Dealing w/ my husbands "emotional affair"

[ladyhamilton]

Just found out about 2 weeks ago, that my husband had been having an emotional affair, with a co worker. First, i noticed he was acting alittle suspicious with the computer,...i had walked by the home office one night, and seen he had pulled up another webpage, and began pretending to be reading it..., i didnt say anything at first. I even giggled about to myself, assuming he was looking at porn or something. After all, he is a 30 yr. old man. Turns out he was chatting with the OW. But tried to assure me they were just "friends". I had no reason not to believe him. He had always been so good to me. He has always treated me really well. My friends, and family would even comment on lucky i was to have him, and have him be so good to me. And i always thought the same things about him. But, for some reason or another, something told me that something just wasnt right. which i had been feeling for the last few months,...and i even discussed it with him. Though the fact that this was happening,...was a million miles from my mind. I would have never thought in a million years that he would have done this to me. I thought our problem was just, the basic marital problems, you know,...time passes, you stop paying a whole lot of attention to each other, you stop saying i love you as much, you dont spent nearly enough time together, and well, you just lose your "spark". I had even began to question wether or not we were falling out of love, and if we were really meant to be together FOREVER. but, i went to him and poured my heart out, just like a month ago,...and told him how i felt, and he said he realized that we didnt have a storybook fairytale, for a marriage, but that he just assumed that, that is just what happens, when you have been together that long. I mean hes only 30, and im 27,...but we have been together for over 12 yrs.! since i was 16. and we have only been married just 4yrs. in OCT. I told him that i was not ok, with the way things were, i wanted more,...i wanted our relationship to be better, and for us to be the way we were when our love was new. I wanted to be completly happy. and at that time i wasnt. I made all this clear to him. He agreed to meet me half way and that we would work on that. But, as it turns out....well ya know. the OW!!! So, i dont know after all, if these feelings were just womens intuition. I just knew that something was "off"...

 

so moving on, my husband has never been able to BS me,...i can always see right him. And after the whole chat thing, i knew something was up. even though i tried denying it to myslef. I just could not, and would not, believe that he would ever do that to me! but he did. so the moring after the chat incident i went in to pc, and tried to get the message history. He deleted it! DELETED IT! RED FLAG! RED FLAGS WENT UP EVERYWHERE!!! (even still i was in denial) So, he leaves for work later that night, and i make a joke, as he picks his phone up from the bar, and say "dont tell me she has your number too"..., and he just blushes, but kinda like a uh-oh blush. I asked why, and he said because he ordered some food one time, (she works as a cashier in the cafe portion of the place he works) and he had her call him when it was ready because he was working on the roof or something that day. (maintenance dept.) I bought it! it was a completly logical explanation! well, later on that night, my sister convinced me to go online and check the phone records, i didnt want to, it would just be a waste of time. (DENIAL) Never the less, we did. and thats when i found out he had been calling her quite often, late at night when he was working night shift, when he would be gone to the store, sometimes when he would just be outside, when i was here, at home, in the house! There were also some text messages, but ofcourse you cant read then, just that they were sent and both received. I couldnt believe it!

 

