Wife wants space after she had an affair

[ann09]

I'm glad you realized your comment was uncalled for. It is also good that you're learning things about yourself, and hopefully you can bring those things back to your own marriage/divorce.

 

Being a walkaway, you bring this forum a different perspective which could be good and a lot of us could learn from you. Just try to be more objective when offering advice to others. Don't make generalizations painting all the men, or women, under one brush. It's pretty hurtful to those who are new and heartbroken in this whole mess.

 

 

I agree my comment was very uncalled for. I am learning a lot on this forum and recognizing that I am coming from a vastly different position. I feel like an outcast.

[FeelingLonely98]

I feel like an outcast.

 

ann: Please do not feel like this. Like dgiirl said, your perspective is welcome. Nobody wants you to stop posting. Just that BSs here are hurting so much. Just be careful with your posts in the future and keep the BS pain in mind while telling your story while trying to figure it all out.

 

GOOD LUCK to you.

 

PEACE!

[carhill]

I noted the OP hasn't been back.

 

Some questions:

 

Does the OP's wife work outside of the home?

 

What 'responsibility' does he feel for the affair? (his words)

 

How much MC has taken place? Were they in MC before Dday?

 

Is he willing to make changes in his life to move home and actively parent his children on a daily basis? I have a feeling I'm going to hear the story of a man who works too much and didn't make proper and healthy time for his family.....

[floridapad]

Sean....You out there????

 

Whatever you decide to do there are a couple of things you may want to consider

 

1) Please don't grovel to her. This will make you look weak and unattractive. Trust me. Your begging and pleading will only make her run further away.

2) Stop telling her you love her (if you are still doing this). She knows this but really doesn't want to hear it.

3) her "counseling" is a bunch of BS. She is trying to be able to say "see I am trying" when in reality her mind is with OM or on the "idea" of being free.

4) Keep coming to LS for advice. There is a lot of good advice on here although there seems to be abit of infighting on this particular thread.

5) The affair was most definately not because of you. Perhaps you could have done more in the marriage and those are things you need to figure out for yourself. But she chose to cheat.

6) EXPOSE the affair. If the OM is married expose it now. SHE IS STILL HAVING THE AFFAIR. My wife did the same thing and told me all the same **** yours is telling you. This is a must. She will lie to you and say it is over, but trust all of us betrayed spouses on here when we say it is still going on. We have all been where you are.

[65tr6]

My wife of 17 years had an affair this year and I found out 8 weeks ago. My world has absolutely crumbled. I love my wife, even knowing that she broke our bond. She asked me to move out to give her space. I obliged,

 

This is stunning. She asked and you obliged. You handled all this wrong.

 

Are you still around OP ?

 

If so, PLEASE move right back in NOW !!!!!!!!

 

Expose the affair.

[65tr6]

"Needing Space" translates to I have no intention of giving up my current lover or working on the marriage. By giving her space you have enabled the continuation of her affair. Plain and simple, you need a divorce.

 

Good to see you around AH! I agree with first part of what you said but disagree on the last part.

 

Plain and simple, he needs to move back and

expose the affair !

[FeelingLonely98]

This is stunning. She asked and you obliged. You handled all this wrong.

Are you still around OP ?

If so, PLEASE move right back in NOW !!!!!!!!

Expose the affair.

 

In retrospect I handled my "ultimatum" to my SRBXW wrong. When I discovered she was having a A a week after d-day (during this week she swore there was no OM), I gave her an overnight ultimatum. I said move out in the morning or tell me in the morning you want to work on the M. Apparently she coordinated everything with the OM during this decision time about she would "work" on the M. She did not try one bit and four days she moved out on her own. I did not tell her to move out. However, I really didn't want her in the house if was going to continue to find ways to get to screw this OM.

 

What I think I should have done was tell her right then and there to make decision - not sleep on it. I guarantee she would not have left. I could have then made her call the OM right in front of me and tell him it was over, ... ETC. I think she would have been more committed to tryingand not bolting after 4 days. I think her leaving was one of the worst things for the M. (Maybe I'm wrong?)

 

My point is YOU need to move back in now like most everyone is saying ... NOW. It is your best chance. And expose the affair. As long as it is secret and illicit and ongoing she will never think of the M.

