mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 so i saw xmm. we talked. he told me he still loves me. but we also talked about how this doesnt change anything. we both want our respective marriages, dont want to resume contact or the affair, but he wanted to let me know his feelings about me hadnt changed. so this caught me off guard. i still have no intentions of changing my priorities or how i think about my marriage and my husband. and i think i will tell H about this conversation. should i really be concerned about this? afterall, i know i still love him even though my feelings for him have faded and i have other "goals" in life now. should i be surprised that hes vocalizing the same thing? thoughts?
boldjack Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 MBEG, this is very dangerous. He is testing the waters, in case his attempt at reconciliation fails, or throwing out a lure to see if you will bite. You need to tell your husband, instantly. If he were to suspect that you had renewed contact, all of the work and pain you and him have been through would be for nothing. NC means NC....., please for your marriage's sake, don't do this again.
JAGeezer Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 MBEG, granted my personal experience with this sort of thing is long years in the past, but I've seen enough of it happen around me, to other people, to recognize a fishing expedition when I see one. I second boldjack's advice. Your ex-AP is trolling in preparation for trying to get you to resume the A. The fact that you just admitted that you still love the MM says that you're still vulnerable, in big red letters. If you're really serious about wanting your husband forever, if you really are "in love" with him, rather than the MM, you need to slam the door on this, hard. And I mean right now. Today. Remember what that bus felt like when it ran you over. Remember that the man is a liar and a cheat. He knowingly slept with another man's W. In the marital home no less. In my book that's ethically just one step, and a short one, above killing your H. With your assistance your ex-AP murdered a part of your H's soul and heart. A part of him is gone now that he'll never ever get back, no matter what happens, whether you stay together or not. He may heal in time, but there will always be a scar. Will you do that to him again? Will you let your ex-AP do that to him again? Will you help him take more from your H? Tell your H immediately. As boldjack said, NC means NC. If he's going to keep trying to reel you back in, and you just can't resist, you have two options. Set your H free, or get out of that work environment to escape your ex-AP for good. Your H deserves better than this ambivalence. He deserves either his freedom, or your absolute total commitment to fixing what you broke. The window just slid closed another inch. This is harsher than I like to be, but all of my instincts are screaming "Red Alert". JAG
jennie-jennie Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) Well, this just proves what I have been saying on LS all along. Throwing the OW under the bus is damage control, a desperate attempt at saving the marriage. It really doesn't say anything about the emotions the MM has for the OW. My thought is that we OW should watch and learn and not be so upset when the MM "throws us under the bus". There is no need to take his rescue actions as anything personally to do with us. He'll be back, as soon as he has the situation under control again. Of course, we then have the option whether we want him back or not. Edited November 13, 2009 by jennie-jennie
Fallen Angel Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 so i saw xmm. we talked. he told me he still loves me. but we also talked about how this doesnt change anything. we both want our respective marriages, dont want to resume contact or the affair, but he wanted to let me know his feelings about me hadnt changed. so this caught me off guard. i still have no intentions of changing my priorities or how i think about my marriage and my husband. and i think i will tell H about this conversation. should i really be concerned about this? afterall, i know i still love him even though my feelings for him have faded and i have other "goals" in life now. should i be surprised that hes vocalizing the same thing? thoughts? I am sure he does still love you, how could he not, you are a bright, warm, loving soul. So someone loving you should not come as any big surprise to you, hun. Keep your priorities in line. Tell your husband about the conversation. He knows that your priority is now your marriage, and being completly honest will help in reassuring him of that. You are on the path to recovery, and there are many pitfalls and stumbling blocks in that path. Climb over them or go around them one at a time, and move cautiously. You can do this!! ((hugs))
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I don't get how telling your H that you've had contact and conversations about the love you still share with you MM is going to convince him of anything other than the fact that you are a poor risk. I'm guessing he had that figured out by now though. Unless you're mentally challenged, as far as YOUR marriage is concerned, you've betrayed your H again. Yes, he's fishing, YES you welcomed it. The two of you have been writing the rules though, since the A began, and both your spouses are still playing bit roles in the script you've chosen to write for them. Its beyond me why either of you would string them along... prolong their pain and raise their hopes when the two of you know better than anyone that neither is %100 committed to their marriage. I think thats terrible treatment of someone you've felt compelled asked forgiveness from. Guess the truth is, its whatever suits either of you on a given day. Is your H still considering reconciling the M? I thought I remembered that he had changed his tune somewhat (sorry if I have you confused with someone else). Contact, is contact... for whatever reason. Didn't you say you were going NC? Are there exceptions to that. Don't you work with MM? I'm sure it takes time to get over an affair, but if you've recommitted to your M's then YOU own that. MBEG, I'm sorry, but you are continuing to play with fire, at the expense of other people's lives and happiness, I don't see even stretching it how you can consider that fair play, unless it still is all about YOU, and if it is, I doubt that will ever change. That makes me very sad for both of your spouses.
