my story as the OW

[hopeless4u]

Well if I'm gonna do this I may as well start from the beginning, we met 2yrs ago, a party, some flirting and spent the night together but I wouldn't sleep with him, we talked, messed around and slept! We still had no intimate contact, just kissed for maybe 4-5 months but that was where the damage was done. We made friends, got to know each other, talked about our lives, past, present and what we'd like for the future. We never expected to fall in love but we did and we both suffer guilt every day, him for what he's doing to me and his W, me for what he's going through and if his W ever found out(believe it or not I don't want to hurt her) He tells me they are on the verge of separation and have had problems for yrs but if he leaves her he has to leave because they have nothing left not because of me and I can understand that, if we do end up together I don't want him blaming me. At the moment we are at the stage of him trying to please me the OW and his W and its got to be the hardest situation I have ever been in. He says he loves his W but is not in love with her, loves me more than he has ever loved anyone in his life and can't imagine life without me. We have tried to split up but always end up back together. I have no problem with meeting other men and have told him if I meet someone who ticks all the boxes he does but without the W then I will end it but deep down I don't want anyone else. I know until he leaves I will still be sat by myself every night and I also know he may never leave her. If I was on the outside looking in I would be the 1st to say get out but you really can't help who you fall in love with. Hopefully someone will challenge me on my situation and help me see sense to walk away, after all this is why we are all here isn't it??

[MizFit]

Hi there fellow countryperson...if I were a betting girl I'd get to Coral and put a bet on the fact he's going nowhere.

 

Everything in your story is so similar to mine except my MM never said he'd leave home...just the opposite, he said he would never leave home unless he was caught and kicked out. Well...2 nights ago he was caught...last night he called to confirm he was going back home and we said our final goodbyes.

 

You're in a horrible spot...do you stay where you are and enjoy what time you get from him? Do you endure the long nights...do you sit there at 11 pm every night and wonder if they're having sex or just cuddled up on the couch watching a movie. Maybe it's something so simple as having a meal and laughing at something inconsequential. Sitting at home hurts...I have to say I'm very pleased my A has ended...it hurts like holy he!!, but I now know it's done and even though I know I'll think of him every day it should ease.

 

Having said that...if he hadn't been caught I'd still be home waiting and wondering.

 

There are no simple answers and you don't need anyone to challenge you. You know you don't want to be in your situation, but you're holding out for the glimmer of hope it'll be better. Every time you get frustrated and feel like your insides are going to shake apart and you want to end it you find another bit of hope to cling to.

 

You'll end it when you want to...when in your mind the bad outweighs the good. When being apart from him is harder than being with him is good.

 

Hold tight hun and watch the forum. Learn from others...ask questions.

 

Take care...xx

[fooled once]

Unfortunately, your story is no different from almost every OW.

 

You 'didn't' mean to fall in love, but what do people think will happen with 2 people who spend too much time together, crossing boundaries????

 

Let him go. Let him put 100% into his marriage. If he comes back in 6-12 months - then fine. But with you in the picture, he can't focus on, repair or restore his marriage.

 

You can't enjoy being alone each night.

 

You can't enjoy knowing the holidays are coming and you will be alone.

 

You can't enjoy waiting for the phone to ring, hoping it is him and he has some spare time.

 

Stop letting him come to you to fill his needs. That is what his wife is for and IF he REALLY is planning to separate, let him.

 

Tell him to look you up when he is divorced.

 

You are going to continue in this misery until you say enough.

[MizFit]

Unfortunately, your story is no different from almost every OW.

 

You 'didn't' mean to fall in love, but what do people think will happen with 2 people who spend too much time together, crossing boundaries????

 

Let him go. Let him put 100% into his marriage. If he comes back in 6-12 months - then fine. But with you in the picture, he can't focus on, repair or restore his marriage.

 

You can't enjoy being alone each night.

 

You can't enjoy knowing the holidays are coming and you will be alone.

 

You can't enjoy waiting for the phone to ring, hoping it is him and he has some spare time.

 

Stop letting him come to you to fill his needs. That is what his wife is for and IF he REALLY is planning to separate, let him.

 

Tell him to look you up when he is divorced.

 

You are going to continue in this misery until you say enough.