[SRV]

In retrospect I handled my "ultimatum" to my SRBXW wrong. When I discovered she was having a A a week after d-day (during this week she swore there was no OM), I gave her an overnight ultimatum. I said move out in the morning or tell me in the morning you want to work on the M. Apparently she coordinated everything with the OM during this decision time about she would "work" on the M. She did not try one bit and four days she moved out on her own. I did not tell her to move out. However, I really didn't want her in the house if was going to continue to find ways to get to screw this OM.

 

What I think I should have done was tell her right then and there to make decision - not sleep on it. I guarantee she would not have left. I could have then made her call the OM right in front of me and tell him it was over, ... ETC. I think she would have been more committed to tryingand not bolting after 4 days. I think her leaving was one of the worst things for the M. (Maybe I'm wrong?)

 

My point is YOU need to move back in now like most everyone is saying ... NOW. It is your best chance. And expose the affair. As long as it is secret and illicit and ongoing she will never think of the M.

 

That would have been a corced response. It would have fallen apart sooner or later, the resentment would have built even more. She was going to do what she did anyway, as Gunny always says, once a woman walks out on you, slam that door shout, dead bolt it put an "alarm" if need be , there is no going back.

[samsungxoxo]

Why would someone that cheats ask for space and not know whether to work it out or not? Isn't that suppost to be suggested by the BS?

[Gunny376]

There's a third alternative?

 

"To the guy doing my wife.

 

Yes you know who you are. Yes I know, No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

 

1) Please stop leaving the toilet seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.

 

2) You may be giving me the chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit ( God knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive ) but please leave me a few as i have to be there longer then you.

 

3) If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter, i will pick some up.

 

4) Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5yr old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. we keep it under the sink unless you can recommend a better place.

 

5) After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks)

 

6) Please do not tell my children you are there uncle, they are young not mentally challenged.

 

7) Please stop turning the heating up, you pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my @zz, my wife may like it but i think it hurts.

 

8) When she asks "do these pants make me look fat" say no. You may think that giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

 

9) Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mum for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

 

10) Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that i rarely have time for ( soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and i try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.

 

Lastly i would like to thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become ackward if i have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.

 

p.s I'm going to take the kids to the Great Wolf lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer. ":lmao:

 

I have to admit to having considering what it cost me post-divorce, I might have come out ahead had I just stayed with her and let her have her toy boys on the side?

 

~ I would have seen my kids everyday, and been able to put them to sleep.

 

~ I would have come out ahead financially in chunking her the keys to my car with a tank full of gas and some money to get a motel room.

 

~ I wouldn't have had to gone back to WalMart, Kart, the furniture store, appliance stores to re-buy all that stuff I'd already had bought?

 

:confused::confused::confused:

 

Naw~ I'm better off without her.

 

Let DHX3 worry with how to satisfy, pacify her 24K mind!

Edited November 17, 2009 by Gunny376

[dazedandconfused2008]

There's a third alternative?

 

"To the guy doing my wife.

 

Yes you know who you are. Yes I know, No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

 

1) Please stop leaving the toilet seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.

 

2) You may be giving me the chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit ( God knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive ) but please leave me a few as i have to be there longer then you.

 

3) If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter, i will pick some up.

 

4) Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5yr old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. we keep it under the sink unless you can recommend a better place.

 

5) After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks)

 

6) Please do not tell my children you are there uncle, they are young not mentally challenged.

 

7) Please stop turning the heating up, you pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my @zz, my wife may like it but i think it hurts.

 

8) When she asks "do these pants make me look fat" say no. You may think that giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

 

9) Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mum for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

 

10) Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that i rarely have time for ( soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and i try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.

 

Lastly i would like to thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become ackward if i have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.

 

p.s I'm going to take the kids to the Great Wolf lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer. ":lmao:

 

I have to admit to having considering what it cost me post-divorce, I might have come out ahead had I just stayed with her and let her have her toy boys on the side?

 

~ I would have seen my kids everyday, and been able to put them to sleep.

 

~ I would have come out ahead financially in chunking her the keys to my car with a tank full of gas and some money to get a motel room.

 

~ I wouldn't have had to gone back to WalMart, Kart, the furniture store, appliance stores to re-buy all that stuff I'd already had bought?

 

:confused::confused::confused:

 

Naw~ I'm better off without her.

 

Let DHX3 worry with how to satisfy, pacify her 24K mind!