lkjh Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Why are you still married? Two weeks ago we told you that you are focused on the OM only and now you are having convo's with him about his feelings for you. You refuse to quit our job, you refuse to go NC, you refuse to avoid the OM, you refuse to report him, and so on. Nobody on lS knows you, why don't you just come clean and admit you are trying to have your cake and eat it to. Look if you have any respect for your H what so ever just divorce him and let him find someone worth marrying and investing time in
eeyore1981 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Absolute betrayal of your H having an intimate conversation with the guy you cheated with. How do you not see this? I don't see how your marriage is going to survive with your continuing to cheat and betraying your husband. Your H needs to show you the door.
HarmonyHope Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Folks, MBEG NEVER said she reciprocated the OM's feelings during the conversation. In fact, she didn't say much about how she responded. For all you know, she immediately told him the conversation was inapporpriate and kicked him out of her office. Funny how people assume she had this romantic nostalgic conversation. Maybe ask a question or two before you attack? Sheesh.
HarmonyHope Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 so i saw xmm. we talked. he told me he still loves me. but we also talked about how this doesnt change anything. we both want our respective marriages, dont want to resume contact or the affair, but he wanted to let me know his feelings about me hadnt changed. so this caught me off guard. i still have no intentions of changing my priorities or how i think about my marriage and my husband. and i think i will tell H about this conversation. should i really be concerned about this? afterall, i know i still love him even though my feelings for him have faded and i have other "goals" in life now. should i be surprised that hes vocalizing the same thing? thoughts? MBEG, it appears that this conversation wasn't work-related, so I hope you cut it off quickly. He's trying to keep the A feelings alive, but for your M, you need them to die. If he starts to say anything to you that isn't work-related, you should really cut him off straight away. And if he can't take the hint, tell him you'll call his W and tell her about these talks he keeps initiating and I bet he'll stop real fast.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 so i saw xmm. we talked. he told me he still loves me. but we also talked about how this doesnt change anything. we both want our respective marriages, dont want to resume contact or the affair, but he wanted to let me know his feelings about me hadnt changed. so this caught me off guard. i still have no intentions of changing my priorities or how i think about my marriage and my husband. and i think i will tell H about this conversation. should i really be concerned about this? afterall, i know i still love him even though my feelings for him have faded and i have other "goals" in life now. should i be surprised that hes vocalizing the same thing? thoughts? You're right HH, all we know is that she sat through a conversation while he professed his love, which isn't NC. Then they said they were working on their marriages "both". I might be an old fuddy duddy but professions of love aren't working on a M in my book, neither the profession nor the listening, they aren't NC, and IMO they are counter productive. She still loves him, though its waning, and she has other "goals" in her life right now. (convincing her H of something even she doesn't believe) I wonder if her H realizes that he has been reduced to a "goal". People are simply asking her to own up to what is obvious, I don't consider that an attack. Too bad her H can't read the post and tell us how he feels about the interaction and its impact on HIS M or "goal" or whatever you want to call it.
