LostInLA Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I agree, men don't like it when women tell them what to do. However, women don't like it when their man sets up a meeting with another woman to "dump" her.
littlebittle Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 people really project around here, don't take it personally. do what you need to do, just be honest with yourself. be aware of any weaknesses you might have. i think it's kind of you to let down this woman in person. it's certainly not an ideal situation for anyone involved, and your priority should be your family and your wife. but this other woman is a human being with real feelings, and she deserves respect too. maybe meet in a public place? like a coffee shop or something. good luck. you seem like a good man, and i believe that you'll do the right thing.
Jersey Shortie Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 You know what? I'm done with you judgemental people looking down at me because you think you're perfect. I've got news for you, you're not. And for those of you doling out advice who clearly have never delt with a situation like this, shame on you! You can take your holier-than-thou attitudes and shove them where the sun don't shine. I hate to break it to you but you AREN'T any better than I am! I don't care what any of you say, I have NOT cheated and I'm not going to. I'm also going to end it the way of my choice, so you might as well quit putting unnecessary wear and tear on your keyboards by telling me to end it over the phone because it ain't gonna happen that way. I will end it in person, and it'll be done politely and tactfully. If she crys, she crys. If she wants a hug or a kiss I'll just tell her sorry, but no. If she tries to contact me after I end it, I won't respond. Now if you'd like to respond to this thread WITHOUT being judgemental and/or thinking you're better than me then I will consider your opinion. Otherwise you're wasting your time. Is your little tantrum done now? I'm glad you are giving more respect to the woman who was ready to cheat on your family with her by ending it in person, "politely and tactfully", then respecting your own wife and family. It's ironic that even at this point, you are still more concerend with respect, politeness and tact towards the other women then you are with your own family. Lets not call a spade a heart. You want one last final meeting with her. That's not respect, being polite or tact.
RedDevil66 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 You know what confuses me, is how some of you are in here are tearing this guy apart when he already confirmed he will not cheat, yet some of these same people go easy on the OW/OM in some of the other threads. It's all fine and dandy, but dish out the same "hecK' to the other posters who are ACTUALLY cheaters! Seems like the cheating women get a lot more sympathy. Guess what, male or female, cheaters are low lives! Good for you Grampi for not taking this further. We are all human and have urges, what separates us from animals is we have the cognitive thoughts process to make healthy choices.
Author grampi Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 It's ironic that even at this point, you are still more concerend with respect, politeness and tact towards the other women then you are with your own family. If that were true I wouldn't be breaking it off.
Author grampi Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 I agree, men don't like it when women tell them what to do. However, women don't like it when their man sets up a meeting with another woman to "dump" her. Being a little judgemental are we?
Author grampi Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) You know what confuses me, is how some of you are in here are tearing this guy apart when he already confirmed he will not cheat, yet some of these same people go easy on the OW/OM in some of the other threads. It's all fine and dandy, but dish out the same "hecK' to the other posters who are ACTUALLY cheaters! Seems like the cheating women get a lot more sympathy. Guess what, male or female, cheaters are low lives! Good for you Grampi for not taking this further. We are all human and have urges, what separates us from animals is we have the cognitive thoughts process to make healthy choices. Finally, someone with a little common sense! I'm getting raked over the coals in here and for what? I STARTED to head down the wrong path then realized I was going the wrong way before it was too late and I'm being treated as though I'm a multiple time chronic cheater. The only thing I can figure is these people all truely believe they are saints who never, ever do anything wrong and that gives them the right to sit all high and mighty on their pedistals and judge me. I feel sorry for them. Edited November 16, 2009 by grampi
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 You've got it wrong honey! Its the fact that you haven't cheated (physically) yet that has everyone reacting so strongly. If you had it would be a moot point.. I realize that you don't know the stories of the people who have posted but they come from all sides of the fence, married people who have cheated, people who have been the OW or OM, and people who have been cheated on. One thing we all know is that no good can come from it as well as how that desire can lead an otherwise good person down an ugly path. We know how the story ends and the pain that it causes everyone. What you see as selfrightousness is actually people trying to stop a trainwreck. Few people endure 23 years of marriage without developing a strong physical or emotional attatchment at some point, understanding the potential outcomes is useful information for avoiding a life changing derailment.
Jersey Shortie Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 If that were true I wouldn't be breaking it off. But you want to meet her one last time. And that in itself is disrespectful to your wife and family. You are making justification and excuses for something you can end over the phone. You are more concerned with "respectfully" breaking it off with a woman that didn't have an ounce of respect for your wife, children and by association you. That's just backwards. If you were really committed to breaking it off here and now, you would not be meeting her. End of story.
