teasing gone too far...or something

[Double]

My ex-bf had a personality disorder and was emotionally abusive. One of the things that caused tension between us: He is a morning person; I am a night person. The fact that I needed to stay up later and sleep in a little (not jump out of bed at 630 or 7am bursting with energy) made me lazy and a whore in his mind. Yes, of course I know that is ridiculous, but after several years of this treatment, my self-esteem took a hit (that's how it works, right?).

 

I read a lot of self-help books and went to therapy, which helped me to finally end that relationship for good, and move on. I continued the therapy for 7 months after the break up before I even thought about dating anyone else. I was disgusted with myself for having let someone treat me that way for so long, blamed myself, etc. I needed help getting over that, and figuring out how to set and enforce healthy boundaries and so on.

 

Met current bf; he's great.

 

Graduated with a masters in May and am currently unemployed, despite having applied to (and followed up on, etc.) hundreds of jobs. I'm volunteering, working part-time, and working on a personal project in the meantime to keep myself busy, in addition to continuing my job search. But, being unemployed hasn't been good for my self-esteem, and I'm really stressed out about it.

 

Been spending a lot of my time at bf's house lately; and we're talking about moving in together, but that's on hold because I don't want to live with someone if I can't afford to contribute to the rent or mortgage.

 

Okay, I'm rambling. My point with that is that I don't really have to get up in the morning - he gets up at 7:30 and leaves for work around 8:30, which is when I get up. He always wakes me up when he wakes up and we kind of chat in the morning while I'm trying to wake up and he's getting ready for work (I've told him that if he made coffee in the morning I'd get up at any time, but he hasn't done it, not that he has to).

 

The last couple days he's been making comments, kind of teasing me, about sleeping in. This morning he really got into me about it. He didn't sound mean, and I think he was just teasing me, but it really upset me, probably because of a combination of my ex and this issue, and my low self-esteem in regards to being unemployed. I couldn't help but take his comments as putting me down, even if he didn't mean them.

 

So I said something; he apologized and said he didn't mean to make me feel bad. I said "I know" and that was it. I wasn't acting upset or mad, but I did get up (it was about 8am) and started getting ready for the day. Guess he could tell that what he said really bothered me, because he apologized again and said "go back to bed."

 

Probably now I'm going to stop spending so much time at his place during the week, and I know I'm going to feel self-conscious on the weekend, as I know he likes to sleep in, and now I'm going to feel like I need to get up and get going first thing.

 

I don't think he was judging me, and I'm trying to not be so dramatic about this, and I know my ex's behavior and my allowance of such treatment has nothing to do with my current bf and I shouldn't let it affect our relationship, but I do feel judged, I might be acting dramatic about it (I can't tell, am I?), and I guess I probably am letting it affect me/us.

 

I'm also really upset that this has gotten me so upset, if that makes sense. I thought I was pretty much over this crap.

 

Sorry this is so long. If you made it this far...can you help me out?

[gtrguy]

No offense and going to be brutally honest here.. It would annoy the sh*t out of me if my g/f was sleeping in since May and I was up every morning going to work (which I do).. Especially if she wasn't contributing at all monetarily to the relationship.. Maybe you have a pattern if both your relationships are noticing you are very lazy in the mornings?? I'm sorry but if you have a masters degree and have been out of work since May, there is an issue there.. The economy has turned around completely and someone with a masters degree should have no problem obtaining a full-time position if they hit the pavement hard looking for a job. If you are sleeping in on a daily basis, you aren't working hard enough for that job.

[Double]

No offense and going to be brutally honest here.. It would annoy the sh*t out of me if my g/f was sleeping in since May and I was up every morning going to work (which I do).. Especially if she wasn't contributing at all monetarily to the relationship.. Maybe you have a pattern if both your relationships are noticing you are very lazy in the mornings?? I'm sorry but if you have a masters degree and have been out of work since May, there is an issue there.. The economy has turned around completely and someone with a masters degree should have no problem obtaining a full-time position if they hit the pavement hard looking for a job. If you are sleeping in on a daily basis, you aren't working hard enough for that job.