eeyore1981 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Folks, MBEG NEVER said she reciprocated the OM's feelings during the conversation. In fact, she didn't say much about how she responded. For all you know, she immediately told him the conversation was inapporpriate and kicked him out of her office. Funny how people assume she had this romantic nostalgic conversation. Maybe ask a question or two before you attack? Sheesh. Oh, give me a break. Whether she told him she reciprocated the feelings or not, she still gave him plenty of time to tell her he still loved her, and then they talked about how this doesn't change anything in their respective marriages. Doesn't say anywhere she said the convo was inappropriate and kicked him out of her office, so who is assuming what here?
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Make this the LAST TIME you have contact with him. Any progress you make with your H, recovery wise gets wiped out everytime you have that 'I love and miss you' conversation with the EXMM. I have ask, are you going to tell your H you saw exMM? Talking about 'no the affair can't continue' is pointless. It's over. You need to decide once and for all who it is you want, what it is you want and go from there. Trying to fix your marriage and not letting go of exMM is a waste of time..Before you know it the contact will be back on more frequently and the A will start up again too.
HarmonyHope Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 People are simply asking her to own up to what is obvious, I don't consider that an attack. Too bad her H can't read the post and tell us how he feels about the interaction and its impact on HIS M or "goal" or whatever you want to call it. Yes, but saying that she's worthless, her H should kick her out, etc....that's simply insulting. That's not pointing anything out to help her, that's just berating her, completely unneccessary, and against the TOS. Not that anyone pays attention to that kind of thing in this forum anyhow
eeyore1981 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Yes, but saying that she's worthless, her H should kick her out, etc....that's simply insulting. That's not pointing anything out to help her, that's just berating her, completely unneccessary, and against the TOS. Not that anyone pays attention to that kind of thing in this forum anyhow How is saying her H should kick her out in violation of TOS? That is my opinion. She is 'working on her marriage' by breaking NC and having intimate conversations with OM? This just proves she is not focusing on her H and her M. Bottom line, she specifically asked for thoughts, and I gave mine. IMO, the 'help' she wants is approval for her behavior and ideas on how to continue nurturing the feelings between her and OM while pretending to salvage her marriage. Not getting any of that from me.
donnamaybe Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Well, this just proves what I have been saying on LS all along. Throwing the OW under the bus is damage control, a desperate attempt at saving the marriage. It really doesn't say anything about the emotions the MM has for the OW. My thought is that we OW should watch and learn and not be so upset when the MM "throws us under the bus". There is no need to take his rescue actions as anything personally to do with us. He'll be back, as soon as he has the situation under control again. Of course, we then have the option whether we want him back or not. In my opinion, this is merely an attempt to see if he can talk her back into once again becoming his extra. He meant the "throwing under the bus" as far as I can tell. OP, run FAR away from this situation. Don't let him suck you back in with his pretty lies.