JamesM Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 To answer the first question, as a guy who has been married close to twenty years, yes, many times I have been in a situation where a woman is incredibly attractive to me. And even a couple have felt the same towards me. These situations never become anything because for some reason, I am "stupid" enough to make some sort of comment about my wife. Mentioning a wife soon after meeting any woman seems to diminish the idea that you are available, and when I wake up and think "hey, maybe," then this woman usually has decided "he is not going to cheat." Of course, the wedding ring (which I assume you DO wear?) clues them in fairly quickly. These types of temptations rarely seek me out, because often my reputation precedes me. Sometimes I wish it wouldn't, but then again, it makes life easier if I don't have such difficult decisions to face. I don't get it.. you want to end it... As you said, there was no affair... so what exactly do you want to end face to face? Honestly, even after reading all of the pages, I didn't see how you began anything. I think the sentence near the end of the first post said something about seeing her more than once, but to me it wasn't clear. When you visited this town, how often have you seen her? And has she made any direct comments that she would like to start something with you? And does she know you are "happily married" or just married? What impressions have you given of how you feel regarding your wife? Why would she think there may be a chance for an affair? What I'm ending is what I think are her hopes that this could turn into something more. Again, what gives you the idea that she has "hopes?" The reason I haven't ended it RIGHT NOW is because the OW lives in a different state and I won't be back in that area again until next weekend. And yes, the something missing from my wife and I's relationship is the white-hot passion we once had. I believe I already mentioned that. That doesn't mean I don't still love her though because I do. The concern I have here is that it is so easy to change one's resolve when faced with a possible passionate affair in another state. I am one who is inclined to think that an email that says, "I am sorry that I have behaved like a teenager around you. I am sorry that I forgot that I am really a married man who has a family and needs to stay devoted to them. While itis so easy for any guy to feel enamored by you and your beauty, I realize that my feelings for you can do nothing but hurt you." Or something like that. The fear of any face to face meeting is a change of heart. So incredibly easy to do. Why not start the affair and let her know that it is all it will be? You will never need to tell your wife? Think of it...your last chance maybe at passion and excitement in life. End this and hopes of anything but growing old in a passionless marriage and a boring life died. Your reward will be boredom. And these thought will multiply. That little man on your shoulder will have many more tempting thoughts. Correction; conditions WERE ripe for me to sleep with her. Now that I've made up my mind to end it, there's no chance it'll happen now. As a guy who knows 100% that I could never say this, I hope you are correct. Resolve is easy when the temptation is gone. I don't say that in judgment of you, but I say that with a complete understanding of human nature and personal experience. End this so that no chance of beginning something is possible.
JamesM Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 But you want to meet her one last time. If you were really committed to breaking it off here and now, you would not be meeting her. End of story. I would have to agree. There is a huge part of you (and I understand completely) that wants to meet her so that you end on good terms. You do not want her hurt by you because....(fill in the blank)...and that is why many are concerned. If she has had hopes, then she will be hurt no matter how you do it. My guess is that if you asked your wife how she would want you to end it, then (assuming she is not hurt because there may be a beginning even if in your mind) she probably would tell you to do it the kindest way possible...without meeting her in person. Why? Because she is a woman, and she knows that if this woman knows you are married and thinks you have something for her, then meeting her in person will be dangerous no matter how much resolve you have. I do not judge your or underestimate you. But I think YOU underestimate this woman.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) Fascinating thread. Grampi, I believe you when you say it's over, and am so glad that you have chosen to keep your marriage. But the problem isn't just ending this fascination with the other woman. The real issue is why you started to look outside your marriage to satisfy you in the first place. You did mention that you are attracted to the younger gals, so it sounds like you have an issue with this. How do you know this problem won't keep growing, and one day you will cave in and cheat on your wife? You've invested so much in your marriage. You know, I've never had any kind of relationship that long....not yet anyway. I've moved around and just lost touch with people, my bad. I did have one very dear childhood friend for 16 years whom I kept in contact with, but then she was killed in an accident. And I knew then the value of investing 16 years in a relationship. But 23 years in a marriage? That is truly priceless, grampi. I'm a young and fairly attractive woman, and if an older married man was giving me the eye, I'd truly feel sad for him. So I hope you don't continue to eye the young things, is what I'm trying to say. All those young, attractive women out there are just shiny new distractions, okay? There are millions of shiny new women for you. If that's what you want, if that is what makes you happy, then go through a divorce. But what is really going to give you peace of mind and fulfillment in 20 and 30 years? Look at your future, and who you really want to be. This is a challenge in your marriage, isn't it? There is definitely a lesson to be learned, as in every challenge. I hope you bring your wife into the picture again. Talk again with her and discover or renew your passion together. Just putting thoughts out there, however small. But I do want to wish you the best. Edited November 16, 2009 by Ms. Joolie
Author grampi Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 But you want to meet her one last time. And that in itself is disrespectful to your wife and family. You are making justification and excuses for something you can end over the phone. You are more concerned with "respectfully" breaking it off with a woman that didn't have an ounce of respect for your wife, children and by association you. That's just backwards. If you were really committed to breaking it off here and now, you would not be meeting her. End of story. No, actually I'm breaking it off in person because I'm more old school. I don't believe in doing everything electronically like the younger crowd does. It's a very cold and impersonal way of doing things. I met her in person and I'll end it in person. I'm proving my commitment to my wife and family by breaking it off before anything has happened.