 

The 1 point I want to focus on is letting him go back and giving 100%...I tried to talk my MM into doing it quite a few times and he never did. The problem was that even if I'd gone NC he'd not have changed his actions. He would have gone back halfheartedly and then he'd have fished for me...I wouldn't have been strong enough to say no. The thing about them going back is you have to be sure they are ready to give it their all or they are just going and treading water.

 

The sooner you can get that going the better. It's painful as anything because you feel like you've lost him forever and quite possibly you have. Just think...you could be in my shoes, wait till Dday and truly lose him forever. At least if you can arrange the break then you control it.

 

I know I can say all of that and you'll read it and understand, but when it comes to doing it you'll be just as I was. You'll just wait...we're human. Don't beat yourself up over it, but stop losing yourself in it. Fooled is right...holidays coming up...it's going to be tough.

[jwi71]

He tells me they are on the verge of separation and have had problems for yrs

 

uh-huh.

sure.

 

but if he leaves her he has to leave because they have nothing left not because of me and I can understand that, if we do end up together I don't want him blaming me

What a curious thing to say. Blaming you? If they are unhappy and on the verge of splitting up...why would he BLAME you? Shouldn't he be THANKFUL for you and the life you offer? Blame? Very odd.

 

Oh. Wait. No its not. He will BLAME you for ruining his perfectly good thing (W and OW). He will BLAME you for upsetting HIS happiness.

 

You only blame when something GOOD goes BAD. Not when something goes from BAD to BETTER.

. At the moment we are at the stage of him trying to please me the OW and his W and its got to be the hardest situation I have ever been in

I can imagine. M-W-F for you, Weekends with the W. All that scheduling and lying and excusing has GOT to be exhausting. Poor Guy. Sniff.

 

/sarcasm off

 

Look...its hard for YOU because he wants it that way.

 

. He says he loves his W but is not in love with her, loves me more than he has ever loved anyone in his life and can't imagine life without me.

Battlecry of cheaters everywhere...I love you but Im not in love with you.

And you are the love of his life. Right. Well then. HE can certainly make the love of his life number one by divorcing his W and going public with you.

 

Makes sense to me...you are, after all, the love of his life and he can't imagine his life without you. But I think he meant to say:

 

"You are the love of my life as long as you are hidden, on the side, compliant, sitting by the phone and pining for even the SLIGHTEST of attention"

 

Hey, I'm sure, simply forgot to say that last bit.

 

. I have no problem with meeting other men and have told him if I meet someone who ticks all the boxes he does but without the W then I will end it but deep down I don't want anyone else.

Likely HE knows you aren't going anywhere.

Let's be real. He's happy as a clam and your life basically svcks. HE ain't leaving darling. He's NOT changing a thing...and why the hell would he?

 

NO man will ever compare until you take of the rose colored glasses, step back and think rationally. Your heart is your enemey here. Trust your brain. Does what he says match what he does? Of course not. Why not?

 

Oh yeah...his W. The one he loves and protects. Just think of which one of you two(?) women HE CHOOSES to leave out in the cold. Yup...YOU. How do you reconcile that against what he says.

 

(he's lying to you)

I know until he leaves I will still be sat by myself every night and I also know he may never leave her.

And what is he doing? And which of you two is CHOOSING to be apart...(not you)...and what does this ACTION tell you?

If I was on the outside looking in I would be the 1st to say get out

Keep using that wonderful brain of yours...

 

but you really can't help who you fall in love with

Yes you can. Think about it. You may have felt an attraction but that attraction DIES unless you ACT on it. How could you love him if you had, after seeing the wedding ring (or learning he was married), walked away? See where I'm going?

. Hopefully someone will challenge me on my situation and help me see sense to walk away, after all this is why we are all here isn't it??

The easiest way I know of is this:

HE CHOOSES HIS WIFE OVER YOU.

Don't think so? Which one of you two is alone? And who CHOOSES that?

 

I hate to say it but there is NO EASY WAY OUT.

Cold turkey NC. Hard as hell. But I promise its EASIER than your life now should you continue.