fooled once Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Yes, but saying that she's worthless, her H should kick her out, etc....that's simply insulting. That's not pointing anything out to help her, that's just berating her, completely unneccessary, and against the TOS. Not that anyone pays attention to that kind of thing in this forum anyhow HarmonyHope, exactly where is the TOS violation? Can you point it out to me? And I can tell you that the mods DO pay attention to things in this forum...so are you saying they aren't doing their jobs? I am pretty sure they will disagree with you. From wha I know of online sites, being a moderator is a volunteer position and the majority of people have lives in addition to volunteering. So if the mods here aren't catching things, I am sure they would appreciate a heads up to an actual TOS violation. I know there are plenty of people in this forum who DO report TOS violations. As for MBEG - she made it clear by allowing the conversation to begin with that there is a problem with boundaries and telling the MM to get OUT of her office or that she doesn't want to talk to him. I am also sure a part of MBEG was that this loser still loves her. I am also pretty sure he was fishing to see if he could pick things back up; I mean, why not? They carried on before so what has changed? The fact that both spouses are aware? Big deal, it has been shown on here that doesn't matter -- people still continue affairs even when the spouses know or whatever. Most cheaters LIE -- why not continue the lying to the spouses that "it's over" when it really isn't. I feel sorry for MBEG's H because I think he really wanted his M to work, but it cannot work as long as MBEG continues to lack boundaries with the MM. She is choosing to disrespect her spouse by allowing MM the access to her.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 actually, not that anyone asked, but most of the inferences made here were incorrect. he walks up to me, tells me he loves me. i didnt return a response on my feelings. i responded that i am working on my marriage, thats where my focus is and thats where its going to stay. there wasnt an opportunity to say get the f*** away from me because when i stated my position the conversation promptly ended. for me, telling him that im committed to my M was the best thing to do. i think its important for him to know that, and also for me to say it out loud. for me being able to look him in the eyes, say it and mean it was a huge step. i do believe in NC. it clearly stops the relationship and allows the feelings to subside. i intend to keep it that way. ive never tried to contact him. but i also think that telling him of my intents on focusing on my marriage were more honest and also provided a more definitive statement to him than simply telling him to get away from me. afterall, when i read his "nc" email i questioned if its how he truly felt or if it was just something he was saying because he felt he had to. by explaining my position it left no room for him to question it. i didnt betray my H in any of this interaction. it happened, i said how i felt and then it stopped. i also told my H about it. so i in no way betrayed him. if the situation was reversed i would want my H to stand up for our M as well. as far as him being a goal. darn right. my life with my husband and my boys and our family the way it used to be is my ultimate goal in life. its what i strive for every day. its what keeps me going when things get tough. im not ashamed in focusing my attention, gathering my strength and setting my sights on my "goal". im not looking to just keep him in the house and stay unhappily married. that would be easy and wouldnt require effort. so yes, i have a goal and that is to make our life what it used to be before the affair. and i also wont deny it. i did question why the xmm would make such a statement about still loving me. why he felt the need to disclose that information if he was working on his marriage. what he was trying to do by telling me that. of course i dont know the answers to that question, i didnt ask him, because that WOULD have been betraying my H and continuing the affair. but asking others thoughts on it here is not betraying my H. it is what it is. i simply wondered what it means when an xMM says something like this.
Fallen Angel Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 actually, not that anyone asked, but most of the inferences made here were incorrect. he walks up to me, tells me he loves me. i didnt return a response on my feelings. i responded that i am working on my marriage, thats where my focus is and thats where its going to stay. there wasnt an opportunity to say get the f*** away from me because when i stated my position the conversation promptly ended. for me, telling him that im committed to my M was the best thing to do. i think its important for him to know that, and also for me to say it out loud. for me being able to look him in the eyes, say it and mean it was a huge step. i do believe in NC. it clearly stops the relationship and allows the feelings to subside. i intend to keep it that way. ive never tried to contact him. but i also think that telling him of my intents on focusing on my marriage were more honest and also provided a more definitive statement to him than simply telling him to get away from me. afterall, when i read his "nc" email i questioned if its how he truly felt or if it was just something he was saying because he felt he had to. by explaining my position it left no room for him to question it. i didnt betray my H in any of this interaction. it happened, i said how i felt and then it stopped. i also told my H about it. so i in no way betrayed him. if the situation was reversed i would want my H to stand up for our M as well. as far as him being a goal. darn right. my life with my husband and my boys and our family the way it used to be is my ultimate goal in life. its what i strive for every day. its what keeps me going when things get tough. im not ashamed in focusing my attention, gathering my strength and setting my sights on my "goal". im not looking to just keep him in the house and stay unhappily married. that would be easy and wouldnt require effort. so yes, i have a goal and that is to make our life what it used to be before the affair. and i also wont deny it. i did question why the xmm would make such a statement about still loving me. why he felt the need to disclose that information if he was working on his marriage. what he was trying to do by telling me that. of course i dont know the answers to that question, i didnt ask him, because that WOULD have been betraying my H and continuing the affair. but asking others thoughts on it here is not betraying my H. it is what it is. i simply wondered what it means when an xMM says something like this. BRAVO MBEG!!!! Our little one (I hope you know I mean that in the most loving and kind way, I care about you and whenever I read one of your posts I find myself responding to you as I would if you were one of my daughters)is finding her backbone with LS posters and xMM. GOOD JOB!!! I am so proud of you. You have been doing great in removing the xMM from your life, and facing the issues one at a time as they arise. Hold your head up, go kiss your wonderful husband, and maybe schedule a "date" night out with him for this weekend. You BOTH deserve it!!!