 

1. I personally don't think getting up at 8:30 on days I don't work is "sleeping in," unless you consider the fact that when I do work I have to get up at 5:30am.

 

2. I never said I wasn't contributing monetarily to the relationship. I said I couldn't afford to chip in on what my bf pays for his mortgage on my p-t job, plus pay my student loans.

 

3. The economy has not completely turned around, what an ignorant thing to say. The unemployment rate has been hovering at close to 10% for two months now, and it is a proven fact that even once the economy (stock market) does begin to recover from a recession, unemployment continues to increase.

 

4. The fact that I have a masters degree makes it even more difficult for me to get a job, because anyone in my field has to pay me more, BY LAW, so of course right now they're going to hire someone else; I have a degree and internships, NOT years of experience which is much more important; anyone outside my field doesn't want to hire me because I have a specific area of expertise and they think I won't stay with their company.

 

5. I put in a full 8 hrs every day, even on days I work or volunteer, on my job hunt.

 

6. Not being a morning person does not make me lazy.

 

7. You clearly did not read this post very well, nor are you a thoughtful person.

Edited November 13, 2009 by Double

[bluewolf17]

Is it possible his comments about you sleeping in..is a sort of passive agressive way of saying it bugs him? I kind of think it is. Irregardless of what you may be doing with your day, maybe he is feeling just a bit resentful of your sleeping in?

 

I'm not attacking you, but I remember when my BF was unemployed for like a year. It drove me nuts that every morning I would get ready for work, and he would just be sleeping like a log..it's not rational, but it is kind of annoying when one person has to be up and at work all day, and that person is imagining you just taking it slow, sleeping in later.

 

Why don't you just talk to him about? Not just about that fact that it hurt your feelings, but really ask him why he said it. Ask him directly if he feels a certain way about your sleeping in later than him.

 

You already said that you work a part time job, and are looking for a job..why not remind him of this?

[VeveCakes]

I have to agree with the others. It's total resentment, and hey - I can't blame him.

 

Are you really getting up at 8:30 every day? I can't imagine him being annoyed from that...but I can understand if you were sleeping in until 10 or 11.

 

Why not get up with him, make breakfast with him, read the paper together etc, then when he leaves go back to bed if you need more sleep for an hour. That way he isn't getting the visual reminder of you looking "lazy", he will appreciate the effort and you aren't losing any sleep.

[Double]

Is it possible his comments about you sleeping in..is a sort of passive agressive way of saying it bugs him? I kind of think it is. Irregardless of what you may be doing with your day, maybe he is feeling just a bit resentful of your sleeping in?

 

I'm not attacking you, but I remember when my BF was unemployed for like a year. It drove me nuts that every morning I would get ready for work, and he would just be sleeping like a log..it's not rational, but it is kind of annoying when one person has to be up and at work all day, and that person is imagining you just taking it slow, sleeping in later.

 

Why don't you just talk to him about? Not just about that fact that it hurt your feelings, but really ask him why he said it. Ask him directly if he feels a certain way about your sleeping in later than him.

 

You already said that you work a part time job, and are looking for a job..why not remind him of this?

 

Thank you for your response, I can handle the other point of view when it's not attacking me, or judgmental, or rude. I will admit that it is sometimes difficult for me to deal with (employed) people telling me how easy it should be for me to get a job, or how easy I have it right now, as I'm extremely upset, stressed, and bordering on depressed about my current situation. I also admit it's difficult for me to comprehend that my situation is difficult for someone else (whom I am not dependent on), because I am so stressed out about it, and trying so hard. I know what my day is like, and it most certainly it's laid back, relaxing, leisurely, etc. Definitely something for me to keep in mind.

