Author grampi Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 Don't even see this girl next weekend. It could be too tempting to resist. End it RIGHT NOW. Call her and tell her what's up. Absolutely not! I think too much of her to dump her over the phone. That's just plain cheesy. I will do it in person.
Die Hard Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 (edited) Absolutely not! I think too much of her to dump her over the phone. That's just plain cheesy. I will do it in person.no what is cheesy is a 51 year old married man talking about dumping someone...anyone, who is not their wife. i dont believe you when you say youre going to stop this...i think it's highly likely that the endorphins have you already hope im wrong Edited November 14, 2009 by Die Hard
Die Hard Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 i just recently found out my brother has been cheating on my sister in law and i'll tell you the same thing I told my brother: have the balls to let your wife go find someone who loves her enough to be faithful...or else have the balls to be faithful yourself. i also told my brother he wasnt raised to treat a woman this way and I hope you werent either
whichwayisup Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 She's actually led me on, but the problem is this time I allowed myself to go along with it and I clearly shouldn't have. I will end it and I'll do it as sweetly and nicely as I possibly can. I really do care about her and I don't want to hurt her feelings. Absolutely not! I think too much of her to dump her over the phone. That's just plain cheesy. I will do it in person. You're putting way too much importance and respect into this OW. SHE KNOWS YOU ARE MARRIED, yet chose to pursue you, so obviously she doesn't think much of your wife, let alone your marriage. You care about her, but I DO hope you care about your wife more.. Why go see her and do this in person? All that will do is give you an opportunity to kiss her, or allow a kiss or a hug, plus, you'll have to listen to what she has to say.. What if she fights on ending it? Are you strong enough to make your point that you love your wife and your friendship with her (OW) is just plain wrong and asking for trouble? Don't go into a song and dance about it either..Short sweet and to the point. Infact, saying I'm a married man and this friendship has to stop should be good enough..She SHOULD understand the "why's"..
VeveCakes Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 What would you think if you knew your wife was out flirting with some hot 36 year old stud at this moment? Not good is it. The novelty wears off. If you really want someone else then please don't be a sleaze and come clean to your wife, she deserves it.
Author grampi Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 no what is cheesy is a 51 year old married man talking about dumping someone...anyone, who is not their wife. i dont believe you when you say youre going to stop this...i think it's highly likely that the endorphins have you already hope im wrong You are wrong.
Author grampi Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Some of you people act as though I don't know what I'm doing is wrong, or that I don't care about how it may hurt my wife, and some of you are treating me as though I've already cheated when I haven't. I've had no physical contact with this person whatsoever. I KNOW I TOOK A WRONG TURN DOWN THE WRONG STREET, BUT I'VE ALSO SAID I'M GOING TO MAKE IT RIGHT BY ENDING IT AND I WILL! And I'm going to end it the way I see fit to end it; respectfully and tactfully, and in person. I'm not just going to tell her to get lost! I appreciate the input, but some of you have clearly never delt with a situation like this (it's obvious by your posts), and others appear to be looking down your noses at me thinking you're better than I am and I'm nothing but scum. I could do without the brow beatings. Nobody's perfect and I'm sure you too have screwed up something at some point in your own lives. I at least realized and admitted I screwed up BEFORE I was unfaithful and I can now make things right.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 (edited) Some of you people act as though I don't know what I'm doing is wrong, or that I don't care about how it may hurt my wife, and some of you are treating me as though I've already cheated when I haven't. I've had no physical contact with this person whatsoever. I KNOW I TOOK A WRONG TURN DOWN THE WRONG STREET, BUT I'VE ALSO SAID I'M GOING TO MAKE IT RIGHT BY ENDING IT AND I WILL! And I'm going to end it the way I see fit to end it; respectfully and tactfully, and in person. I'm not just going to tell her to get lost! I appreciate the input, but some of you have clearly never delt with a situation like this (it's obvious by your posts), and others appear to be looking down your noses at me thinking you're better than I am and I'm nothing but scum. I could do without the brow beatings. Nobody's perfect and I'm sure you too have screwed up something at some point in your own lives. I at least realized and admitted I screwed up BEFORE I was unfaithful and I can now make things right. Welcome to Loveshack. LOL You'll come across a lot of angry, bitter people on here, Grampi - the majority of people here came here because of some painful relationship. So don't be surprised at the displacement going on with regards to you and your situation. Do what you gotta do, man. I imagine most people that posted after you saying you were going to end it didn't see your most recent post about ending it...at least that's what I got from some of the posts. Just ignore it. You know what you gotta do. I hope you don't just cut things off with this girl, though - I hope you do some work with your wife, too. She, you, and your daughters all deserve it. 23 years is nothing to sneeze at. Edited November 15, 2009 by SoulSearch_CO