I immediatly called him, and demanded a explanation,...he confirmed for me the # was hers, and i completly lost it. I began yelling and cursing him, and obviously hanging up. i then called my mother, i was in so much pain, and more than anything just in total and complete SHOCK! He actually left work and came home , after countless efforts to call me back, to which i would not answer the phone. When he arrived home after i asked him to leave, he began pleading for a chance to explain, and though i could hardly stand to even look at him, (at this point i had no clue as to how far this thing may have went) i deceided to listen. He basically told me that she was just a friend, and the she was easy to talk to , and that he mainly talked to her about us. how he wasnt sure if he was in love with me anymore, and how he didnt know what to do, because he didnt want to lose me, but didnt know if we were still suppose to be together. The SAME things, that i had tried to talk to him about just a couple weeks earlier! I couldnt believe my ears! He said he was scared to tell me, cus he didnt want to hurt me, and just couldnt bring himself to say it to me. He said that he had told the OW several times, that he couldnt talk to her anymore, that he wanted to concentrate on us, but he would still continue to call her, and he didnt know why. When i asked him if he liked her he said he didnt know. That he thought he did, but knew it was wrong, because he was married to me. However he said he told her this. MY HUSBAND told another women that he did not know if he was in love with me, but that he liked her. Im having a really hard time with this! After many many tears and a few sleepless nights, and lots of talking, and even some serious chewing out on my part, he said that he realized that he does love me, and does not ever wanna be without me. He has been very apologetic about the whole thing, i dont have a single ounce of doubt that he is remorseful. And i too have realized that Im so ridiculously in love with this man, and that i wanna spend forever with him! but i still wonder to myself every once in awhile, should i be staying with him? Does he deserve me now? Why would i let him get away with with this? I mean we continue to talk about it some, after all it has only been less than 2 weeks, and we still cry together from time to time, and lord knows i still cry when im alone, or in the company of friends or family, and he probably does also. I mean it hurts. it hurts alot. It hurts me that he did this. And it hurts him that he did this to me. which brings me to my question. Do we have a chance in this world of ever getting past this? I mean he has taken full responsibility for his actions, and even said the words out of his own mouth, that he cheated on me, so he does acknowledge that even though he did not sleep with her, he still cheated. and has really been making an effort to be here for me, through this whole thing. If i have a question about the OW (which by the way she was only 21 yrs old!, and she doesnt have the best rep. from things that i have heard about her. Im thinking that alot of this probably stemmed from the attention that she was giving him, you know the flirting and all that girls that age, still do. He says that he thinks it was more about something he was going through, than it was so much about her.) like i was saying, if i have a question about her, or anything to do with it, he pacifies me, and answers them. The relationship never become physical, other than 1 hug, and her slapping his butt a few times! (21, remember) he tells he loves me countless numbers of times a day. And we are really happy right now! even though, at the same time we are broken. If that even makes sense. I know that this is gonna take time, and effort on his part to regain my trust, and effort on both our parts, to ensure that the other person knows how much they are loved, wanted, and needed.

 

So, ill take any advice or opinions i can get right now, that may help make this process alittle easier. i thought it may be better to get an opnion form someone who is on the outside looking in. Do you think this is early MLC? Do you think we have a chance, and do you think were on the right path to a better us? And most of all, if anyone out there has been in this situation before, has your SO, ever does this again?

 

(i apologize for the really long post, i guess i just got caught up..., hope i didint cross any of the community guidlines)

[KikiW]

It sounds like you're really hurting, and I am sorry about that It really sucks that he did this to you.

 

My questions would be:

 

Has he given you full access to his emails, texts, phones, etc?

Have you two discussed marriage counseling and is he agreeable to it?

Do you feel satisfied with his answers or do you feel there are things unanswered - do you feel like he is only answering what you are asking as if to hope you won't ask anything further that he would have to fess up to?

If you are not completely satisfied with the answers, would you consider using a keylogger on his computer, or hiring a PI to get the full story?

Is he willing to go NC with this woman, potentially looking for a new job if necessary?

 

EAs really hurt. You expected your partner to come to YOU to discuss issues within your marriage, not go to another woman about them. It's a huge betrayal of your love and trust. If he is truly intent on making your marriage work, he needs to agree never to speak to her, and that if you catch even a whiff of him hiding something, you will turn his world upside down to get to the truth of the matter.

 

JMHO.

[ladyhamilton]

It sounds like you're really hurting, and I am sorry about that It really sucks that he did this to you.

 

My questions would be:

 

Has he given you full access to his emails, texts, phones, etc?

Have you two discussed marriage counseling and is he agreeable to it?

Do you feel satisfied with his answers or do you feel there are things unanswered - do you feel like he is only answering what you are asking as if to hope you won't ask anything further that he would have to fess up to?

If you are not completely satisfied with the answers, would you consider using a keylogger on his computer, or hiring a PI to get the full story?

Is he willing to go NC with this woman, potentially looking for a new job if necessary?

 

EAs really hurt. You expected your partner to come to YOU to discuss issues within your marriage, not go to another woman about them. It's a huge betrayal of your love and trust. If he is truly intent on making your marriage work, he needs to agree never to speak to her, and that if you catch even a whiff of him hiding something, you will turn his world upside down to get to the truth of the matter.

 

JMHO.

 

Thanks kiki for your response.

 

yes, he has given me complete access to all accounts, cell phone, ect.

marriage counseling has been brought up, though, it was lightly, though he did oblige, to be complete honest, and i dont want to sound the foolish nieve wife here, i honestly think at this point he would do nearly anything to satisfy me, with hopes of gaining my forgiveness. but i can assure you i am no fool! not anymore!

and yes, so far i have been satisfied with the answers he has provided

me, if for some reason i was not, or felt like i needed to know more, i would simply clarifly my question, and again he would answer.