 

I agree that his comments might be a little passive aggressive; I think comments said in "jest" have at least some roots in truth/how the person really feels. That being said, I do sometimes doubt that this is the case, given bf's nature, and the nature of his job:

• He makes A LOT of money at his job, but has tons of free time at work (usually about half his 8.5 hr day is work, the other half he is free to do as he wants, which includes leaving work)
  
• On weekends he likes to lay in bed until 1pm, unless I get him up earlier to do something specific
  

 

My post was getting really long, so I didn't want to go in-depth on details, but we did talk about it this morning, beyond the fact that it made me feel bad. Maybe this is because it followed my statement that he was hurting my feelings, but bf insisted that he doesn't really feel that way (and of course I think he really does); that if he were in my situation he'd be sleeping in too; he knows I have other things going on, etc.

[Double]

I have to agree with the others. It's total resentment, and hey - I can't blame him.

 

Are you really getting up at 8:30 every day? I can't imagine him being annoyed from that...but I can understand if you were sleeping in until 10 or 11.

 

Why not get up with him, make breakfast with him, read the paper together etc, then when he leaves go back to bed if you need more sleep for an hour. That way he isn't getting the visual reminder of you looking "lazy", he will appreciate the effort and you aren't losing any sleep.

 

I get up at either 5:30am or 8:30am every single day, for real, yes.

 

His morning routine is like this: Wake up at 7:30am to shut off alarm. Get back into bed, wake me up, cuddle and chat for 20 minutes (he hates getting up in the morning). 7:50am, get in the shower. 8am get back into bed and wake me up again to cuddle and chat. 8:15 or 8:20am get up, finish getting dressed while I get up and start getting ready; 8:30(ish) he comes to the kitchen to drink the protein shake I made him (all he eats for breakfast, no coffee for him), kiss goodbye, head to work.

 

When I don't spend the night he typically sleeps until 8am (his routine since before he met me is to set his alarm at 7:30 and stay in bed hitting the snooze until 8)

[Double]

And just to add, I started this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t206635/ about how bf keeps saying he could get me a job with his company (which would be in the same building for the same company, but we wouldn't work together, near each other, with the same people, or even on the same floor or with the same schedule as each other), but he won't.

 

Some people in that thread suggested that maybe he was trying to feel me out, so I specifically talked to him about it, and he won't do it.

[bluewolf17]

Well, Double... You tell us what the problem is. Seems you are doing everything right. So far the consensus is that he's resentful of your daily activities.

 

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe he was just kidding, and you blew it out of proportion due to your own insecurity, and also the insecurity that your awful ex did you to.

 

You know better than us! I'm curious, what do you think the issue is?

[Double]

Well, Double... You tell us what the problem is. Seems you are doing everything right. So far the consensus is that he's resentful of your daily activities.

 

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe he was just kidding, and you blew it out of proportion due to your own insecurity, and also the insecurity that your awful ex did you to.

 

You know better than us! I'm curious, what do you think the issue is?

 

I don't know...and I don't necessarily think you're wrong; it's just that if you're right, I don't quite understand why, based on what I know about him. I was posting this to hear what other people thought, since I'm not sure if I'm being oversensitive, I'm not sure if he was really honest with me, etc.

 

I know that right now I'm being very defensive, because I do feel like I'm doing everything right, so if it's still a problem, that makes me feel even worse about my situation.

 

I do really appreciate your constructive feedback

[bluewolf17]

Just talk it out! I didn't read your other thread, but does this ex understand that his words hurt you? Really hurt you? Does he know the extent of it?

 

I don't blame you for feeling defensive. This could also be his issue. Maybe his is just being passive agressive. No one's perfect, and he could be trying to hide it, or maybe when you approached him about it, he regretted letting those feelings show.

 

I would give it a couple days. Let the air clear, and then just approach him about it in a "off the cuff" manner. Try not to be emotional about it and be direct and clear. His reply may suprise you!

 

Good luck with the job search.

[Double]

Just talk it out! I didn't read your other thread, but does this ex understand that his words hurt you? Really hurt you? Does he know the extent of it?

