Lost and alone and scared

[Mrs. Still Waiting]

It's my first post, so please forgive me for any ridiculous mistakes. I'm not even sure why I'm on here at all... As if I'll find the right answer on a website that I just came across. Here's my story:

 

I'm 22 years old. I met my husband while I was still in highschool. He's 3 years older than me and is in the Air Force. We've been married for 3 years now.

 

Our entire marriage, he has been distant. From day one, I have always felt like he wasn't completely committed to me. On our wedding day, I felt no happiness. I felt fear. I was afraid that I was dragging him into marriage with me. I asked him plenty of times before our wedding if he loved me and really wanted to make this committment. Over and over, he said yes.

 

He comes from a broken family- a very confused family and never experienced growing up in a loving home. He never got to see what a loving relationship looks like, and so I have given him that excuse for the entire time that I've known him.

 

We get along just fine. We make love every now and then. We go through the motions. I am hopelessly in love with him.

 

Last night, he told me that he loves me, but doesn't know what he wants in life... that he misses the single life... that he wonders if he would be happier with a woman who had more of the same interests as him... that he doesn't know what's going on with him and is confused and depressed.

 

For a long time, now... I've felt that he feels this way. So, last night, I stopped putting on my strong face and was straight forward with him. I told him that I knew that he loved me but isn't IN love with me. I told him that I've never felt like he adored me... that he was happy with me.

 

And, instead of the response that I was looking for... the hard but easy release that would have been his agreement... he starts to cry and begs me not to leave him. We sat in the car in the dark and he begged me not to leave him.

 

I can't take his never-ending confusion about me. I've spent three years waiting for him to realize that I'm the one for him and that he absolutely is in love with me. Once or twice a year, he'll do something that makes me feel this way. The rest of the time, I feel like his chore... his mistake.

 

I want to feel loved. I've been left once before by someone that I was so in love with. I'm not love-stupid and I'm not pathetic. I'm a smart, put together young woman who is a hard worker and over-all happy person. I don't think there's anything majorly wrong with me- we all have our minor faults. I just can't figure out what to do here with my life and love.

 

I have so much love to give and am capable of so much... I feel wasted with a man that is depressed all the time and isn't sure if he loves me. I've asked him to talk to someone about his 'unhappiness,' but he won't. If he gets put on anti-depressants, his supervisors will find out and I think he's just scared of that. For whatever reason, he doesn't WANT to be happy. He just wallows in self pity.

 

I love him. I know he, just like everyone else in the world, is capable of being happy and being in love. It takes work, and nobody can do it for you, but it's possible.

 

I have no idea what to do. Do I stay and hope that he figures out what he wants in life? He told me after breaking down that he loves me and that he feels like he's incapable of love... that he doesn't know what's going on in his head. I'm so tired of it being my problem. I can't help him figure it out. I can't change into the perfect woman. I feel so bad for not knowing what to do, but I've been taking care of him feverishly for our entire marriage and I've grown so tired myself.

 

Has anyone ever felt this way before? Has it happened to you? How long did you wait? Did you stay? Were you the man that felt like him? What's the truth in all of this?

 

Love, Mrs. Still Waiting...

[Boundary Problem]

sounds like my ex-husband. I divorced him. I'm much happier now.

 

The sad thing is that a depressed spouse can bring you down to a very emotionally unhealthy place yourself. It is like being a widow - but the walking dead is in your house.

 

Life I decided is too short. I'm 36. I stayed for 6 years. He refused meaningful counselling - counsellor after counsellor, dr visits etc at my prompting - nothing worked.

 

Good luck.

Edited November 16, 2009 by Boundary Problem

[justforfun]

He comes from a broken family- a very confused family and never experienced growing up in a loving home. He never got to see what a loving relationship looks like, and so I have given him that excuse for the entire time that I've known him.

 

Last night, he told me that he loves me, but doesn't know what he wants in life... that he misses the single life... that he wonders if he would be happier with a woman who had more of the same interests as him... that he doesn't know what's going on with him and is confused and depressed.

