adamt Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 you have to put yourself first. this is torture for you and you dont know what she wants. you really need to confront it head on to sort it out one way or the other. I think deep down you know what you have to do but you are afraid to push what you want because you feel she will cut contact with you and then you have no scraps to feed off. you should not let this drag on anymore because some time donw the line you will regret wasting so much time waiting for her. Xmas is a good time to get out with your friends and have a chance to enjoy yourself. Also as you live in different cities how sure can you be she isnt talking to other men?
Author neoskunk Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 well we go to school in the same city it's just we are on winter break and don't live in the same city right now. and I spent a lot of time and nights with her the past month so I really don't think that she has someone else but it's always a possibility (I also have a key to her apartment she has yet to take if that makes any difference.) and as for christmas being a good time to go out and do stuff with my friends that's what I plan on doing for the next few weeks. I'm going to try and think about her as little as I can. the only reason I don't want to use the ultimatum is because I don't see the point. I think I need to just gradually wean myself off of her and assume the worst. if she wants me she will make it known. if not then I'm going to start to heal. also I believe one of the main reasons she broke it off is because I have the tendency to become paranoid and obsessive when she doesn't respond to a text or return a call. which to be honest I hadn't really noticed. so i think an ultimatum would come off as more of that paranoid obessive attitude. just leaving her alone may show I'm at least cognizant of the issue and trying to work on it. i think i may have held her just a bit too tight. any of yall ruin a relationship like that?
Author neoskunk Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 what would be signs that she is lonely/misses me? and how long should i give her the space for? like i was saying earlier her actions when we are together and her actions when we are apart seem out of sync. when we are together everything seems fine and we almost behave like a couple but then when we are apart and I am trying to text her or something it seems like she doesn't give a flying flip about me. maybe i am just expecting too much when it comes to texting and stuff or misinterpret her real mood behind a text???? maybe this is just the "space" she needs for a bit? i should'nt be worried just because she isn't texting/calling me all the time right? she can still care about me without being in contact with me at all times right? ok i know those questions are ridiculous but thats how i feel, at least right now. if she isn't contacting me she must not care. someone tell me this is wrong, please.
Author neoskunk Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 (edited) ok so forget the last post i made. sadly i think things are over. i sent her a text saying "hey whats up? if you can't ever see us working things out i need you to let me know because days like yesterday get my hopes up." her response was "i'm not getting back together with you anytime soon." I then told her "i really thought things could be different but i respected her decision and i appreciated her telling me." she then proceeded to say that "maybe they could be different but not right now." I then said that "i think she will find that i am going to slowly fade out of her life." she said she "didn't know what to say" and i said "nothing needs to be said" and thats where it was left. so i suppose my story or "ours" ends here. I'm not sure what she means by maybe they could be different but not right now. i'm done talking to her and i'm finally going to start the healing process. surprisingly i don't feel too bad. glad to finally have some answers and be done with this uncaring girl. turns out i should have walked from the beginning like you all said. oh well, lesson learned. if a girl ever starts questioning things or getting flaky just run. it is not within our power to bring them back. they must come back on their own accord. all in all i feel pretty lucky.... 1. this happened when i'm 20 and not much further down the road when me and her could have been married and had kids. 2. this is a good lesson to learn, i should not and should'nt have been worried about changing myself to meet her needs....they must accept us for who we are not who we could be or who we were not sure what the point of this post is...i suppose to make myself feel better about the situation. anyways thanks again to everyone on here, although i didn't listen to your advice initially it was still good to have people to talk to and people to listen to my incessant worrying and crying Edited December 16, 2009 by neoskunk
tVII Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 im sorry to say, you're in denial right now. first stage
HLP234 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Well that good that you let her know. I could do the same thing over a text but I will wait till she is back and do it in person. There is no point waiting to see if she has changed, unless she really says or acts like she wants to be with me again. Which that won't happen right away..she will be sad she left home and her friends again. I have a feeling she won't leave me alone after I tell her this, or she will be mad and hate me. But like you said its a hard lesson and whenever this situation comes up, its always best to not wait too long. I'm glad you are starting the heal process, makes me feel a lil better and gives me some hope since I will be doing the same thing in a matter of weeks. It will be hard though, I went to a movie with some friends and it was so different because I always watched movies with her, it sucked but its like quitting smoking, you gotta learn to do stuff without the cigarette in between.
