Married man of 23 years meets someone else

[grampi]

You know what? I'm done with you judgemental people looking down at me because you think you're perfect. I've got news for you, you're not. And for those of you doling out advice who clearly have never delt with a situation like this, shame on you! You can take your holier-than-thou attitudes and shove them where the sun don't shine. I hate to break it to you but you AREN'T any better than I am!

 

I don't care what any of you say, I have NOT cheated and I'm not going to. I'm also going to end it the way of my choice, so you might as well quit putting unnecessary wear and tear on your keyboards by telling me to end it over the phone because it ain't gonna happen that way. I will end it in person, and it'll be done politely and tactfully. If she crys, she crys. If she wants a hug or a kiss I'll just tell her sorry, but no. If she tries to contact me after I end it, I won't respond.

 

Now if you'd like to respond to this thread WITHOUT being judgemental and/or thinking you're better than me then I will consider your opinion. Otherwise you're wasting your time.

Edited November 15, 2009 by grampi

[LostInLA]

Also emotional cheating. Nonsense. Having physical contact is cheating. Anything less, while it could lead to cheating, is not.

 

You're still not going to agree but believe it or not an emotional affair is in many ways can be more damaging.

 

To us men the thought of our woman doing the deed with another man can drive us to insanity. A woman may react this way too however the thought of a man sharing his heart, mind and spirit with another woman is even worse.

 

I completely agree here with sumdude.

 

Grampi, I dare you to ask your wife how she would feel if you were emotionally connecting to another woman. You know deep down that she would be devastated, which is why you probably haven't told her.

 

And I feel you are being super defensive, most likely from guilt. You came here looking for advice and you are getting opinions from people from all walks of life here, this is a valuable thing.

 

The responses may seem harsh but a lot of us have been through heart break. It is NOT fun. It is not something I wish upon my worst enemy. It is not something I wish upon my ex even though I am still angry with him.

 

Since you seem to feel berated here, I will say good for you that you are deciding to end it with this other woman.

 

However, you should have ended it already. As in RIGHT NOW. As in, at the moment you decided to salvage your marriage. This is the least thing you can do for your wife right now.

 

YOUR WIFE AND FAMILY COME FIRST.

 

This other woman made a calculated risk getting involved with a married man. That is her problem, not yours. You have a commitment to someone else that you made years ago. This other woman who you have feelings for should mean nothing to you compared to your marriage and your family.

 

Also, I advise some marriage counseling (or go by yourself). Usually when a wife or husband ends up in this situation, it's because they are missing something from their relationship. I don't mean this to sound condescending at all, and I know it sounds like that, but it is an earnest piece of advice. Just because you end this doesn't mean your marriage is completely salvaged. Your wife deserves your best effort.

Edited November 15, 2009 by LostInLA

[LostInLA]

Using your logic every married man and woman on the planet is guilty of emotional cheating if they even look at another person of the opposite sex. That's just ridiculous. What about when you have dreams about someone else? Also emotional cheating. Nonsense. Having physical contact is cheating. Anything less, while it could lead to cheating, is not.

 

PS: Emotional cheating is not "checking out" another woman, it's not just physical attraction. Emotional cheating is creating a bond with another, just like the kind of bond that started off in your relationship with your wife. It's that next step beyond just flirting.

 

But this time things were different. I'm so attracted to this person I almost can't contain my passion. I haven't felt like this since my wife and I first met. You don't realize how much you miss this feeling of complete passion eutopia until you experience it again. It's a high from hell![/Quote]

 

This is when emotional cheating starts happening. Sometimes it's not something that happens on a conscious level. It starts to develop out of nowhere and then it MAY lead to actual physical cheating, if you let it.

 

Again, kudos for recognizing the danger you're marriage is in, but there's no reason to drag it out, it should end ASAP!

[Lizzie60]

I don't get it.. you want to end it... As you said, there was no affair... so what exactly do you want to end face to face?

[Fun2BMe]

I don't get it.. you want to end it... As you said, there was no affair... so what exactly do you want to end face to face?