 

So, last night, I stopped putting on my strong face and was straight forward with him. I told him that I knew that he loved me but isn't IN love with me. I told him that I've never felt like he adored me... that he was happy with me. And, instead of the response that I was looking for... the hard but easy release that would have been his agreement... he starts to cry and begs me not to leave him. We sat in the car in the dark and he begged me not to leave him.

 

That's confusion right there.

 

As adults we recreate the emotional environment that we grew up. It's where we feel our most comfortable. He will always need this environment to feel secure.

 

You on the other hand cannot live this way. I would say that nothing is going to change. Except, damage to you.

[Boundary Problem]

As adults we recreate the emotional environment that we grew up. It's where we feel our most comfortable. He will always need this environment to feel secure.

 

 

 

I don't agree with this.

 

We are "drawn" to the emotional environment that we grew up with. It is the life script programmed into us by our parents.

 

I looked at my parents (outwardly successful, inwardly - not as happy), decided I could do a better job for myself and so I threw out my pre-programmed life script and wrote my own.

 

The husband here has all the tools at his disposal to fix the problem, should he choose to. But if he's anything like my ex - frankly - they are lazy.

 

It is so much easier to "go with the flow" and follow the life script written for us by likely dysnfunctional parents. And low and behold - you end up where your parents ended up.

 

It is not that hard to change a life script. It is a decision that you want better for yourself and then following through.

 

OP - hopefully your husband chooses wisely.

[justforfun]

I don't agree with this.

 

We are "drawn" to the emotional environment that we grew up with. It is the life script programmed into us by our parents.

 

I looked at my parents (outwardly successful, inwardly - not as happy), decided I could do a better job for myself and so I threw out my pre-programmed life script and wrote my own.

 

The husband here has all the tools at his disposal to fix the problem, should he choose to. But if he's anything like my ex - frankly - they are lazy.

 

It is so much easier to "go with the flow" and follow the life script written for us by likely dysnfunctional parents. And low and behold - you end up where your parents ended up.

 

It is not that hard to change a life script. It is a decision that you want better for yourself and then following through.

 

OP - hopefully your husband chooses wisely.

 

You are fortunate that you were able to do this. But that doesn't make you the norm.

 

It's tempting to say 'I did it so can he'. But unfortunately life doesn't work out that way.

 

And it's not 'going with the flow' either. It's not a choice people make to just let it happen to them.

 

It's extremely difficult to change. Maybe the OP's husband can get therapy to get through this. But people who are in this situation, recreating, rarely have the insight that would cause them to seek professional help.

[Boundary Problem]

You are fortunate that you were able to do this. But that doesn't make you the norm.

 

It's tempting to say 'I did it so can he'. But unfortunately life doesn't work out that way.

 

And it's not 'going with the flow' either. It's not a choice people make to just let it happen to them.

 

It's extremely difficult to change. Maybe the OP's husband can get therapy to get through this. But people who are in this situation, recreating, rarely have the insight that would cause them to seek professional help.

 

 

You are probably right. I still ended up divorced. There is no magic pill to life.

 

But I do believe that sometimes we have to fight our way out of these bad situations and grab whatever help is around us. Unless we want to continuously repeat our relationship pattern with new partners over and over again. That is all I'm saying.

 

Divorce doesn't solve the problem. Our problems follow us. That is the sad reality. Divorce is not the end. Healing ourselves is the end - or should I say beginning of the rest of our life.

[justforfun]

You are probably right. I still ended up divorced. There is no magic pill to life.

 

But I do believe that sometimes we have to fight our way out of these bad situations and grab whatever help is around us. Unless we want to continuously repeat our relationship pattern with new partners over and over again. That is all I'm saying.

 

Divorce doesn't solve the problem. Our problems follow us. That is the sad reality. Divorce is not the end. Healing ourselves is the end - or should I say beginning of the rest of our life.

 

Absolutely agree with you there.

 

Excellent point about fighting your way out and grabbing whatever help you can to do that. I do question whether the OP's spouse has that insight to take on that fight.