Author neoskunk Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 how am i in denial? i have fully accepted that we are not together anymore and probably never will be again. i'm going to focus on myself for a while and figure out what makes me happy.
silic0ntoad Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Well Neo, I am glad you gave her the ultimatum. In a way you helped yourself by stopping a massive amount of pain and torment by pushing the envelope. Look, onechance above said give her space. I've NEVER seen anyone actually come back after taking a break. Asking for the "break" is the hardest step. Decoupling becomes easier after the question is asked. So, now you have to look to the future. Honestly, I'd block her phone number and delete all her sh*t on your PC. If she wants you she'll get around the blocked number and contact you in person back at school. Seasons greetings! It's the best time of year to meet a woman. Shopping malls, stores, etc. All packed full of them. So get out there and enjoy your newfound singleness.
Author neoskunk Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 i see no reason to block her number but i have removed everything from my pc and room and anywhere else where she previously had an influence. and yea i very seriously doubt she ever had any plans of getting back together with me. she was trying to let me down easy and ended up just dragging things out and giving me false hope. she claims she does not want a relationship right now but if she did it would be with me. I say bull ****. i dont know that i can start meeting new women right away but i'm going to start doing things i like to do, such as working on cars. i think im going to the junk yard tomorrow to find my next project car.
silic0ntoad Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I did the exact same thing. Same day my ex left I went out and bought a 1980 Chevy Camaro Z28 for $100. Needless to say I am still working on it, but it's a great tension reliever and something to stimulate you. Good plan.
adamt Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I am sad it didnt work out for you but happy you took control and got an answer. you just couldnt carry on in limbo and torture. At least now you have xmas and new year holidays to get out there with friends and have a bit of fun. having friends around like this time is very important. I wouldnt believe all the bull***** about not wanting a boyfriends right now. my ex said the same and 7 months on we arent back together. dont over analyse her reasons, most of it is just lip service. most people want a break to get away from their partner if they are really into the other person. i see a break as a way for the dumper to test that they arnt goign to miss you. most cases they dont my only comfort is that i was devastated when we broke up, but 7 months on i have been on a couple of dates and met someone i really like and hoping things can develop. just focus on yourself and be selfish, get into shape and try new things that you may enjoy. hang out with friends as much as possible.
sean1970 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 While it may be true, to some degree, it was likely that she was trying to let herself down easy. And, as you said above, dont 'ease' your way out of her life, rip yourself from it. Neo, she will contact you again. Dont answer. Allow her to really miss you. She knows where to find you if she really wants to talk. If when she confronts you in person (likely), and you get get 'chit chat', "Sorry sweetie, I have to go", is your answer and leave. Dont wait for any of this, dont expect it, keep busy, work on yourself.
Author neoskunk Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 thanks adamt you give me some hope. and yea i don't really care what she says or how she says it. we are through and thats the simple fact, you can sugar coat it or beat around the bush but we are done end of story. for the first time ever i think if she does contact me again (i really doubt it personally though but you would have to know her, stubborn bitch) i'm going to follow the advice on here and give her the cold shoulder. lets see her fall all over herself trying to win me back
meerkat stew Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 While it may be true, to some degree, it was likely that she was trying to let herself down easy. And, as you said above, dont 'ease' your way out of her life, rip yourself from it. Neo, she will contact you again. Dont answer. Allow her to really miss you. She knows where to find you if she really wants to talk. If when she confronts you in person (likely), and you get get 'chit chat', "Sorry sweetie, I have to go", is your answer and leave. Dont wait for any of this, dont expect it, keep busy, work on yourself. Well said. Neo, you have a great attitude, get that car and get busy in other ways too. Stay strong and NC and you will be right back on track before you know it.
Author neoskunk Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 yea im just trying to be optimistic. no point in sitting around feeling sorry for myself. biggest thing is I don't want to wait for whatever is next in my life, i mean in terms of women. starting over sounds awful, but maybe fun at the same time
meerkat stew Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 starting over sounds awful, but maybe fun at the same time I don't make guarantees to folks on the internet often, but I guarantee that there will come a time, after you go NC, when you have a new girl who adores you, and at that time, you will come back and dig up this thread and have a good laugh about how you ever let this woman own such a big chunk of your thoughts. We've all been there.
Author neoskunk Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 thanks for the reassurance. everyone around me says i deserve better than her and she was a bitch and blah blah blah but i kind of just think thats what everyone says after anyone breaks up and is just what is said regardless of what actually happens when two people break up.
HLP234 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Your friends will say she is a bitch and her friends will agree with her. There is no point to it. I'm still worrying about letting mine know I'm done. I was fine this morning and didn't even care about it while I was at work. Then all of a sudden it just randomly hits me how much I miss not having her. I know its stupid but I don't know why I have such great feelings for her. I dunno if she did anything with that best friend guy of hers..that would set me off and I would be pissed..even though we are on a break. Its like I don't want to go on like this but at the same time I don't want to get rid of her because of how much I feel for the girl. It will be a while before I can even get closer to another person like I did with her.