 

That's what I was wondering. Do you want to approach her and say by the way my name is "Grampi" and you've been turning me sexually on from afar and now I want to end it? She might think you're a creep or pervert. Just end 'it' without sharing it with her!

[grampi]

I don't get it.. you want to end it... As you said, there was no affair... so what exactly do you want to end face to face?

 

What I'm ending is what I think are her hopes that this could turn into something more.

[grampi]

I completely agree here with sumdude.

 

Grampi, I dare you to ask your wife how she would feel if you were emotionally connecting to another woman. You know deep down that she would be devastated, which is why you probably haven't told her.

 

And I feel you are being super defensive, most likely from guilt. You came here looking for advice and you are getting opinions from people from all walks of life here, this is a valuable thing.

 

The responses may seem harsh but a lot of us have been through heart break. It is NOT fun. It is not something I wish upon my worst enemy. It is not something I wish upon my ex even though I am still angry with him.

 

Since you seem to feel berated here, I will say good for you that you are deciding to end it with this other woman.

 

However, you should have ended it already. As in RIGHT NOW. As in, at the moment you decided to salvage your marriage. This is the least thing you can do for your wife right now.

 

YOUR WIFE AND FAMILY COME FIRST.

 

This other woman made a calculated risk getting involved with a married man. That is her problem, not yours. You have a commitment to someone else that you made years ago. This other woman who you have feelings for should mean nothing to you compared to your marriage and your family.

 

Also, I advise some marriage counseling (or go by yourself). Usually when a wife or husband ends up in this situation, it's because they are missing something from their relationship. I don't mean this to sound condescending at all, and I know it sounds like that, but it is an earnest piece of advice. Just because you end this doesn't mean your marriage is completely salvaged. Your wife deserves your best effort.

 

The reason I haven't ended it RIGHT NOW is because the OW lives in a different state and I won't be back in that area again until next weekend. And yes, the something missing from my wife and I's relationship is the white-hot passion we once had. I believe I already mentioned that. That doesn't mean I don't still love her though because I do.

[2sunny]

i am here to try and help people with many situations... i have experienced many facets of life and don't expect posters here to assume that i have no experience with the area that they post.

 

if you want to get input here - you have to be open minded enough to read all advice and come to your own conclusion of what is best for your own situation.

 

i can't tell you what's best... i could tell you what works best for me. big difference.

 

you will always do what you think you want... that's the bottom line.

 

good luck... if it were me... i would be tempted if i were alone with OW in a situation such as yours... tempted by the chemistry, tempted by the fact that it is out of town and seems convenient as it's possible my mind might think "no one will ever know"... but, that's just me and knowing where my healthy boundary is - and not crossing over it. i know my own pitfalls; maybe you are a bit stronger than i am. while i was married i knew the danger in flirting with temptation.

[Ruby Slippers]

The reason I haven't ended it RIGHT NOW is because the OW lives in a different state and I won't be back in that area again until next weekend. And yes, the something missing from my wife and I's relationship is the white-hot passion we once had. I believe I already mentioned that. That doesn't mean I don't still love her though because I do.

Conditions are ripe for you to sleep with her. Some people are being harsh on you in this thread -- but you came here seeking a wakeup call, and that is what they are trying to give you. Better from us now, before you fall, than your devastated wife and daughters after the fact.

[CarrieT]

The reason I haven't ended it RIGHT NOW is because the OW lives in a different state and I won't be back in that area again until next weekend. And yes, the something missing from my wife and I's relationship is the white-hot passion we once had. I believe I already mentioned that. That doesn't mean I don't still love her though because I do.

 

You still haven't answered why you feel the need to end it in person when a phone call or email will do. What do you think YOU will gain by seeing this woman again? Why are you waiting?

 

Many, MANY of us have been through exactly this same thing and we berate you because we know how easy it is to want to succumb and we are hoping to help you from doing exactly that. Seeing her is an invitation to disaster.

[grampi]

You still haven't answered why you feel the need to end it in person when a phone call or email will do. What do you think YOU will gain by seeing this woman again? Why are you waiting?