 

LOL....where do you get this stuff? My goodness...my two older girls were looking at me weird as im laughing at the computer.....sometimes were so caught up in the drama and heartache we forget to laugh...much needed and greatly appreciated

[Steadfast]

Poor Sean. He posted once and hasn't responded. That means he's probably out there in no man's land. I feel for him.

 

I did the same thing after my first post. It was months before I came back to LS.

 

If you read this Sean, post up and let us know. You don't have to face this alone.

[BearMox]

this thread compelled me to register. (apology to OP for the on topic threadjack)

 

I'm in the same situation

 

I'm going to discuss my final choice tomorrow with her. I caught her in an emotional affair right before it went physical. I'm still suspicious. She went to 4 MC sessions with me and then quit. She has (secretly) planned to threaten me with legal action (legal separation, request for custody and occupancy) if I don't acquiesce to her wishes to move out. ugh. (Yes I'm meeting with the L before). I'm willing to do anything to make it work. I have a flexible job where I can work up to 3 days a week from home. She works full time nights. I don't want my (3 minor) children to live without their father nor see me leave. Every bit of advice I've ever heard (except W's parents) has been to stay put and ask her to leave. I'm a good father and she is a good mother.

 

Thank you for the advice already in this thread.

 

W has been acting cordial and friendly, not completely opposed to MC but still pushes adamantly for me to move out which is baffling me. I'm still juggling the possibilities. Screw what I want! What would my son _hope I did_ 30 years from now? God knows I've been asking for wisdom.

 

Hope the OP is doing ok.

 

Any help much appreciated!

[curiou]

BearMox,

 

If you really would do anything to save this marriage, then listen very carefully:

 

You must be strong and state plainly that as you are not the one engaging in an affair, you will not leave the household. Do not argue the point or feel guilty about it. No long discussions or heated arguments. State it matter-of-factly. Don't let her convince you it's not an affair and play mindgames with you. Tell her that you're willing to go to marriage counseling to address any issues that may have lead to this, but she needs to go no contact with the OM absolutely and give up privacy of her emails, phone, etc. If she refuses, tell her she is free to shack up with the other man and let him pay the bills. Then continue to take care of your children, and live your life. Act happy. Buy her an apartment finder magazine. Do not break down to her, cry, plead, beg, or yell.

 

Engage in minimal to no contact. Be cordial if contacted, but end contact quickly. Do not engage in any long conversations.

 

Sound weird? Counterintuitive? After extensive reading, research, and even learning a little from stuff on these message boards, I think it gives you your best chance to maintain dignity and save the marriage. IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT.

 

that's my advice. You asked, right? Any other opinions out there?

[Steadfast]

I was all set to respond but curiou said everything (better, btw!) that I was about to. Read that post, print it out and read it over and over. It is YOUR BEST CHANCE TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE AND STAY WITH YOUR CHILDREN.

 

No kidding, no fooling, and Is that clear?

 

Do not allow her to use your emotions against you. This information is printed on page one of the cheaters handbook; shift the blame, transfer the guilt. Reject it as bullsh*t and stand your ground. You have every right.

 

Hang in there and keep us posted.

[BearMox]

Sound weird? Counterintuitive? After extensive reading, research, and even learning a little from stuff on these message boards, I think it gives you your best chance to maintain dignity and save the marriage. IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT.

doesn't sound weird. I'll take that to heart.

[cyabye]

Ok so he moves back home and throws her out. Then who takes care of the kids? Should he quit his job? Does she take the kids with her? So they're out of the home where they were once safe?

 

 

So yeah, move back home with your tail between your legs and throw her out and ruin your young childrens lives. Great advice from a lot of bitter men in here.

 

He is the more stable parent of the 2. Bitter from the cheating spouses that try to have their cake and eat it too. Sound familiar?

 

cyabye

[phineas]

damn,

I am grateful that I owned the house before I met her & did not put her name on any thing relating to it.

 

I'm also lucky she choose to move out it seems.

Though she pretty much took everything with her & left a complete mess behind.

 

But, I've got good friends & family & craigs list so my house is looking very nice these days.

 

It better. with the money i'll have left after bills & her child support I won't be able to afford to go out at all.

 

Can't afford to go out much now as it is.

But she's no longer making my life miserable. well not too much.

[seanocasey]

Thanks for all the advice to the 42 or so folks who responded to my post.

