentment and a renewal of your marriage. And as I have told these people over and over and again, while they believe me ending this in person is the wrong way of doing it, I disagree. It started in person, it'll end in person, unless of course she just stops calling me then it'll end by virtue of there being no more contact between us.
JamesM Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 And as I have told these people over and over and again, while they believe me ending this in person is the wrong way of doing it, I disagree. It started in person, it'll end in person, unless of course she just stops calling me then it'll end by virtue of there being no more contact between us. And you may be right. For me personally, I know that ending it in person could easily lead me into delaying the end of the "relationship." In fact, meeting her in person may just lead to a conversation over coffee to catch up...and then who knows? Why must she be the one to end it with NC? Why can she get away with that? Won't you then persuade her to meet you face to face? And if not, why don't you think it is just as possible she is hoping that YOU don't meet her as she wants this to end before it starts? BTW, today at lunch as I was driving, I saw an interesting sign and I thought of you...and many of us here on LS. "Bad Decisions lead to Good Stories." So let us know what you do and what happens. And please do not be afraid to tell us if you did not end it. Oddly enough even with all of the criticism you (and many of us) endure), I think you will find that much of the advice is actually given with the best of intentions. I am always amazed at how many people here begin caring about each other based on simply reading each other's life stories...both the successes and the failures.
Author grampi Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 And you may be right. For me personally, I know that ending it in person could easily lead me into delaying the end of the "relationship." In fact, meeting her in person may just lead to a conversation over coffee to catch up...and then who knows? Why must she be the one to end it with NC? Why can she get away with that? Won't you then persuade her to meet you face to face? And if not, why don't you think it is just as possible she is hoping that YOU don't meet her as she wants this to end before it starts? BTW, today at lunch as I was driving, I saw an interesting sign and I thought of you...and many of us here on LS. "Bad Decisions lead to Good Stories." So let us know what you do and what happens. And please do not be afraid to tell us if you did not end it. Oddly enough even with all of the criticism you (and many of us) endure), I think you will find that much of the advice is actually given with the best of intentions. I am always amazed at how many people here begin caring about each other based on simply reading each other's life stories...both the successes and the failures. You said "why must she be the one to end it with NC?" What's NC?
BellaLeigh Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 The fact that you are even considering and trying to rationalize cheating on your wife is ludicrous.[/sIZE You need to consider all of the time you have invested in your wife and your family. Is that really worth throwing away? It’s not just your wife that you have to think about. There is a good chance your kids would lose a great deal of respect for you and never look at you the same. Also, people always want what they can’t have. You don’t know this girl, you don’t know her history, her morals, or if you would get anything out of it than an easy lay. I know this may sound harsh but it’s true. You stand to lose far more than you would gain and after the fun is over you will be the one left alone looking like a jack a$$. If you aren’t happy with your wife and don’t want to be with her that’s one thing. Get a divorce and move on with your life but that doesn’t sound like the case. It sounds like you just want to have some tryst with a random. There is an easy solution to the problem, remove yourself from the situation, you are a grown adult man. If you are thinking about it and debating over it you know it’s not right and wouldn’t be in your best interest. So end contact with the woman and do not put yourself in situations where you will be around her. It’s very simple if you don’t want to smell like $hit don’t step in it.
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 It started in person, it'll end in person, unless of course she just stops calling me then it'll end by virtue of there being no more contact between us. So if she calls, you still plan on meeting her? What changed your mind from the above to the below? I hope this is the case as this would certainly be a much easier (and safer) ending than having to meet with her again. Since you ARE aware it would be easier and safer to end it without seeing her, they why the notion that you are still going to see her face to face to end it? STAY STRONG, man. Don't waiver.
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 It sounds like you just want to have some tryst with a random. You need to read the full thread. It isn't just about the sex (that didn't and won't happen) it's about the fact he let himself become emotionally invested and attached to another (married) woman who is NOT his wife. If he wanted to just have sex, that would have happened already. It hasn't and he's doing what he can to prevent it. (Being funny here - grampi don't see her, talk by phone, safer,wiser..)