 

I certainly have answered all of these questions. I have decided to end it in person because I respect the other woman enough not to do it the chicken chit way....over the phone. What do I expect to gain by seeing her to end it? I will be gaining the knowledge that I ended it the right way and not the cheesy chicken chit way. I also answered the question about why I'm waiting. Sounds like you need to read some of my previous posts because all these questions have already been answered.

[grampi]

Conditions are ripe for you to sleep with her. Some people are being harsh on you in this thread -- but you came here seeking a wakeup call, and that is what they are trying to give you. Better from us now, before you fall, than your devastated wife and daughters after the fact.

 

Correction; conditions WERE ripe for me to sleep with her. Now that I've made up my mind to end it, there's no chance it'll happen now.

[CarrieT]

I certainly have answered all of these questions. I have decided to end it in person because I respect the other woman enough not to do it the chicken chit way....over the phone. What do I expect to gain by seeing her to end it? I will be gaining the knowledge that I ended it the right way and not the cheesy chicken chit way. I also answered the question about why I'm waiting. Sounds like you need to read some of my previous posts because all these questions have already been answered.

 

I applaud you if you believe that is the right way. I hope you will report back after you have done the deed. Many of us who have gone through this scenario believe it is more disrespectful to your marriage and your family to see this woman again. This is not coming from a stance of ignorance or having not lived in your shoes, but knowing what happens when one is faced with that which is so enticing, desirable, and forbidden.

 

Again, I hope you will remain on the board and tell us honestly of the outcome of your meeting.

[Ruby Slippers]

^ I understand and respect your reason, grampi. You know what your principles are, and I am sure you will uphold them.

[LostInLA]

I'm sorry but I still don't get it.

 

Why won't an email or phone call suffice? What is so chicken about that? Why does this person deserve this much respect?

 

Because you have feelings for her?

 

Your feelings for her are wrong. You shouldn't have to go out of your way for another woman like this while you are married.

 

YOU ARE A MARRIED MAN! And committed enough to decide to do the right thing.

 

But you are doing the right thing the wrong way. Sorry, this is just my opinion. This other woman doesn't "deserve" anything from you, except a clear cut off. HOW you cut it off just does NOT matter.

 

If anything, as I've said repeatedely: Your WIFE deserves that you cut this off immediately. She does not deserve you MEETING with another woman. EVER.

 

Again, just so you know, I'm obviously very passionate about this which is why I keep hounding on you not to meet her. I'm just imagining if my ex of 10 years had done this to me, and if I were to find out, I would have been completely devastated for these reasons:

 

1. That he was hanging out and actually connecting with a (much younger) woman.

 

and

 

2. That even though he decided to end it, he just "had to" meet with her to break it off, as if this woman was SO important to him, instead of realizing what he was getting into and cutting it off immediately.

 

I'm just trying to show another point of view here. The one your wife might have. Her feelings matter the most. You are choosing this other woman's feelings above hers, even though she isn't aware of the situation.

 

You have a chance her to do the REAL right thing. Not the half-assed right thing.

Edited November 15, 2009 by LostInLA

[Lizzie60]

What I'm ending is what I think are her hopes that this could turn into something more.

 

OK.. so you need to end something that never even started from your point of view.. and from what you're saying.. she is the one who has her hopes up high for you... humm... an email would do..since, again from your point of view there was nothing.. so methink you want your ego stroke once again.. it's that simple.. you just want to see the hurt in her eyes.. nothing more nothing less.. (if indeed there is some hurt, she might have already forgotten about you)...

[2sunny]

i still think it's risky to some extent. let's pretend your wife has become a little suspicious... hires a PI... follows you out of town.

 

even if you meet the gal to break it off - you run the risk that pictures could be taken of the two of you together. this would be detrimental to any love you claim for your W now.

 

from a W point of view, even if it were your truth, most W would never believe it.

 

also from the W point of view, if you respect and love your W the way you state you do - you would honor her best by never again seeing this OW in person again. so, IMO, it's just totally disrespecting your wife from what your words have typed here. actions should be congruent with words... that way there is never misunderstandings of your intentions. believe me, the OW will understand perfectly well why you can't and won't see her in person.

 

i still say nothing great could come from meeting her again if you are truly stating that it's over... NOTHING.