2sure Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Breaking it off in person is fine is you absolutely need that last little bit of romantic drama to get you through it. You are doing the right thing. Now go out and buy yourself a red sports car so this kind of thing doesnt happen again. There are a million ways to deal with a mid life crisis without having to tear yours and your family's lives apart. And that NOT a jab, its the same bump in the road that happens to almost everyone.
sumdude Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) No, actually I'm breaking it off in person because I'm more old school. I don't believe in doing everything electronically like the younger crowd does. It's a very cold and impersonal way of doing things. I met her in person and I'll end it in person. I'm proving my commitment to my wife and family by breaking it off before anything has happened. Good, just make sure you don't cave in during that face to face meeting.. pheromones and attraction have gotten the better of many a strong man and woman. Some folks were a but harsh here and others were just telling it like it is. I've been through it on the other side. I was thoroughly deceived by the one person I thought I could trust.. felt that awful sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when it started to dawn on me. Wondering if I was going nuts because what I heard and wanted to believe didn't match up with reality. Been through the divorce etc etc Nothing prepared my for it, I had no idea it could hurt and mess me up so much. Since then I've been on the boards here and elsewhere helping people through their divorces in any way I can because I know how bad it can get. So if I can help save what appears to be a good marriage, though it apparently needs some work. If i can possibly help someone else avoid the pain and sorrow of deception, betrayal and loss I'll do it. Sometimes it may take a smack in the face to wake someone up. Whether you care to admit it or not you have already deceived your wife... there is no doubt about that. You have already told some lies.. lies of omission do count. You're doing the right thing by ending this and I commend you for that. Now somewhere along the line you may have to decide whether or not you will tell your wife about any of it. Edited November 16, 2009 by sumdude
2sunny Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 i agree that counseling could be a benefit at this time. try to reinvest in your M why you allowed the attraction to the OW to become a possible threat to your M. every M goes through challenges and how the challenges are dealt with shows the character of the two within the relationship. temptation is normal, giving in to the temptation is what makes things complicated. keeping temptation at bay is what's ideal. also find some ideas about how to reconnect with your W so that life within the M once again becomes exciting and interesting for both of you. these can be tools to use for the duration of your time together. every M goes through cycles and changes... it's just best to see how you can keep it exciting for both of you as the years move along. i think this is a worthwhile investment for your future together.