Fun2BMe Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Some of you people act as though I don't know what I'm doing is wrong, or that I don't care about how it may hurt my wife, and some of you are treating me as though I've already cheated when I haven't. I've had no physical contact with this person whatsoever. I KNOW I TOOK A WRONG TURN DOWN THE WRONG STREET, BUT I'VE ALSO SAID I'M GOING TO MAKE IT RIGHT BY ENDING IT AND I WILL! And I'm going to end it the way I see fit to end it; respectfully and tactfully, and in person. I'm not just going to tell her to get lost! I appreciate the input, but some of you have clearly never delt with a situation like this (it's obvious by your posts), and others appear to be looking down your noses at me thinking you're better than I am and I'm nothing but scum. I could do without the brow beatings. Nobody's perfect and I'm sure you too have screwed up something at some point in your own lives. I at least realized and admitted I screwed up BEFORE I was unfaithful and I can now make things right. I think those who look down their nose at you and think you're weak and they are so perfect have never been in this situation or else they're judgmental to a fault. I know you disagree with me but like I said earlier I think you shouldn't make life black and white and simply dismiss her just in case she turns out to be the (new) love of your life. But if you're ok with cutting her out of your life and will feel good to not disappoint your family that's a good choice too but what you feel is natural and some people remarry with a more suitable person later in life. Not everything is the way people who haven't experienced things think it is or should be.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 You're bored in the routine of your life, you're looking for a high, and brand new infatuation is a potent one. Like all other highs, the initial euphoria will wear off pretty quickly, and you'll come down from it to find yourself stuck in a big old mess. This is a signal that you need to reinvigorate your life and your marriage. Engage in some new and novel activities together to relight your own spark and the one between the two of you. Your wife is the same woman you fell in love with. Remind yourself why.
Sakakawea Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Avoid her. If you have any respect for your family, that's what you should do. If you know you can't resist, then shutting yourself off from her would be in your best interests. Would you truly throw away everything you've built with your wife and two daughters, would you break their hearts and damage them, just for some sex? Think of your daughters, You are their father, you are most likely their main male influence. If you do this, this will leave an impression on them, they will think you're some horrible scum bag, and chances are they could end up expecting all men to be like that.
crazy_grl Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 (edited) I'm glad you made the decision to cut things off with the other woman. I too question whether you should really do it in person though. I agree break-ups are best done face to face, but this isn't really a break-up. You haven't even been intimate with this person. Doing it in person is a lot more risky for you (and your marriage, your life with your wife and children). You need to ask yourself: Are you prepared for any and all possible reactions she might have? What if she starts crying and begs you not to? What if she tries to rationalize that what you're doing won't really hurt anybody? Or that you should still try to be friends? Are you really going to be able to go through with ending things when this attractive, younger woman is there in front of you, and the endorphins are there making you feel so happy to see her? If there's any doubt in your mind about whether you really want to end things or whether you'll be able to go through with it, don't do it in person. The phone is fine. And just be sure that you're not going there hoping that she WILL convince you to keep things going. (Not saying you are, just that it's possible and you need to be certain of your own motivations. People often like to trick themselves into believing they're doing something for noble reasons when they're, in fact, not.) Edited November 15, 2009 by crazy_grl
LostInLA Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 (edited) As a 34 year old woman who has recently gone through a break up from a 10 year relationship, I feel that you, as a husband, making plans to meet up with a much younger woman just to "break up" with her is WRONG. [My self description is relevant because I DO have experience. I emotionally cheated. It caused my ex to fall out of love with me. He broke it off with me and I'm devastated. He now is with someone else, who he started dating while we were living together but broken up. In my mind, he might as well have cheated on me.] Just because you haven't been physically intimate with this other woman doesn't mean you haven't cheated. It's called emotional cheating. How would you feel if you found out your wife has plans to meet up with a much younger guy to "break it" off with him? REALLY imagine that. That's a SECRET from you and your relationship. I feel that you wanting to meet up with her in person one last time is an excuse to SEE her and possibly CAVE. You don't need to see her. Email her or call her. Cheesiness is far better than disrespecting the woman you are committed to. Your wife deserves much more respect than this. Edited November 15, 2009 by LostInLA