[Lizzie60]

i still think it's risky to some extent. let's pretend your wife has become a little suspicious... hires a PI... follows you out of town.

 

even if you meet the gal to break it off - you run the risk that pictures could be taken of the two of you together. this would be detrimental to any love you claim for your W now.

 

from a W point of view, even if it were your truth, most W would never believe it.

 

also from the W point of view, if you respect and love your W the way you state you do - you would honor her best by never again seeing this OW in person again. so, IMO, it's just totally disrespecting your wife from what your words have typed here. actions should be congruent with words... that way there is never misunderstandings of your intentions. believe me, the OW will understand perfectly well why you can't and won't see her in person.

 

i still say nothing great could come from meeting her again if you are truly stating that it's over... NOTHING.

 

Hahaha.. 2sunny.. you watch too much television.. (first part of your post)..

 

I totally agree with the bold parts.. to meet her in person is only an excuse for him to see her again.. but he just refuses to admit it..

[2sunny]

Hahaha.. 2sunny.. you watch too much television.. (first part of your post)..

 

I totally agree with the bold parts.. to meet her in person is only an excuse for him to see her again.. but he just refuses to admit it..

 

ahaha, i don't ever watch tv...

 

sooo, not necessarily Lizzie - the info i provided has been my own life experience... which ended a 20 year marriage.

 

he was "away" AGAIN for another business trip... i decided to find out what was really happening while he was away.

[crazy_grl]

grampi, posters here often have a tough love, my way or the highway approach that can come off as very harsh and judgmental. Often, the harshest sounding are from people who've gone through something similar and wish someone would have screamed and tried to bang the advice into their head (or their partner's head) when it happened -- forgetting that at the time, they probably would have just gotten angry and not listened to the screaming either.

 

I don't agree with your decision to end things in person, but it's certainly yours to make, and hopefully you know yourself better than anyone else. If you're set on meeting up with OW, one thing I'd suggest is that you start working on your marriage right away. If even a bit of the old spark is back between you and your wife when you meet with OW to end things, it could make it easier to do so.

 

And make sure you don't give us any reason to say "told you so". Good luck.

 

Edit: After a bit of thinking, I think the main question to ask yourself here is "How would your wife want you to handle it?" Would she want you to meet the woman in person or end things by phone? Or if the positions were reversed. You said before you'd be glad she was ending things before it went too far. But would you prefer she meet the man in person or would you rather she ended it by phone? What's best for your wife is more important than what's best for OW.

Edited November 15, 2009 by crazy_grl

[whichwayisup]

In afew days, or maybe a week, come back and re-read my responses, as well as everyone else's when you're less defensive .. You will see I'm not judgding you. You will see that the advice is solid, helpful and yeah, harsh .. BUT it's because you ARE in denial.

 

What you don't understand is, you're ALREADY having an emotional affair, an inappropriate friendship.. And kudo's to you for realizing it's wrong and if the friendship (EA) continued it WOULD turn into a physical affair.

[whichwayisup]

Correction; conditions WERE ripe for me to sleep with her.

 

So it IS more than just a friendship. = EA. Again, I know you don't see it that way, but I'm betting if you told your wife the conditions were ripe for you to sleep with her, she would see it as cheating already BECAUSE you have let this OW into your heart, connected with her, spent time with her, opened up with her.

 

I agree with Crazy Girl - I'm sure your wife would prefer you ending it on the phone or by email just because going to see her "one last time" to have the "talk" (again, more proof that it's not just an innocent platonic friendship) DOES still put you in the situation that something could happen.. A passionate kiss...Goodbye..

[grampi]

I don't see any further need to continue this conversation until the deed has been done. I've already made my mind up about what I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it. I'll check back afterwards.

[taco1o94]

welll let him do really want he wants to do let mr tell you one thing man dont like weman telling them what do to

[CarrieT]

welll let him do really want he wants to do let mr tell you one thing man dont like weman telling them what do to

 

There are a lot of men on this forum who are advising him to not see the woman again.

 

We wish the OP all of the best in this resolution; that he is choosing a different path than has been heartily recommended will wait to be seen -- that is, if he reports back with complete candor how it played out.