A PI, i cannot afford! lol! but i would consider a keylogger...

and yes, i have made it VERY clear more than once, that he is to have no contact with her whatsoever, not even a hello, or a quick smile if he happens to walk past her. He is not to speak to her unless it is absolutely nessacary and work related. luckily she has recently been moved to another dept, which he is rarely interacts with, so the chances of running into her SHOULD be few and far between. He has ageed to leave his job, if he or i find it neccasary, even though it would make things financially difficult for us, beings regular jobs are hard really tough to find in our area at this time. However, i dont care if i have to eat rice at every meal, and move in with my parents, if thats what it takes to secure my marriage.

And he has been told, and already learned in the past two weeks, that i am and will be watching him like a hawk! I hate so much that is has to be that way, but he has said himself, that he knows he made things that way for himself, and he is willing to pay consequences for his actions.

[KikiW]

As long as you have that "gut feeling" that he is coming completely clean and is honestly working toward regaining your trust AND he has gone completely NC with this other woman, I think you have a good chance as repairing the relationship.

 

Make no mistake, continue to monitor him and DO NOT feel bad doing it. It's part of the penance he must pay for betraying your trust. Eventually you may find less of a need to check up on him, but I still recommend you do "spot checks"...

 

Of course, I think it goes without saying that he should know that if you find out he's up to something again, his rear end will hit the sidewalk faster than he can blink.

 

But most of all pay attention to your instincts. They DO help, don't ignore them.

 

Good luck

[ladyhamilton]

 

Of course, I think it goes without saying that he should know that if you find out he's up to something again, his rear end will hit the sidewalk faster than he can blink.

 

 

Good luck

 

I have made that ABSOLUTELY CLEAR! And told him time and time again,...i will not do this myself again. If there is a next time, there will be no talking it out, no explanations,....Its over! I will file for a divorce, without a second thought. Simple as that. I love him very much, and it will be very difficult to let him go, but, not only do i deserve, but also, want better for myself! I will not let anyone take advantage of me, or my emotions!

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I really appreciate your time, and advice, as well as your wishes for luck. I know no matter how well things seem to be going,...it cant hurt to have a little added luck!

[Spoiled]

I don't buy it. I know deep down, you have your doubts too. I think they at least kissed. One hug, yeah, right.

 

That much phone calls and telling her that he likes her and she flirting back with butt slapping and all, you really think all they do is just talk on the phone?

 

They could have easily take it to the local motel during lunch, before work, or after work. They could have easily done it at her place or in the back seat.

 

Do you really believe it was just an emotional affair? Seriously.

 

 

I agree with this post. It is highly unlikely they were never physical. My xMM was also the "perfect husband" and good to his wife. We were friends eleven years prior to our 1 year affair. We sent texts, spoke via cells, and emailed each other daily. We lived a few hours apart, yet managed to spend entire days together almost every month. Both of our marriages were like you described, together for over ten years with no "spark."

[kis]

I agree with this post. It is highly unlikely they were never physical. My xMM was also the "perfect husband" and good to his wife. We were friends eleven years prior to our 1 year affair. We sent texts, spoke via cells, and emailed each other daily. We lived a few hours apart, yet managed to spend entire days together almost every month. Both of our marriages were like you described, together for over ten years with no "spark."

 

Lots of people have emotional affiars that never become physical. It happens.

[StillFighting]

I am in a very similar situation and understand exactly what you are going through. Only I wish my husband was showing remorse. At first it was just blank stares or really defensive comments. Now, he is being extra loving and affectionate but still reluctant to tell this woman goodbye. He will answer direct questions about his relationship with her, but is certainly not forthcoming about the affair. They work together, which makes it all the more difficult for me. We are in counselling (just started) but it has been two months and he still will not fully commit to the marriage. Our relationship means the world to me and this came out of the blue, same as you.

 

It seems every time he takes a step towards me, he screws up and takes a few back. He even pulled away from her once, but then went right back. I was really optimistic at first that we could make things work. I just wanted to understand why it happened and how we could fix it. I never thought divorce would be an option, but as time goes on my confidence is quite shaky. I wish you the best of luck. I am doing what I can to find strength in friends and family...and still trying to keep a glimmer of hope alive that he will wake up and realize what he is about to lose.