 

JW

[hopeless4u]

Thanks for all the advice, it helps to know other people have been in the same situation and I am taking it all on board even the bits I don't want to hear! I totally agree with all of the above and will try to be strong. He has been to MC with his W but felt he only went to please her, he has a C for himself who knows about me and he says she helps him understand himself and why he's doing what he's doing because he can be truthful with her. I know he puts his W 1st and I tell him this all the time but in 2 yrs nothing has changed and I know deep down it never will but walking away is easier said than done. We have done the 'no contact' thing a number of times but always end up back on the merry go round, we both say we cant carry on like this but neither of us seem to be able to make 'that' decision! When I said he doesn't want to 'blame' me I meant he needs to feel he's left her because there is nothing left to save not because the grass is greener with me but I totally understand what you mean and had not looked at it like that before. MizFit you are so right about the long nights and the weekends being the worst, I do see him most days after work but he always leaves the same time so he doesn't raise suspicion at home, he txt's me all night as soon as he's home and over the weekend but its not enough and he knows that. Thanks again for the advice and hopefully something will slap me in the face and help me say that final goodbye but until then it looks like its lots of typing for me!! xx

[fooled once]

Thanks for all the advice, it helps to know other people have been in the same situation and I am taking it all on board even the bits I don't want to hear! I totally agree with all of the above and will try to be strong. He has been to MC with his W but felt he only went to please her, he has a C for himself who knows about me and he says she helps him understand himself and why he's doing what he's doing because he can be truthful with her. I know he puts his W 1st and I tell him this all the time but in 2 yrs nothing has changed and I know deep down it never will but walking away is easier said than done. We have done the 'no contact' thing a number of times but always end up back on the merry go round, we both say we cant carry on like this but neither of us seem to be able to make 'that' decision! When I said he doesn't want to 'blame' me I meant he needs to feel he's left her because there is nothing left to save not because the grass is greener with me but I totally understand what you mean and had not looked at it like that before. MizFit you are so right about the long nights and the weekends being the worst, I do see him most days after work but he always leaves the same time so he doesn't raise suspicion at home, he txt's me all night as soon as he's home and over the weekend but its not enough and he knows that. Thanks again for the advice and hopefully something will slap me in the face and help me say that final goodbye but until then it looks like its lots of typing for me!! xx

 

I do agree with the fact that after you KNEW he was married, you chose to ignore that and ACT on any feelings you may have had. You put yourself in this situation. You are giving him the green light to continue this situation because you are choosing to NOT demand respect and to be a priority.

 

You, through YOUR actions, have allowed this to continue.

 

YOU keep going back; you keep letting him in. So in many ways, you don't want things to change because if you gave him an ultimateum right now, you know you would lose. That is why many OW continue to be in limbo land because they refuse to put a stop to it. They continue to allow themselves (me included when I was in an A) to be used.

 

No one is going to tell you it will be easy to walk away. But in order for you to be able to heal, to grieve and to eventually move on, YOU must stop contact. YOU must not answer a text, not answer a phone call, not answer an email.

 

And, this always makes me curious as I see so many OW who say it "He texts me all the time, at night at home". What does that mean? That he cares? Okay, that is already a given. So what if he sends a text. It doesn't mean he is willing to change his life for you. It doesn't mean anything except you are a secret. You are still alone. Does a text comfort you vs having HIM there with you? Anyone can send a text. A real man ends on relationship before starting a new one. A real man doesn't string along another woman, doesn't play with her heart.

 

There are many OW who truly have no issue with not being the 'main' woman in a MM's life. And IMHO - every single OW is NOT the main woman in the man's life. His main woman is the one he goes home to each night, the one he shares a name with, the one he shares children with, the one he shares a home with, the one he shares his past with, the one he discusses his future with. Not the woman who gets a few hours here and there. Yes, there are OW here who allow the MM to become a part of her life; but these OW are not a part of HIS life - these women are not the priority in his life. Many don't know his children, many don't know his family. They don't share holiday dinners with his family. These women, if lucky, get a few hours during the holidays --- but spend Christmas morning without the one they love, don't ring in the new year with him. Don't wake up beside him on New Year's Day.

 

Instead, they get a quick text saying "Happy New Year - I love you"; which is suppose to be enough for the OW.

 

Demand MORE for yourself. Demand to be #1.

 

Like I said, I know it won't be easy, but you knew that going in. If you really really are done, then BE DONE.

 

((hug))

 

Good luck.

[NoIDidn't]

I do agree with the fact that after you KNEW he was married, you chose to ignore that and ACT on any feelings you may have had. You put yourself in this situation. You are giving him the green light to continue this situation because you are choosing to NOT demand respect and to be a priority.