RedDevil66 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Because believe it or not, and while I see the big picture of you respecting your wife hence breaking this off before something physical happens, meeting with this woman again (even to break it off with her) is disrespectful to your wife. I know you're not realizing this, but you are showing more respect and consideration for this other woman than your wife by doing that. Think about it this way. Say your wife found out that you had this attraction to this woman. And you told her you ended it before anything happened. Would you volunteer that you decided to meet her one more time to break it off in person? Would your wife understand the honor or courtesy you feel is behind that, or would she feel hurt? That's who you should be thinking about. If the other woman is a good person, she'll understand the need to break contact and that you didn't do it in person. I agree with this. I get Grampi that you're old school, but I don't think this situations calls for a "respectful ending" since what was brewing was a disrespectful act. You've known her only a few weeks, you owe her nothing. You owe it your wife, you and your marriage to just tell this girl you made a huge error. Now of course, if you go to meet her, I think that would be more about an ego stroke than being polite. What is old school would be to respect your vows, your wife and mostly, yourself
Author grampi Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 (edited) The OW was supposed to call me last night, but she didn't. Maybe she too has realized this was a bad idea and has decided to end it by not calling me anymore. I hope this is the case as this would certainly be a much easier (and safer) ending than having to meet with her again. We had determined if we were going to talk to each other over the phone it could only happen if she calls me. I can't call her because she never knows when her husband will be there (did I ever mention that she is married too? I can't remember if I did). If she doesn't call me, I won't attempt to make any contact with her either. She does know that I will be back in her area this weekend though and I suppose she could still call me sometime this week. Here's to hoping she won't. Edited November 17, 2009 by grampi
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 The OW was supposed to call me last night, but she didn't. Maybe she too has realized this was a bad idea and has decided to end it by not calling me anymore. I hope this is the case as this would certainly be a much easier (and safer) ending than having to meet with her again. We had determined if we were going to talk to each other over the phone it could only happen if she calls me. I can't call her because she never knows when her husband will be there (did I ever mention that she is married too? I can't remember if I did). If she doesn't call me, I won't attempt to make any contact with her either. She does know that I will be back in her area this weekend though and suppose she could still call me sometime this week. Here's to hoping she won't. :eek: Wow. Just wow. That added a whole new dimension. I hope you come to your senses and even if she DOES call you, that you ignore the call. Wow.
Jersey Shortie Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 No, actually I'm breaking it off in person because I'm more old school. I don't believe in doing everything electronically like the younger crowd does. It's a very cold and impersonal way of doing things. I met her in person and I'll end it in person. I'm proving my commitment to my wife and family by breaking it off before anything has happened. You got a messed up value system. No one cares if your old school and don't like electronics. Unless you were around before Alexander Grand Bell, your excuse is lame. You want to offer more respect to a woman that doesn't care about your marriage and doesn't care about her own then you do your own family. I am glad you have decided to call it off, that's good. But you still seem to have more respect and loyatly to this infatuation then you do your wife. You also rather the OW take the responsiblity of not contacting you again then you taking the responsiblity of calling it off.
Lizzie60 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 The OW was supposed to call me last night, but she didn't. Maybe she too has realized this was a bad idea and has decided to end it by not calling me anymore. I hope this is the case as this would certainly be a much easier (and safer) ending than having to meet with her again. We had determined if we were going to talk to each other over the phone it could only happen if she calls me. I can't call her because she never knows when her husband will be there (did I ever mention that she is married too? I can't remember if I did). If she doesn't call me, I won't attempt to make any contact with her either. She does know that I will be back in her area this weekend though and I suppose she could still call me sometime this week. Here's to hoping she won't. OMFG... you are sooo transparent.. that I can 'feel' the 'ego pain' in your post.. it's soooo obvious.. Be honest, it 'tickled' you that she didn't call.. you were hoping that she would.. plus you were hoping she'd be 'hurt' when you'd tell her it was over before it even started.. I just hope she never calls you back again..
JamesM Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I can't call her because she never knows when her husband will be there (did I ever mention that she is married too? I can't remember if I did). If she doesn't call me, I won't attempt to make any contact with her either. She does know that I will be back in her area this weekend though and I suppose she could still call me sometime this week. Here's to hoping she won't. No, you didn't mention she was married. And you are hoping she doesn't call you back because...it will be easier for you and you do not have to take the responsibility of ending this? How is that old school? Suggestion....no more contact with her via voice or in person. BUT please report back as to how you weekend in her town went. If we were gamblers here, then I am betting that you will have a nice story to tell us when you get back. Please do.
2sunny Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 she's married too? and this seemed like a good idea before now? oh man, grampi, you need to get to a counselor pronto and find out WHY you were even entertaining these choices for yourself. this is worse than i thought.
65tr6 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 No, actually I'm breaking it off in person because I'm more old school. I don't believe in doing everything electronically like the younger crowd does. wow, come on OP you can do better than that. This is not about old school versus new. This is about a married girl that you want to meet face to face and tell her it is over between you two. What is wrong with this picture ?? You cannot do this on your own. If you have any respect for your wife of 23 years (and your kids), please tell your wife what you did. You both take it from there starting with you sending an NC note to your married partner. You are making this way more complicated than it actually is. On a side note, how would you describe your married life ? (sorry if you already answered this question...could not tell).
CarrieT Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I can't call her because she never knows when her husband will be there (did I ever mention that she is married too? I can't remember if I did). No, you did not mention this. That situation takes it to a whole new level. Does she have children too? There is NO respectability in this situation and no honor in "breaking it off in person." You are not only hurting your wife and children but her husband (and children?) as well.
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