[2sunny]

I am in a very similar situation and understand exactly what you are going through. Only I wish my husband was showing remorse. At first it was just blank stares or really defensive comments. Now, he is being extra loving and affectionate but still reluctant to tell this woman goodbye. He will answer direct questions about his relationship with her, but is certainly not forthcoming about the affair. They work together, which makes it all the more difficult for me. We are in counselling (just started) but it has been two months and he still will not fully commit to the marriage. Our relationship means the world to me and this came out of the blue, same as you.

 

It seems every time he takes a step towards me, he screws up and takes a few back. He even pulled away from her once, but then went right back. I was really optimistic at first that we could make things work. I just wanted to understand why it happened and how we could fix it. I never thought divorce would be an option, but as time goes on my confidence is quite shaky. I wish you the best of luck. I am doing what I can to find strength in friends and family...and still trying to keep a glimmer of hope alive that he will wake up and realize what he is about to lose.

 

doesn't seem like he's had any consequences. throw him out... THAT might make him uncomfortable enough to change. as long as he's comfortable - why shouldn't he do exactly what he wants? if he's terribly uncomfortable and figures he may definitely lose the life he used to have - he may begin to consider change... until then - not so much!

 

if nothing changes - nothing changes. he's not intending to change anything - he likes it fine this way... and figures you're the one with the problem.

[Gunny376]

doesn't seem like he's had any consequences. throw him out... THAT might make him uncomfortable enough to change. as long as he's comfortable - why shouldn't he do exactly what he wants? if he's terribly uncomfortable and figures he may definitely lose the life he used to have - he may begin to consider change... until then - not so much!

 

if nothing changes - nothing changes. he's not intending to change anything - he likes it fine this way... and figures you're the one with the problem.

 

A Great Post!

[Woman In Blue]

He's doing damage control. It's very likely this was more than just an innocent flirtation - it's almost a guarantee their "friendship" was more than just emotional. If she lived in another state and this was all done by text and chat, you could probably assume it wasn't physical. But they worked together at night - so the chances are extremely high it definitely DID go alot further than what your husband wants to admit.

 

Let's face it - he's ONLY going to admit to what you catch him at. You CAUGHT the constant phone calls on his cell bill. You SAW the suspicious behavior on the computer - and the erased history logs. Therefore, he HAD to admit to them.

 

You've only seen and heard the tip of the iceburg - there's more to the story than you were given.

[allhopelost]

He's doing damage control. It's very likely this was more than just an innocent flirtation - it's almost a guarantee their "friendship" was more than just emotional. If she lived in another state and this was all done by text and chat, you could probably assume it wasn't physical. But they worked together at night - so the chances are extremely high it definitely DID go a lot further than what your husband wants to admit.

 

Let's face it - he's ONLY going to admit to what you catch him at. You CAUGHT the constant phone calls on his cell bill. You SAW the suspicious behavior on the computer - and the erased history logs. Therefore, he HAD to admit to them.

 

You've only seen and heard the tip of the iceberg - there's more to the story than you were given.

 

I am afraid that I have to agree. It may very well be that the physical contact was minimal, but given what you have heard about this 21 year olds reputation, do you really think she is capable of a strictly Platonic relationship? She was thinking gravy train... Ahh, and yes, your H is in full blown "Damage Control" most likely - all us Betrayed Spouses are all to familiar with this broken record scenario... There are virtually no 30 year old men capable of withstanding the advances of a 21 year old if she has her sights set on him. It is biologically atypical for him not to respond in some fashion, and then the fog sets in...

[hopesndreams]

It is the nature of the beast to go from emotional to physical and it does not take months of phone calls, etc, to get to that next level. A hug and a few butt slaps? Highly unlikely and you know it, otherwise you wouldn't be as distressed as you are.

 

You love him, lots, there is no dispute of that. Crying together, working through the heartache, trying to rebuild trust, it all seems so one-sided doesn't it? Because it is. He is still fooling you and will continue to do so. Why? Because he can. You may think all that you are doing now will bring him round, but sadly, it will not. It only prolongs the eventual demise of your M. Why? Because he is not coming clean. He has had no consequences for his actions, he knows he won't lose anything because of your actions. You are appearing desperate. This will not endear himself to you. It only pushes him away further but you won't see that now, down the road you will, if your behaviour continues.

 

Is he still in contact with the 21 year old? As long as he is, your M stands no chance. He's weak and wants the best of both worlds. A loving W and a bit on the side that makes his heart race. He won't give it up voluntarily.

 

The choice is yours. Can you be with the H that has betrayed you with another? Some can, some just can't but without full disclosure on your H's part, and true remorse and MC, he won't be the only one fooling you, you will be fooling yourself.