 

I don't blame you for feeling defensive. This could also be his issue. Maybe his is just being passive agressive. No one's perfect, and he could be trying to hide it, or maybe when you approached him about it, he regretted letting those feelings show.

 

I would give it a couple days. Let the air clear, and then just approach him about it in a "off the cuff" manner. Try not to be emotional about it and be direct and clear. His reply may suprise you!

 

Good luck with the job search.

I don't have any contact with the ex-bf, and I don't think he understands, but it's probably related to his personality disorder.

 

I did kind of feel like, as you said, he regretted letting his feelings show.

 

Anyways, I think you're right about approaching him about this again in a different manner in a couple days. I'll probably also stop spending so many weeknights with him, that way he won't have to have my unemployment status in his face, nor will I have to hear about it.

 

Thanks, I have a couple interviews next week

[boogieboy]

You need to stop defining yourself by his comments.

 

You dont need to get up until 8:30, OWN IT. Stop worrying about what he thinks. Its not going to change until you get the job you want, IF then. theres no reason for you to be concerned about his teasing. He seems to have a problem with it, thats the way he is, f*ck him. When he says it, you say "Hey, thats the way it is, Deal with it". This is your life, not his, and if you dont have a problem with waking up at 8:30, dont change.

[Double]

You need to stop defining yourself by his comments.

 

You dont need to get up until 8:30, OWN IT. Stop worrying about what he thinks. Its not going to change until you get the job you want, IF then. theres no reason for you to be concerned about his teasing. He seems to have a problem with it, thats the way he is, f*ck him. When he says it, you say "Hey, thats the way it is, Deal with it". This is your life, not his, and if you dont have a problem with waking up at 8:30, dont change.

 

Thanks boogieboy, I actually really needed to hear this

[Double]

Got offered a job yesterday! But I still don't have to get up until 8:30 if I don't want to!

[2sure]

He just for a single moment, was maybe just a little resentful that he had to get up instead of being able to stay in bed with you. Thats it.

 

AND. Even I'm excited you got a job offer!!!!!!!!!

[sedgwick]

The economy has turned around completely

 

When did that happen? Did you alert the major news networks? They seem not to have heard about it.

[Star Gazer]

4. The fact that I have a masters degree makes it even more difficult for me to get a job, because anyone in my field has to pay me more, BY LAW, so of course right now they're going to hire someone else; I have a degree and internships, NOT years of experience which is much more important; anyone outside my field doesn't want to hire me because I have a specific area of expertise and they think I won't stay with their company.

 

Are you not in the U.S.? I've never heard of any such thing.

[New Again]

Are you not in the U.S.? I've never heard of any such thing.

 

I'm not sure about other fields, nor am I sure if it's a law or something else, but an example of something like this that OP may be referring to is education. Every county has a pay scale that is based both on experience and education. Someone with a masters degree in that field HAS to be paid more, even without experience, than someone without.

[Star Gazer]

I'm not sure about other fields, nor am I sure if it's a law or something else, but an example of something like this that OP may be referring to is education. Every county has a pay scale that is based both on experience and education. Someone with a masters degree in that field HAS to be paid more, even without experience, than someone without.

 

Hmm. I guess that's true. State employees are put on mandatory pay scales given their "score" on a "test" which includes their education and experience. I just wouldn't say that it's "by law." I guess that's a term of art to me.

[Double]

He just for a single moment, was maybe just a little resentful that he had to get up instead of being able to stay in bed with you. Thats it.

 

AND. Even I'm excited you got a job offer!!!!!!!!!

 

Thank you!

 

When did that happen? Did you alert the major news networks? They seem not to have heard about it.

 

Hmm. I guess that's true. State employees are put on mandatory pay scales given their "score" on a "test" which includes their education and experience. I just wouldn't say that it's "by law." I guess that's a term of art to me.

LOL that's what I meant. I was just sooooo upset by that poster that I was typing super fast and not really thinking about being clear on what I meant.