oxfordsocks Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 having an affair for almost a year--he has a daughter 16 and son 19 --is he ever going to be able to leave them to move from england to canada. He says 95% is simple --but leaving his daughter is hard but not impossible. will there ever be a good time?
road Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Blood is thicker then water. I would ask what dad would abandon a 16 yo DD? What kind of morals would a OW have to have an affair? Well the OW that would want her OM to dump his DD would be even lower. How low would the selfesteem of a OW be that would want a relationship with an OM that would be so low to abandon his own DD? That would be an example case of just about the lowest selfesteem out there.
adiaz Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Cheaters are selfish people. Your thread's title should be "how do I get him to leave his children for me?" and the question you should ask yourself is "Why am I not good enough to get a SINGLE man?":sick:
Author oxfordsocks Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Blood is thicker then water. I would ask what dad would abandon a 16 yo DD? What kind of morals would a OW have to have an affair? Well the OW that would want her OM to dump his DD would be even lower. How low would the selfesteem of a OW be that would want a relationship with an OM that would be so low to abandon his own DD? That would be an example case of just about the lowest selfesteem out there. I am not sure i understand why separating from your children (no one said right now) is such an awfult hing. When you are not in love with your spouse and your children don't live in a loving home--but you have found something with someone so awesome that you want to show and share that with them. I don't see it as abandoning--there are lots of ways to stay connected these days--i also see if we were to get together-that down the road i would spend half of the year in England and half here in Canada--sharing the lives of both of our children. Some parents head south to florida in the winter for 6 months---when their children are older I don't see that as abandoning. Children will eventually have their own lives---I am not asking him to walk out and never look back--she will be off to University in a year --home once a month if that--he could go those weekends back to England is if wishes--there are ways don't you think??
bentnotbroken Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 If his life was that bad, he wouldn't have needed you to leave it or use the kids as an excuse to stay. Maybe he should leave and then his kids can decide if he is worthy of being a parent to them every again. My kids decided he wasn't worth the effort. Funny thing....he didn't end up with the ow either. Funny how things work out in the end.
Lucky_One Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I would think that if he wanted to be with you when his D goes to university, then he would be making plans and a timeline with you. Does he say that he will divorce in 2 years? Why don't you move to his country, rather than make him do the moving?
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 No, I seriously doubt he would leave the same country his children live in. If he did leave the country (and his children) and had no problem doing so, then I would caution you to think really hard about being with someone who can casually walk away from what should be the strongest bonds in his life. If he can do that to his children, I would hate to think of how casually he would walk away from anyone else when he catches a fancy to do so.
jennie-jennie Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 The world is small nowadays. There are many ways to keep in contact with grown children. Your MM's children are quite old. I don't see that they would be an obstacle for your relationship. They might even enjoy a connection to Canada you know, once they have accepted your relationship. When my oldest daughter finished high school at the age of 19, I moved to a town far away. I only see her a couple of times a year. But when we meet we spend days together, quality time, and we talk on the phone in between and send sms:s and such. She still needs her mommy sometimes, but I can support her from afar. She is 25 now. We as adults have lives to live too. There is no contradiction in my mind between providing a good life for your kids and for yourself.
jennie-jennie Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 By the way this is the infidelity section of the board. The people here are not likely to be supportive of a MM leaving his wife for any reason.
Lucky_One Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I post according to threads - not the titles of forums. As an former OW, I think that I understand her dilemna well enough.
OWoman Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 having an affair for almost a year--he has a daughter 16 and son 19 --is he ever going to be able to leave them to move from england to canada. He says 95% is simple --but leaving his daughter is hard but not impossible. will there ever be a good time? Are there reasons for your choosing to live together in Canada rather than in England? Are these reasons compelling enough for him to overcome his reluctance to leave his D? One of the reasons for us choosing to live in my H's country post-A was because his kids were younger, though that's a temporary decision to be reviewed once they're at university. It was a balanced decision made after due and thorough consideration of all the factors. Presenting only one part of the problem - his teenage kids - doesn't provide enough info to hazard a guess, either way.
