dollface07 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Please tell me how long it takes for the wishful thinking that your ex will somehow miss u throughout the days of NC...to fully realize what a valuable person you are and come back to you new and improved? I am being tormented he saw me in the library exactly one day after my first month NC and he came up to me asking me twice repeatedly "how are you...how are you?" i just sat there frozen finally after a brief pause i slowly turned my head and looked at him without looking AT his eyes...and i feigned a smile...he immedialty took one look at my face and said "oh! okay" in a very shocked way..and LITERLLY ran away with his head lowered like a coward... then i saw him again yesterday in the ER b/c my friend and i were being tested for H1N1 since we were both exposed he tried to turn and smile at us BUT i just again turneed my face to avoid him b/c my intinct just wants to FLEE any source of emotional pain torment...i was in a one sided love relationship for HALF A YEAR!!! so he didnt even let his heart feel for me and he selfishly kept giving me the false illusion that the relationship was moving forward just so that i could break down and sleep with him when i felt that we werent emotionally connecting properly I(see my first post) i chose to end it and it hurt SO much i was in total utter shock b/c i had fallen in deep attachment with this illusion :'( PLEASE tell me is all my NC progress ruined b/c i began to get sad wondering why he ran away from me at the library and then why couldnt i just even look in his eyes the next day in the hospital i feel SO immature but he hurt me soooo much that i dont even want to PRETEND to be civil cordial etcc.... how long before i can accept that he really will not come back to me ever ever ever ? i am a full month of NC people i am half way there to the 60 days that "it's called a break up b/c its broken" book suggested to feel really strong oh gosh i just wanna focus on my academics :'( when will the wishful thinking be gone just when...i felt i had really been making progress after that terrible first month of torment tears and more tears... pls advise anyone! thank u soooo much! doll
WTRanger Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 It will happen when you yourself allow it to happen. There isn't a magical "feelings" fairy that comes around at night and clears you of your feelings for someone. Its up to you and only you. You are allowing yourself to wallow at the bottom because that is what our brains are designed to do. Our brains like to worry and we worry when things don't go according to our plan. But our plan isn't even close to the plan. If you want to focus on your studies, then do it. Remind yourself to focus on your studies and not him. If you find your mind wandering, bring it back to where you need it to be. Reward yourself for focusing on something else for a few minutes. Make it a reward that is good for you! Say maybe a food you love but haven't eaten in a while, take yourself out to dinner, give yourself a you-date. Love yourself. Accept things as they are, not as they should be. Accept that it is over, for now, between the two of you. I mean rreeeeaaaaalllly accept it. Don't just BS us and say you accept it, because you will still secretly harbor feelings. Accept your ex for who he is NOW, not who he was. Because who he was no longer exists. That was a phantom. Who he IS is reality staring at you in the face, waiting for you to blink. Take some time during each day to focus on him though, but don't dwell. I focus on things between my ex and I when I am taking a dump. I figure if I am going to get the crap out of my body, it might as well be in two ways. But once I flush, all of my problems are gone with the poo-cloud and down the toilet they go. Now, its time to focus on my life, my real thoughts and myself. Focus on the good times, don't dwell in the bad. Our minds always remembers the ends, and never the beginnings. See if there is anything you can take away from what happened. Use it as a learning experience. You have the pleasure of hind-sight, so use it. This isn't easy. But you are so much stronger than your brain. There are a ton of good things to read out there about gaining control of your thoughts during a break up. Plus, keep posting here and we'll help you through this.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 >so he didnt even let his heart feel for me and he selfishly kept giving me the false illusion that the relationship was moving forward just so that i could break down and sleep with him < doll hun, why would you want him back if he did this to you?
Author dollface07 Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Well honestly, i wanted him back to validate my worth on some level. i was a perfect gf to him for half a year standing next to him and supporting him helping him with his residency applications and being soooo faithful pure hearted true and loving...so when i realized he was only in it for the sex...i had like some sort of narcissistic assault/injury on my character and i lost something about my person...i dont know if this makes sense i felt a deep sense of rejection b/c i am SURE i was careful to be the BEST possible girlfriend.... so i was misguided wanting him to come back to me b/c he is really smart and a doctor and i wanted the financial stability that that brought with a marriage to someone like him (btw i know i sound like a gold digger right now) LOL i am TOTALLY capable of taking care of myself financially b/c my father died and my uncle and im the oldest of my family so i have been strong independent in terms of working/securing funding for my higher education etc...BUT in all honesty i would rather have the OPTION to work as opposed to being forced to to survive/make ends meet...and i could see myself DEEPLY loving my nerdy dr hehe despite that he had MAJOR passive aggressive interpersonal communication problems trust me his only friends truely were his books! but i overlooked all of that b/c of the potential i saw of us really working out and being there for each other...i also loved that we were both relatively innocent sexually so we could grow together...but he didnt see any value in that he wanted to develop his own sense of identity with many sexual exploits whereas i would be fine marrying the first man i give myself to forever and ever (yeah a bit old fashioned but that's that way mama raised me!) my heart isnt made to sleep around will many different guys and i NEVER judge anyone who does do this...to each their own way...im soooo outgoing and social butterflyish okay so NObody would bet that my sexual behaviors dont match my liberal free outgoing nature! loool im NOT a tease...i just want the foundations of commitment respect and potential to thrive before i give myself in that sort of way he didnt wanna cultivate such a foundation after 6 months i wasnt a total prude ok we DID stuff i realize he's a man and had needs but it was at the point he wanted MORE AND MORE AND MOREEEE without giving me the SMALLEST part of his heart... sigh that i had to pull the plug b/c then i would have just hurt myself worse but I WANTED him to come back with some grand gesture like to marry me or something...i guess that is really the issue at hand i dont wanna have a superficial thing i want something serious but his years of medical school makes him want the exact opposite....sooo i was HOPING he would with time come to realize that opposite thing he wants to taste while it's his right to experience it...isnt the be all and end all of life happiness and greatness and then he would return to me...b/c i did love him it couldnt all have only been about financial stability and brains b/c i wouldnt have MOURNED this man-child heheh like a true death had there not been deep love for him...our relationship was relatively innocent...so i guess i feel he was my last chance to cultivate an innocent love to grow together with and live stability ever after he did this b/c he was immature and didnt know any better REALLY im not making excuses he was THAT inexperienced so i just keep thinking he gets the experience, misses me and comes back...but the things he needs to learn will take years maybe to cultivate within himself and i just turned 26 on nov 8 so if and when he comes back i might be too old or with someone else...i cant just wait for him...:'( but i am keeping NC and staying on LS to keep myself focused on my gains and to not reach out to him in anyway other than unblocking him from messenger but keeping him off my friends list so i dont grow any anticipation if he does by chance come onlne 5 weeks and he has never once called me all he did was come up to me at the library to ask me how i was and then i didnt even get a chance to speak and he ran away from me after taking jsut one quick look at my face hehe i thought that i smiled heheheh that was funny he's really childish but it's charming on some level i like nerdy guys i just cant help myself maybe b/c i must be a nerd at heart! thanks for reading HeavenOrHell >so he didnt even let his heart feel for me and he selfishly kept giving me the false illusion that the relationship was moving forward just so that i could break down and sleep with him < doll hun, why would you want him back if he did this to you?
Author dollface07 Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 i need more time to consider all your words so i can give u a well thoughtout through reply pls im reading for midterms right now! THANK u for taking the time to advise me i realllllly appreciate it! it really helped me when i was having more challenging moment:cool:! take care and talk to u soon hopefully!
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