grampi Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I've been married (only once) and to the same woman for 23 years now. I would say our marrige is fine. You know the typical we're now comfortable together but the white-hot passion has long since deminished type of marrige. We have two beautiful daughters and everything was going fine until last weekend...... While at a friend's house I met a very cute gal and we hit it off immediately. There was instant chemistry. She is 36 and I'm 51 (I'm very attracted to the younger gals). I have flirted with several women over the years, but I've never cheated on my wife. I don't go looking for these situations, they just seem to happen as this one did last weekend. But this time things were different. I'm so attracted to this person I almost can't contain my passion. I haven't felt like this since my wife and I first met. You don't realize how much you miss this feeling of complete passion eutopia until you experience it again. It's a high from hell! I've never been worried in the past about being able to not act on these feelings, but this time I'm scared. I don't know if I can resist. I love my wife and so far I've been completely faithful, but I know if I do anything with this person it'll mean a certain devorice with my wife. I won't be able to live with the guilt and my wife would not tolerate my cheating, and rightly so. I have seen this new person more than once, but we haven't done anything yet, not even kissed......but we both want to very badly! I'm going to hold out as long as I can but I can feel my ability to resist weakening. I don't know what to do???????????? Have any of you been in this situation?
Sam Spade Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) Instead of waffling for a long time, you have a choice to make. Either stick to your family and do the right thing, or divorce your wife and hook up with whoever you want (which would be the right thing in its own way). But waffling and basically trying to rationalize an affair will get you nowhere (except to getting your azz kicked by me ). You are 51. Think for a second about what legacy you want to leave ("Do whatever feels good at the moment?" vs. "Do what's right any time?". the urges are understandable, but you can look down the rabbit hole without letting yourself fall in it... ESPECIALLY given that there does not seem to be any particular problem in your marriage. Edited November 13, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
spookie Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Um, how about NEVER SEE THIS PERSON AGAIN. I am sickened by your post. Nowhere did you even reference your wife's feelings. It was all about you - how you feel about this woman, how the consequences of sleeping with her will affect you.
Lucky_One Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Don't do it, man. Don't jeopardize your marriage. Take this excitement and channel it towards your wife. And stop seeing this other girl. You really CAN stop seeing her, you know.
Kamille Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I once had an insane unexplainable attraction to someone who was utterly unavailable (we were both taken, and he was kind of my boss). I had never experienced anything like it. What I did? I walked away from it. Left it alone. I still sometimes think about that man, but it's now more as a fun fantasy. Stop seeing this person and focus on finding ways to bring romance back into your marriage. (When's the last time you two went out on a date - where the goal is dressing up and seducing each other?)
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Choices...And a test of your faith, your vows, your love, respect, for your wife. Is a possible affair, (atleast a one night stand) worth THROWING AWAY 23 years of marriage, a history with your wife? If so, then go ahead and do it. Just own it and don't blame anyone but yourself.. I REALLY HOPE you tell this girl goodbye and never see/talk to her again. Any kind of contact now is only going to tempt you, put you in a spot where you won't want to say "no". You have a good marriage, a good life. Family, friends, the house, kids, inlaws..A life created with your wife. KEEP all this in mind .. And, what you have with this younger woman is just lust/sex/crush like feelings that ARE normal, we all feel at times, but it's just wrong to pursue her and act upon them. Sure, it feels good to be desired by someone else, or feel sexually interested in someone else.. BUT, at the end of the day, you don't know this girl at all.. It's all based on selfish feelings, on the expense of your wife!! Take your wife out. Go on a date, give her flowers, romance her, make her feel loved and special.. Focus this energy into your marriage...
Ody Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Have any of you been in this situation? If you keep seeing this person you will eventually cheat. Just keep that in mind when deciding what to do. It may seem like there is grey area but there is not. I second the advice to break off contact.
ADF Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I've been married (only once) and to the same woman for 23 years now. I would say our marrige is fine. You know the typical we're now comfortable together but the white-hot passion has long since deminished type of marrige. We have two beautiful daughters and everything was going fine until last weekend...... While at a friend's house I met a very cute gal and we hit it off immediately. There was instant chemistry. She is 36 and I'm 51 (I'm very attracted to the younger gals). I have flirted with several women over the years, but I've never cheated on my wife. I don't go looking for these situations, they just seem to happen as this one did last weekend. But this time things were different. I'm so attracted to this person I almost can't contain my passion. I haven't felt like this since my wife and I first met. You don't realize how much you miss this feeling of complete passion eutopia until you experience it again. It's a high from hell! I've never been worried in the past about being able to not act on these feelings, but this time I'm scared. I don't know if I can resist. I love my wife and so far I've been completely faithful, but I know if I do anything with this person it'll mean a certain devorice with my wife. I won't be able to live with the guilt and my wife would not tolerate my cheating, and rightly so. I have seen this new person more than once, but we haven't done anything yet, not even kissed......but we both want to very badly! I'm going to hold out as long as I can but I can feel my ability to resist weakening. I don't know what to do???????????? Have any of you been in this situation? Grampi, I hate to tell you this, but you're a stereotype. The classic 50+ year old guy who "likes the younger gals." Thailand is full of guys like you. Well, At least you are going after 30-somethings rather than 20-somethings. You say things like you won't be able to resist, you might not be able to help yourself. Nonsense. Those are just excuses for not taking responsibility for your actions. It is normal for married people to find others attractive. But you need to carefully think through the consequences of your actions.