Author oxfordsocks Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 this was a decision purely based on ages of our children--his are older-mine only 13 and 10. also since we are very sports minded--I have a cottage in Canada that suits us very well for a lifetyle that we wish to have. It was discussed that in future when we could (ie retirement--which is 10 years away for me) that we could alternate back and forth ie 6 months in UK 6 months here to be involved in all of our children's lives equally:)
Art_Critic Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 but leaving his daughter is hard but not impossible. Not even considering all the cheating aspect of things but... For a real father it would be impossible. Something to think about..
bentnotbroken Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Not even considering all the cheating aspect of things but... For a real father it would be impossible. Something to think about.. Ditto. :confused::confused::confused:
Lucky_One Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 this was a decision purely based on ages of our children--his are older-mine only 13 and 10. also since we are very sports minded--I have a cottage in Canada that suits us very well for a lifetyle that we wish to have. It was discussed that in future when we could (ie retirement--which is 10 years away for me) that we could alternate back and forth ie 6 months in UK 6 months here to be involved in all of our children's lives equally:) Couldn't your children live with their father, and you go to the UK?
Author oxfordsocks Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Yes i could have my children live full time with their father but they are only 13 and 10--and his children are 19 and 16 --and age much more able to understand separation --(at least i think) and he has never asked me to come as thinks the children are really young and always assumed he would come here--thank you for your response though
bentnotbroken Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Yes i could have my children live full time with their father but they are only 13 and 10--and his children are 19 and 16 --and age much more able to understand separation --(at least i think) and he has never asked me to come as thinks the children are really young and always assumed he would come here--thank you for your response though Yes, only think. That's not what all the therapists say. 19 and 16 year old are hitting transitional points in their lives. Most need parents stability to safely navigate the change. Anger and resentment build up in this age group as well. They act out in different ways, drugs, alcohol and sex. They could be just fine, but just like your young ones, they need stability too. My child was 19 when the s*h*1*t hit the fan. And let me tell you, it wasn't pretty.
Lucky_One Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I think kids do better with divorce the younger they are. Part of my point for asking, though, is how women don't seem to bat an eye at men leaving their children, but would never dream of leaving their own. Women (in the US at least) still overwhelmingly tend to have full custody awarded (usually with liberal visitation for the father), and they just have way more time with their kids. If I had thought I wouldn't have had custody of my children, I never would have gotten a divorce.
Author oxfordsocks Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 it is funny you mention about me leaving the kids--there have been moments that I have thought of that and have talked to the other man about it. Your right a mother leaving her kids is more frowned upon--but i have thought about it--with two boys who are both very much inteerested in sports i feel that they have so much more in common with there father--although i am the "summer mother" drive the boat for skiing etc and Dad is the hockey Dad. I have thought so hard that I am tired of thinking sometimes---I have posted on the other woman/man forum the most recent contact from the MM and I would love you to look and give your opinion. Young children older children there is never a right time for bad things. Just trying to handle them the best way I guess. thanks for the feedback. I grew up in a home that wasn't that loving----I always wondered and wonder what it would be like for children to see two people who geniunely loved and adored one another---I know MM and I talk and we hope for our children the love that we share for them to find. There are so many sides to each individual part of the situation that is why its good to have a place like this to come to
LaGazelle Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I am not sure i understand why separating from your children (no one said right now) is such an awfult hing. When you are not in love with your spouse and your children don't live in a loving home--but you have found something with someone so awesome that you want to show and share that with them. Lol! :lmao: Perhaps he doesn't think you are as awesome as you believe you are. You should be impressed that he has a heart and wants to be there for his children and his wife...the woman he must surely have loved once, if not still. How could any woman feel comfortable with a man who will drop his life and soul willy nilly just because he chanced upon "something with someone so awesome"!? Wouldn't that make you wonder that you could also later be a victim of said behaviour? But, oh no, you are awesome, so that could never happen to you! I don't know what is missing at the deeper level of your life that you have to mask it with such an inflated sense of self, but your megalomania and narcissism points to a void that only you can truly fill. No man can do that for you. Not even one who destroys his life and devastates others to make you feel you are worth it, will help in the longterm. I hope you find what you need to feel whole without needing to devour parts of others in the process. Best of luck.
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