EsseQuam Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 The Story: A tad long, thoughts appreciated. Met my ex gf abroad, we're both from the US, but met one another post college abroad and became very close over the year we were together. We were quite exclusive by the time we decided to return sate side. Moving back to the states she returns to the north with a job and I head to the south for a new job, this is after I made weekly treks north to see her and spend time with her as her job began about 3 months before mine did. Decided to work things long distance and we were doing a great job of this and I was making bi/triweekly flights to see her. I prefer going north as I have a majority of my friends there, only came south due to the economic conditions and job availability, my intentions are to head north asap. We certainly maintained a good relationship and spoke everynight if not morning too. About 9 months into the LDR things began to crumble out of the blue. We had just taken a vacation together and even had mutual friends with us for the latter part of the trip. Shortly after she leaves for a business trip and I do not hear from her, but very quickly one night stating she's busy with work and cannot talk. I took this as a bit of surprise since she's much more the talker and only a week earlier she had complained that I had not spoken to her on the telephone until noon. I told her it was feeling like a one way road in which she was in complete control. She could pout and complain meanwhile I was not allowed to voice my own opinion to her in regards to issues She calls later in the week, still on the trip, and says we need a "break". I agree though I was quite confused as to why a break is needed in an LDR, not like we see one another too often. Once she returns home from her trip we continue the "break" and she continues to text "I love you" "I miss you" send picture messages of me saying "I miss this" but follows that up with "I want this to be right but it's just not right right now". I had made plans earlier in the month to fly and see her once she had returned from her trip it's now 3 weeks removed since we took our vacation together. I see her for a weekend and things seem normal, dinner, sex, and all, but she continues to be adamant about the break. I say it's serving no purpose and that if she wants that then she had better not call me with all her concerns and daily worries and troubles, with that she begins to tear up and cry softly. She's not big into crying at all. She claims she doesn't want that...She asks me to stay another night and take a later flight home, I agree and we leave on good terms. The next week is where things begin to seriously fall apart. She's hardly talking with me, coming from a girl who would call me before after work and bombard me with text throughout the day, it was odd. She's also not a big drinker but was constantly out with her coworkers drinking and partying...I tell her that the break just isnt working for me and that if we're going to do it we should set ground rules. She says no, I say that I have no desire to be with other women, I ask her to agree to the same thing and she responds "we'll if something happens it happens" this absolutely sets me off. I'm supposed to visit her the upcoming weekend and planned on staying with her and when I ask her about this she responds "I'm not sure I will be coming home, I mean I'll be out late and not sure when I'll be back" I lose it on that line. I was going out with buddies from college this night and wouldn't be with her as she was at a work agenda and out drinking. I accuse her of wanting to see other people which she firmly denies, I accuse her or being with someone else and all..Pretty much lost it on my end. Long story short, she wouldn't let me stay with her on Friday night. I blew her off on Saturday when she wanted to talk and then saw her Sunday and I was drunk, broke things, said inappropriate things, and overall acted very childish and I regret it dearly. I stayed with her on that Sunday night but only slept for about 3 hours. I went to leave the next morning and told her I probably wouldn't be seeing her she hugged me and I walked to wait for the elevator. Low and behold she came sprinting up behind me and I looked at her and told her to not make it harder than it needs to be, with that she left I got home and called her that night to apologize for my actions. She said I need to work on things, overall I was a drunk that weekend because I more or less knew what was coming, bad move. After that chat I went NC, it's been 40 days about, also de-friended on FB. 1 week into NC she text to ask how my job interview went (job was in her city), I respond then she text again, I ignore it. 3 weeks later I get another text from her because she found out I went to see a mutual friend that she claims I have feelings for, I do not and nothing happened there. Most recently her older sibiling has asked for me to friend her on FB?? Why after dating this girl for 2 years would her sibling now FB friend me? I have to say NC has helped this process greatly, as bad as I want to break it, I know I'll never hear the answers I want. Sidenote: She's super stubborn as am I, we're not ones to budge once we're set in our ways, part of the reason NC is easier for me than some. I've also been with other people in the past month too, that did not hurt either. My question is that I am dealing with an ex gf who has her 2 best friend's leaving the country for 6 months at least and her ex boyfriend who she's known for her entire life diagnosed with a terminal illness, could these be reasons she has pushed me away? She had spoken about marriage and children with me and even spoken with me about proposals. I know my faults are that I can absolutely exhaust people, no one beats a dead horse better than this guy. It very well could have played into the break up. But her friends and sibling also claim there is no one else she was seeing, granted this was when things first started downhill about a month and a half ago. But my ex is a very needy person and seems to have always had a "guy" in her life. Maybe I wore out my welcome? This is a person who is high maintenance in every definition of the word, she's also someone who would call me just to describe to me what she had for lunch that day, she was a big talker, so this all took me by great surprise. I think at times she may have thought that I would never get back to the north and would never be close to her and she didnt want to spend the time waiting for that to happen either. Any thoughts would be great, anyone with similiar experiences? Girls seem pretty premeditated in their actions or am I wrong?