Author neoskunk Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 yea i know how you feel man. there is no good answer other than to just try and get a straight answer from her. if she can't tell you what she wants then just leave her alone. you can't make her want you. and yea these emotions are like a roller coaster. one minute you are thinking hey im ok i dont need her and the next you are thinking about the good memories you have together and all the stuff you two could be doing or would normally be doing right now.
HLP234 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Yeh it truly sucks and I can't believe that I've never felt so much pain and so horrible before. I mean I wasn't extremely happy before I had her but I was decently happy or watever, you know normal. Now after her, I dunno how the hell it feels to be normal anymore. Its like a disease/drug. I 'm gonna tell her when she comes back that I'm taking a stand, she thinks I can't make decisions..thats the problem. I know exactly what she will say after I tell her too. She will accuse me of not wanting to wait and make it seem like she was really just sad and confused, she will accuse me of lying about saying a while ago that I would give her time she wanted. Basically I know all this because she is stubborn and impatient. I mean she is an awesome girl I just don't know wtf happened. I bet it is all the baggage from her ex fiance who she knew for 3 years and was about to marry when he cheated on her and dumped her. I told her after that, I would wait till she got over him and then she complained about me not wanting her because I hadn't asked her out yet. Going from one relationship into another is not healthy and I think that is the problem too here.
Space Ritual Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 yea i know how you feel man. there is no good answer other than to just try and get a straight answer from her. if she can't tell you what she wants then just leave her alone. you can't make her want you. and yea these emotions are like a roller coaster. one minute you are thinking hey im ok i dont need her and the next you are thinking about the good memories you have together and all the stuff you two could be doing or would normally be doing right now. NEO!!! I came back here to check up on you man...and I read through where I left off a month or so ago and I said at that time that I wasn't sure you would pull the trigger, but for all intents and purposes you did, and Im proud of you. Listen I know as well as anyone that doing it is the easy part...the sticking to it is what will be hard. with all due respect I know you will probably run into her after winter break, BUT.. Please delete as much as you can of her from your life over this winter break. dear god you are probably baklc at home and haven't seen your friends in awhile...go out with them and my god you are what, 20? go hookup wityh someone while on break. Man this chick was dragging you around by the shorthairs, and believe me its happened to the best of us...but you are only 20. Normally to an older person I wouldn't suggest this, but in your case I am gonna.... Don't worry about the serenity, go party and at your age, the best way to get over this girl is to get under another one! Take care...and GO NO CONTACT WITH THE EX, OR SHE WILL SUCK YOU BACK INTO HER VORTEX LIKE A HOOVER
Author neoskunk Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 HLP i know what you are going through dude. i would suggest making a stand sooner rather than later. but i know all too well it is very very hard to do. best thing to do in my opinion is not to be mean about it but just talk to her straight up. if she can't give you any answers move on. Space Ritual thanks for the advice and as for following through...turns out after NC for 24 hours she texted me. said she hoped i had a good day. i didn't respond. should i respond in the morning and just say i hope you had a good day too? or just don't respond at all? lol i don't even know why i asked that question i know the resounding answer is don't respond at all but that text just gave me more false hope. so i shouldn't respond right? if she wanted to get back together she would find ways around me not responding right?
HLP234 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Yeh don't respond. Well I found out from freakin myspace that she is spending the night with this "best friend." That is what her status comment says. I wish I had not seen that and if I say anything she will tell me they did not do anything but I'm sure they could have. I'm so pissed and hurt right now its not even funny. I guess I will have to text her some time and let her know I never want to see or hear from her again.
silic0ntoad Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 HLP i know what you are going through dude. i would suggest making a stand sooner rather than later. but i know all too well it is very very hard to do. best thing to do in my opinion is not to be mean about it but just talk to her straight up. if she can't give you any answers move on. Space Ritual thanks for the advice and as for following through...turns out after NC for 24 hours she texted me. said she hoped i had a good day. i didn't respond. should i respond in the morning and just say i hope you had a good day too? or just don't respond at all? lol i don't even know why i asked that question i know the resounding answer is don't respond at all but that text just gave me more false hope. so i shouldn't respond right? if she wanted to get back together she would find ways around me not responding right? No. Don't respond. Give her her "space" to go do whatever she pleases. She's no longer your problem. @HLP - well, now we know why she needed the break, bro. She's clearly made her choice. Tell her to eff off and never speak to her again.
sean1970 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Space Ritual thanks for the advice and as for following through...turns out after NC for 24 hours she texted me. said she hoped i had a good day. i didn't respond. should i respond in the morning and just say i hope you had a good day too? or just don't respond at all? Neo... Hand me your phone... Cmon.. give it... No, you dont respond... and you dont respond to the next 10 you will get for not answering... I hate saying this, as it gives hope when that is not the objective, but you should be preparing for the home visit you are going to get if you keep ignoring her...
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