 

You, through YOUR actions, have allowed this to continue.

 

YOU keep going back; you keep letting him in. So in many ways, you don't want things to change because if you gave him an ultimateum right now, you know you would lose. That is why many OW continue to be in limbo land because they refuse to put a stop to it. They continue to allow themselves (me included when I was in an A) to be used.

 

No one is going to tell you it will be easy to walk away. But in order for you to be able to heal, to grieve and to eventually move on, YOU must stop contact. YOU must not answer a text, not answer a phone call, not answer an email.

 

Very astute observation.

 

The claim is always made that the MP hasn't changed anything in the Affair Relationship (AR) for X amount of weeks/months/years. But the real question really is what has the OP done differently?

 

If you want a different outcome, you have to do something differently. Can't blame the MP for not making you a priority when you haven't been making you and your needs a priority as well.

 

I really don't think that some OPs realize how easy they make it for the MP to STAY MARRIED vs. get a divorce. I really don't.

[MizFit]

Very astute observation.

 

The claim is always made that the MP hasn't changed anything in the Affair Relationship (AR) for X amount of weeks/months/years. But the real question really is what has the OP done differently?

 

If you want a different outcome, you have to do something differently. Can't blame the MP for not making you a priority when you haven't been making you and your needs a priority as well.

 

I really don't think that some OPs realize how easy they make it for the MP to STAY MARRIED vs. get a divorce. I really don't.

 

 

The thing I'm having a hard time with on NC are all of the unfinished issues. He was interviewing for a new job...he had a few other bits at work I had been talking to him about at length. I have an anniversary of a horrific event in my life coming up...just the bits that 'end' with the relationship. In all honesty it's as with any breakup or death...there are always the things you wish you'd said etc.

 

I would give you the advice from my astounding 4 days of NC...make sure you say everything you need to. Make sure that if you truly never want to see him again you tell him that. If you want him to contact you in a year or 6 months or at any time the marriage doesn't work then tell him. I'm not talking about waiting for him-you need to assume it's over totally, but you also owe it to yourself to be given the option if you want it, if it comes to pass. Set your guidelines...no hiding...divorce papers in hand...dating. Tell him what you expect so there is no question that if he comes back it's on your terms. Then when the NC ensues...forget you ever said it and assume you'll never see him again.

 

Sorry...went off on a bit of a tangent!

[hopeless4u]

hey Mizfit, how's things? I hope you're ok, I know how the NC feels. Our situations are closer than you know, I to was a BW, a long time ago now and I was devastated, I'm over it now but it makes me being with a MM is as much of shock to me as anyone, I've been reading your posts and I to agree the W is not the OW problem, that said I do feel like a fraud as I left my H for cheating.

 

I as a BW knew within 3 wks something wasn't right(we'd been together 15yrs) so I asked him outright, he said he wasn't so I gave him the chance to end it, knowing now he'd been busted but he didn't, I caught him red handed 2 wks later in a toilet in our local pub(classy eh!) needless to say I left him!!

Back to the BW not being my problem,in my case the reason I feel like that is she must know, they have been M for 24yrs, how can you not know and she chooses to ignore it.

My question to the BS/BW is when your H cheated how didn't you know and if you did know and did nothing, why?

[2sure]

Think about what you said "you cant help who you fall in love with".

 

Come on. You CAN. You have to. Women especially need to recognize this and embrace it.

 

Women who believe they have no personal control over who they fall in love with...are the same women who end up in crappy relationships with losers, abusers, or men who are unavailable in one way or another.

 

PLEASE rethink this if nothing else.

[hopeless4u]

Yeah I understand your point and of course in cases of loser's etc but when a man is interesting and the kind of guy you would normally go for its a different thing I think. It was probably a bad choice of words for me choose. I meant more along the lines of sometimes you don't see it coming, I got to know my MM and we hadn't been physical at this point, we knew things were getting serious so we ended it and that was when it hit me, when he wasn't around I felt empty, I missed catching up with his day to day goings on. He sometimes works in my office and he even went as far as to rearrange meetings so they were at other offices but we are both just so weak!By then the damage had been done. I'm not proud of what we are doing and know the right thing to do is walk away but as I said we are weak.