crazy_grl Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) I'll give you some credit for asking for advice before having done anything. But if after considering that advice, you make a calculated choice to cheat on your wife with this lady, I'll think you're pretty much scum. First, think about what kind of example you want to set for your daughters. Second, you once had these same feelings for your wife. Put the energy you would expend on this new woman into reigniting things with your wife instead. Don't see this new woman again. Don't find excuses to spend time with her. If you decide that's not what you want to do, tell your wife you'd like a divorce. Then you can start dating this new woman all you want. But if you're not prepared to divorce your wife BEFORE you get involved with this woman, you probably won't be after either. You'll break both this woman's and, more importantly, your wife's heart because you were being completely selfish. Like most cheaters, you'll be blubbering like a baby and begging your wife to forgive you because your life with her is so much more important to you than your new fling. And if she's smart, she won't forgive you, because by cheating, you'll have proven that getting your jollies is more important than your life with her. It's really not so exciting when you take a few minutes and think about how much long term misery a little short term thrill will cause. Edited November 13, 2009 by crazy_grl
Fun2BMe Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 She might be your soulmate. It won't hurt to get to know her and find out what you have in common and how things would go should you choose to become a couple.
sumdude Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) Are you willing to look your wife in the eyes and lie, lie, lie like a cheap rug? Are you willing to kiss your children goodnight and be a liar liar pants on fire? Oh I bet you tell yourself just this once.. but like cocaine that excitement and rush of the new sex.. the making secret plans just keeps you coming back for more. Your choice.. I also suggest you go to the Separation/Divorce forum and see how deep the emotional damage of an affair and divorce can go. Then go to the Other Man/Woman forum and see the desperation there. Edited November 13, 2009 by sumdude
Phateless Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I've been married (only once) and to the same woman for 23 years now. I would say our marrige is fine. You know the typical we're now comfortable together but the white-hot passion has long since deminished type of marrige. We have two beautiful daughters and everything was going fine until last weekend...... While at a friend's house I met a very cute gal and we hit it off immediately. There was instant chemistry. She is 36 and I'm 51 (I'm very attracted to the younger gals). I have flirted with several women over the years, but I've never cheated on my wife. I don't go looking for these situations, they just seem to happen as this one did last weekend. But this time things were different. I'm so attracted to this person I almost can't contain my passion. I haven't felt like this since my wife and I first met. You don't realize how much you miss this feeling of complete passion eutopia until you experience it again. It's a high from hell! I've never been worried in the past about being able to not act on these feelings, but this time I'm scared. I don't know if I can resist. I love my wife and so far I've been completely faithful, but I know if I do anything with this person it'll mean a certain devorice with my wife. I won't be able to live with the guilt and my wife would not tolerate my cheating, and rightly so. I have seen this new person more than once, but we haven't done anything yet, not even kissed......but we both want to very badly! I'm going to hold out as long as I can but I can feel my ability to resist weakening. I don't know what to do???????????? Have any of you been in this situation? You just avoid her bro. There's nothing else to it. You've made a decision to do right by your wife and you have to follow through, no matter how hard that may be.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) I'm not at my computer to bring up the link right now BUT if you willread it I'll do it tomorrow. There is a poster here, notsure7 who has a thread that spands his affair through the discovery and a few on reconcilliation. Read that post by post and if you still want to persue this woman then you will be doing it atleast knowing what you're getting yourself into. And my guess is you're not the only 51 year old man who is attracted to younger women! Edited November 13, 2009 by IfWishesWereHorses
aerogurl87 Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 If you think that screwing this new hot younger woman is more important than having a relationship with your wife and daughters, then go for it. If you think your newfound fling is worth throwing away all respect your daughters and wife have for you, then go for it. Now if you do go for it after thinking about these two things, then you deserve every consequence your actions will bring in the long run.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Um, how about NEVER SEE THIS PERSON AGAIN. I am sickened by your post. Nowhere did you even reference your wife's feelings. It was all about you - how you feel about this woman, how the consequences of sleeping with her will affect you. No kidding. She might be your soulmate. It won't hurt to get to know her and find out what you have in common and how things would go should you choose to become a couple. WTF? "Won't hurt" WHOM? Are you ****ing kidding me? It'll hurt his daughters to find out their father is a ****ing dog. It'll hurt his WIFE who has given 23 faithful years to him. It'll hurt anyone that is friends/family to the married couple. This is horrible advice. Complete disrespect for the sanctity of marriage. divorce is a bitch Especially if you piss the woman off. Grampi - I would highly recommend you get in and see a counselor for at least yourself. Then I'd recommend marriage counseling to get more open communication going with your wife. I'd rather have the open, honest communication where my H could tell me he's having these kinds of thoughts about another woman, but that he respects me enough to be strong and resist them - what can we do to work on it.