Jersey Shortie Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 You're all right (well, except for the person who said this gal may be my soul mate) and I've known what I have to do all along. I guess I just needed to hear it from a few others to help me regain some of my confidence. I'll be seeing her next weekend and that's when I'll tell her it's over. It's not going to be easy because I really care about her, but it'll be a lot easier than having to go through the mess of throwing away 23 years of marrige and everything that would go along with it. My wife and family are far more important to me. Thanks to everyone for knocking the sense back into my head. signed, still faithful As LA said, you do not need to meet this woman just to break if off. You can break it off over the phone. You're just making yet another excuse,one last one, to see her. Your wife gave you 23 years and two "beautiful" daughters, as you said. And the thanks you are currently giving her is a zeal towards a younger woman. If that's the thanks women get for years of marriage to you and your children, that's real crappy. You're putting way too much importance and respect into this OW. SHE KNOWS YOU ARE MARRIED, yet chose to pursue you, so obviously she doesn't think much of your wife, let alone your marriage. You care about her, but I DO hope you care about your wife more.. Why go see her and do this in person? Yeah, I got to agree. It's like you want to give more respect to the younger woman you like then your own wife. this younger woman knows you are married yet continues to see you herself and pursue. She has no respect for your wife, thus no respect for your marriage, you or your daughters. I really hope you do not sell out your wife and daughters just so you can bang someone younger. But men have been doing that since the dawn of time so it woudln't surprise anyone either if you ended up doing just that.
Author grampi Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Avoid her. If you have any respect for your family, that's what you should do. If you know you can't resist, then shutting yourself off from her would be in your best interests. Would you truly throw away everything you've built with your wife and two daughters, would you break their hearts and damage them, just for some sex? Think of your daughters, You are their father, you are most likely their main male influence. If you do this, this will leave an impression on them, they will think you're some horrible scum bag, and chances are they could end up expecting all men to be like that. See post #32. I have much respect for my wife and daughters which is why I'm breaking it off with the other woman, and it's also why I haven't had any physical contact with her.
Author grampi Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 I'm glad you made the decision to cut things off with the other woman. I too question whether you should really do it in person though. I agree break-ups are best done face to face, but this isn't really a break-up. You haven't even been intimate with this person. Doing it in person is a lot more risky for you (and your marriage, your life with your wife and children). You need to ask yourself: Are you prepared for any and all possible reactions she might have? What if she starts crying and begs you not to? What if she tries to rationalize that what you're doing won't really hurt anybody? Or that you should still try to be friends? Are you really going to be able to go through with ending things when this attractive, younger woman is there in front of you, and the endorphins are there making you feel so happy to see her? If there's any doubt in your mind about whether you really want to end things or whether you'll be able to go through with it, don't do it in person. The phone is fine. And just be sure that you're not going there hoping that she WILL convince you to keep things going. (Not saying you are, just that it's possible and you need to be certain of your own motivations. People often like to trick themselves into believing they're doing something for noble reasons when they're, in fact, not.) I'm prepared for anything and I will end it.
Author grampi Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 As a 34 year old woman who has recently gone through a break up from a 10 year relationship, I feel that you, as a husband, making plans to meet up with a much younger woman just to "break up" with her is WRONG. [My self description is relevant because I DO have experience. I emotionally cheated. It caused my ex to fall out of love with me. He broke it off with me and I'm devastated. He now is with someone else, who he started dating while we were living together but broken up. In my mind, he might as well have cheated on me.] Just because you haven't been physically intimate with this other woman doesn't mean you haven't cheated. It's called emotional cheating. How would you feel if you found out your wife has plans to meet up with a much younger guy to "break it" off with him? REALLY imagine that. That's a SECRET from you and your relationship. I feel that you wanting to meet up with her in person one last time is an excuse to SEE her and possibly CAVE. You don't need to see her. Email her or call her. Cheesiness is far better than disrespecting the woman you are committed to. Your wife deserves much more respect than this. Using your logic every married man and woman on the planet is guilty of emotional cheating if they even look at another person of the opposite sex. That's just ridiculous. What about when you have dreams about someone else? Also emotional cheating. Nonsense. Having physical contact is cheating. Anything less, while it could lead to cheating, is not.
Author grampi Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 It's like you want to give more respect to the younger woman you like then your own wife. Yeah, except for the part of me breaking it off with the other woman so I can keep my marriage with my wife in tact.
