Blindlove Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 My husband of 9 years cheated on me the first 5 years of our marriage , over 4 times and confessed to me earlier in march. I told him aswell that i had an emotional affair back in 2007 for 2 months. I told my husband that we need space to think things thru. He didn’t want to . He wanted us to work thing out with no seperation. All this has left me lost leading me to another emotional affair. Husband has discovered it and left home. Now i regret with all heart what i have done to him. He is hurting and i am hurt because i don’t know what i have become. I don’t know who i am but i don’t want to keep being this monster. I have ruined my marriage and taked away the happiness from our 3 children. So the question is : How to i show him that i was blind and niave , and regret every moment and want him back. Men, what are his thoughts and emotions after i have failed him twice? Would he ever forgive me? How can i win him back and prove to him that he is the man i do love with all my heart? Thank you
seibert253 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) You H is one confused cat. On one hand, judging by what you wrote, he's carrying alot of guilt, hurt, and pain for what he's put you through. He wanted to do right and try and make this right. Sounds as if he "came back" to the marriage and wanted to make it right. Remorseful WS's feel guilt and pain for what they've put their BS through. (My FWW would just lose it, break down and cry at the drop of a hat. I would hold her and all she could say was "I'm so sorry, please don't leave me") On the other hand, he is now getting it from the other side, his wife has betrayed him. Now he's feeling the same guilt, hurt, and pain this time as a BS. He's feeling hurt because he came back to the marriage, and you left it. He is probably feeling exactly how you are. He's having to deal with what he did to you, and now what you did to him. Now what? If you love your husband and are commited to repairing your marriage, he needs to know this and hear it from you. He needs to see, hear, and feel your remorse and sorrow for what you've done, as you also need to have that from him. He needs to hear and see that you are commited to him and your family, and you love him. He needs to know that nothing like this will ever happen again, and overtime you want to regain his trust, as he needs to also regain your trust. He needs to see and know that you will never contact the OM again, and the relationship with the OM is over. He needs to know and see your openess, honesty, and total transparency about your life. You need this from him also. He needs to hear and know you will answer any questions from him about what happened, at any time. You deserve this from him also. If you two agree to work this out, and I'm confident you can, you both need MC and IC. You cannot complete this journey alone and without help. Also, you cannot complete this when one of the spouses is living outside the residence. Together you stand, divided you will fall. The hurtle you will have is that you've done this before, and you've been caught again. It may be too much for him to take, and he may be done. He may not be able to ever trust you again. I made it crystal clear to my wife, if she EVER became involved in another type of A or inappropriate relationship with another man, or marriage was over. She knows this is her one and only second chance. I sorry to say this, but your second chance may be up. Keep us updated. I'm praying for you and your family. Edited November 13, 2009 by seibert253
iamstrongernow Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 seibert253 is so on target. I will put it like this. As a BH he wants to see you give and say and do more then you ever gave AP. I pray you can step up and he can accept. I hate cheating but hate divorce even more.
wheelwright Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Do you know why you had EAs? Do you know why your H had ONSs? Perhaps you need to answer these questions before you can get back with him. Can you work this out together? In MC? You need to work it out, or you will have to move on. And also, is there anything in his past which makes your emotional abandoning relevant? There might be a lot to think about here.
ADF Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I am going to go out on a limb here, but maybe you two shouldn't be married. You've both cheated on each other repeatedly--what is going to change, exactly? After 9 years, 3 kids? Maybe it's time to let each other go and just focus on being good parents to your kids rather than partners to each other.
Devil Inside Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Blindlove...I can empathize with your situation. I had an A. My wife had more than one EA. It is not a fun place to be. First I would say that you really need to figure yourself out. What is it that you want. You then need to figure out why you strayed. I also wonder what kind of work was done after he cheated. Did you two just sweep it under the rug? I'm sorry for your situation. I know how hard it is. My W and I are still trying to figure our situation out.
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