Tziannia Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I've been the lover to a married man. He has been happily married for 20 years, but their 'white hot passion' has long since subsided. I've met, and socialized with his wife, and she is aware that I have been sexual with her husband... While it makes her uncomfortable, she knows that at the end of the night, he goes home to her. I attain sexual gratification (which is what I enjoy, being 25 and very independent, and he attains an exciting vacation from the normal). Interestingly for their marriage, both occasionally have lovers, to attain that 'dose' of passion. It's a functional thing, not an overwhelming-or-divorce inducing contemplation... If you want to **** the 36 year old, **** her... But don't forget that you've been happily married for decades, and that kind of connection transcends any passionate longing you may have for someone who is at a different stage than you are... Remember, long term relationships develop when people grow together. Ask your wife, does she ever have sexual longing for others? Although this may be treading on very thin ice, I believe that open communication is better than secrets. Perhaps the both of you can look/think outside the box and keep your marriage together
Author grampi Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 You're all right (well, except for the person who said this gal may be my soul mate) and I've known what I have to do all along. I guess I just needed to hear it from a few others to help me regain some of my confidence. I'll be seeing her next weekend and that's when I'll tell her it's over. It's not going to be easy because I really care about her, but it'll be a lot easier than having to go through the mess of throwing away 23 years of marrige and everything that would go along with it. My wife and family are far more important to me. Thanks to everyone for knocking the sense back into my head. signed, still faithful
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192097/ Here's the link to NotSure7's story. Its very sad but it goes through the highs and lows of his affair and his wife's discovery. A VERY long read but worth it in my opinion for a man in a "good" marriage who is considering an affair.
Sharon1961 Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 You're all right (well, except for the person who said this gal may be my soul mate) and I've known what I have to do all along. I guess I just needed to hear it from a few others to help me regain some of my confidence. I'll be seeing her next weekend and that's when I'll tell her it's over. It's not going to be easy because I really care about her, but it'll be a lot easier than having to go through the mess of throwing away 23 years of marrige and everything that would go along with it. My wife and family are far more important to me. Thanks to everyone for knocking the sense back into my head. signed, still faithful I really hope you haven't led this poor girl on too much. Hope you haven't had talks about soul mates and how wonderful she is, etc. etc. Try and keep in mind that this woman (the "other woman") is a person, too. It won't be easy? I think it's very easy to not involve other people in your midlife crisis.
Author grampi Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 I really hope you haven't led this poor girl on too much. Hope you haven't had talks about soul mates and how wonderful she is, etc. etc. Try and keep in mind that this woman (the "other woman") is a person, too. It won't be easy? I think it's very easy to not involve other people in your midlife crisis. She's actually led me on, but the problem is this time I allowed myself to go along with it and I clearly shouldn't have. I will end it and I'll do it as sweetly and nicely as I possibly can. I really do care about her and I don't want to hurt her feelings.
CarrieT Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 ...There was instant chemistry.... ...But this time things were different.... ...I'm so attracted to this person I almost can't contain my passion.... ...I haven't felt like this since my wife and I first met... ...You don't realize how much you miss this feeling of complete passion utopia until you experience it again... ....It's a high from hell!... And you know what? It is a chemical endorphin that DOES NOT LAST. Read through these boards about all of the people who have had the exact same experience, destroyed their marriages for "that complete passion," and how it dissipates. Remember that you had that with your wife? If you destroy your marriage for this girl and live 20 years with her, you certainly are not going to have these same feelings a year or two into that relationship AND you will have destroyed your family in the process.
Soulmind Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 (edited) Take it as a sign that you need to "revive" your marriage. Your wife will do anything to make you happy (you said your marriage is good) but this new girl could leave you for a new young guy... is not a good picture is it? LOVE YOUR WIFE. Edited November 14, 2009 by Soulmind
BG1985 Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Don't even see this girl next weekend. It could be too tempting to resist. End it RIGHT NOW. Call her and tell her what's up.
boogieboy Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Think about it this way...that woman might be seeing you as a novelty as an older gentleman. She might have had men her age not treating her with chivalry and such. There have been women on this board who have been with guys your age for a while, then decide after a while that they dont like the visual age difference anymore. If you think you can deal with being alone after a divorce, then go for it. But you have to take into consideration that this woman might lose interest when she gets you, your marriage will be roooned, and you will be looking for love on dating websites and heartbroken. Wanna go that way?
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