 

Love the point about divorce too. It wasn't until after my divorce that I sat back and looked at the issues I had. I was out of a bad situation and now it was time to focus on me. And that meant some real hard work on my part and in therapy. It's been a wonderful journey but also fraught with pain and anger. It's still going on. But it's a fight within myself to ensure that I continue and not stagnate because then I find myself slipping back into old patterns of behavior.

[Boundary Problem]

But it's a fight within myself to ensure that I continue and not stagnate because then I find myself slipping back into old patterns of behavior.

 

 

I have the same problem. That is why I think it is important to have a friend/partner who understands the journey. I understand the fight within. It is so easy to go back to the familiar behaviours- but they are soooo ineffective.

 

It is like being in a dark tunnel. Can't go sideways. There is only backwards and forwards. Well - I ain't going back. So forward into the darkness I go. Going on faith alone.

 

It is through interacting with other people (relationships) that we realize how far we have come and where we want to go.

 

Maybe I'll start a thread in the Coping section about anger. It is something I just started feeling this year.

[Calendula]

It's my first post, so please forgive me for any ridiculous mistakes. I'm not even sure why I'm on here at all... As if I'll find the right answer on a website that I just came across. Here's my story:

 

I would guess that you entered what you did for this post because you are seeking validation for your feelings and wanted to actually set them down in words for someone else to try and understand. All of us feel alone sometimes, to the point where even complete strangers on an internet forum can be enough to connect us back to reality. I hope you actually come back to check your thread... you might be surprised...

 

I'm 22 years old. I met my husband while I was still in highschool. He's 3 years older than me and is in the Air Force. We've been married for 3 years now.

 

Sounds to me like you married young, well before you had a chance to figure out what you really want for YOU out of life, and well before figuring out exactly what you truly wanted in a partner. I can say from recent experience that your perspectives on life and relationships can change a great deal between the ages of 19 and 27 (I figure they keep changing after 27, but I'm trying to speak from experience ). Don't be too hard on yourself, no one but you expects you to have it all figured out at the age of 19, or even 22.

 

Our entire marriage, he has been distant. From day one, I have always felt like he wasn't completely committed to me. On our wedding day, I felt no happiness. I felt fear. I was afraid that I was dragging him into marriage with me. I asked him plenty of times before our wedding if he loved me and really wanted to make this committment. Over and over, he said yes.

 

While hind sight is always 20/20, take this as a lesson that you should always trust your feelings. Listen to your instincts, pay attention to the way you feel, don't dismiss it. You feel the way you do about things for a reason, the hard part is often figuring out what that reason is. When you have a feeling about something, especially something as major as your relationship or your overall happiness, question it until you find the root cause, dissect it until you have a satisfactory answer for WHY you feel that way. Pay attention to your feelings.

 

He comes from a broken family- a very confused family and never experienced growing up in a loving home. He never got to see what a loving relationship looks like, and so I have given him that excuse for the entire time that I've known him.

 

As the previous posters have discussed, where you come from (family history, past experiences, etc.) doesn't have to dictate where you go with your life. You can make conscious decisions to change who you are and how you see the world, but it takes effort, more effort than most people are aware they are capable of. While 'giving him that excuse' may have helped you stay patient with him and supportive during your three years together, while you attempted to show him another way of living, it may not have helped him any. Perhaps he simply hasn't been aware that the entire time you two have been together that you have constantly been making excuses for his behavior in your head so that you don't get sick of his issues. And as you seem to have realized, excuses can only last for so long; eventually something has to happen, something has to change, otherwise you break (which is what I think you are currently doing).

 

We get along just fine. We make love every now and then. We go through the motions. I am hopelessly in love with him.

 

Not to sound flipant, but are you sure? How would you characterize your love for him? Why do you love him? How do you love him? What does he do for you that makes you just look at him and smile without thinking about it? How does he make you happy? Do you just have a feeling of contentment, comfort, and peace when you are with him, held quietly in his arms? Are you certain that you know the type and degree of love you have for this man? Do you love him enough to leave him if you decide that it would be the best way for him to turn his life around and find happiness for himself? Do you love him enough to freely let him go if that was what he told you he felt he needed to do to find himself?

