Why does being a 'big part' of the MM's life justify sticking around?

[torranceshipman]

I see a lot of comments on here about how the MM has made the OW a 'big' part of their life, where they introduce them to friends, family, colleagues and the like, and it often seems like OW's see this as justification for hanging around (like it is somehow indicative of good treatment).

 

I kind of see it the other way round, as 'look at what a big man I am, with this A, this beautiful woman willing to share me' and I see it as MORE disrespectful (regardless of the charm and sweet words that the MM uses to oil the wheels of this type of situation along). I think it also makes the MM seem like even more of a scumbag, as it requires everyone to be forced to lie for him, and 'outs' the woman as the mistress, rather than protecting her from scorn (if he left his W that'd be the respectful time to introduce her, right?). Plus add to all that...he still wants to go home to his W. Everyone he introduces the mistress to knows this, and some must think she's a bit of a fool-again, shouldn't someone protect the woman they love from this type of thing? I wondered what other people thought about this?

[Fallen Angel]

Torranceshipman,

 

Since I am the one who posted those words, I am going ot assume it is me who got you to wondering about this.

 

I can see where you are coming from, and I can see why some people would see it this way. I do not however use it to "justify sticking around". I was just pointing out that I am not the "dirty little secret" some people believe me to be.

 

Yes, perhaps some men use showing off the OW as a way to feel like a "bigger man", but I do not think that is so in my case. I would say in MY CASE that it is a matter of most of the people I have met already understand the "maritial dynamic" as being broken.

 

They are, for the most part, people who have known My MM for a long time and know that his marriage is more about duty than about love. They are people who have told me that they are so glad that he and I are together because it is the first time they have seen him truly happy in many years. They are people who have come to me independant of My MM and told me "Stick it out, he loves you so much and you are the woman he needs in his life. His *child* will not be a child much longer." They are people he loves, his good friends and he wants to share the woman he loves with the friends he loves. I think that is normal in a loving relationship.

[torranceshipman]

Hi FallenAngel...wasn't meant to be a dig at you! Although your post did get me thinking about it more today-it's something I have seen quite consistently in the 2+yrs I've been reading LS posts and the trend always seems to be there...

[Fallen Angel]

Hi FallenAngel...wasn't meant to be a dig at you! Although your post did get me thinking about it more today-it's something I have seen quite consistently in the 2+yrs I've been reading LS posts and the trend always seems to be there...

 

I didn't see it as a "dig", darlin' !

 

I just saw my own words echoed, so I felt I needed to personally respond with my views.

 

I am sure that you are right, and in some cases it is an MMs ego trip when he is introducing his OW around. But I just don't think that is ALWAYS the case.

 

Does My MM introducing me to other people in his life open me up for possible scorn? Yes, it potentially does. But I think that the people he has introduced me to had heard about me for so long before they met me, that he already knew how they would welcome me. I am sure there are some people I have NOT met, simply because of how they have responded to knowing about me. He would NEVER put me in a position to be verbally or emotionally abused by someone in his life.

 

In fact one of his work buddies once spoke disrespectfully to me on the phone (because he knew of my OW status he thought he could say something sexually explicit to me), at which point My MM reacted with more anger than I have ever seen before. After screaming at the man for speaking to me like that, he ended his berating of the man by asking him, "How could you possibly ever think it is okay to talk to the woman I love like that?" and he made the man apologize to me.

 

So yes, it is possible that I could be thought poorly of by some people who he introduces me to, but like I said, most of them have welcomed me with open arms and warm genuine offers of friendship, because they know from him, that I am the woman he wants to share his life with.

[torranceshipman]

I agree...can swing both ways I think...Do you think there is a correlation between their willingness to be more open, and their eventual decision to leave their W, or do you think the 2 aren't related...?

[OWoman]

I see a lot of comments on here about how the MM has made the OW a 'big' part of their life, where they introduce them to friends, family, colleagues and the like, and it often seems like OW's see this as justification for hanging around (like it is somehow indicative of good treatment).