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I KNOW I TOOK A WRONG TURN DOWN THE WRONG STREET, BUT I'VE ALSO SAID I'M GOING TO MAKE IT RIGHT BY ENDING IT AND I WILL! And I'm going to end it the way I see fit to end it; respectfully and tactfully, and in person. I'm not just going to tell her to get lost! But you are strong enough to watch this woman possibly cry infront of you? What if she does that..Then asks for a hug...A little kiss..Just once.. Are YOU strong enough to NOT do that, out of respect for your wife, marriage and family? Yes, you ARE going to hurt this woman if she feels the same way about you. You have had an emotional affair with this woman, allowed feelings to happen. you two connected and spent time together.. THAT IS building an inappropriate 'friendship' with someone outside of your marriage. Let me ask, was your wife privvy to know about this so called friendship? Has she met this OW? Seen you two talking, being close on an emotional level? And, how would you feel if your wife had a very close male friend, someone she had feelings for, but hadn't slept with. And to know, the ONLY thing holding her back is the wedding ring you slipped on her finger. In your eyes you feel you haven't cheated..But you have because you've allowe another woman into your heart on an intimate level and (possibly?) fallen inlove. IT IS GOOD you're ending it. Question is too, do you have it in you to now stay in NC mode with this OW and ignore her if she tries to see you again?
sumdude Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Also emotional cheating. Nonsense. Having physical contact is cheating. Anything less, while it could lead to cheating, is not. You're still not going to agree but believe it or not an emotional affair is in many ways can be more damaging. To us men the thought of our woman doing the deed with another man can drive us to insanity. A woman may react this way too however the thought of a man sharing his heart, mind and spirit with another woman is even worse.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Most people go to great lengths to protect what is valuable to them. We lock our doors at night, lock up our car, insure our health, ect... We do this even without a perceived threat but an awareness that however slim the possibility we aren't going to take the risk. Yet what lengths does one go to to protect ones marriage? An EA is an affair. You and I know if your W knew the truth she would be devistated. What is there to end? Why the need to romanticise the ending. What is cheesy to ME is that you have less desire to protect a 23 year investment than you do your automobile. The human mind will accept the craziest of fantasies in order to chase that HIGH. We lie to ourselves so well we could do it for a living, we believe things a child couldn't be convinced of. Beware, it got you into this mess and it won't let you out that easily. You have a choice to safeguard your M or to risk it on a daily basis. I don't think you are making a wise choice.
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 To us men the thought of our woman doing the deed with another man can drive us to insanity. A woman may react this way too however the thought of a man sharing his heart, mind and spirit with another woman is even worse. This is very true. And I'm sure if this guys wife knew he allowed another woman into his heart, SHE (his wife) would be crushed and feel very betrayed and hurt.
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I don't think you are making a wise choice. He is making a wise choice by ending it..What isn't wise, is seeing this OW "one last time" to end it. I agree with the other poster(s) who said, this can and should be done over the phone.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 He is making a wise choice by ending it..What isn't wise, is seeing this OW "one last time" to end it. I agree with the other poster(s) who said, this can and should be done over the phone. That would be the choice I was refering to.
Author grampi Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 But you are strong enough to watch this woman possibly cry infront of you? What if she does that..Then asks for a hug...A little kiss..Just once.. Are YOU strong enough to NOT do that, out of respect for your wife, marriage and family? Yes, you ARE going to hurt this woman if she feels the same way about you. You have had an emotional affair with this woman, allowed feelings to happen. you two connected and spent time together.. THAT IS building an inappropriate 'friendship' with someone outside of your marriage. Let me ask, was your wife privvy to know about this so called friendship? Has she met this OW? Seen you two talking, being close on an emotional level? And, how would you feel if your wife had a very close male friend, someone she had feelings for, but hadn't slept with. And to know, the ONLY thing holding her back is the wedding ring you slipped on her finger. In your eyes you feel you haven't cheated..But you have because you've allowe another woman into your heart on an intimate level and (possibly?) fallen inlove. IT IS GOOD you're ending it. Question is too, do you have it in you to now stay in NC mode with this OW and ignore her if she tries to see you again? Great, another judgemental person who's never been in this situation. How would I feel if my wife went through the same exact situation? I'd feel good about the fact that she cares enough about me and our marriage to end it before anything physical happened. I also realize if this can happen to me, it can happen to ANYONE, including my wife. I don't look for these things to happen and neither does my wife, but they can still happen! I HAVE NOT CHEATED AND I'M NOT GOING TO!!!!!
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