 

Last night, he told me that he loves me, but doesn't know what he wants in life... that he misses the single life... that he wonders if he would be happier with a woman who had more of the same interests as him... that he doesn't know what's going on with him and is confused and depressed.

For a long time, now... I've felt that he feels this way. So, last night, I stopped putting on my strong face and was straight forward with him. I told him that I knew that he loved me but isn't IN love with me. I told him that I've never felt like he adored me... that he was happy with me.

 

These are not easy questions for someone (him) to answer while in a marriage, and I can't help but wonder if it goes back to the fact that the two of you got married right out of high school. Unfortunately, there is currently no way you could ever be the 'perfect woman' for him, because it seems from the above that he has no clue what that 'perfect woman' would be. Sure you may be exactly what he wants and needs (you think), but if he doesn't recognize that (from a lack of experience with other relationships) then (not to be harsh) you are probably wasting your time and effort.

 

You deserve someone who can truly appreciate you for you. Who sees and values the person you ARE now. Who can love you in all the ways that you need to be loved, who recognizes how special you are. What I said before for you also applies to him: if he really loves you, then he would want you to be happy, even if it meant you had to find that happiness with someone other than him.

 

And, instead of the response that I was looking for... the hard but easy release that would have been his agreement... he starts to cry and begs me not to leave him. We sat in the car in the dark and he begged me not to leave him.

 

Again, not to be harsh, but this sounds like an immature, confused, and scared little boy. He is also being selfish and nearsighted. Can't he see that you would have left him by now and wouldn't be there even trying to talk to him about it if you really didn't want to try and work things out? You are talking to him about it because you care enough to try and find a solution before you completely throw in the towl. You are posting on this forum because you care enough to try and find a different perspective since you've run out of things you can think of to try.

 

I can't take his never-ending confusion about me. I've spent three years waiting for him to realize that I'm the one for him and that he absolutely is in love with me. Once or twice a year, he'll do something that makes me feel this way. The rest of the time, I feel like his chore... his mistake.

 

You've waited long enough, and you can't spend the rest of your life waiting. He is who he is, but something has to change. He can choose to change, by seeking counseling and therapy (he can always tell them he doesn't want to use antidepresant drugs) to help him deal with his issues and his past. If he tries to change, he has to want to do it for himself, not for you, otherwise nothing he tries will help. And even if he does change, he isn't going to wake up tomorrow and be your perfect man or tell you that he is "absolutely in love" with you. Chances are he may not even change into a person you like anymore....

 

Or you can change, by deciding to no longer put up with his moods and lack of appreciation for you. You only have to put up with what you are willing to tolerate and accept. You should NEVER feel like anyone's chore or mistake, for any reason. WHY you feel like this is something that you need to get to the bottom of. Is it because of things he does or says without thinking about them and the effect they may have on you? Or is it because of a deep seated low self-esteem issue on your part? Perhaps from being left by the previous person you were in love with? Have you considered going to talk to a counseler yourself? If nothing else, at least you will have someone you can actually talk to about everything, who won't judge you, and who may even give you useful feedback.

 

I want to feel loved. I've been left once before by someone that I was so in love with. I'm not love-stupid and I'm not pathetic. I'm a smart, put together young woman who is a hard worker and over-all happy person. I don't think there's anything majorly wrong with me- we all have our minor faults. I just can't figure out what to do here with my life and love.

 

I have so much love to give and am capable of so much... I feel wasted with a man that is depressed all the time and isn't sure if he loves me. I've asked him to talk to someone about his 'unhappiness,' but he won't. If he gets put on anti-depressants, his supervisors will find out and I think he's just scared of that. For whatever reason, he doesn't WANT to be happy. He just wallows in self pity.