I do believe that she is still having the affair. I paid her cell phone bill the other day and his number is all over the bill and she recently admitted to having a bladder infection. (most likely from sex, right?) I am still pathetically given her chances. Supposed to take her out to a museum and dinner tonight. I have not moved home and obviously have not kicked her out. She is a good mother and I am the only one earning a salary. I am going to try to have a nice evening tonight and then expose her lies and continued betrayal at our marriage counseling session Friday. I still love her, even after all of the lies, disrespect, and damage she has caused. She says that I am her "guy" and she is comitted to working our marriage out. I guess I need to decide if I have the strength to walk away!

 

Poor Sean. He posted once and hasn't responded. That means he's probably out there in no man's land. I feel for him.

 

I did the same thing after my first post. It was months before I came back to LS.

 

If you read this Sean, post up and let us know. You don't have to face this alone.

[Steadfast]

Its OK to love her Sean. In fact, you should. It's your only way out. That means doing the right things; all the way from not being vindictive, mean or argumentative to being overly needy or pushing for reconciliation. I sense by your post that you've got a handle on your emotions; that is awesome. Be strong and do the right things for the right reasons.

 

Just know it is her, not you. No one is perfect, but the person behind the disruption is the person that needs to take responsibility for what's happened in your marriage.

 

Keep us posted-

[seanocasey]

Thanks Steadfast for your reply. We went on our date last night and things started great and ended poorly. Over dinner she asked me if "I was going to drop any bombs" during our marriage counseling session on Friday. That opened the door for me to explain my confusion/hurt over her continued contact with the OM in October. She says that it is over and she is no longer in contact. But she does nothing to earn my trust and frequently shifts the blame to me or says that I am constantly bringing up the affair. We have MC at 3 today and I am not sure whether to bring up her October activity or just let it go and trust that she is being honest that it is now over. Lots of people are telling me just to walk away. You advice below will help if I decide to stay engaged in saving our marriage. My W just does not get it at all. I think she has lost her heart and values.

Its OK to love her Sean. In fact, you should. It's your only way out. That means doing the right things; all the way from not being vindictive, mean or argumentative to being overly needy or pushing for reconciliation. I sense by your post that you've got a handle on your emotions; that is awesome. Be strong and do the right things for the right reasons.

 

Just know it is her, not you. No one is perfect, but the person behind the disruption is the person that needs to take responsibility for what's happened in your marriage.

 

Keep us posted-

[carhill]

IMO, the focus should be on the issues in your M and reinforcing your boundaries. If relevant, state your boundaries regarding the OM and then move on to focusing on the M. Rome wasn't built in a day.

[Steadfast]

 

We went on our date last night and things started great and ended poorly. Over dinner she asked me if "I was going to drop any bombs" during our marriage counseling session on Friday. That opened the door for me to explain my confusion/hurt over her continued contact...

 

 

As is often the case with marrieds, you simply know each other too well to have a civilized conversation. Yet. You both came into the evening with axes hiden behind your backs; she just drew hers first.

 

Sean, you have to break it down, all the way down before you can work this out and see if the marriage can be saved. She must accept that you have (well earned) trust issues and you must decide if you can ever trust her again. One thing is for sure, the marriage will never be the same but that isn't necessarily a bad thing, considering the current state of affairs.

 

Pardon the pun.

 

If you're going to say anything to her, remind her unless she commits 100% to restoring the marriage, it wont work. That includes giving you the day to day things you'll need to retain your sanity. If she waffles or thinks you're demanding too much, walk away and do what you have to do.

 

Just remember to be kind and put the bombs away. They won't do anything now anyway.

 

Hang in there and stay strong, OK?

[seanocasey]

Steadfast,

 

Thank you for your response. Probably some of the best advice I have heard through all of this. We had a very promising MC session Friday afternoon. Breaking it down so that we can hopefully rebuild. I must focus on patience and kindness. I also need to be aware of my tendency to come across as punitive. The MC told her point blank that she cannot have anymore contact with the OM if she wants to stay married to me. MW agreed. I have to trust that she is committed and stop looking for evidence to the contrary. I am using a Christian Marriage Guide called The Love Dare to encourage a loving response to our problems. It is great to know that I am not alone out here and that there are good people who care about others. Thanks again and have a good weekend.

Sean

[lkjh]

You are going about this all wrong, you are being to much of a push over. When a woman cheats on you and you chase her she just stops respecting you as a man/lover and she sees you as a brother. You don't just give her everything including the trust back, you make her earn it. If she isn't willing to work to get everything back then she does not love you and it is pointless staying married to her