Author EsseQuam Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 Anyone? I know it's a wee bit on the longer side, but any insight would be apprecaited. Esp from the female populaton on LS
Ronni_W Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 EQ, I kinda skimmed it but couldn't really spot a question or anything that you'd like opinions on -- is there a specific question or something specific that you'd like an opinion on? The first problem is, as you suspect, that your post is long. The bigger issue, though, is that it seems to be filled with irrelevant details -- if we're gonna read a long post, it had better capture our imaginations or we just get bored, basically. So...maybe try again and hopefully you'll get some useful responses.
carhill Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Some women use 'breaks' as license to act on their attraction to another man. They'll keep up a facade until they're sure about potential reciprocation and then hit you with 'the break'. The rest of the stuff, the misc. contacts and sibling stuff, etc, is just extraneous noise designed to keep her name in front of you, in your thoughts and emotions. No doubt you'll hear from her again, unless an easier monkey branch comes along once she's done with the current one. Heal yourself and date other women. You can find someone more compatible
torranceshipman Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Hmmm...if she's the needy type, I think she couldn't deal with an LDR as she is too needy for that set up, and is the type of girl to need a boyfriend. So my guess she is in the early stages of dating a new one (hence the break, and why she can't guarantee to you that nothing'll happen with other guys), but until it is concrete and official, she keeps/kept you around, so she still has all that affection and attention on tap. I think that's why she still texts you and also probably hates being ignored, hence stuff like her little sis FB'ing you, and so on. I don't think the ex boyfriend dying and friends leaving has anything to do with it at all...if anything it'd make a needy person needier...
Space Ritual Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Sounds to me like she was banging a co-worker or someone else, and she wanted to keep you on the backburner until she could figure out if the other guy was going to work out. Ultimately it did'nt and now she thinks she can just get you back and everything will be ok. All the signs were there...The drinking, hanging out...telling you "if it happens it happens". That is a very old script used by people who are in relationships with more than one person. Then she blamers you for all of it, and says you have something going with someone else to deflect attention from her actions. Then enlists family members to urge you to take her back, etc. Yeah she screwed up and knows it but will never admit to anything, Listen, LDR's are generally impossible without constant communication and TRANSPARENCY. Do what you want, but I guarantee you that if you have any contact with her it will happen again down the road. You will be back at square one and posting and wondering why you ever broke NC in the first place. Do yourself a big favor and keep the NC and delete her completely from your life. This will not get any better and this is a snapshot of what a life together will be like. If you want to feel like crap then contact her, but you'd be well advised to let her be somebody elses problem
nobleguy Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I found my ex was incredibly jealous if she even got the hint I was out on the town enjoying myself despite being the dumper, and adamant that our marriage was over. It turns out than even when she told me of her new great boyfriend she was thinking about us getting back together at the same time. I think, like others have said, she wanted to try an alternative path for a bit and see how it went, but also to keep you on the line in case it all fell apart. She has probably realised it's not as amazing as she had hoped and is desperately back-tracking. Don't fall for it. Do you really want to be second or third choice?
Recommended Posts