 

As I said before, you can't MAKE him change. You have been supportive of his 'unhappiness' for three years, perhaps support is no longer what he needs. Perhaps what he now needs is a wake up call: "You didn't appreciate the woman you had, so guess what, now she is gone! Get youself together and either try and get her back, or try again with someone new"

 

Even if divorce isn't something you want at this point in time, perhaps you could consider spending 3-6 months living apart and not seeing each other for the majority of that time. It would be an extreme version of 'giving him space' but it might be enough to make him do some serious thinking and miss all those things about you that he is currently unappreciative of.

 

"I have so much love to give and am capable of so much... I feel wasted" Don't let youself be wasted any longer. You deserve better, either from him, or from someone new.By the same token, don't let your sympathies and affection for him guilt trip you into staying in an unhappy relationship. This is YOUR life we are talking about, and YOUR future. You can't reasonably expect things in your marriage to get any better if you keep doing the same thing you've been doing, so unless you can convince yourself that what you have is good enough, you're going to have to DO something to improve your situation.

 

I love him. I know he, just like everyone else in the world, is capable of being happy and being in love. It takes work, and nobody can do it for you, but it's possible.

 

See, you know this. Why are you doubting yourself?

 

I have no idea what to do. Do I stay and hope that he figures out what he wants in life? He told me after breaking down that he loves me and that he feels like he's incapable of love... that he doesn't know what's going on in his head. I'm so tired of it being my problem. I can't help him figure it out. I can't change into the perfect woman. I feel so bad for not knowing what to do, but I've been taking care of him feverishly for our entire marriage and I've grown so tired myself.

 

You can't always be the one to make the sacrifice - a successful relationship of any type requires give and take by both parties, not just all give from one person (you) and all take from the other (him, whether he realizes it or not).

 

You can only give so much of yourself before you no longer have anything left to give. If you cannot find happiness for yourself, and if you cannot find happiness with this man as he is, eventually you will no longer be able to be the "smart, put together young woman who is a hard worker and over-all happy person" that you see yourself to be. You have been drained of all you had to give and he has given you nothing in return (affection, appreciation, love, happiness) to balance what you have given to him. It may be time for you to let go so that you can rebuild yourself into someone you again like.

 

Has anyone ever felt this way before? Has it happened to you? How long did you wait? Did you stay? Were you the man that felt like him? What's the truth in all of this?

 

I have been in your shoes, but perhaps not to the same degree (marrriage). I was with someone for three years who had his own issues to deal with, ghosts in his past, depression and discontent, and nothing to give me in return for the happiness and new look on life that I gave to him. I was unhappy for most of our relationship, sometimes more so than other times, and eventually I got tired of being lonely and unhappy even though I was with him. A line from a song says it best: "If I must be lonely, than I think I'd rather be alone" (Stabbing Westward 'Save Yourself'). He couldn't balance what I gave him with the sort of support and affection I needed in return, and it wasn't something I could do anything to change.

 

My solution: I ended the romantic stage of our relationship. I still love him, I still keep in touch with him (weekly), but we have allowed our relationship to grow from living together and being engaged, back into a close friendship. We both decided we made better best friends than romantic life partners, and he will always be someone I love and trust completely. The time he has since had alone has been a learning experience for him and he has been able to deal with some of what he is now ready to come to terms with from his past. By ending our romantic relationship (we both moved to new apartments from the place we shared together for 3 years, and I officially ended our engaement 3 months after the move), I helped him get to a better place in his life, somewhere he could only get to on his own. He is still growing and learning, and finding ways of coping, but we are both much happier now than we were when we were together. We have both even been able to move on with new romantic relationships.

 

Trust your instincts and feelings, and pick them apart until you have an answer to "Why?" that you can do something about. You can always love this man and find ways of spending time with him and supporting him, even if you do decide to end your marriage. You won't be able to do this, however, if you feel like you have nothing left to give and are unhappy yourself. If the issues he has are as bad as they seem from your description, perhaps you both need a new beginning...how you go about finding that new beginning and working through your problems to find happiness is completely up to you.