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Good that you didn't engage the conversation.. I do have to say, less than 2 weeks ago you posted this thread, that you were alone, no H and no exMM. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=208222 Does this mean now your H has decided to stay and work on the marriage? It's great that you are standing up for yourself..But the bottomline still remains - You interact daily on some level with exMM at work. Your H may not say it, but he's ALWAYS going to wonder..I'm sure it's unsettling for him to know that you 'see' exMM each day at work, being in the same work area, same building.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 im not sure what will happen with H. he goes back and forth. we're still sorting through it. hes not as angry as he was 2 weeks ago, but things are still very very rocky. saying we're willing to work on things doesnt mean that we're happy and playing house like things are great. he could leave tomorrow if he's decided its just too much. and i dont see xMM on a daily basis. i dont go to the office but a few times a week. and hes not necessarily there on those days. we go a week here and there without being there on the same days.
HarmonyHope Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Oh, give me a break. Whether she told him she reciprocated the feelings or not, she still gave him plenty of time to tell her he still loved her, and then they talked about how this doesn't change anything in their respective marriages. Doesn't say anywhere she said the convo was inappropriate and kicked him out of her office, so who is assuming what here? It's interesting isn't it...Now that MBEG cleared that up. You and others assumed wrong. I found the comment about her H kicking her out to be an insult, which is a violation of guidelines. So everyone that jumped down her thraot...I guess you'll all be apologizing, right?
Boundary Problem Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) so i saw xmm. we talked. he told me he still loves me. MBEG - I usually bounce around in the Dating forum, but I window shop here in the Marriage forums periodically. I have read enough about your situation to know that you are in pain. And I'm sorry about that. I could feel you responding to xmm when he said he still loved you. Just because a man says he loves you - does not give him any power over you - unless you choose to give him that power. Just because you love someone does not mean you have to give them any of your time, unless you choose to give them your time. Maybe you have heard this already, I don't know. All I'm saying is that all the power rests with you - regardless of what he tells you. Edited November 13, 2009 by Boundary Problem
MizFit Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 MBEG...stay strong. You've made your choice so stay with it until it either succeeds or you are sure you've done everything you can and if you walk away it is with no room for 'if only'. Some posters on here are lethal...especially when the emotions of the OP are running high. I've watched your story and felt your confusion and your pain and your regret and your hope...you seem to have focused some of the emotion. Keep that focus. H should know, absolutely...
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 im not sure what will happen with H. he goes back and forth. we're still sorting through it. hes not as angry as he was 2 weeks ago, but things are still very very rocky. saying we're willing to work on things doesnt mean that we're happy and playing house like things are great. he could leave tomorrow if he's decided its just too much. and i dont see xMM on a daily basis. i dont go to the office but a few times a week. and hes not necessarily there on those days. we go a week here and there without being there on the same days. Ok, I understand.. Here is a question though - What will you say to your H (let's say if he asks you this), "Why are you even allowing that man to open up to you. Why can't you just cut him off and tell him that talking about it, listening to him isn't cool." Are you prepared to hear this from your H? I am glad you didn't say anything back to exMM, but .. You still allowed him to have his peace, even though the A is over and you two are supposed to be in NC mode. Reguardless of working together on occasion.
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