 

I kind of see it the other way round, as 'look at what a big man I am, with this A, this beautiful woman willing to share me' and I see it as MORE disrespectful (regardless of the charm and sweet words that the MM uses to oil the wheels of this type of situation along). I think it also makes the MM seem like even more of a scumbag, as it requires everyone to be forced to lie for him, and 'outs' the woman as the mistress, rather than protecting her from scorn (if he left his W that'd be the respectful time to introduce her, right?). Plus add to all that...he still wants to go home to his W. Everyone he introduces the mistress to knows this, and some must think she's a bit of a fool-again, shouldn't someone protect the woman they love from this type of thing? I wondered what other people thought about this?

 

I was never introduced as a trophy, so there was no "big man" thing about it at all. Nor was any of it about me being "willing to share" - I was open about how many men I had in my life, one of which was him - so he'd have come off worse in that, had it been.

 

Rather, it was about being proud of being together. He was so visibly in love, so devoted and so respectful, while at the same time being so happy and so fulfilled, that we were welcomed as the couple, with his BW some "dirty little secret" stuck away in an attic. No one was "forced to lie for him" - they genuinely disliked, and avoided, his then-W so the occasion would never have arisen unless they sought it out. In fact, (his) friends have since told me they felt "included" and took it as a vote of confidence to have been introduced to me at that stage, rather than to have been kept out of the loop on something so important. For them, they cared about him and his happiness was paramount - meeting the woman who made him happy mattered to them.

 

And there was certainly no "he still wants to go home to his W" - they knew he dreaded any time spent with or near her, and that they lived very separate lives avoiding each other as far as possible, and anyone who'd been to his house knew that they lived in separate rooms (separate bedrooms, separate studies, separate sitting rooms....) so there was none of that awkwardness on their part.

 

They just wished he'd get a move on and make The Right Decision - and supported him when he did.

[OWoman]

Do you think there is a correlation between their willingness to be more open, and their eventual decision to leave their W, or do you think the 2 aren't related...?

 

It was related in my case... but I don't think that's necessarily so. I think in many cases it's simply an admission of comfort with the situation. I know of several long-term As where the A couple date openly, but the MM stays M - whether the BW knows of the A or not is a moot point, in some cases I feel she can't not, because of how open the A is.

[torranceshipman]

Yours was a good one, OW, in that he followed through and walked the walk...I'm just saying that some OW aren't with MM like yours - i.e. it can be a form of manipulation by the MM in some cases, to persuade the OW to stay in the A longer and believe claims about leaving the W - 'proof' that they're serious, if you will (when they're actually not)...?

[Fallen Angel]

I agree...can swing both ways I think...Do you think there is a correlation between their willingness to be more open, and their eventual decision to leave their W, or do you think the 2 aren't related...?

 

I don't know about the correlation, except in the relationships I have seen like this.. for my mother, the affair was very in the open, and my mom and her MM were very social with his friends, her friends, and their friends. Everyone knew, and accepted it for what it was, he was in love with my mother, but stood by his obligations and stayed in his M until after the last child turned 18.

 

In the case of another couple I know of, they too were very out in the open, and eventually they both left their marriages and got married to each other.

 

In my case, he has not left his marriage, so who knows. What I do know is that his best friends wife just called me today and said she thinks I need to "stick it out a little longer". I talked to her about wanting and needing more, and she seems to think (based on conversations my MM had with her H) that it is just a matter of time, and that it will not take the three more years until his youngest child is 18. She won't give lots of details, as it would be a breach of confidence, but she says my love and sacrifice is not in vain. *shrug* I guess we will see.

[MizFit]

A friend and I were discussing this a week or so ago. Not exactly this, but if you find someone you love that is married or in a LTR are you better to be in a partial relationship with them, to keep dating, or to settle for someone you can spend all of your time with but not care for that much.

 

My MM is now back with his wife and we are in NC, but while we were together the choice I made was to have part of him because I don't see me loving anyone like that again. As it is...I'm very glad I didn't give it and miss a bit of time with him.