advice for heading off a proposal? or something.

[jenny]

i've been engaged 3 times now; both informally and formally; <one didnt really count > and i have come to the relatively firm conclusion i'm not ready for marriage. i might not ever be; i might not have it in me. i may not have had the right family training for it. i certainly have no wish to visit my dysfunctions on my own spawn. i'm sort of ok with this; i'm young, but i have a fairly good idea of who i am and who i will continue to be.

 

but i'm sensing xmas proposal vibes from my current - weird excitement from girlfriends, strange ring thefts, talk of shutting down my hippiesque house for even more calmness. plus my best girl told me the plan was in the works with at least half an ass.

 

i love everything just as it is - it's perfect - no family, no boredom, no money weirdness, and no obligation. i did not know we were that serious. i know from experience that once the idea of marriage is gone, the relationship is soon to follow. i like my guy very very much; he is an awesome human being. i feel grateful to have met him. i like being in the throes of infatuation, i suppose.

 

maybe i am ready, i don't know. how did you guys know? i don't know what i'm doing. is there any way i can invite him not to propose, to just give it more time, gracefully and elegantly? am i leading him on?

 

if i hurt anyone the way i have hurt one boy <Boy B> before, i think i have to kill myself to even the epic scores. i need to be more aware on a daily level of this stuff. i would want the boy <Boy A> who once hurt me to learn similar lessons.

 

it's entirely possible i'm simply flattering myself. and, obviously, dramatizing myself. i guess i just want to face the question of whether or not i am actually equipped to do such a thing, and how would i know? it's very hard for me to take these things seriously. checklists, anyone?

 

i know we are all getting old.

 

how stupid and autoerotic. i appreciate your collective patience. if anyone has a similar experience, let me know, please; i'm pretty sure it's a bad idea to 'drift' into marriage.

[cindy0039]

Well, I didn't hear you say you LOVE him. If you don't, you're not ready. Sorry, that's all I have to offer for now with the limited information I gleaned from your post.

[moimeme]

How do you know?

 

A - you love him more than anyone you have ever loved and you can't imagine loving anyone more

B - you can't bear the thought of a future without him

[jenny]

ok. i love both your points. thank you. i think this is a stupid problem on my part, but i really don't know how to deal and my mom only keeps saying: grab the next one! grab the next one! grab before you wrinkle!

 

me mum is not terribly helpful.

 

i do seek to be something other than equi-whelmed. you're right, cindy, i do not love beyond a risk-management-literary perspective. but i also have no model for this, so i don't know.

 

we suit very very well.

 

i still feel like i can live without anyone but my buddies. so, how to head this off? should i let him go? what did you guys do when faced with similar situations?

 

i'm not being very open because i don't want to betray him - but i do know this is coming. and i do love him. we accept each other. what else could i ask for, really? i'm lucky as it is.

 

i've been looking for books - o! books! to read to know if it's the right time. if you grow up with emotionally stunted parents you pretty much have to turn to books for answers about this stuff

 

how did you guys know? can you do me the extreme favour of describing your 'moments'? i'm so in love, i think, but i'm just moving in academic time.

 

p.s. should i still be wondering about the rigour and direction of other men's arguments at this time? i don't know if i'm ready to give up inflamed, angry, and affecting correspondence with my anti-altruism male friends, as much as it pisses me off...

 

p.s.s. please...he's amazing. he's so smart and unexpected...i don't want to f$ck this up...

[moimeme]

grab before you wrinkle

 

ROTFLMAO. Think you have a couple more decades to go before you worry about that.

 

 

how did you guys know?

 

Living with him was a treat. I enjoyed his company immensely. We were the very best of friends. And the future without him looked bleak. I felt lucky to have him and he me. Didn't think there was anybody else like him. And certainly not better. And we fit well together. We 'got' each other. We felt we belonged - not to each other but with each other. A tight bond.

 

All this, of course, being totally inadequate because words are utterly inutile when it comes to dealing with such issues but at this distance in time, and because I can only muster up the memory of having feelings rather than the feelings themselves, it's the best summary I can come up with.

[cdn]

It may be too soon to know if you are ready. Is there any chance you can talk to him -- now -- before he makes a proposal and tell him just what you have told us -- that you love him and are enjoying your time together but that you are not ready to contemplate marriage?

 

I think that quiet companionship (for lack of a better term) is an overlooked marriage requirement. So much focus is on the heady rush of passion that the equally necessary element of simply liking one another sometimes gets lost. Notice I am not saying like instead of love but in addition to love. Love is not enough, imo.

 

For what it's worth, and not knowing how old you are, I don't think you have to get married according to a timetable. I married and had children later than average and I don't regret it at all. In my twenties I was fairly certain I would never want children and not at all convinced that I'd want a husband, either. Fortunately, no one pushed me to think otherwise. And then it all changed. Can't really say how or why, although my romantic side would claim it's because I had met my husband. While there is definitely some truth to that, I think that it was a combination of meeting him and my readiness. Had I met him at 22, I doubt it would have mattered (in fact, the guy I was seeing at 22 was a really terrific guy whom I probably hurt a great deal because he was ready and I was not and I don't think I handled it as well as I could have).

 

Talk to your bf, take your time... You sound very gentle in this forum. If you can approach him the same way perhaps you can get him to slow down without feeling rejected.

[Arabess]

Yeah Jenny....I HAVE been in that position. Twice actually. The first time I got married, I mainly did it because I thought it was 'time' for me to get married and start a family. What a DISASTER! Other than the 2 children I have, there was not ONE good thing which came out of that marriage. I didn't go into it head over heels in love....and never really got there. Quite the opposite. I stuck it out for 10 long miserable years.

 

Now, it's 7 years later. Once again, I have the opportunity of marrying someone who deeply loves me and my children. Most everyone thinks I should jump to it....because he's a super great guy. I just don't love him enough to make that committment. I would end up making us BOTH miserable....again! So, I've chosen not to go there. I keep it in check by admitting to him I still am dating other people and am not ready to give up my 'male beer buddies'.

 

I can see with Christmas coming....you may be concerned with a "ring surprise". I totally understand your hesitancy. The worst part is you probably have joint friends egging him on. (Not to mention your family....and HAHA about your Mum's statement....mine is Jewish/German....and you can ONLY IMAGINE!)

 

I guess all you can do Jenny is find some way to bring up the sunject, maybe even jokingly, and let him know in advance you really care for him and don't want to lose what you have NOW....you just aren't ready to build on it yet. Maybe some of the guys in here would have a better idea on how to give a guy a 'hint'....I don't know. Send a few you trust a PM and ask them if they would respond to your post here.

 

"Hippiesque House"...HAHA! Are you referring to the decor...or the general atmosphere...or both?

 

Arabess