Author grampi Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 The fact that you are even considering and trying to rationalize cheating on your wife is ludicrous.[/sIZE You need to consider all of the time you have invested in your wife and your family. Is that really worth throwing away? It’s not just your wife that you have to think about. There is a good chance your kids would lose a great deal of respect for you and never look at you the same. Also, people always want what they can’t have. You don’t know this girl, you don’t know her history, her morals, or if you would get anything out of it than an easy lay. I know this may sound harsh but it’s true. You stand to lose far more than you would gain and after the fun is over you will be the one left alone looking like a jack a$$. If you aren’t happy with your wife and don’t want to be with her that’s one thing. Get a divorce and move on with your life but that doesn’t sound like the case. It sounds like you just want to have some tryst with a random. There is an easy solution to the problem, remove yourself from the situation, you are a grown adult man. If you are thinking about it and debating over it you know it’s not right and wouldn’t be in your best interest. So end contact with the woman and do not put yourself in situations where you will be around her. It’s very simple if you don’t want to smell like $hit don’t step in it. Please keep up with the conversation. I know I've made a mistake, I know I don't want to ruin my marriage, I'm no longer debating about what I'm going to do (I know what I'm going to do), and I'm I know how I'm going to do it.
Author grampi Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 So if she calls, you still plan on meeting her? What changed your mind from the above to the below? Since you ARE aware it would be easier and safer to end it without seeing her, they why the notion that you are still going to see her face to face to end it? STAY STRONG, man. Don't waiver. Nothing has changed my mind. The difference here is all logistics. I have no means of initiating contact with her. I can't call her, I sure as hell wouldn't go to her home, and since she didn't give me an email address I'm assuming she either doesn't want me to have it or she doesn't have access to a computer. So basically if she doesn't call me, I have no way of talking to her. If she does call me and wants to end it over the phone herself, I will respect her wishes. If she wants to see me again, I will end it in person. And I am strong, not waivering at all.
VeveCakes Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Denial. It ain't just a river in Egypt! Jesus pick up the phone and call her. Guy answers: "hi is so-and-so there" Girl answers: "Hi, it's grampi. I made a mistake. Please do not contact me, this is over. No argument." Hang up. Done and done. Her husband is not going to know who it is, it could be anybody calling for her. Quit making excuses and get outta the river!!!!
Author grampi Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Denial. It ain't just a river in Egypt! Jesus pick up the phone and call her. Guy answers: "hi is so-and-so there" Girl answers: "Hi, it's grampi. I made a mistake. Please do not contact me, this is over. No argument." Hang up. Done and done. Her husband is not going to know who it is, it could be anybody calling for her. Quit making excuses and get outta the river!!!! Ah, no. It ain't going down that way.
VeveCakes Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Ah, no. It ain't going down that way. and why not? Seriously.....this isn't a game. It's your life. Delaying it gives each minute another minute closer until your wife finds out.
Author grampi Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 and why not? Seriously.....this isn't a game. It's your life. Delaying it gives each minute another minute closer until your wife finds out. I know it's not a game, and while I may not have known what I was doing when I got into this mess, I certainly do now.
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2492238#post2492238 Just have a little read, it'll confirm even MORE that you are doing the right thing by ending it with the MW. It's NS7 (notsure7)'s update.
2sunny Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 can we consider plan B? IF she calls at this point - what is so bad about just not answering her call - ever? that is also an easy way to end this thing that is likely to end now anyway... so, i think no contact is an easy solution to the matter at hand.
Author grampi Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 can we consider plan B? IF she calls at this point - what is so bad about just not answering her call - ever? that is also an easy way to end this thing that is likely to end now anyway... so, i think no contact is an easy solution to the matter at hand. Likely to end? That's funny. It will end, just not by me not answering her call, and I've explained many times why.
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